Hitsugaya's Guide to High School
by Skyskater
Summary: Hitsugaya writes a journal about his high school experience and also dishes up the dirt about your favorite shinigami members! SO READ! Hitsugaya-POV, rated T for language.
1. Groups 101

**Alright, so just the 401 on this: A story about high school written by the strong, funny, and amazingly cute 'Shiro-chan!**

**Really, it's only written by him because I felt so damn guilty for not finishing the last story he starred in and because he's actually an amazing writer. (well, okay, no, he's not, paper work gets to ya, but don't tell him that to his face. He has self confidence issues.)**

**So, yes, this is a high school story, because I will actually be a freshman in August! (NOOOOOOO...)**

**So, anyway, read, review, and if you flame, we will hunt you down and shoot you!**

**Here we go!**

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Alright. My name is Hitsugaya Toushirou, and I'm a freshman at Sohma High School (I believe that's what this lousy excuse of a school is called, anyway). If you haven't heard of me already, you're CLEARLY in the wrong category!

So, for all you kids who think, "Oh, high school is gonna be a blast, we're gonna get invited to all the cool parties, we'll have s -" Well, I think you get where I'm going with this. (I didn't want to finish that sentence anyways.) But, to give it to you in plain Japanese, HIGH SCHOOL IS NOT WHAT IT'S CUT OUT TO BE. (And for those of you who've already graduated, DAMN! I WISH I WAS YOU!)

But no. Being a freshman completely SUCKS. For those of you who are wondering "Why does he say that?" here's why:

When you're a freshman, **the whole frikkin world **is out to get you.

The teachers give you loads of CRAP for homework, so now you don't have any free time.

The seniors have LOADS of free time and thus, being bored, decide to pick on...wait for it...yup. You're right. The FRESHMEN.

The juniors usually keep their distance, because they're just so darned busy with studying and all that. But if you cross them, you'll be nosediving into the nearest trashcan before you know what hit you.

Sophomores: not so intimidating, right? Absolutely wrong. Most of them are looking for some poor sucker to get revenge on for what horrible deeds were done to them in their freshman year. So, steer clear of them too.

**And if you're a short, "elementary-school" kid with spiky white hair, I can only wish you luck.**

If the grades themselves weren't bad enough, now there's also groups inside the grades. It's like a social hierarchy or something. If you don't fit in, boy, you'll be VERY lucky to have one acquaintance that's not the librarian or the school counselor.

And all that crap about marching to your own drumbeat, being yourself? The person who said that musta been a little CUCKOO. If you don't fit into one of the groups below, you're a complete outsider.

(By the way, I'm breaking the groups into two chapters because your, and my, sensitive little brains would overload if we had to read/write all of this in one sitting. Besides, 10 is a wonderful number.)

**Goths/Emos: **They're depressed people, but the main difference? Emos cut, goths usually don't. But other than that, no difference, which is why they're all piled together in the same category. Oh and FYI, black lipstick? Not good if you smoke. Even worse if you don't floss. In case ya didn't know, NO ONE WANTS TO SEE WHAT YOU HAD FOR LUNCH.

**Preps: **Really, to be a prep IN school, you gotta be a prep OUT of school. Because, c'mon, how can you dress "stylishly" if you attend a school WHERE EVERYBODY WEARS A GODDAMN UNIFORM?! Besides, they're always broke. They'd NEVER get something off the clearance rack, and I bet Abercrombie & Fitch, Hollister, and Aeropostale name brand clothing is pretty pricey.

**Populars: **Usually the main gossip topic. Everyone likes them, everyone wants to be their friend. However, I don't see how reading 20 ISSUES OF VOGUE is gonna help you ace that French test next period, sister!

**Queers: **This is the group to be in if you're gay/bi/lesbian. Nobody disrespects your sexuality and you can talk freely about relationship troubles and everyone will understand. They seem to actually co-exist peacefully with the goths, so it's not too bad being queer. Everyone just gives them looks and breezes on by.

**Skaters: **All dress the same, all look the same, all lift homework and lunch money off each other before the bell rings. I swear, it's an army of clones! Except that they're not all the same height.

**Geeks: **This category is dominated by...guess who? That's right. Ishida Uryuu. (Hey, I made a rhyme! God, I should be a poet someday.) Anyway, that guy is, like, the King of Geeks. Please note that joining the Sewing Club and the Chess Club DOES NOT actually increase common sense. Geeks are those people you see toting around textbooks and the latest edition of Star Trek. Come on, people, crying over a B+? Really now! I'd be lucky to get a B on a test! Life doesn't give you a grade, so start wising up now. Oh, and stabbing each other in the backs with sharpened No. 2 pencils if you don't make valedictorian? So immature.

**Techies: **Like geeks, but actually cool. Yes, you occasionally do get the braces-and-glasses combo, but not often. Techies are the ones who can actually hack into the school database without leaving tracks, and they're also the ones with all the cool new gadgets. And, unlike geeks, techies are actually respected.

**Jocks: **They usually keep to their loud, rambunctious selves, but once you try to shoot some hoops in their presence (which is not easy for a person such as myself), god, you're dead. Those guys will kill you in a game of Knock Out, and by the way, those guys smoking over in the corner? Yeah, they're jocks too. Most of them are druggies, but they're great at sports, so nobody cares.

**Height Challenged: **The people who are way too tall, or way too short. The way-too-tall people are usually being teased if they can't play basketball (like a certain redheaded vice-captain I know) and are often hitting their heads on doorframes. The way too short ones, well, they're usually considered slaves to the taller ones here. I think that the only reason I'm not picked on is because I'm with Ichigo's gang and he's just intimidating for some reason.

**Weight Challenged: **Call it rubenesque, voluptuous, pleasingly plump, it all boils down to the same thing: YOU'RE FAT. Sure, doll it up with pretty words, but it's still the same thing. And eating lettuce at lunch only to scarf down 600 Debbie Snack Cakes during free period? Nuh-uh.

Alrighty then. So now, I really do need to go. It's been lovely chatting with you all, but I gotta study for a frikkin geometry test that's on at first period tomorrow (who in the HELL tortures innocent high school kids with a math test THAT EARLY IN THE MORNING? Mr. Lee, that's who. Steer clear of Asian math teachers if you can. I can't, because...well...all the teachers here are Asians, but I'm passing on this info to you in the hopes you'll use it one day.) And also, my hand's starting to cramp.

So when I can, I'll explain more about the rest of the groups tomorrow, or whenever I feel like it. :)

_**August 17  
Study Hall (I don't see WHAT I have to study except for math...and either way I can cheat off someone else anyway)  
The High School of Hell  
Hitsugaya **_

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**So, peeps, did you like it? I hope you did. Once again, read, review, and DON'T FLAME! If you have any ideas or suggestions for me to incorporate in my story, please review and tell me how I am doing!**

**Love you all:  
Skyskater (And Shiro-chan, because he did write this)**


	2. Groups 102

**Just a note from 'Shiro-Chan, the amazing author of this story:**

**Alright, so, people. You've obviously been taking this too seriously. The first day I get these reviews and it's all like, "OMG, no way is high school gonna be like that!" So. Seeing as how I've discouraged a few innocent people, I shall now commence to say: FOR PETE'S SAKE, THERE'S A REASON THIS STORY WAS PUT INTO THE CATEGORY HUMOR! **

**Good God, since this story is in the humor section, I'm expecting to get reviews because people think it's FUNNY, not because they're scared that it's true! Insane! **

**At any rate, this is like that really funny movie Drillbit Taylor Skyskater and I watched on big screen not too long ago...if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. Along with the movie 21. Here we go, again...**

Okay. So now it's "quiet time" after the math test. I'm not sure how I did, and frankly, I could care less. This is not my place to be, anyway, but I'll bet you anything I didn't get an A.

Alrighty, so yesterday I did some of the groups and today I'm doing the other ones. If you didn't read the last chapter because you never read the first chapter of stories or something weird like that, I am NOT going to waste my time getting you up to speed. I'm not James Patterson, people! (By the way, if you don't get this, read Maximum Ride: Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports. Then come back and read this.)

So, here we go...AGAIN...(**I really hope you're enjoying this story because Miss Skyskater here really wants you to review...She wants to write a story with 100 reviews or more if possible and she's hoping this could be the one...The goals in life of mere mortals, they're so pathetic...)**

**BBs: **Bathroom Bullies. You're taking a shower after soccer or whatever, and they are those people who can inflict torture with a mere hand towel. And I'll tell you from firsthand experience, those things HURT! The Gotei 13 would NEVER have put up with any of these shenanigans, I'll tell you that right now...These troublemakers would be caught, tied up, and fed to Byakuya for breakfast...

**PSs: **Potential Stalkers. Now, they don't hang out together, so you can't exactly call them a clique. But they all have the same motives, so there is their common ground. These are the people who drive that creepy white van you always see out of the corner of your eye when you're walking home, and then when you spin around to look, POOF! They're gone! It gives me the creeps. Like Mayuri...except he doesn't drive a white van...I don't think he even knows how to DRIVE...but that's beside the point.

**Pretties: **Please note that Pretties are not always Preps and Populars are not always Preps or Pretties. Yes, it's confusing. DEAL WITH IT. Or don't you have the brain capacity? Anyway, pretties are those girls (and the occasional guy) who spend hours before school in front of the mirror obsessing about which way they should part their hair.

**Uglies: **The exact opposite of Pretties. Please, don't think I'm copying from those book series by What's-His-Face. The words pretties, uglies, and specials are used on a daily basis, so it's not copyrighting.

**Specials: **Those for the mentally challenged. You know, sometimes I really do wonder if it shouldn't be the other way around in this school...many of the Specials are actually smarter than the others.

**Perfectionists: **Some geeks are perfectionists, but not all perfectionists are geeks. These are thepeople who stress details, the people who can build a perfect replica of the Great Wall of China using only toothpicks and glue, but can't figure out how to restring a shoe. (Damn, another rhyme...before ya know it, I'll be dead and have a street named after me! ...Oh wait... I already AM dead, huh? Never mind.)

**Teacher's Pets: **Ever see those kids staying by after school to have "a discussion" with the teachers? Yup. They're teacher's pets. They're the people who can ace exams and classes through bribery, payment, and yes, food. Male teachers aren't as likely to fall for the whole apples-and-chocolate-cake gig, but female ones will swoon over it. It's a classic. (I convinced the history teacher, Mrs. Long, that I singlehandedly led the Spanish Armada in a previous life. With nothing but a Hershey's Kiss, no less.)

**Reporters: **Okay. Basically, these are the people that you'd call tattletales. If you push one toe past the line, whether it's forgetting homework or being out of uniform, these guys are all over you like piranhas on a dead zebra. (That image will forever be planted in my mind as one of the worst experiences of a biology class.) And yes, these people are also backstabbers. It's actually pretty funny to hear them arguing about if one of their 'henchmen' should be suspended for vandalizing school property aka the inside of a bathroom stall with a Magic Marker. The answer? Yes.

**Norms: **Basically, if you don't fit into one of the other groups and are good at blending in and not sticking out and you have at least a few friends, you're a Norm. Short for Normal person, in case you did not figure that out yet. Ichigo and his other friends (excluding Uryuu and maybe Tatsuki, who could be called a Jock-ess) are Norms. Although I don't see how being a Substitute Soul Reaper and fighting Hollows is normal for a human, but at any rate...what they don't know won't hurt them.

Okay. So now the teacher is passing back the tests...(He grades insanely fast, it's like he has superspeed reading or something, but then again...he also has two assistants to help him out...) Oh, YES! GUESS WHAT? I GOT A FRIKKIN **D+!** Oh, this is the best...

Hey, at least I did NOT fail. That's more than can be said for some of you. (If you're getting angry at me, too bad. That's not my problem. And besides, I'm dead. What do I care about mere mortals' feelings? Also, if you're getting angry, you should probably get a clue that...yep...I'm SARCASTIC and brutally honest. Don't like this story? DON'T READ! Simple as that.)

Well. The teacher wrote some pretty...sarcastic comments on my paper by the questions. Here's a few:

**Question: "XXX?"  
Answer: "XXX? Isn't that like those M-rated fortunes they bake in those adult fortune cookies?"**

**Comment: _Ah, Hitsugaya-san, as...true...as that may be, the question asked you to FIND the value of XXX. The correct answer is X to the third power. And also, there was no need to draw a very...accurate...portrait of Rangiku-san..._**

**Question: "What is y?"  
Answer: "Y should I know?"**

**Comment: _Now, really, Hitsugaya-san, this is a math class. You should know this material since we've only been studying it for...oh...the PAST FOUR WEEKS!_**

And this is the one that really gets me. This is the one concerning MY DOODLES on the back of the math test, which are perfectly good and not offending in any way!

**Comment:_ Hitsugaya-san, I can understand that you do not like math, but is there really a need to draw you stabbing me with...what is that? A spork? on the back of your paper. I find that offensive AND rude. And while you may be a talented artist, art is not used in my class. Perhaps I should transfer you to first period art where your talents will be better...appreciated?_**

God, I hate him. AND I hate this school. Have I mentioned that yet?

Well, until next time. Next time I'll probably write about more...LOVELY...high school experiences that I am having here at Hell on Earth. I just needed to clear up those categories for you because your fragile little minds probably could not handle it if I started to talk in "code."

**_August 18  
After the math test (those doodles ARE good, and no, that is not a SPORK! That is my f-ing zanpakutoh you retard!)  
The High School of Hell  
Hitsugaya_**

**So, peeps, how'd you like?**

**Please, read, review, NO FLAMES, otherwise Shiro-chan and me will hunt you down and feed you to Byakuya for breakfast! (evil eyes)**

**Oh, and PS: I really want you guys to laugh. And once again, this is an exaggeration about high school. Like Drillbit Taylor. Don't get scared and drop outta high school before you even start because I'll have a lot of upset mommies after me...O.O**

**Catch you guys later!  
Skyskater (and Shiro-chan)**


	3. Friday

**Just a little note from Skyskater: Listen, you guys, I'm really happy your faving my stories, but there's also this little button at the bottom of your page saying "REVIEW!" I beg you to click that button, because I don't want to have to write 50 chapters to get 100 reviews. That just seems to dull it all a little bit.**

**Also, people, why do you only review the second chapter and not the first one? It makes me think the first one isn't good enough or something.**

**But anyway, here's the third chapter of Hitsugaya's freshman year...(and we just may decide to continue this on through sophomore and possibly junior years. I'm not sure how much time "the child prodigy" will have during junior year, so we might just skip that part for then and write it in senior year. D I plan ahead.)**

Alright. It's the weekend now. THANK GOD. Well, ok. It's not actually the weekend, it's Friday and I'm walking "home" from school. Yes, I know I don't really live with Urahara in his shop, but that's not the point.

And by the way, it's not called freeloading. For Renji it's called that because he's a..."big man" and should supposedly be able to take care of himself (although I highly doubt that, did I tell you he was 50 before he started to stop carrying around his blue security blanket?) For me, it's called "staying over." Because simply, I'm just the most darn cutest little guy you'll ever meet, from Hueco Mundo to Soul Society.

I don't even know if that sentence made sense, but that's not the point, not the point.

Well, since it's really hard to walk and write at the same time, I'm going to finish this entry later when I'm actually at my "adopted home" so that you guys won't have a lot of trouble reading this. Besides, we wouldn't want me to walk into a lamppost or into raging traffic would we? Unless, of course, you don't like me and want to see me flattened into little Shiro-cakes on the road, in which case, WHY THE HECK ARE YOU READING THIS?

Well, alright, I just received a mild scolding from Urahara. And get this? It was about the math test! For gods' sake, doesn't Urahara know that I'm not actually gonna be staying there permanently? PLUS I'm a captain, and he should RESPECT ME! Good God, I think it's because I am vertically challenged. I am a growing child, people, can you honestly expect me to be taller than 5'5 at this stage of my life?

(CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE MY HEIGHT ON WIKIPEDIA! GOD DAMN!)

Well, ok. So. Urahara scolded me about getting a bad grade, which I countered with the argument that at least I did not fail. You shoulda seen Renji's score. He got 1 out of 36 right. But you don't see Urahara scolding HIM, now do you? (I think it's because Renji is naturally intimidating with that height...maybe I should invest in some manly looking platform shoes...)

You know, sometimes I wonder how Renji ever got out of the Academy...(it's probably because he cheated off Shuuhei, but let's leave that topic alone for now, we're supposed to be talking about ME people! And don't call me self-centered. When you're a kid, you know, it's a HUGE world out there.)

So, after the scolding, that bastard...he just went ahead and smiled and said, "Well, please make sure it doesn't happen again, neh, Shiro-chan?"

The NERVE of some people! It disgusts me...if we were in Soul Society, I would have that lecherous old man tied up, cut into very small pieces, and fed to Byakuya for breakfast!

Yes, for those of you who are wondering, we had to restrain Captain Kuchiki after he decided to join our "high school squad mission." Of course, we couldn't let that happen...for obvious reasons...not to mention the fact that there would be a ton of girls trailing after him all over the place and I have repeatedly told people not to draw attention to themselves! However...that seems somewhat difficult as:

A) Abarai Renji is far too tall to even be in high school...it's either that or he was a pro basketball star in his previous life

B) Madarame Ikkaku is BALD...how many BALD high school kids do you see every day? That's right. NONE! Not the mention the wooden sword doesn't help him remain inconspicuous.

C) Ayasegawa Yumichika is a CROSSDRESSER...well, ok, no, he does not go around wearing a girl's uniform, but not the point...he looks like a girl anyway.

D) Rangiku Matsumoto is far too...what's the right word for this...BUSTY...to go around UNnoticed...

E) There's me. Seriously. There is NOBODY in this school who has white hair, except for...that's right. ME.

I'm not gonna mention Rukia, because, well, she was here before us anyway...

Alright, so back to Byakuya and his sad saga.

Well, after we (actually after I) blatantly refused to let him into the mission, he started to ATTACK me! And not even in the traditional sense. We're not even talking zanpakutoh here...although Hyorinmaru would have dominated...We're talking TEETH AND NAILS. Good God, that man has FANGS! Makes me wonder if he was perhaps a cannibal in a previous life...

So now, he is restrained rather forcibly in a pit in Soul Society...admittedly, this pit is where his quarters used to be...and it's a very comfortable pit actually, seeing as how they moved all his furniture in there so he would feel "more at home."

And now, instead of coming out to meals, he is fed in his pit, like a lion in a cage, ya know? Except lions are fed like...steaks and stuff...he's fed disobedient souls and humans...

Well, you know, I REALLY love talking about why Byakuya has turned cannibalistic, (is that even a word? I don't think so) but I gotta go now. Seriously. I have some lousy math worksheets from MR. LEE, who I really hate at this point in my life. For those of you who are good at Geometry, please, email me at and help me out here!

Because if I can't pass the next math test, I run the risk of being kicked out of Urahara's SHOP/HOUSE, and then what do you expect me to do? Rukia is already living with Ichigo (admittedly in his closet...) and I certainly can't live with any of the rest of them...so what am I supposed to do? Live in a cardboard box on the side of the road and beg for spare change while scraping up little squirrel cakes from the road to roast over a lightbulb? Yeah, no.

So I really do have to go and do these math worksheets now, because I really don't want to be kicked out of my temporary home. Nothing like a good dose of motivation, right?

**_August 20  
Urahara's Shop/My Temporary Home  
The weekend  
Hitsugaya_**

(P.S. Don't tell anyone, but I'm gonna go and get the answers from Ishida...that guy probably knows the answers to this worksheet like the back of his hand)

(P.S.S. You wanna know why Renji only got a 1/36? It's because I knew he was gonna cheat so I purposely wrote down all the wrong answers and pushed it across my desk so he could see...then I changed all the answers back to the right ones! Aren't I clever?)

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**Well, okay, you guys, this is the third chapter and it's the start of the weekend! Admittedly it is the end of the weekend for me, Skyskater, but that's not the point. We live in different time zones. We just get together on webcam and he sends me his latest diary...oops, excuse me, I forgot, his JOURNAL...entry. And then I post it on here. Except I don't think he knows what other stories are on this site. (cough cough Gin x Hitsugaya rated M stories cough cough)**

**But what he doesn't know won't hurt him, right?**

**So for now, we will see you later, and be kind and hit that little button down below these words. Write a review, add to your faves, tell your peepz about this story, and I will see you next time!**

**Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan.**


	4. The Torture Chamber

**Skyskater's Daily Note: I'm really glad you guys are liking this story! And to all of those of you who are fans of Gin, I am (not very) sorry. I personally find him creepy...**

**And no, ungraphical is not a word...at least I don't think it is. But since I'm too lazy to use spell check...the world may never know...**

**Daily Advice: Many of the old ladies that cross the street are actually hoping for a hot young guy to come help them.**

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Well, I had an AMAZINGLY fun day with Urahara yesterday...it was all theorums and proofs and God knows what else. Let me tell you, I'm kind of inclined to believe that he won't be using that table anymore, seeing as how yesterday I got so bored I started to poke holes in my paper with my pencil...and since the table was beneath the paper...it kinda got pencil-punched too. Yes. I don't know my own strength, what can I say?

Besides, it didn't look like that expensive a table anyway. Also, it was put out for a yard sale a while back and nobody bought it...how sad...

Ok. Don't tell anybody I'm doing this, but I'm actually writing this during church. And especially don't tell the pastor. He believes that I will go to HELL aka Hueco Mundo if I am not paying attention to the sermon...But, well, I'm already in "heaven" anyway. So I can't say I really care anymore...

Also, if you could see what the others are doing...well, ok, since you can't because you're clearly not here dying of boredom from the longest-ass sermon ever invented...I'll tell you about it now.

Urahara: He's catching up on sleep, and I don't think the pastor notices. Well, ok, it's kind of hard to notice when he wears that hat all the time, but for PETE'S SAKE, this is a church! Don't you have any modesty? Take off your goddamn hat in a building! Well, then again, you never really take off your hat in your own house either, so...

Renji: He's busy making a rubber band ball with the excess rubber bands that he uses for his hair. You know, I don't like rubber bands, they snap at you and hurt you...I've had many a nightmare involving torture, and possibly death, by rubber bands...

Ikkaku: Well, actually, he is quite funny right now...he's responding to the sermon with really cocky lines...Once the pastor said, "The holy light shines upon us!" and Ikkaku muttered, "No, the holy light is reflected off my HEAD..."

Yumichika: Is busy checking his hair in this little circular mirror thingy that seems to be very popular around high school girls. Upon walking in, the pastor accused him of killing innocent little canaries in order to look good. (Little does he know that the feathers are actually from a BLUEBIRD, hello? Good God, at least take some classes in birdology or whatever the hell the study of birds is called...)

Rangiku: Well, she's currently tied up with a nun on the other side of her who is currently scolding her. It goes something like this: "HOW DARE YOU DEFILE THE HOLY CHURCH OF GOD BY COMING IN HERE DRESSED AS A SLATTERN?!" (for those of you who are language-deprived, a slattern is like old English for a slut. And besides, no matter what Rangiku wears, she just looks like she needs to cover up. All the time.)

And I am here, writing away in this journal of mine because, honestly, do you expect me to go and fry my brain just so that I can find salvation? Alright, people. I'm already DEAD, I don't think I need this kind of "mental booster." And have I mentioned that all the people here are OLD? Maybe this is their idea of a Sunday outing...but for me, I would much rather be doing something else, like, oh, FEEDING DISOBEDIENT PEOPLE TO BYAKUYA! (You know, it's actually quite amusing to do that...of course, you have to cut them up in bite size pieces because, even though he is a cannibal, he does not resort to lowly gorging and must eat "refinedly..." Don't you guys just love my made up words?)

I don't think these people realize that Byakuya replaced Satan a long time ago. Or, more accurately, he roasted Satan over an open fire like one of those roast pigs you see in Hawaiian luaus and ate him like a kabob...Of course, Byakuya doesn't do that whole red and fire thing, he prefers white and cold...maybe he's an Arctic Satan...

Oh, crap. Listen, I gotta go. The pastor is walking down the aisle in between the two rows of pews and sprinkling people with holy water to "save our souls." If he catches me writing this, he'll scold me, which will wake Urahara up, who will then be pissed at me for waking him up and also causing mischief in this church that he never actually goes to regularly but who insists on dragging us here whenever we come as a form of torture to tell him where the "rebel base" is...I think all those action movies are getting to him...Just last night he ran out of a magazine stall screaming, "Andre, Andre, I got the secret documents!" These "secret documents" were actually a bundle of newspapers that he BOUGHT. Why? I don't know. He never reads the newspaper anyway.

Alright, but that's off topic and I really have to go, or else the pastor will scold me and will further ensue in what I mentioned in the paragraph above...plus if I get this journal wet, Skyskater won't be able to read it because of the "holy water marks" which shall burn away all sin...(Not that I have sinned at all. I am just a meek little boy and God blesses the meek...)

**_August 22  
The Church of Karakura Town/The Torture Chamber  
Sunday  
Hitsugaya_**

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**Hope you guys enjoyed that...this is a mild exaggeration of my feelings about long sermons in church...I actually do enjoy Sunday school where you get together with all your friends and enjoy the Lord, but I don't like sermons. They make me drowsy...**

**No offense to any of you who are overly religious, but I am inclined to dislike the church because this one lady who I sat next to one time spilled the grape juice all over my WHITE skirt...oh, that was one thrilling day...**

**On another note, NO FLAMES! Or me and Shiro-chan will roast you over an open pit like a Hawaiian luau pig and feed you to Byakuya for breakfast! (Lunch doesn't quite have the same ring. I know you guys are enjoying the Byakuya cracks, too.)**

**And that little button right below these words? Yeah. Click it and leave me a review. I know you want to.**


	5. Asian Tacos

**Skyskater's Daily Note: For all those that actually bother to read this shit up here, good on ya, mate! I just want to tell everyone how disappointed I am that not very many people are reviewing this story. Has crack gone outta style or something? I don't think it has...**

**Umm...what else am I supposed to say? Well, on the optimistic side, I'm really glad I'm not writing stories that are like 10 chapters long and have 1 review. I'm sorry, that's just sad.**

**Daily Advice: Tofu is amazing. If you haven't tried it, you're missing out, people.**

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Now it's Tuesday. I didn't bother to write yesterday, because, well, there really was nothing to write about yesterday.

Okay, actually, I'm at "home" now, not at school. School let out ages ago. Why? Because of me! Yes, I am so damn proud of that. I singlehandedly stole Mr. Lee's lighter and his stack of pornographic magazines that he thinks none of his students know about that he keeps in the corner of his desk drawer, and then I burned it. You would be surprised to see how many Playboys he has. Never underestimate the math teacher as being a complete geek with no sexual activity whatsoever. Although, don't tell anyone this, but I think he gets off by looking at the male models in that International Male magazine that seems to be so popular here...

Well, alright. But back to me burning the magazines. I had absolutely NO IDEA that I was standing under a smoke detector at the time. Seriously. They make those things so damn small it's hard to see. But yes. So I burned it, and RING RING RING the fire alarms went off. So one minute you're burning your teacher's porn magazines and the next you're drowning in a sprinkle-fest of icy cold water. You'd think Sohma High School was too poor to afford plumbing.

To say the least, I ran out of there like a bat out of hell. Nobody knew who did it, although I'm pretty sure Rangiku was shooting me some looks as we were walking home. The school had been closed to "reset the system" or whatever, and heck, I wasn't complaining. She shouldn't be either.

But today, I've just been having the ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY TERRIBLE LUCK!

Good God! It's not even the thirteenth! And it's not a FRIDAY! Someone up there just doesn't like me. I bet it's Byakuya, getting revenge for all those times I accidentally fed him fish instead of his daily diet of pork...

So anyway. I must have stepped in some major shit puddle walking home from school, because when I get in the living room, Urahara just SCREAMS like a little girl, starts foaming at the mouth, and points desperately at the rug. Well, how the hell was I supposed to know that I stepped in some excrement until I trailed it across the rug? I mean, it was a FUGLY rug. Seriously. I don't think that man has ever been to interior design school. He'd get kicked out the first five minutes.

I tried to point out that I was doing him a favor by messing up his screwy rug, but he got all PMS-like on me (like Byakuya normally is) and made me clean the rug. And the rest of the floor. Why? I don't know. Point is, I was cleaning under the coffee table, and I...forgot I was under the coffee table. So I tried to stand up, and hit my head on the underside of the table. Urahara yelled at me...AGAIN...for "doing the table a disrespectful deed." You know, I only think he can use alliteration in the form of defending his furniture...which is actually not all his. He stole it all from Home Depot. (but don't tell anyone that.)

So. After all this happens, and I finish cleaning the living room, it's lunchtime. Actually, that's now. But anyway, I am feeling like soup. Not tacos, soup. I think that there should be like...Asian style tacos or something, you know, with like fish and black bean sauce or whatever. I think that would be cool. And it would demote racism, because seriously. How can you insult an Asian/Mexican taco? Not that you'd like to spend your time insulting a taco or whatever. For those who actually enjoy being mean to food before eating it, please. Spare me.

Well, Urahara has one of those fancy can opener things. I actually miss living in Soul Society now, because if you need to open a can, which you hardly ever need to do (those lame guys from the Fourth Squad cook all your meals for you if you're a high rank), you can go over to Byakuya's pit, put the can under his mouth, whack him on the head, and proceed to rotate...then VOILA! the can is open and you can enjoy your meal. Have I mentioned that guy has fangs?

Well, okay. That's off topic. But I'm attempting to use the can opener, and I just can't seem to quite get it right. So basically, as Urahara is walking into the kitchen, I take out Hyorinmaru and just jam him into the can. Well, okay. I did succeed in getting the can open, but not in the traditional way. I basically cut the can in half. And then, it's not Urahara this time, but it's Renji who screams: "Dude! Don't you have any respect for your Zanpakutoh? Using it to cut open cans like that, that's horrendous!" And then he proceeds to cry. As if. Come on, I know what he does with his zanpakutoh. Things that shall not be named at this current point in time...

HEY, ALL YOU PERVERTS, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING! STOP THINKING IT! I'M AN INNOCENT LITTLE BOY AND I SHOULD BE SPARED YOUR DIRTY THOUGHTS!

Alright, anyway. Back to my soup. I get a spoon and scrape out the "soup" into a bowl. And then I stare at it. And stare. And finally, I scream, "What the hell is this? I can't believe I paid four bucks for two cans of this shit! It's frikkin ketchup!"

Well, okay. Maybe that was an exaggeration. I had to piece together the two halves of the can to JUST READ THE INSTRUCTIONS. Oh Lord, help us all. I don't understand why they do that! Why do they put just, like, the flavor part in the can, and not the water part too? Come on! Is it THAT hard to add water to a can? Just make the goddamn can bigger!

Actually, Byakuya had a little run-in with cans and that's why he's the Soul Society can-opener...Let me tell you about it.

So when Rukia went down to Earth, she brought back cans of Spam. Yes, Spam. I know you guys probably don't like it, but for those of you who are deprived and do not know what Spam is made of, it's basically all the parts of a pig (well, I think it's mostly pig, at least) that aren't used in sausages, ham, or whatever else. Basically, it's like lips, snouts, tails, that kind of stuff. ANYWAY, she brought back Spam and gave a can to her brother. So, he "scattered" Senbonzakura or however the hell you spell it and, let me tell you, that zanpakutoh can do some pretty cool shit, took all the wrapping off the Spam. And then he screamed.

You know why he screamed?

He was offended. Offended that Rukia had brought him this greasy, fatty...dog food like THING. I don't blame her, of course. Byakuya started his diet AFTER she left. So, kinda missed the point there.

So I'm carrying my soup over to the table, and YUMICHIKA, that bastard, sticks his foot out and trips me. And, well, let's just say Renji was splattered with a liquid, very HOT, version, of his own hair. I am starting to doubt the microwave...I wasn't aware that soup could burn through wood...Well, alright, maybe putting the microwave on the highest power wasn't such a good idea...

Okay, well, I kinda have to go now, because I need to, oh, let's see:

Do laundry (even though it's only Renji's uniform I kinda ruined)  
Wash dishes (Hey, I'll wash MY dish, but why do I have to wash theirs too? This is a MONARCHY!)  
Do homework (Yes, they still gave us homework even though the fire alarm went off)  
Dust house (Why the hell do I have to DUST? I can't even reach those high corners! And besides, I don't even live here permanently!)  
Clean room (In case you haven't noticed, Urahara, I can't clean my room, because there's nothing worth cleaning in my room! There's a bed, the floor, the ceiling, the walls, and a hanger to hang my uniform that I wear every single day anyway!)

Yeah. And I should look into buying Urahara some new furniture. I don't think the dining table is going to last very long with that tomato soup on it.

But I'll catch you later, and I'll write up more when I have time. Or whenever I want to slack off in class.

**_August 24  
Urahara's Shop/My Temporary Home  
Tuesday  
Hitsugaya_**

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Hope you guys liked that!

See that little button right under these words? yeah. Click it. Leave us a review. Let us know how we're doing!

And also, NO FLAMES! OR ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL CUT YOU UP INTO TINY PIECES, STUFF THE PIECES INTO PASTA, AND GIVE IT TO BYAKUYA AS LOW FAT RAVIOLI!

(sorry I'm getting less creative with the Byakuya cracks. And I know there was no mention of ravioli in this chapter. But don't call me on it.)

Catch ya later  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan


	6. Rewrapped Fruitcake

**Skyskater's Daily Note: YO! ARE ANY OF YOU PEOPLE READING THIS?! If you're not, tell me now. Although you'll never tell me, because YOU DON'T READ WHAT I HAVE TO SAY!!**

**Glad to see that the readers are finally getting into gear here. At least it's not a 2 to 1 ratio of reviews to chapters. I find that inspirational.**

**Daily Advice: If you're riding on a motorcycle, it's probably a good idea not to be fat. Or people will take pictures of you and post them on the Internet. No joking. **

Nobody suspects me of lighting up those magazines. I'm glad about that. Haha, I'm pretty sure Mr. Lee, the math teacher, is having sort of a sexual identity crisis right about now...not that he's ever been sure what exactly he is. I vote that he go and get a gender change so that he can be openly gay without anybody else knowing it. Just like Keigo should get a broken cellphone so that he can talk to himself without anybody looking at him all funny.

The school got the system reset, so that is good. Although I wish it had taken them longer. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate school? Gee, if I'd wanted to make school stay out longer, I shoulda just beamed up to Soul Society, gotten Byakuya, brought him back down here and set him loose on the plumbing. That would have taken them a while to fix.

You know, because what SANE kid wants to go to a school where the bathrooms are overflooding (and not just from the sinks, either) and water fountains go all mad and squirt at you whenever you walk by? Or, rather, they don't work at all when you're trying to get a drink, and then have a delayed reaction and splash you just as you're looking down into the pipe thingy to see what's wrong with it.

But alright. So anyway. Back to the present.

I am actually writing this in detention. Yes, DETENTION. I can't quite believe it myself.

And I got booted in here for the stupidest reason ever. Let me tell you about it.

So, it all started in English. Miss Zhang, our English teacher, always writes a quote on the board and for the first few minutes of class we're supposed to write down our feelings about this quote and how we interpret it. So, the quote of the day was: "You can't have your cake and eat it too." Of course, it probably wasn't exactly worded like that, but I think you get what I'm saying. If you don't, you shouldn't be reading this story, should you? Or then again, you could just be such of a lazy ass that you don't even want to go search the Internet for the meaning of this quote. And, that being said, are you one of those people who are willing to crawl on your hands and knees all over your living room because you can't find the remote control because you're just TOO DARN LAZY to go and switch channels using your TV?

Anyway. That was the quote. So, being the good student that I am, I wrote the following response:

"Well, Miss Zhang, this quote is violating my beliefs. I know you are probably going to ask why, so here's my reasoning: Why in the HELL would someone give me a cake I can't eat? That's just not fun! I mean, I know I have a rather...large palate, but come on! I ain't gonna eat no plastic cake! So FUCK IT! I'm gonna go and steal someone else's cake and eat that one! Saves everybody the trouble of having to go and get me a cake! Besides, I hate fruitcake, which everybody seems to think I like. So, you know what? This year, I'll rewrap the fruitcake Hanatarou (that kiss-ass!) gave me last year, and I'll send it right back to him! It's the thought that counts, right?"

So. I was not aware that today was the day that she decided to read them out loud. She NEVER does that! Isn't this a violation of my privacy? I am spreading my feelings out there, and I think they should be confined to a well-protected place! Which does NOT HAPPEN to be said out loud in a classroom!

Yes. Apparently I poured too much of my soul into that interpretation, because immediately after reading it out loud, she got all red and everything. I thought she was going to EXPLODE! By the way, that's the way Byakuya likes his food, if you ever happen to go up to Soul Society to see him, the 8th wonder of the world. (Yes, he's dead, but that's not the point.) He likes it freshly exploded. Of course, he does not like the use of gunpowder, because he says it tastes too metallic...Isn't that a bit hypocrite-ish? Blood tastes metallic too...Please don't ask how I know that. Well, truth is, I've bit my tongue many times before...

Now I'm in detention. Boy, life is great. So, right now, I'm supposed to be doing lines. 50 lines that say, "I shall keep my true feelings to a school-appropriate level." HA! If only Miss Zhang could see what several of the boys and girls here do...But, well, maybe making out against a REALLY SHARP locker is punishment enough...it probably leaves bruises...

Actually, no, I'm not doing my lines. I told this one abnormally geeky techie (if you don't know what a techie is, you clearly need to go back and read the first chapter, don't you?) that I'd set him up with a date for the Welcoming Dance on Saturday. And he believed me! That gullible fool. I bet I could go and tell him that gullible wasn't a word, and he'd have to go and look for it in a dictionary. Of course, I don't think that guy can actually SPELL, so he probably wouldn't be even able to find it. The only reason I know that my lines are being done correctly is that I wrote out the sentence a few times at the top of the page and told him to copy it.

I don't see why this is wrong. Yes, for all of you moral mortals (haha, another alliteration, if only Miss Zhang could read this story! Then again, maybe not. I don't want her to know that I'm having the autistic techie who broke into FBI files doing my detention lines and admitting it on the Internet...Not even sure if that sentence made sense, but who cares? I know you get the gist of it. If you don't, MY GOD! TAKE SOME ENGLISH CLASSES PEOPLE!) who think this is bad and I'll go to hell for this, no, I really won't. Byakuya, who replaced Satan a few centuries back by roasting him over the fire like a Hawaiian luau pig (if you have no recollection of this, GO BACK AND READ THE FRIKKIN STORY!) would never doom me to hell. Why? I FEED the guy on a regular basis!

Oh shit, that proctor dude is coming this way. I'm gonna have to grab my sheet of lines from that techie and act as though I'm writing them. So, all in all, I have to go now. Otherwise I'll be staying in this hellhole for even longer than I want to be. And I know you guys don't want me to be tortured like this, right? Well, maybe you're a real sadist and you like that kind of shit. In which case, well, I don't like you very much. And that doesn't mean I like you at all.

But, yeah. So, I am going to leave now. I just hope they don't notice that most of the lines are written in different handwriting...

**_August 25  
Detention/The Mini Hell Inside Hell  
Wednesday  
Hitsugaya_**

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**So, how'd you guys like?**

**See that lil button under my writing? Yeah, I'd be very much grateful to you if you'd click that. **

**Got any suggestions for us? Got any questions? Feel free to write them in in your review. But please note that your questions may not be answered accurately and your suggestions may or may not be used... but they sure are appreciated!**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN ARE GONNA SET BYAKUYA LOOSE ON YOUR PLUMBING, AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, THERE'LL BE A MINI HURRICANE KATRINA RAGING IN YOUR LIVING ROOM!!**

**So bye-bye for now! (tee hee)  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	7. Karin Can't Cook

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Damn, there's so many people actually taking my junk for what it is now, JUNK! I'm glad for that! The reviews are booming and I really appreciate it you guys. I really do.**

**You know, this is kinda surprising, because my stories that I don't actually write rough drafts for, like this one, don't usually get as many reviews. But for some reason, I can just write it up on this site and not even have to correct it and you people like it. I'm glad for that.**

**Daily Advice: If you happen to go to Saudi Arabia soon, know that the show The Muppets is banned because one of the stars was a pig.**

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So. Today is Saturday. Although you guys probably already guessed that. If you didn't, all I can say is, "GODDAMN! YOU'RE ONE STUPID PERSON!"

ANYWAY, I am writing this at a soccer game. Yes, a soccer game. No, I am not into organized sports. But this is Ichigo's sister Karin's soccer game. The only real reason I'm writing about this is because SOMEONE (cough cough AbaraiSuzuka who I KNOW is a relative of Renji's) is a diehard HitsuKarin fan, even though, like I said before in previous chapters, I would never go out with her because she is taller than me and also, she's ALIVE. Come on. That would make her a necrophiliac or whatever the hell it's called, or, to give it to ya in plain Japanese, whatever the hell Ichimaru is.

So, to cut to the chase, I'm here because, well, how else do you expect me to humiliate Karin unless I attend one of these social events at which she happens to be present? Oh dear, did I say humiliate? Because I completely meant add her in...

And yes, I know I used that line before. But you're not gonna call me on it, because YOU'RE not the one writing.

There are times like this when I seriously think Ichigo is adopted. I mean, seriously. Okay, so, I know you're all wondering why I think this, because you probably don't. And when people have varying opinions, they want to know the other side. And when they want to know the other side, there's an awkward silence. And in this awkward silence, people think of gay babies...

ANYWAY, yes. I think Ichigo is adopted at some times. First of all, let's start with his dad, the biggest homo of him all. (I don't care if I'm offending Isshin fans, because simply, I don't even know you. You could be from Yugoslavia or one of the 5 bajillion small countries in Africa that you can't even spell.) So. Isshin Kurosaki is either a) completely insane as a result of his wife's death or b) completely homo and was never in love with her in the first place. Of course, this doesn't explain why he has a huge ass poster of her on his dining room wall...Perhaps he's bisexual. That would make sense.

And then we have Yuzu. Alright. Actually, I think Yuzu is fairly normal under the circumstances. The only real questions are, How did she get her peaceful and normal demeanor? And where the hell did she get blonde hair? I mean, look at it. Ichigo's mom was a redhead, strawberry blonde, whatever the hell you want to call it, her hair was ORANGE, okay? And Isshin has black hair. I don't get it. Because red and black does not make blonde. Maybe YUZU'S the adopted one...

That leaves us with Karin. She's a total tomboy. And I get that. I don't really like girls who are all like, "Oh gods, a puddle! I can't dodge it or jump over it because that would ruin my ladylike appearance!" That is TOTAL CRAP. But at the same time, I also don't really favor girls who can't cook rice to save their lives. Case in point: Karin Kurosaki. Seriously. All you have to do is measure out two cups of rice, pour it into the rice cooker, and add water until it reaches the number two line. Then you flip the switch to boil. I don't get why this is so hard...but then again, she is, after all, a mere mortal and does not have the same brain capacity as I myself do.

Come on. Don't give me all that crap about how normal families are like that. I think not. I actually consider Ishida's family a normal one, because, well, they all avoid each other. You gotta give them an award for that display of affection.

Now, back to the present. Yes. Karin's team, (Sohma Sharks, come on, what kind of name is that? Sharks here in Japan are mostly killed off for use in shark fin soup...and Sohma Sharks? I appreciate the alliteration, or attempt at one, but still. I would like to know why these people aren't creative enough to give the elementary school a different name?) are facing off against a rival elementary school, (and this one just cracks me up) the Tokyo Turtles. TURTLES. Once again, nice attempt at alliteration, but please. TURTLES? No offense, people, but that just lost you a couple popularity votes. And also, that kind of implies that you're going to get your asses kicked, because turtles are not very fast...

Also, come on. Those guys are hypocrites. They're not even from Tokyo!

Well, the game is three quarters of the way through right now. Let me tell you about my fellow people and what they are up to.

Renji is fooling around with Rukia, and god only knows what Byakuya will do to him when we get back to Soul Society (actually, I have a pretty good guess: He'll request for Renji to be his "pitmate.")

Ikkaku is sleeping, as is Yumichika, they both sleep whenever they can. I mean, if you're in the 11th division, you kind of have to, because you never know when Kenpachi (that human tank) is going to get you up in the wee hours of the morning shouting "THIS IS A DRILL!" through a megaphone. I think he was a coach in his previous life for some kind of sport, but I can't make myself break it to the guy that he's not coaching football players anymore.

Urahara is in a dark section of the bleachers, passing out bags of some suspicious looking white stuff...eh, I don't actually care about what he does, if he gets busted for passing out drugs, not my problemo. Besides, he needs the money to pay the taxes on his shop.

Matsumoto, is, well, being Matsumoto. Which means discussing cup size with Orihime. One thing I don't understand is why girls measure their breasts in cups? It's not like they're liquid and can actually fit in cups...

Anyway, back to the game, because I can tell this conversation is getting somewhat awkward.

So, well, this is not surprising. Karin's team is winning, 3 to zero. I mean, yes, the Tokyo Turtles are trying to play a good game here, but please. It's not even worth trying if you're bad already.

And then, OH GOD! Karin just got nailed in that...place...with a soccer ball! She's keeling over, oh lord, she passed out...Either that must be a really hard and fast soccer ball, or maybe she's a transvestite...

At any rate, I was hoping for a better game. I did not expect Karin to pass out in the middle of a soccer game to be carried out on a stretcher. No, that was not called for. But it was sure funny.

So now, the game's over. The Tokyo Turtles...LOST. Yeah. I know you weren't expecting that.

But now we're all packing up and going to rush off to the hospital to check if Karin is okay, which she should be unless she is a transvestite.

So now, I gotta go. I can't write in the car, or it would be too hard to read and Skyskater would get mad at me.

So, until next time.

**_August 28  
Karakura Stadium/A Place of Questionable Hygiene  
Saturday  
Hitsugaya_**

**So, how'd you like? **

**Come on, go on, I know you want to click that lil button under these words and leave me a review.**

**And AbaraiSuzuka, I hope you're happy. Here's your daily Karin humiliation/admiration you've been asking for. **

**ALSO, NO FLAMES, OR ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL ENLIST YOU TO BE BYAKUYA'S NEXT PITMATE! (I should warn you that his pitmates never last more than a week...)**

**So, I'll catch ya guys later!  
Skyskater (hey that rhymes. Tee-hee)  
And Shiro-chan**


	8. Uryuu's A Closet Perv

**Skyskater's Daily Note: So, today I was bombed with a bunch of reviews. But let me tell you something, there's nothing like getting a bunch of positive reviews and then getting the one that says something like, "Yeah, I didn't like this story, it's too underdeveloped." **

**COME ON! DON'T LIKE, DON'T READ! Good God! After I specifically said no flames!**

**Daily Advice: Never flame Skyskater. I'll get revenge.**

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Monday again. I didn't bother to write about yesterday, because, simply, there was nothing to write about yesterday. Well, alright, let's just say that, in lieu of not wanting to write this here for the whole world's prying eyes to see, I may or may not owe Urahara a new tail fin for his black Honda Accord. That all depends on whether or not he notices it. Knowing him, he wouldn't notice it. If he was stuck in a cardboard box, he would not notice a bear standing at the entrance. That guy is virtually blind, and let me tell you, I blame his hat. If he took it off every once in a while, he wouldn't be as blind as he is now.

I'm in detention. AGAIN. I can't believe it. I know you're probably fainting, foaming at the mouth, keeling over in your chair, and all that other shit that people who are in shock do. Anyways, I really don't understand why I have to be in this hellhole again. I mean, it was free period. Okay, let me tell you what happened.

So it's free period. Basically, this means we can do whatever the hell we want within reason while the teacher does Sudokus and crosswords while sipping a nonfat soy latte from Starbucks. So, naturally, I want to have some fun. That seems okay, right? I guess that's wrong. According to Mr. Lee, our math teacher, that is.

I stand up now, right. Of course, Mr. Lee doesn't look up, because free period is normally weird. I brought a marionette doll to school for this very purpose, one that looks almost exactly like me. It can't look exactly like me, because then it would be voodoo and I ain't gonna go sticking around pins in a doll that I made of myself. That seems far too conceited and...painful.

Right. So I start playing with the puppet, making its mouth move, and I make these noises:

"Humphlurg! Humphlurg! Humphlurg!" And let me tell ya, I think Miss Chan, one of the biology teachers, would be proud. She showed us this video the other day, and these deer, they were making these sounds that sounded exactly like what I was doing. Well, of course, for much different reasons. The deer were in heat; I was just goofing around. Yes, I know, biology teachers have no shame. I think they like to taunt us with these videos because it's illegal for us young ones to have the three-letter word that begins with an S and ends with an X and no I am not talking about the number SIX.

So Uryuu, whose head is, of course, buried in a book, now stands up and says, "Please, you're making these random noises again. Can you stop it? Can you not see I am trying to read? You must be considerate of other people's feelings -"

And then he goes on this long rant about how I'm being loud, noisy, and extremely rude. So of course I interrupt him.

"I am?"

He says, "Yes, you are." If anything, when it comes to simple little social conversations, which does not include the rant mentioned above, he is a man of many words. If you didn't understand that, please go back and read it again because I will not take the time to explain it to you.

So I say, "And you tell me this WHY?...Seriously, what're you gonna do to me? You can't hurt me, it would be child abuse. And honestly, my zanpakutoh would completely demolish your sad little bow and sticks."

And then he goes on this rant about how I'm BOTHERING him, and about how he's trying to read a good book here and so I look at the book, which is now open on his desk while he continues to rant and rave about this whole thing and blah blah blah and I realize, after reading a few lines, that he's into this one sex scene in that really popular American vampire book Eclipse.

And so, being me, you know what I scream: "OH EMM GEE! URYUU'S A CLOSET PERVERT!"

And so, being him, Mr. Lee stands up, looks at me, and says, "Hitsugaya-san, why are you shouting such immoralities?"

I looked at him, and, of course, being the devious captain that I am...oh dear, did I say devious? I fully meant intelligent and cunning. Although isn't cunning a negative disposition? Well, alright, if it is, which I don't know for sure, I'm going to leave it out and just say I am intelligent. ANYWAY, being the intelligent little boy that I am, I look at my marionette doll and say, "Dear, dear, have you been talking indecently again? I think it's time for you to go back into the backpack."

To add effect, I move the mouth of the doll to say, "Oh lord! Not the backpack! Anything but the backpack! Please, I beg of you -"

And, of course, go into a long rant about how he doesn't like the backpack because it's so small and confining and blah blah blah blah blah, and out of the corner of my eye I see Mr. Lee writing on a suspicious looking slip of paper. Then in the middle of my rant, which was just getting good, too, he stands up, walks over to my desk with the slip and a roll of tape, and tapes the paper over my mouth.

I mean, good God, do you not have respect for me?! If you had done that to Byakuya, Mr. Lee, you would be diced, cubed, and served up in stew so Byakuya could eat you for breakfast! (Please, I know the normal person does not have stew for breakfast, but Byakuya is far from what you would call a normal person. Also, Aruguealot, are you happy now? You'd better be. I don't know how else to appease you short of doing an awkward and degrading dance that would make my reputation here on Earth bad...and you wouldn't want that, now, would you?)

So now I'm here in detention. Again. You know, I may be setting a record here. But honestly, people, I don't think I deserve to be in detention for this. I was simply minding my own business, playing with myself...Oh Lord, that sounds wrong. For all you perverts out there, please, don't take that seriously. I don't actually play with myself. I meant, I just meant that I was playing with myself in terms of the doll that I made...but of course you won't believe me, so let's just move on from here. Nobody believes that I am actually just a sweet little innocent boy for some reason. Nobody. Come on, I am like, the poster child for innocence! Like I said, that doodle of Rangiku that I drew on the test was very ungraphical.

But yes, if stupid Uryuu hadn't bothered me like that, I would not be in here in the first place. Also, I think it's his fault that he had to be reading THAT one book, THAT one scene. If he had been reading any other page, I would not have shouted out like that and it would never have happened.

But maybe it's a good thing that I'm in detention. As far as I know, he's still ranting on in there, trying to justify how he's not a closet pervert.

But really, you and me both know he is, now don't we? This will make for good blackmail soon...(feel free to insert evil little demonic chuckle here)

**_August 30  
Detention/The Mini Hell Inside Hell  
Monday  
Hitsugaya_**

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**How did you like it? This chapter was actually written more for Aruguealot than for anyone else really, but that's not the point. I know you want to click that lil button under these words, so go ahead! Do it! I dare you!**

**Also, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL DICE YOU UP AND SERVE YOU IN A STEW TO BYAKUYA FOR BREAKFAST!**

**Catch ya later (giggles)  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	9. Yumichika's Skin Cancer

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Haha, I see one of my old stories is getting good reviews again from some of my fans, which is good, but people, people, I want you reading THIS story. Go read my other stories AFTER this one! LOL.**

**Hmm, well, this chapter is devoted to me and my major freak-out yesterday. You'll hear about this freak-out in this chappie, simply because it is providing the main humor in chapter 11.**

**If there are typos in this one, you gotta forgive me. I'm doing this off my iPod Touch...sorry for the wait, too.**

**Daily Advice: Try scrubbing your skin off with a rag before you think you have skin cancer. It might just be dirt or sunburned skin.**

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It is Tuesday. Although I am hoping you know that. Because if you don't, you clearly don't understand why the hell you're reading this story. Anyway, today is actually a very special day. Of course, you probably don't know what day it is today, so here, let me tell you.

It's August 31: Also known as, Renji's birthday.

True, in the real world he's turning, like, what? 25? Because there's no way a guy that tall with that many tattoos would even be in high school in the first place, but as long as he's stuck doing the whole "Yeah, I got held back for 5 years" thing, that's cool with me. I'm not humiliating myself in any way.

But in Soul Society, he's like, oh, geez, 200 something. I'm not even gonna bother to count the years. Because, well, it makes sense, 25 years for childhood play, I'll give him 150 years (including hold backs, if there were any, which I'm sure there were) for the Academy training, and then 25 or so years in the Gotei 13. Because, really, he hasn't been a lieutenant that long. Of course, this does not include the time where he was a lieutenant for Mayuri. (He was, originally, before Nemu came along like a Frankenstein-ess, and then got so freaked out with Mayuri that he wanted to switch. Of course, being ever so understanding, Byakuya took him under his wing, and, well, you can see where that got him.)

Anyways, today's his birthday. I really don't get what the whole big deal is, because obviously, we're going to have a whole bunch of birthdays since we're practically freaking immortal unless you kill us. Which I know you wouldn't want to do. Well, okay, you can kill the rest of them, but don't kill me, because I am just a sweet innocent little boy...

So. Back to Renji. We're at home now, school's been out for a while. I could not write in school because of the lack of time today. You would never believe how many tests teachers can throw at you in one day. Basically, just look at how many classes you have. Yeah. That's basically how many tests you can have in one day. Also, please note that PE teachers are evil, because they also give out written tests in addition to you having to run your ass off during a timed mile for "Fitness Standards". Now, this is no problem for me, since I am small and aerodynamic and I cut through the wind, but still, it can get a bit challenging for people like Renji, who's very tall and has problems with the wind, and for people like Yumichika, who don't want to mess up their hair.

I know you're probably asking whether I got Renji a present or not. The answer is, yes, yes I did.

But, not having enough time to actually think of something unique and creative, I got him a rubber band ball. You know those things they sell at WalMart in those plastic little baggies in the office supplies aisle? Yeah, I got him one of those.

Because I figure he needs rubber bands to hold back his hair, right? And these are pretty darn good rubber bands. They come in COLORS. And they were cheap.

So don't you dare call me uncaring, because I'm not. I am a very nice little boy who is very considerate of others. Also, it's the thought that counts, right?

I'm actually writing this because Yumichika is actually freaking out right now and asking me for help. Being as that I don't want to help him, I'm refusing his requests by writing in this journal. (This thing actually comes in really handy when I want to avoid being asked for help. Especially from Yumichika.)

Well, okay. He's freaking out over a very small reason: He has these splotches on his arms that are darker than the rest of his skin and now he thinks he has skin cancer or some other form of skin disease and that he's going to have to get his skin bleached and end up like the Asian version of Michael Jackson. I mean, seriously! Come on, even if he does have to get bleached, it won't be as bad as Michael Jackson! (For any of you who are actually Michael Jackson fans, I am not very sorry that I am bashing him, so get over it.)

(On a side note, I much prefer Fall Out Boy's version of "Beat It". Yes, I do know who Fall Out Boy is. I am not some kind of hillbilly who lives in the woods and marries their sisters.)

ANYWAY, so, since he's shaking me and my writing is getting all weird and stuff because he's shaking me, I'm going to answer his question. Doesn't the guy have any sense? Doesn't he know it's probaby sunburn or dirt even?

GO RUB IT THE HELL OFF! You have no idea what the hell you're talking about! Seriously. If you want to see a guy with skin issues, go look up Captain Tousen of the 9th division. I seriously don't know how the heck he got into the Gotei 13 in the first place...of course, we're not racist, but I mean, honestly. There hasn't been a captain like...him...for over a century!

Right. So, Yumichika's run off to the shower to try and rub his skin off with a pumice stone. I told him that he didn't need such a rough surface, but NOOOO...nobody listens to little Hitsugaya over here because I am apparently naive and have absolutely no clue in the ways of the world. Which, of course, is not true. I know very much about the birds and the bees, thank you very much. Of course, having Shuuhei Hisagi for a Sex Education teacher, the guy with the **69 **on his face, did not help preserve my innocence, so of course I am no longer as pure as driven snow. Or as my hair. But that's not the point.

Yeah, Shuuhei, I'm sure you wanted to get the Cancer sign tattooed on your face. SURE...we all know what you do at 7 o'clock at night.

Alright, I guess Yumichika's coming out now. Insanely fast shower, although I don't actually think he took a shower. I just think he wet his arms, the rock, and rubbed the top five layers of his skin off. Well, at least he doesn't have brown splotches any more on his "milky, dewy skin" that he rubs every day with Olay Shea Butter.

Seriously. How does Kenpachi put up with him? Of course, this is the man who gels his hair into foot long spikes every single day and puts bells on the ends...so, not gonna criticize. Whatever floats his boat.

Hey, I give good advice, okay? I made Yumichika's skin cancer go away. Of course, this is beside the point that he is using a gigai, but we don't have to let him know that, do we now?

**_August 31  
Urahara's Shop/My Temporary Home  
Tuesday  
Hitsugaya_**

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**So, how'd you like? Yes, actually, this did happen to me, I thought I had skin cancer because part of my arms were darker than the rest of my skin, which is actually quite an accomplishment because I'm actually really dark for a Chinese person...my mom is like, white...and anemic...if you don't know what anemic means, go look it up.**

**So, click that lil button under these words and leave me a review!**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME ME (i know there were no Byakuya cracks in this one, so sorry...), ME AND SHIRO-CHAN SHALL RUB OFF THE TOP FIVE LAYERS OF YOUR SKIN WITH A PUMICE STONE! AND IT WILL HURT!**

**So bye bye for now! (tee hee)  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	10. Yoruichi's Lost Bet

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Skyskater's Daily Note: Yo, if you guys haven't watched replays of the Olympics from past years, you should. They're on Youtube. There's like this gymnast who was running so fast in the pommel horse event, and then he ran straight into the pommel. It was pretty funny.

**But on a sad note, let us mourn the family that was killed in Beijing (takes off hat and closes eyes for a silent moment)**

**Daily Advice/Note: Hey, did you see that one Japanese male gymnast? He was HAWT.**

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Saturday again. Life gets pretty monotonous when you're actually doing something for once. Of course, you have to understand, I was NOT slacking off in Soul Society. But as I've been mortally inconvenienced by a horrible paper cut, I think you can understand why I was unable to fill out the paperwork. Also, it didn't help that Matsumoto didn't warn me about the new teacup. We should get a refund for that teacup. (If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, go ask another one of my reviewers. They probably get it.)

Basically, Saturdays are like my days off here in the real world. This is the day where I don't have to do homework or any of that other shit that you lame Americans over there (and whatever other country you may come from, like I said before in earlier chapters, there are like a bajillion countries in the world that nobody knows of...most of them in Africa) do because you don't have anything better to do.

Alright, so the Beijing Olympics. I see Skyskater's been leaving daily notes for you up there, and the past few chapters have been concerning the Beijing Olympics. So I'm going to discuss them. I know you guys all want to hear my opinion on the Olympics, so you can just shut up now, listen, and provide a good audience, you know, the kind that throws roses and teddy bears onto the stage after every sentence and then the stagehands get all mad because they have to clean it up...

Anyway, Olympics. Right. I personally think the Chinese Olympics are starting out extremely well, although China spent at least 3 billion American dollars to get all the people here. And I think that dignitary from Russia was overdoing it. Seriously. 2000 bodyguards? Yes, I can understand why George Bush would want to have 600, but still, 2000? A bit much?

So. Did you guys happen to see the opening ceremony? Well, I got a whole shitload of things to say about that. First of all, HUGE USA crowd. Also, did you guys see that one country, Niger? Well, if you were too ignorant and missed it or something, then I'll let you know what cracked me up about that: Niger is a country with a population of 13 million people, and 1 athlete. Imagine the pressure! So, basically, to cut to the chase, 12,999,999 people are depending on that ONE person to bring them home a medal. Good God! Seriously, that country is gonna be so disappointed if he doesn't bring home a medal.

And the Chinese crowd. Alright. What's the scoop with them? I mean, Yao Ming plays for the ROCKETS. Yes, I understand he has a Chinese citizenship and all, but...that's just confusing. Also, that little boy had a bald patch on the side of his head. Yes, I understand that he's a brave little boy to go back into a building after an earthquake to save his classmates, but...wear a cap, dude. The bald spot kept distracting me, and when Yao Ming held him up during the fireworks, I seriously thought he (the boy's name is Lin Hao, just so you know) was gonna hit Yao with one of his flags. And then the big guy would go down, and BOOM! A mini-earthquake, rated 2 on the Richter scale!

Of course, I'm not saying that Yao's heavy or anything, but a guy that big would probably make a mini earthquake, or something to that matter. You really gotta wonder how big his and his wife's bed is. It's custom made, I bet you anything. Of course, then the bed frame would also have to be custom made...Maybe they just went ahead and bought a mansion, since everything there is bigger and they wouldn't keep banging their heads on doorframes.

This is why I love being short. That way I don't have to worry about any hostile doorframes. Of course, it doesn't help that everyone looks down on me and is patronizing because of my height. I am a freaking child prodigy and probably smarter than you! (that D was a total fluke.) Oh hey, and you reviewer who said you didn't think you were shorter than me at 4'11 1/2? Well, guess what? I'm only 4'11! HA!

Kay. Now. Let me tell you about Urahara's enthusiasm towards the Olympics. Towards isn't a word, do you know that?? Alright, well, back to the Olympics. Yes. So yesterday, in a 400m swimming race, not the one with Michael Phelps (that guy kicks ass, it's amazing) but the one with the Chinese guy Zhang and the Korean guy Park, you know what I'm talking about? Well, if you don't, you gotta go and watch a replay of it.

So. Urahara was totally rooting for the Korean dude, whose name was something Park. There are so many Parks and Kims in Korea...and what the hell was up with the Chinese separating them into two separate countries? Yes, I realize that there's a North Korea and a South Korea, but COME ON! You guys are too small to be separated! That's like trying to divide Vermont into half! Okay. Anyway. Urahara was rooting for Park and Yoruichi, who actually did come to watch the Olympics because her TV short-circuited, were both sitting on the couch with their eyes glued to Urahara's Aquos 52 inch TV.

Yes, I know Urahara's supposed to be a poor shop owner and all that other shit, but he sure is making a whole lot of money being an illegal drug dealer.

Anyway, so they're both sitting there, with their hands curled into fists and cheering whenever their favorite takes a lead in a split. Of course, it's more Urahara's cheering than Yoruichi's, because, well, Zhang was losing horribly. Yes, I know I just switched tenses, but you're not gonna call me on it. I'm Japanese, not English, and Skyskater is translating for me, so you can blame her. She's doing a bad job! Actually, no, no she's not. But anyway, don't call me on it.

So finally Park finishes the race, of course it's not an insane Olympic record or World Record like Michael Phelps, but he still wins. And that's pretty damn good. Of course, just being in the Olympics is pretty damn good, but it kinda sucks if you work your whole lifetime and your ass off to get there, only to come in last place.

Anyway, Park finishes the race in first place, just a few seconds ahead of Zhang, who came in second. Then, Urahara's all jumping up and cheering wildly, and Yoruichi just stands up, punches him in the face, and calmly departs, throwing some yen down on the table. I TOLD Yoruichi not to bet against Urahara in the Olympics. I think he has some secret radio thingy hidden inside his hat that tells him who's gonna win the race or whatever. He's secretly communicating with people in Beijing, I bet...

Of course, I found it funny. I was cracking up and rolling on the floor, and then Urahara was suddenly blocking out the light, standing over me with those creepy bloodshot eyes of his, and he was holding a belt. He asked me if I wanted a can of whoopass. I said no, of course, and then I threatened to call the cops on him for child abuse. The man started crying like a little child. Seriously. Doesn't he know that I don't even know how to use the telephone he has in his house? It's one of those seriously old phones that have the circular numbers and you have to turn the thing.

Geez, you'd think Urahara lived in the 18th century with some of the stuff he has in his house.

Right. But I don't think he was crying because I was threatening to call him on child abuse. I think it was because he didn't want the police finding out about the secret stash of cocaine and marijuana he keeps sealed carefully in Ziploc bags in the toilet tank.

But seriously. What kind of sane person would WANT to go fishing in a toilet tank for drugs that may or may not even exist??

Being a cop must be terrible. Not to mention all the donut cracks you get. Seriously. What if a cop's allergic to something in donuts? What then? That's a stereotype!

Also, did you see the gymnasts a few days ago? My God, those guys have biceps like you would never believe!

In his previous life, since we're still talking about the Olympics, let me tell you, Byakuya actually made it into the Olympics there. For what, you're asking? What else? Shooting. That guy is LETHAL with a gun. Of course, this is the man who can actually be lethal with a water pistol or a wood chip if he wanted to be. But anyway, there's just something about seeing a deranged man holding a gun that makes you want to turn around and walk away.

Right. But during the Olympics, 1984, just so you know, he was watching the Javelin event. A guy tripped while throwing the javelin, the spear went off course, and, well, hit Byakuya. What else can I say? I won't bother to go into all the details here, because this is not the freaking end of Eclipse or anything, and no heads get ripped off and no people get burned, either, so stop fantasizing about that. I'm not freaking Edward Cullen, although Byakuya could sure give that guy a run for his money.

So, Byakuya died. Went to heaven. End of story.

And we actually do have Olympics up here, too. Following the same sports and everything. It's pretty cool. Of course, we don't go all out like Beijing or any of the other people, it's just sports and stuff. And there are no fouls. Pretty harsh scoring, though.

Well, like old times, Byakuya is a shooter. And let me tell ya, that guy shoots pretty damn well for being mentally retarded. He's doing Skeet, right, and he shoots all of the targets outta the air. No misses. Perfect score. First place. And it's the same in archery too. Perfect 10s every time. You'd think the guy hunted for his food for a living, the scores he gets.

Anyway. Let's move to the women's gymnastics. For all those of you who are accusing the Chinese people of cheating about the gymnasts' ages, let me tell you, ASIAN PEOPLE TEND TO LOOK YOUNGER THAN WE REALLY ARE. Good God! I'm dead and people still think I'm 12! Anyway. Listen up. Just because the Chinese team looks young doesn't mean that they're cheating. I don't hear anybody accusing the Japanese people or American people or anything. Just the Chinese. What's up with that? A bit biased, dontcha think?

Also, there's been some biased reporting going on. Seriously. On the uneven bars, when the Chinese people land and take a step, the reporters always say, "Oh, that's a significant step," and all that other shit. But when the American people do it, they're all, "Oh, yeah, a little bigger than normal, but..." Seriously! I know the reporters are American, but come on! Don't be biased!

So, guys and girls, let's try to act like neutralities. Let's not judge people on how old they look or what race they are. Just remember that when you're watching the Olympics, just look at what the people can do and not what they are. Okay? Don't be biased. It's a good quality to have when you're living the real life.

**_September 4  
Urahara's Shop/My Temporary Home  
Saturday  
Hitsugaya_**

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**So, did you enjoy it? I hope you did. **

**And these are my real feelings about the Olympics. I don't think it should matter whether the Chinese gymnasts' ages are legit or not. Seriously. The shit they do is amazing. Just accept it, and let's move on.**

**Also, NO FLAMES! OR ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL SET YOU UP AS A SKEET TARGET FOR BYAKUYA! (PS. Did you see the Korean archers today? Freaking amazing.)**

**Bye bye for now!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	11. Ichigo's Twisted Family

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Well, now that summer is coming to an end, I may have less and less chances to update, but do not fear, for I shall conquer all evil and whatever other heroic shit you want to insert here.**

**NEW: I'm taking challenges now. So, here's the rules: You can challenge me to include something (song titles, bands, whatever you want) in an already-existing story or you can challenge me to write a completely new story with whatever you want (like bricks, pancakes, sporks, that kind of stuff). Check my categories in my profile for the list of categories I am willing to do. When I write it, you'll be notified of it, and here's the condition I'm writing this on: YOU GOTTA REVIEW IT. If you don't review it within a week of the story going up, then I am taking it down (provided it does not get any other reviews.) Okay? (This ought to be interesting...let's see what you guys can come up with!)**

**On another note: I'm glad I'm seeing some new faces around this story. That's excellent!**

**Daily Advice: For the challenges, please note that I am not going to write rated M stories. Kay? Also, these aren't included in my profile, but I'll also take Fruits Basket challenges. (I'm gonna have fun with this...)**

Basically, since I know you guys probably didn't read that huge freaking memo up there, what Skyskater is trying to say is that she is accepting challenges in these categories: Fruits Basket (the hell? That's such a homo show now), Naruto (terrible English voices) and Bleach (best show eva).

Anyway, back to me. Since I'm the real reason you're reading this story. Not because you like Skyskater or anything. Heavens, no. It's all about me...(and if you think I'm conceited, listen up, bub. In Soul Society, you gotta love yourself more than anyone else because you are the only one you yourself can trust. Didn't get that? Read it again, S L O W L Y. Although, if I were Gin, I wouldn't trust myself...)

Sunday again. In case you didn't get that. Well, I bet you can guess where I am. That's right. CHURCH. Oh Lord...

At least I brought some...entertainment today. I'm not exactly sure the priest will like it, but I'm dead. I'm already in heaven. No chance of me falling down to Earth, through Earth, and into hell. No siree. Byakuya wouldn't dare do that to me, for I'm just a kind, innocent little boy. No laughing.

Well, on a really random note, I can see this becoming one of the longest stories on this website. Seriously. We're already at 13 chapters, but hell, if you guys like this, I'm gonna continue it. I like reading the reviews of pathetic mortals who cannot find the brain capacity to entertain themselves...Like you!

Okay. Don't tell anyone this, but I brought an idol to church today. It's a very small one, one of those ones you can get attached to a bookmark, and it's located in my Bible. I also have a little notepad to write this entry on and possibly to doodle on if I get bored of doing this.

But yeah. So the bookmark is located in the Bible at the place in the chapter Revelations (very very last chapter, out of what, 50 something??) where it says the Lamb with the seven eyes and the seven horns. Now, you can't say I'm not religious. I know that, and I also happen to know the thing about 666 is in Revelations too. I don't know where exactly, because it's not like I go around memorizing the Bible for fun. Really.

Did I tell you once I saw a 666 Hellman Way here in Karakura Town? Skyskater says there's one somewhere in California too...like, in Monterey Park, wherever the hell that is.

So. I'm gonna tell you my secret plan. Father Kenji can't read English to save his life, so I figure it's safe to post it on the Internet for everyone with the exception of him to read. Right. So here goes. But you can't tell ANYONE. This is a secret. Like case-sensitive FBI files, which, of course, if you had bothered to read the earlier chapters instead of just jumping ahead to this one like I know some of you people out there do, you would know that techie back in chapter whatever, could break into case-sensitive FBI files. I'm sure as heck not gonna go back and read all 13 chapters of this just to find that one incident. You gotta do it yourself. God knows I won't be around to tie your shoelaces forever.

When Father Kenji is walking down the aisle sprinkling everyone with holy water, I'll be sure to open my Bible to Revelations where the bookmark with the idol attached is located, and then I shall stand up, wave the idol in his face (provided that I shall be standing on the pew by this time), and then laugh maniacally, read the verse about 666, and then finish with, "YOU ARE DOOMED! YOU SHALL ALL PERISH IN FLAMES!" and calmly depart.

Well, I mean, a little guy like me has gotta have some entertainment or we get bored and consequently destroy things that are most likely flammable...Although a Renji bonfire would be cool.

So, for the daily dose of humiliation today. The wheel spins and spins and...stops on Ichigo. This ought to be good.

Since we're in church, I'll tell you a really funny story about one of Ichigo's "spiritual" meetings, where you go into this big room with a whole bunch of other people in the church, and you pray and pray and eventually you get "possessed" by someone who's dead who you knew. I, of course, was pretending to be possessed. Because honestly. You EXPECT me to do that? That's asking a bit much.

But I guess Ichigo is really deep into all this religious stuff. Basically, he was possessed with the spirit of his dead mother. And the shit he/she said...Oh god, I didn't know Ichigo had such a twisted family history.

To cut to the chase, this is the gist of it, "Do I need to change my makeup? I think my false eyelashes are coming off. Good God, I need a mirror! Why the hell isn't there a mirror in this room? Why, that no good husband of mine! I told him I needed a mirror expressly in every room except for the attic! I bet he was out playing cards with the "guys" again, like he does every single night! Why, when he gets home, I am gonna give him a bit of my mind!"

And then she went off on this whole rant about how Isshin Kurosaki, Ichigo's dad, in case you didn't know (because it has come to my attention that there are some people on here who have absolutely no clue about some of the people I am talking about, not naming names here though, I'm not THAT mean...) is probably cheating on her with some cheap 20 dollar slut. Yeah. No comment here, but she did say something about him cheating on her with possibly Ryuuken (Uryuu's father, because no one seems to know him either).

Yeah. I sure as hell wouldn't want to live in Ichigo's family. I wonder how Yuzu and Karin remain sane...well, I mean, Karin has the whole transvestite thing to cover up after the soccer incident, so I guess that's all she's stressed about right now, but Yuzu only has what? Cooking and sewing and schoolwork? A typical housewife. FROM THE 15TH CENTURY! GET WITH THE PROGRAM!

And Yuzu's not married, so I guess she wouldn't be called a housewife. Maybe a housegirl? Not a housemaid, because she actually lives in said house...

Well, I may as well invest my time after school trying to find out something to humiliate...oh my, I mean, expose Yuzu for the good and entertainment of the general public...that just sounds...more positive than humiliating, if you know what I mean.

Oh, Lord, Father Kenji is coming down the aisle now with the bucket of holy water. I'm gonna put this journal away so it doesn't get wet, and I am going to execute my plan, mentioned above. Wish me luck, guys! (And I know for a fact Byakuya isn't going to send me to hell. He knows I'm pretty much the only one who's insane enough to feed him his meals.)

So, I'll tell you about the results of Plan 666 when I get a chance. I'm sure you'll get a kick out of it. Because, honestly, you simple mortals get a kick out of whatever the heck I write. Hell, for all you cared, I could put a recipe in here for chocolate cake and you'd still send me tons of reviews. I like feeling all this power...

**_September 5  
The Church of Karakura Town/The Torture Chamber  
Sunday  
Hitsugaya_**

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**Up next, Hitsugaya's big plan, and its consequent...(failure/success.) You decide.**

**Click that lil button below these words and leave me a review! Also in your review, feel free to include challenges or place your vote for how you think the outcome of Hitsugaya's Plan 666 should come out. **

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! OR ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL MAKE SURE YOU ALL PERISH IN FLAMES!! (srry, no Byakuya cracks in this one. Trying to lay off the guy, as a few people requested.)**

**So, later! (Tee hee)  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	12. Grimmjow Has 7 Kinds of WHAT?

** Skyskater's Daily Note: I started high school a few days ago. There's not really much to say about my first day, except that...there is an insanely hot sophomore that I sit next to in Biology. Tee hee.**

**And he's superbly nice, too...who the hell uses superb anymore, anyways? Besides me, that is...But anyway, so he gave me my backpack, which weighed about 20 pounds because of a stupid Algebra II textbook, and he was really nice about it...So yeah. ROMANCE!! Woot! (Don't laugh. I'm a girl, I like guys. What more do ya expect?)**

**Daily Advice: Sophomores are cute. Juniors, not so much. And seniors can be hot, but they're outta your league if you're a freshman. Like me!**

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I did not know the success or failure of my Plan 666 depended on all you retards.

Seriously. Why the hell are you even poking around in my life anyways? I know you like to read my story and all that because I'm an excellent writer (and I do not need writing classes from Muse Bunny, thank you very much!) but seriously. I don't think my life should be cast as a yes or no situation just because some mere mortals with only a 4G brain capacity or probably less decide to vote on the outcomes of daily situations. If left up to you, my life would probably SUCK, because fangirls would be throwing themselves at me all the time, and I would probably be a 25 year old amazingly hot teacher who taught...yeah, you guessed it, Sex Ed.

Now, people, please! Be creative, for god's sake! And by the way, I will let you know that Sex Ed. teachers are generally really ugly, and the only reason they teach Sex Ed. is because they're not "getting some." And just because I am an innocent 4'11'' freshman does not mean I do not know what that means. I'm not some ignorant person who doesn't have a social life. That's Uryuu's position, and I sure as heck don't want to take it away from him. Lord knows the poor guy doesn't have anything to do with the outside world anyway. And Sewing Club doesn't count.

Anyway, so it's Monday now. And I am writing about the outcomes of Plan 666, which I did not know was decided by mere mortals with a very limited brain capacity until this moment.

So. Basically, Plan 666 did not go exactly according to plan. Let me tell you about it.

I stood up on the pew, as expected, waved the bookmark in Father Kenji's face, and laughed maniacally (I've been taking lessons from Ikkaku, I guess being in the 11th squad does that to you...well, except Yumichika, who is just too much of a transvestite to laugh maniacally...). I read the verse about the 666 (which I'm pretty sure applied to Grimmjaw, heaven knows that man is carrying at least 7 types of STDs and only Byakuya knows how many illegitimate children he's sired, which is not altogether his fault, since the women should have been smart enough to use birth control or a condom in the first place), and then I calmly departed.

And whaddaya know, it actually worked. That part of the plan, at least.

But, of course, something had to go wrong, because according to you sadistic little mortals (I'm sure many of you take after Byakuya, because you probably are his illegitimate children from past relationships went wrong...hey, I guess you just have that many more 24th cousins 7 times removed to get to know, huh?) my fate was already decided from the time you read Chapter 14 to the time you reviewed.

I'm sure most of the churches in the world have steps in front of them, so that people actually have to be looking up "to heaven" while they climb the steps to the holy place. I don't think it's that holy, really, because you know what holy water really is? Basically, for you mortals' definition, it's water that blesses you. For my definition that also applies to the rest of the shinigami world, it's dirty water that's used as hand water, and god knows what peoples' hands have touched before they bathe them in the water to bless their souls. Please. If you were really to bless yourself, wouldn't you bless your whole body, not just your hands? Well, I do suppose your hands do the dirtiest work of your whole body, other than your mouth and another orifice that I shall not bother to name at this point in time...

But anyway. Holy water's pretty dirty when you think about it. Bet you guys never thought of that, didja?

But yes. So I tripped. I tripped going down the steps. And, as a result, I broke my nose. You know, velocity and that whole inertia and gravity thing. I'm not gonna bore you with a huge scientific definition that probably will not be understandable, so all I'm gonna say is that I think Byakuya got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. There was blood everywhere. And my nose really hurt. REALLY hurt.

People think being in gigais are so great, that it doesn't hurt, but believe me, it DOES. I can't tell you how much pain I was in at that moment. Now, of course, I've been in worse, because you know, Aizen cut me up pretty well in that one episode. But, nobody targets my NOSE, so I can't exactly say I've been bashed in the nose many times before.

I think you get the idea though. How can you get satisfaction from a well-done plan when you fall during your departure stage and break your nose? Tell me, how satisfied can you be when you are writhing on the ground while holding your nose? And Father Kenji came out, because when you break your nose you hear a sort of crunching noise, and that priest stood there and laughed at me! Pointed and LAUGHED! The NERVE of some mere mortals! Why, if I was allowed to release my limiters here without permission, I woulda gone all Bankai on him and showed that bitch who was boss. (If you've read Deidara Yeah's Survival Guide written by Skyskater, which you can locate at her profile, I think you'll get where that's from. Now, I don't plagiarize. But I think it's okay to do so from my agent.)

But yeah. As a result, I am now wearing one of those band-aid strips over my nose to help it heal. And let me tell you, I look stupid. I look like Byakuya on one of his "lactose-intolerant days."

He's not actually lactose intolerant. But he's fooled himself into thinking he is some days. The other days, he just can't "live" without cheese pizza. Yes, that's right, pizza. And it has to be special pizza, too. Ya know, can't be cooked in the same oven as pepperoni pizza or whatever. Very particular, that man.

But ANYWAY, moving on now. I'm actually writing this in my free period after Biology. So the teacher, Miss Chan, as we've already discussed in previous chapters, or the lady you may know as "The teacher who taught about the deers in heat"? Yeah. So we did a lab today, where we're supposed to measure the homeostasis of a goldfish. For those mere mortals who do not know what homeostasis is because they only have a 4G brain capacity, then you should know that homeostasis is a state of having a very level internal environment. Or some other crap like that.

Basically, we measured a goldfish's heartbeat (who the hell takes the time to count the number of gill flaps a goldfish has in one minute anyway? This doesn't include Uryuu.) in room temperature water, then we added ICE to the water, then we added BOILING water to the water. Okay. But I think you know what happened: The poor fish died.

It was totally not my fault! I was just following the lab instructions and everything, and the fish just decided, "Oh, okay, I'm gonna go and die now! Let's get Hitsugaya in trouble!" Now see! Even the fish are out to get me! And people ask me why I like sushi so much...

But anyway, I was forced to get an afterschool job to help pay for the cost of the fish. Come on. You can get goldfish for like, a buck at PetsMart. I don't see why I have to pay for the goddamn fish, because it wasn't my fault! Heck, I think that fish was pregnant too, anyway. It was looking kind of fat.

And just on a side note, how the heck do you tell whether a fish is female or male? I mean, there really aren't any parts to go by...

But yeah. So basically I'm stuck with delivering newspapers around Karakura Town to pay for a single goldfish, who, by the way, I did not kill with my bare hands so I do not see why I am now classified as a murderer. And before you say another word, I will have you know that that guy at the sushi place does not count. He would not give me my correct change and I finally just got so darn mad, that I accidentally killed him. Yes, it was accidental. And I really don't think you should charge me for manslaughter, because, well, I'm too innocent! (gives big Bambi eyes)

Well, come on. Byakuya woulda killed that man the first time around. I gave that guy three chances. And yet he was so stupid he couldn't manage to use the calculator on his cash register. Just goes to show ya what some mere mortals are like. Now, I don't mean the whole population of you guys, heaven forbid that there shouldn't be at least one smart person in the millions of people that live on Earth. All I'm saying is that most of you are floating in between the guy at the sushi place and Albert Einstein. Of course, overlooking the fact that he flunked school.

But yeah. I bet that fish just up and floated upside down to drown itself (yes, fish can actually drown themselves, I think) because I guess it had something against me. I don't see what I did to that fish. All I know is that one minute it was swimming around happy as can be, and the next, it up and left this world to go to a better place. And here I am, stuck with a dead body on my hands and no place to throw it except the "Porcelain Express" all the way on the other side of the campus.

But does Miss Chan let me flush it down the toilet?

Heck no! She makes me go out into the football field and just go and bury it in the middle of the goddamn football field. Now, I can understand if you'd want to bury your pet hamster in a box or something, but STILL! Burying a fish in the middle of the football field?? Now what is up with that?

I bet she's gonna dig it up later and eat it like the monster she is. Raw, too.

Then again, Byakuya would do that, too...but well, he's Byakuya. What do you expect?

Well, I'm going to go now so that I can finish my math homework. It's due next period and I can't afford another missing assignment. So, as all you girls over there in America say, TTYL.

**_September 6  
The High School of Hell  
Monday  
Hitsugaya_**

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**Did you enjoy it? I hope you did, because I sure as heck am not writing another chapter 16. This is soon to be one of the longest stories on (oh god, I could make this over a hundred chapters long, you guys know that, don't you?? And you would still read it, because I'm cool like that! D)**

**And also, I have not forgotten about the challenges, it's just been really busy for me right now. They'll be online shortly.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL FEED YOU ALIVE TO BYAKUYA!**

**Buh bye!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	13. Orihime Got Pregnant

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Well, if you have not heard my goldfish story, then you should go back and read Chapter 16. I really had to do a lab just like that for my bio class. I SWEAR that goldfish really was pregnant. It was superbly fat...like those obese people you see on TLC, just in fish form.**

**Sorry to all those fat people out there who read this. I love fat people. Really, I do. I have absolutely nothing against them. And this is Aruguelot's chapter. Dedicated to her/him/sheman. This challenge includes: sporks, crack, orange juice, fans, pens, nail clippers, grass, dancing, chocolate milk, headphones, 100 and 300 dollars, and Bill Gates. ENJOY!**

**Daily Advice: If you want to actually get a good date for the Sadie Hawkins dance, ask months in advance. **

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Well, today is Tuesday. For all those who've figured that out, congratulations! You offically have a higher IQ than George Bush!

Anyway. I'm writing this in Health. HEALTH. It's this really dumb class where you have to learn about the male and female reproductive systems, and basically, it's like a fancy word for Sex Education. I guess that Sex is now considered a vulgar word here. Of course, Ikkaku was completely abusing it a few days back and calling everything from the oldest teacher alive to his pet rock sexy.

I bet that they make this a mandatory class just to embarrass us. Just the other day, I had to write a song ABOUT STDs and sing it to the class. Of course, Grimmjow, master and real estate agent of STDs helped me with that, but STILL! Come on! Who in their right mind writes songs about STDs and sings it? Besides Grimmjow. Or the health teacher, who, may I add, is REALLY really old and kept thinking that Bill Gates was the guy who invented the spork?

Ya know, sporks were actually designed as weapons. Because, really, the club doesn't apply, and chopsticks aren't good unless they've got really sharp points on the end to poke your opponent's eyes out.

But ANYWAY, no, peeps, Bill Gate did not invent the spork. Byakuya did. Bill Gates is a millionaire who had virtually no friends in school but went on to make that beautiful computer software that almost all of us use today. And no, NOT Dell. If you don't know what it is, you're gonna have to do some research, because I is not telling you!

Right. So, that old geezer who actually is dumb enough to teach this class is up at the front of the room, teaching us about penises. HELLO? Dude! Most of the people in this room HAVE one! (Actually, no, that's not true, there's some girls in here, too, but the majority is boys. Gay ones, too, may I add. Such as Keigo and Mizuiro, who've been having a gay relationship since the second grade.)

So. Yeah. That's what this class is about. And half of the people in here are drooling themselves to drowning, Keigo and Mizuiro are probably making out in some closet (they excused themselves to go to the bathroom HALF AN HOUR ago), and the girls are either listening to music, their headphones blaring and the teacher not even noticing, or texting their friends with messages like, "HEY! Guess what I'm learning about today?"

Of course, I don't really understand why we have to learn about each gender's reproductive systems. I mean, it's not like us guys are going to be giving birth or getting a menstrual cycle any time soon! Jesus! But I guess this school, being very poor and in the "slums" of west Karakura, where all the badass boys go up to you and steal your ice cream live, can't afford to have two separate health classes. Pretty sad, isn't it? And this teacher talks in, like, a monotone. Okay? Now, for all those who don't know how bad this is, imagine the worst class you've ever taken. Multiply by ten.

So anyway, this is a seriously stupid class and I recommend that you take it online if possible. There is no other way to get a good experience out of Health class unless you take it online. It costs like, 100 bucks, but it's worth it. You're avoiding all the germy, nerdy, and STD-filled kids. And by the way, did I mention that Orihime got pregnant?

Yes, indeed, she did get pregnant. And with URYUU, too. And on the GRASS in front of the freaking school where anybody could have seen them dancing the horizontal tango! I never knew the guy had it in him. Heck, I didn't even know he was sexually active yet!

But basically, when they went to the doctor and they found out, Ryuuken got so pissed off at Uryuu he threatened to string him up and shoot him with a nail gun like Jesus Christ on the cross and use nail clippers to cut all his "luscious" locks off. Seriously. What good parent does that? Besides Ryuuken, who's just a complete psychopath. And also, Uryuu uses Garnier Fructise for his hair. COME ON! YOU'RE A GUY! HAVE SOME MANLY PRIDE!

Anyway. Ryuuken is not actually ready to be a grandfather yet, so he commanded, yes, commanded, Uryuu that he and his little girlfriend get an abortion. I'm pretty sure that Orihime's going to refuse, because she'll be thinking it's all murder and everything because she's ProLife and all that other stuff. But that's for them to work out, all I know for now is that if they do decide to get an abortion, Uryuu's paying the 300 bucks. Not her. Him.

Well, yeah, in the end, it does boil down to the fact that it was his fault, don't it?

And have I mentioned how hot it is in here? It's like, blazing 107 degrees in this freaking classroom! Because SOMEONE (cough cough Health teacher) broke the air conditioning to torture us poor students! That guy is like an iguana, I swear, he does practically nothing on hot days except occasionally refuel with cartons of chocolate milk stolen from the cafeteria and occasionally some poor freshman's lunch tray. And he doesn't even have the decency to turn on his oscillating fans, which are standing right there in the freaking front of the classroom! He's such a sadist.

To cut to the chase, Health is an extremely boring class that has no value in life whatsoever unless you're planning to get pregnant at 15. Like Orihime. But I guess people like her and Matsumoto just can't help it. Everybody wants to have sex with them, and the nerdiest guys always get it. I'm really beginning to question how Uryuu did it. I mean, did he, like, offer her a signature pen from a really hip hotel or something? Because, you know, girls really dig pens.

Or maybe he slipped something into her morning orange juice. You know, like that movie Next with Nicolas Cage? Maybe he did that and forced her to fall in love with him because he knew that he couldn't get any love any other way. It's amazing how low you mere mortals can drop to. Of course, then that makes me question my statement about how you have 4G brain capacity, because only Ichimaru Gin could think of something as twisted as that. Perhaps Uryuu is in cahoots with him?

Which, in that case, I'd have to kill him.

Okay, crap, that Health teacher is coming my way. He wants to know exactly what my hands are doing under the table. And believe me, I am not doing that thing that starts with a J and ends with an F. (Did you know, people in Skyskater's class actually do that? It's disgusting.) Actually, I am writing this story for you guys. But it's either tell him that I'm completely innocent and risk the chance of him giving me a detention anyway just because I'm a freshman, or show him the journal. I am going to take the detention!

But right now, I'm going to have to leave off. So, I will see you, whenever I next see you.

**_September 7  
High School of Hell/Health  
Tuesday  
Hitsugaya_**

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**So, did you enjoy that? I hope so. Next with Nicolas Cage is actually a really nice movie and I liked it. Although I liked I Am Legend better.**

**There, one challenge down, two more to go.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL SHOOT YOU WITH A NAIL GUN AND STICK YOU TO A CROSS LIKE JESUS CHRIST AND LEAVE BYAKUYA TO FEAST ON YOUR ENTRAILS! (hey, they're becoming more creative, huh?)**

**Later! Tee hee!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	14. Omaeda's Bra

**Skyskater's Daily Note: For those who have not heard about it yet, I have been asked by a sophomore to go to the Winter Ball with him...WAY in advance...**

**This is the same hottie sophomore I've been drooling about in the last few chapters, so, yeah. Winter Ball is a pretty formal dance, so that means he'll have to, like, wear a tux and I'll have to wear a dress or something equally stupid with frills...but I don't care! (can you tell I'm happy?)**

**Daily Advice: Sadie Hawkins is a formal dance (usually) so you might want to get your date one of those little flower things that they pin in their button holes.**

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Yo, it's Wednesday. Wake up and smell the flowers. And for god's sake, pay attention to me!

Alright, in my last chapter, everybody was paying attention to ORIHIME, just because she's pregnant. HELLO? This story has my NAME in the title for a reason, people! Not "Orihime's Guide to High School" or anything equally stupid! No! But then again, if it was Orihime's story, we'd just be talking about random cup sizes and leeks all day long, now wouldn't we?

I'm in detention. Like I told you I would be. In case you don't know why I'm in detention AGAIN, maybe you should go back to the last chapter, ignore Orihime and her unborn child, and read it again. SLOWLY. Because, of course, I'm not James Patterson, so will not get you up to speed on what's going on.

Anyway, I don't see what the big deal is with 15 year old girls getting pregnant. I mean, it happens in America too, why is it now so bad when it happens in Japan? I just don't get it. But of course, I guess you Americans are just racist towards us Japanese just because we invent all the cool games like DDR and Kingdom Hearts. Never played Kingdom Hearts or Final Fantasy? Well, let me tell you, those are like, the best freaking games in the world. Because you get to role play really twisted people with really twisted lives...like on TLC, where the fat people go out in wheelchairs (why would they go out, anyway, if they know they're going to get insulted?) and little kids go ahead and say, "Oh, look, they're so big!" and then the fat people get all depressed about their weight and then, guess what? They go into the nearest fast food joint and start chowing down on Double-Doubles and chicken fries. Like that lovely 2nd squad Lieutenant that we all know and love who was called Sheepy in a previous chapter.

But anyway, seriously. That's what Omaeda does. He goes to fast food joints and chows down on, like, all the freaking menu items because he gets depressed about this kind of stuff. I mean, if there's one good thing about it, at least he can walk. At least no one has to push him in a wheelchair into a restaurant where fat is sagging out of the sides of the wheelchair...

And just on a really random note: Do really fat guys that have man boobs have to wear bras?? Well, I mean, Omaeda wears one, but, like, do fat guys in America wear them? I mean, you never know. Opposite sides of the globe equal many different cultures.

Okay, ANYWAY, back to Omaeda. He has this mental disorder where you eat and eat and eat and after you're done, you forget that you've ever eaten anything, so then the process repeats. Again and again and again. It's actually pretty sad, and believe me, I've signed that Soul Society petition that's going around so that we can buy Omaeda those portioned lunchboxes...you know, the ones that they sell at Daiso where there's plastic dividers so that you can have a bunch of different foods in different amounts? Yeah, we're trying to buy those for him, because, simply, we can't afford them! After the whole Aizen incident (do you know how much they withdrew from the treasury just to beam themselves up?), we're pretty poor now. And that's why we can't afford good teacups anymore.

Right. So. I'm in detention right now because the teacher thought I was jacking off in the middle of Health class and not showing my respect to Chizuru when she was singing her STD-song. For all of you who think that Skyskater should make this a rated M story just because we used the words JACKING OFF, please. Save it for the ones that actually have sex and not STDs in them.

Another random note: You should review this story because it's probably one of the only STD stories on this site. You know, you don't go to a rated T story and click on it and just randomly go to chapter 16 and then be all, "WHOA! This story's got STDs! It's, like, total porn!" Um, excuse me? STDs don't always have to be passed through that S and X word that is not six. You can get them through kissing too, or just being close to a person with STDs. Pretty sad, isn't it?

And I have the stupidest lines I have to write: "I shall not jack off in Health class." A hundred times. What the heck? People don't go to detention for smoking pot and marijuana in the bathrooms, why do I have to go to detention for being accused of something that I didn't even do? I should sue this place and get it burned down to the ground and then give it to Byakuya as a night club...

I swear, I am going to contact the geeks here at Karakura High and pay them to build me a pencil gun. You know, like a machine gun, except instead of bullets, the ammo would be sharpened No. 2 pencils. Heck, I could start a trend like this. Pretty soon, everybody in school would have them and then they'd be confiscated and be deemed illegal and gang-related because we'd be shooting at people with them. Of course, people being teachers. I would never shoot at anyone else...but I might make an exception for Keigo and Mizuiro, whose relationship is just disgusting and who deserve to be broken up like Romeo and Juliet because Keigo's uncle was an evil count.

But for right now, I'm going to have to settle for a rubber band attack on the proctor here. The proctor who actually signed up for this class (it's actually a class for seniors to watch over the detention-ees) looks pretty wimpy. I mean, if I just fired a well-placed rubber band at that spot between his legs, he'd go down in an instant. Of course, I'm not saying that some guys wouldn't. It's pretty tough NOT to go down when that happens. Of course, that's how I win my fights with Ichimaru...but don't tell anybody that. I don't want people thinking I'm fighting dirty.

Of course, it would actually really help if I HAD some rubber bands...perhaps I shouldn't have given Renji those rubber bands for his birthday, and perhaps I should have kept them for myself and used them as weapons. But of course, they would be concealed in my backpack or around my wrist, and when someone asked me what the hell I was doing with rubber bands around my wrists, I'd tell them that I was just following the latest fashion trends in China...Oh, shoot, maybe not China, perhaps Italy, because China and Japan are having this whole dispute about dumpling poisoning...

Seriously. Who in the world takes the time to poison dumplings? Besides Chinese people, who just have no better things to do. (**Sky's note: Please note that I am also Chinese and in this I am dissing myself as well as all of those of you who are Chinese, so just get over it and save me some headaches.)**

Anyway, aside from dumplings, I find that Chinese people are actually very good at multiple things. Of course, this excludes the whole factory blow-up thing. But that's not the point. I guess someone just got a little too carried away with the matches there...It's quite easy to do, especially if you are fascinated by fire and just happen to be surrounded by thousands of fireworks.

Oh, crap. That proctor guy is now prowling down my aisle. I'd better go now, because if he catches me writing in this journal, he's going to confiscate it and tell the principal here that I'm involved in gang related activities. That proctor has it out for me. Just like that goldfish.

So, until we can talk again.

**_September 8  
High School of Hell/Detention  
Wednesday  
Hitsugaya_**

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_**

I hope you enjoyed that, because there is not gonna be a rewrite of this chapter.

I shall get those challenges done, I swear, so keep reading. Of course, I'll have to create new stories for that DraMione story and the Bleach fairy tale story, but I'm gonna do it!

ALSO, NO FLAMES! OR ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL THROW YOU IN BYAKUYA'S LATEST NIGHT CLUB TO BE A STRIPPER! (and believe me, you does not want to be a stripper at one of Byakuya's night clubs...I heard it's painful. And yes, I said at one of. Meaning he has MORE than one. For all those who've figured that out, congrats! You is officially smarter than George Bush and I shall present you with this official looking certificate!)

So, buh-bye for now!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan


	15. Chad's Scissor Phobia

**Skyskater's Daily Note: It is probably not such a good idea to reach for something on the far side of the desk when sitting in a swivel chair. I had a spectacular fall today in science which you shall read about down below.**

**Of course, for those who do not bother to read my memos, I am about to say something extremely random and you shall be forced to look back up at this memo even though you hate reading memos for some weird reason because I say so! ANYWAY, random fact: Some Chinese restaurants only serve animal penises. It's true.**

**Daily Advice: Landing on the ground in an awkward position in science may lead up to an almost accidental kiss. Pretty funny, too. But very embarrassing.**

Friday, now. Don't even bother trying making excuses. I know you didn't know that. Simply because you are only mere mortals with the brain capacity of an iPod who could not remember the days of the week even though there's been an underwear brand named after them and a song made about them as well. No, you could not remember them to save your life. I know, it's sad. But that's the way things are with you.

To start things off today, I would like to say something about Skyskater's memo. For all those of you who did not read it because you are complete assholes and don't bother to read her memos even though they are probably the most entertaining memos on this whole website, then you probably will not get what I am about to say and this will then force you to look up at the memo and actually use some energy to read it even though you will hate it because you don't like reading memos for whatever goddamn reason that isn't actually a reason, like Skyskater had planned all along. If you don't get this, which you probably will not the first time around, go back and read it slowly. It does make sense. But yes, it is true that there are some Chinese restaurants that only serve animal dicks. Why? I have absolutely no clue. But Asian people, I swear, yes, even me, will eat anything that moves. Of course, Skyskater's been on the more exotic side of the foods category and has actually eaten jellyfish before under the mistaken delusion that she was eating a very spicy type of pasta that just happened to be clear. No, it was jellyfish. But she liked it.

I'm writing this while I'm at the nurse's office. Now, I know you're probably wondering why I'm at the nurse's offfice and you're probably thinking that I got my nose broken twice like Dumbledore in Harry Potter. I don't actually read those books, but I just heard something about Dumbledore's nose being broken, whoever the hell that is. You know, Uryuu's all into that hip American culture, and I didn't have the heart to tell him that the last Harry Potter book came out ages ago.

No, I'm actually at the nurse's office because I fell out of a goddamned swivel chair in Biology today. Let me tell you about it. Of course, if I didn't tell you about it, then I'd lose all my fans and this story wouldn't be liked anymore.

Right. So I was reaching for a colored pencil that was about to roll off the desk so that I would not have to bend and pick it up later. Of course, as a result, my swivel chair went rolling back (those wheels are really slippery) and I was caught in the void in between. So now, I'm falling forward and backward at the same time, and I'm somewhat caught in limbo. No, I did not manage to grab the pencil, if that's what you're wondering. But anyway. Back to my story. This sophomore girl that sits next to me, she reached out and grabbed my wrist to try to stop me from falling, and once again, it was the wheels' fault. Anyway, my chair just whooshed out from under me, I fell backward, and as a result, I dragged her down with me and we landed in a somewhat...awkward position. Of course, it did not help that her knee hit me right in the crotch...causing me to almost pass out in Biology...

They really need to get better wheels on those things. They're a hazard to ourselves and to anyone around us.

Anyway. I'm balancing this journal on my knees, so please forgive me if the writing isn't that good. Of course, then again, I wouldn't care if you forgave me or not. I'm dead! But anyway, I am holding an ice bag in between my legs and I bet my thighs are frozen solid by now. But that HURT. I'll bet that's never happened to you. Well, not under those circumstances, at least. And just in case you're wondering how the heck I managed to drag her down with me, because, as we all know, I'm pretty light, well, I'm going to bet you 10 bucks that she was anorexic. She has HOLLOWS in her cheek and you can count her vertebrae and her ribs through her shirt, which is an XS at Aeropostale, the store for anorexic people. I use big words now. Aren't you proud?

Basically, they're not putting me in the nurse's office because I got kneed in the groin. No. Far from that. It's just that when I landed, my head cracked against the floor and apparently it made a really bad-sounding noise, so they're putting me in here on account of fearing that I got a concussion. And did that anorexic girl get hurt? No, of course not, because she was determined to land on a little Shiro-pillow to break her fall! Good God, I mean, if this is the way relationships are going to go, with the guy falling down to catch the girl, well then, you can just consider me asexual.

Sad things are happening to me, and I do not like it. I didn't even know you had any feelings down there while you were in a gigai, but maybe Urahara (that bastard) gave me a faulty one and that's why it hurts like hell now. Of course, the ice is just strengthening the burn and not helping at all, but I can't tell the nurse that, because I heard that last year she threatened to cut off Chad's dick with her scissors if he didn't stop rolling around on the football field writhing in pain after he miscaught the ball. Well, I guess it takes one to know one, and the nurse is definitely not a man.

And people wonder why Chad has a phobia of scissors. He'll never use scissors to cut a straight edge, no, he has someone else do that for him or he just screws straight edges all together and just rips the paper. I mean, that guy rips pretty straight edges, but still. The teachers want it to look professional, and you just can't get that look by ripping the paper.

Well, I mean, it's kind of hard to understand why he is not fond of scissors if you aren't a guy. Which Skyskater's not, which is why she's not writing this story. I mean, to put it in perspective for girls, how would you feel if someone threatened to cut your boobs off with a pair of scissors? I think you'd then have a major scissor phobia too.

Anyway, I kind of have to go now. The doctor (yes, they actually had to call in a doctor from the local hospital) is here to do all these tests on me to see if I have skull fractures and if I'll have permanent brain damage forever. I'm tempted to tell him that this isn't my real body and that it won't matter whatever happens to it anyway, because even if it gets run over by a car, I'll still be alive. But no, I can't tell him that. These people are extremely narrow minded and won't stand for nonsense. Besides, if I say "crazy" stuff like that, they'll put me in a mental ward, and I don't think you want to see me in a mental ward with all the people who flick their hair and try to lick their noses because they have Tourettes.

So, until we meet again.

**_September 10  
The High School of Hell/Nurse's Office  
Friday  
Hitsugaya_**

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**I hope you liked that. To revise the chair experience, here it goes: **

**I was doing the exact same thing Hitsugaya was doing, only I brought down hottie sophomore "Duke" with me. He landed on top of me in a very awkward position, except that his nails were digging into my boobs and it HURT. Okay? It HURT. And he doesn't even have sharp nails. But the good part is: We had an almost kiss. D**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! OR ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL CUT OFF YOUR PRIVATE PARTS WITH SCISSORS!**

**So, buh-bye!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	16. Ikkaku's Sunkist Bomb

**Skyskater's Daily Note: It is an extremely good idea to check before school that your cell phone is either on silent or turned off. Believe me, I should know.**

**Furthermore, I'm glad to hear that some of you actually do take the time to read my memos and actually do care about me. Hmm...what should I say up here? Oh, the trick to making great fried eggs, by the way, is to add some butter instead of PAM spray at the bottom of the pan to make sure the eggs don't stick. Just thought you should know. This challenge includes speakers, idiots, buttheads, cats, bee stings, bushes, thorns, stitches, bandaids, parrots, jeans that say "YOU SUCK", a shirt that says "YOU SUCK," shoes 5 sizes too small, and an atomic bomb.**

**Daily Advice: This isn't actually advice anymore. Umm...well, I'm being stalked by this girl at my school, and it's very weird, because I do know her, and it's also scary. She keeps asking me for rides home (as if she can't get home herself, dude, it's called walking or riding a bike) and whenever I talk to my own friends who aren't friends with her, she keeps butting into our conversations and it gets extremely annoying. Well, it's your turn now. Any advice for me? How do I shake her off?!**

* * *

Anyway, I'm sure you've all heard about my crotch experience. If you haven't, you must be dyslexic or something, because the last time I checked, 21 came after 20. And it's Saturday, which I seriously hope you've figured out by now.

I'm limping now, thanks to that sophomore girl. I mean, I know she was light and all that, but her knee was really bony and pointy and sharp and all sorts of hurtful. So, basically, I'm walking around with a really bad limp. Thanks to her.

It's time for a daily Skyskater update. Basically, this is the paragraph about Skyskater and how her daily life is progressing that I am writing through my view. Yes, she's being stalked, as you will have already known for the majority of a minute or two if you EVEN BOTHERED TO READ THE MEMO. If you didn't, you'd better go back up and look, because, once again, I am not James Patterson and I don't bring people up to speed. So, she's being stalked by a girl named Megan. No, her name's not actually Megan, but you know, if it were, then we'd have a whole bunch of flames against random people named Megan on this story and people named Megan would be offended. But basically, it's a different female name starting with an M. Being stalked is not as funny as people may think, and I have absolutely no idea how Megan stalks Skyskater. She just does. But I have only two words that I can use to describe Megan: A complete and total idiot and an absolute butthead who deserves to be friendless, even though she is not.

As Aruguealot can tell, this is yet another chapter dedicated to him/her/sheman, fulfilling her second challenge.

Anyway, it's Saturday. A leisure day for me. This would normally be a good day for me, except that Keigo's here. Yes, Keigo's here at Urahara's Shop and I guess he's repaying his debt because he broke a vase or something. You know, like in Ouran High School Host Club? Except it was a humongous and not very expensive vase that will be repayed in a few hours' work anyway. I wonder why Urahara even bothers.

I'm sure you all want to know what the gang is up to, because clearly I am writing this journal to you mere mortals way all over the world in teeny tiny little countries in Africa that nobody even knows of, so I shall tell you. And don't complain that you don't understand half of the shit I write, because I just use complex sentences. Heard of those? Yeah, that's what these are. And it's clearly not my fault if your 4G iPod capacity brain can't handle all of the big, one or two or three, syllable words in here.

Yoruichi is off fooling with some other cats, probably getting high on catnip. Then, as always happens when she does this, she'll enter the back way to Urahara's Shop, completely forgetting that the back entrance is completely overgrown with thorn bushes. Then, as always happens, she'll cut herself up really badly on the thorns. Then she will remember to use the front entrance, will sneak in to the bathroom, and come out with a whole bunch of leaking Band-Aids plastered all over herself. These Band-aids, mind you, don't even cover the cuts. So then Urahara will have to drive her to the hospital, and, of course, he'll be driving that Lexus like a maniac because, once again, Yoruichi will need stitches (she has like, 100 stitches already), and if she doesn't get them, she'll bleed to death on the seat of his Lexus. Then, inevitably, Urahara will get pulled over for speeding, and then he will claim that Yoruichi's going into labor and that they need to get to the hospital pronto, and then, of course, he gets a police escort to the hospital and ditches the cop once they're inside the ER. It's a daily habit for them, I guess.

Renji is keeping Keigo company at the counter. He has to repay a debt too, and guess what stupid reason that's for? It's for making Urahara's pet parrot, Daisuke, obese. Yes, seriously. I guess Renji got a little too fascinated with the bird and kept feeding it pears and stuff, and now it's fat and can barely fit in its cage. So, now, Renji has to earn money to buy Daisuke a weight-loss program. Seriously. What's the bird going to go on, Jenny Parrot or Nutriparrot? Come on. Just starve the damn bird for a few days.

Ikkaku is, of course, rebelling against the school, as he always does against rules, and he is outside in the front yard building an atomic bomb. With orange soda and toothpicks. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeah. He's not going to get very far with that. What's gonna happen, we're gonna be blown to bits by a can of Sunkist? Yeah, I don't think so. But the toothpicks are actually really cool. They're like these samurai spear toothpicks.

Yumichika is watching Ikkaku with interest, perhaps a little too much interest. I have no idea what that queer is thinking about, and perhaps I don't want to know. Currently, he's wearing jeans that say, "YOU SUCK," a T-shirt that says, "YOU SUCK," and high heels that are about five sizes too small for him. Well, Ikkaku did say they were going to a masquerade ball sometime that night. But still. It's AFTERNOON, I see no reason for Yumichika to be dressed up to go to a masquerade ball (cough cough strip club, I bet he's got a thong under those clothes) in the middle of the freaking afternoon. No reason at all. I don't believe it would take a GUY more than 15 minutes to dress for any type of outing. But then again, Yumichika's like a transvestite, who gets high out of wearing the other gender's clothing, so...well, you know. We've all got our secrets.

Rangiku is busy worrying about how many bee stings could kill a person. I can't bring myself to tell her that she won't die, anyway, because that's a gigai. I'll let her realize that on her own. She's a big girl now. She can think for herself. Or so I would hope. But anyway, the bees at the local bee farm (what are those called, the places where they keep bees? And not hives, I mean like a collection for bees...) caught a whiff of her honey-scented body soap and just went wild. Next thing you know, there are bees all over her and she's screaming like a maniac. The beekeepers get them off her quickly, probably just to get to touch those rather large parts of her, and she only gets stung like, what? Twice at the most? But still, she's up for the better part of the night, "writhing" in pain and claiming that she has an allergy to bee stings. Which I know she does not.

Orihime's busy in the bathroom puking her guts up. I think the person who named Morning Sickness morning sickness was a complete idiot. It's clearly not morning. Or maybe the baby's just a real idiot. Like some large-breasted girl that we all know...

Uryuu is in the living room of Urahara's home, watching golf. Seriously. What guy watches golf? I HATE golf! It's just so slow-moving and non-action-filled! I prefer tennis over golf, any day. But really now. Uryuu is not being a good father or a good spouse. Actually, they're not married (we don't live in Utah, you can't get married at 15 here), but still. He should at least be in the bathroom holding back her hair for her while she throws up her lunch in the Porcelain Express. But no. He's in the living room watching GOLF and chowing down on shrimp chips.

Ichigo and Rukia are getting it on. That's all I have to say. I just hope that Urahara's ready to invest in a new pair of sheets. I can feel Byakuya stomping on the heavens as we speak, and he's cursing Ichigo to kingdom come right now. Of course, if Ichigo ever happens to go back up into Soul Society, which he probably shall not do for a while ever since we discovered the Arrancar threat and he would have no reason to return to Soul Society other than to get briefing, which he never goes to anyway, then Byakuya will proceed to devour him, one limb at a time. Very painfully. Like a spider, ya know, they lay their eggs on the victim and then the baby spiders hatch and eat the victim alive...

And as for Chad...I don't know where the hell Chad is. Probably in a padded room free of scissors.

Anyway, I am going to leave you now. I have to hobble over to the bathroom, and I most certainly cannot bring this journal into the bathroom. For fear of dropping it in the Porcelain Express or for fear of Orihime mistaking it for said Porcelain Express and puking on it. In which case Skyskater would not upload any more chapters.

So, until I see you next time. And give Skyskater some advice about her stalking problem! God knows she's given you enough advice in the past chapters.

**_September 11  
Urahara's Shop/My Temporary Home  
Saturday  
Hitsugaya_**

**You better have enjoyed that. If you didn't, guess what? I don't care! :D**

**Yes, I really am being stalked, and I need your advice on this. (Have you guys noticed that I've stopped groveling at your feet for reviews? I finally got more dignity! :D)**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! OR ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL LET BYAKUYA DEVOUR YOU ALIVE, SAVING THE VITAL ORGANS FOR LAST SO THAT YOU STAY ALIVE WHILE HE'S EATING YOU!**

**So, buh-bye!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	17. Breaking Dawn: Karakura Version

**Skyskater's Daily Note: If you know sophomores, it's okay to mess around with them like you would with your friends. If, on the other hand, you don't know them, don't get involved in their conversations. **

**No challenges in this one, sorry. I am glad to see that most of you find my memos entertaining and that you actually do read them. It makes me feel loved. And I almost made someone late for school today, or whatever day they're on, so I am glad to know that you find me important too!**

**Daily Advice: I tried some of your guys' advice on how to deal with Megan, and, of course, it did not work. Life hates me. And I can't "fight" her on or off school campus because I shall get arrested. So. What shall I do now? Because I know you don't want to see me behind bars. It looks terrible for my figure.**

**Daily Advice II: Yo! Check out my new story Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner! It's horror/crime, so if that doesn't float your boat, I'm sorry, but if you have friends who like to read that kind of stuff, tell them to read it!**

* * *

I absolutely refused to go to church today, so, after clawing through half of the seats on Urahara's black Lexus, I was finally allowed to stay home. I'm sure Byakuya must be up in the heavens now, applauding me.

And, of course, what would be the point of going to church anyway? As far as I'm concerned, this gigai is already eternally damned.

Skyskater paragraph: Skyskater tried your advice. Ignoring her, telling her to go away, even resorting to the point of flat out telling her that she wasn't wanted in the circle, but no. Megan must be the most oblivious girl I have ever met. How are you supposed to feel about that? I mean, really, she's tried, believe me. Skyskater's tried to rid herself of her stalker. But short of taking a fist to her, which she'll get arrested for, how is she supposed to act? I mean, really. I know that she could beat Megan up any day of the week, including Sundays, but still. Like she said in her memo, which you should have read although most of you probably have not because you don't take time to read the bold stuff, she'll get arrested for fighting Megan. And like she also said, the bars look terrible on her figure. So, got any good advice for this? And no, I'm sorry, she cannot move to another country. She has all of 65 dollars on her person right now, so, that's kind of out of the option. And she'll "dishonor" her family if she goes to live in a cardboard box on the side of the road, begging for money.

Okay, I'm violating the rules of my contract and adding a second paragraph about Skyskater now. As you will all know if you have read her memo (see above), then she has started writing a new story called Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner. For those who are too unknown in the ways of the world (that makes sense to me so it should make sense to you), that phrase is used to describe a perfect 21 in the game of Blackjack. A description of the story: Grimmjow's a serial killer with a fascination for playing cards. Trying to make him stop, Ulquiorra leaves him, and leaves him devastated. Thinking he brought the tragedy on himself, Grimmjow sets out to fulfill Ulquiorra's dream, a dream only whispered in the darkest of nights when stormy clouds block out the moon.

And for more details, you'd better read it! It's actually quite good. I've read it. Although I never really did picture Grimmjow, real estate man of STDs, to be a serial killer. But once again, Sky makes it sound real. As she does with quite a few of her stories. NOT.

But really, you should read it. I recommend it. Also, if you don't like horror or crime, then you'd better not read. It's not intense gore, but it does paint a vivid picture.

ANYWAY, on to the story. Uryuu, being the disgraceful lover that he is, ran away to church with the rest of them, leaving me to the wrath of Orihime and her unborn child. I swear, this is taking on a _Breaking Dawn _ish turn. I really don't see how in the hell she got so big. It's only been, like, a few days!

But seriously. Orihime's getting bigger by the day. I'm seriously concerned about this. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do if Orihime suddenly starts giving birth to like, what, sextuplets? while everybody's in church?! I certainly can't go screaming to the church about how Orihime's giving birth to six little devils...oh, my, did I say devils? I completely meant six darling little angels...

And just on a side note: Why do people write about pregnant guys on here? Actually, Skyskater did, but that was only once, people! There are some seriously weird stories on here that involve ME getting pregnant with Gin's CHILD. HELLO? I'm a male, and proud to be one! I'm not even a transvestite! I can't believe some people would sink to that level of sick fantasy...

And then they write about how I'm giving birth in a hospital and Gin's by my side, holding my hand and saying that everything is gonna be okay...WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT?! I'm NOT PREGNANT, I NEVER WILL BE! Newsflash everybody: I do not have a womb, nor do I have boobs. So, therefore, I'M NOT A GIRL AND CAN'T GET PREGNANT!

Actually, there are some boys who have been pregnant because there's this disease called Fetus inside a Fetus or something like that. Basically, when the child is conceived, there are actually two eggs. Like twins. Except one of the eggs dies or something, but never goes away, and so attaches itself inside the other egg to sustain itself. So, when the child is born, it's born pregnant. And that's why boys can be pregnant sometimes.

But when they remove the baby (can't give birth, people, if the doctors don't remove the child inside the child, it'll stay there forever), it's dead already. So it's basically like having a stillborn child inside you and you don't even know it until you're like, seven, and you suddenly realize that you're fat and there's nothing you can do about it.

Of course, please, do not look at fat children and automatically assume that they are pregnant. Because over half of them are not, and it's just the rolls of fat speaking to ya.

Also, another good way to check is punch them in the gut. Lightly, of course, because if they do happen to be pregnant, then that could give the baby extensive brain damage and they could sue you for turning their child into a retard. Although I don't think Orihime would care either way. But anyway, basically, if your fist sinks in more than a few inches, then you KNOW that they're not pregnant.

Um, anyway, I kind of have to go now. I really love chatting to you about fat people, it makes me feel better about myself, but seriously. Orihime is storming toward this room right now and will rip up this journal because she will most likely mistake it for Uryuu's divorce letter.

**_September 12  
Urahara's Shop/My Temporary Home  
Sunday  
Hitsugaya_**

* * *

**Like it? Well, that's a rhetorical question. Of course you did! And if you didn't, why the hell are you reading this anyway?**

**Bad news peeps: I is sick. T.T Everybody, include me in your daily prayers before you go to bed.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! OR ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL MAKE YOU PREGNANT AND HIT YOUR KID WHILE IT'S INSIDE YOU SO THAT IT HAS EXTENSIVE BRAIN DAMAGE! AND NO, YOU CANNOT SUE US!**

**So, later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	18. Pregnant Rukia

**Skyskater's Daily Note: My voice is back! Yay me!**

**Well, this story has 200 reviews now, so I am extremely happy, and I just realized that Mission: Potter is also over a hundred...yay!**

**Daily Advice: What is a '10?' People say that this story can make a '10', but I have no idea what a '10' is. BTW, go and check out my new oneshot/drabble thingy Ten Words! Featuring Byakuya and Hisana!**

* * *

Yo peeps. How are you doing today? I hope that you are doing well. No, actually, why am I saying that? I'm dead! I don't give a shit about you!

I'm in English right now, and we're reading Twilight. Yes, that's right. I said Twilight. Now who the hell gives the book Twilight (I'm having fun with the underlines) as a literature book? Seriously. It has no real plot whatsoever, and basically, Bella's a complete slut. Like some big breasted girl whose name starts with an O...

At any rate, just to update you on everything that's been going on so far:

Rukia is now...pregnant. Hmm. Ichigo did say he was going to have sex with Rukia, or, to quote him, "Fuck her passionately against the wall of a classroom." Umm..at any rate, after drinking twice her weight in Sunny D, Rukia practically goes to a Chevron and marks 20 of those pregnancy sticks, only to have them all come back positive. Lovely. So now, there's twice as much crazy hormones in the world. Just what we need.

Anyway, Uryuu, being a total Twilight fan, is currently reading the last installment of the series, which I mentioned before in earlier chapters. It's called Breaking Dawn. Basically, Bella gets pregnant with Edward's child.

HELLO? If Edward actually lived for like, a hundred years, wouldn't he be smart enough to use a condom? And he runs like, super fast, too, (I could run faster than him, any day of the week, including Sundays) so he could have easily gotten a condom. Jesus Lord. But NOOO, he decides he wants to go and get Bella pregnant. What is up with that? That just doesn't seem right at all!

I guess you could compare a vampire and human relationship to an interracial relationship. I myself think that there should be more interracial relationships in the world, so that there could be interracial babies. Then, it seems as though the world would be a better place. Simply because if the world was made up of interracial babies, there would be no racism. Do you know how hard it is to be racist to an interracial person? It's like, "You, you're...you're such a...wait. What the HELL are you, anyway?"

Seriously. It's virtually impossible to insult a person of two races or more. It's just too hard trying to figure out what they are, and that in turn takes away the brain power needed to actually make a racist comment about someone. God knows that you mortals with a 4G brain capacity can't even walk and chew gum at the same time, so there would be no way you'd be able to make a racist comment about someone who's interracial. And don't say that you can walk and chew gum at the same time. I will make you catch it on video and post it on the Internet. The nervousness from that alone would probably make you swallow your gum and then you'd choke to death on the sidewalk and I would not help you. Because you lied to me.

Anyway, Rukia's on rage pills. Basically, this means that every hour or so, she has to take these prescribed pills. I guess you could compare them to those Nicotine gums that people chew to stop themselves smoking and which never actually work. But instead of helping her stop smoking (I think Rukia's gonna get high at some point during our high school career, because that's just the type of person Rukia is. God knows she couldn't tell a joint from a lollipop...the girl couldn't even put a straw in her juicebox!) these pills help her control her hormones. Because if she doesn't take them, she rages and practically blows out a whole wall of the school with her Kido. Grimmjow made a wise decision the other day when he decided not to loan her Cero powers. Seriously, this school would be off the map if he had decided to loan them to her.

Renji is going to be the godfather of Rukia's child. Oh dear lord. I can imagine Renji as anything BUT a godfather. Only the Lord knows that Renji'll probably teach the kid to grow up like a cannibal, you know, spearing fish in the river (assuming there are fish in the river) with a primitive thing...that looks almost exactly like a toothpick. And then they'll go around town wearing only LOINCLOTHS, and try to sell their fine catch (what, a stick?) to the butcher for money. Good God.

Well, I suppose it is better than Uryuu being the godfather of Rukia's unborn child. Heck, that guy can't even handle being a father. Well, not that he is, right now, but still. Orihime is HUGE! Like, GINORMOUS! As in she can't even fit in her desk anymore because she's so big! So, in a way, this is kind of like Breaking Dawn now, because Orihime's huge, and she's not supposed to be, and Uryuu's probably a vampire in disguise and is going to play the Japanese version of Edward Cullen after they get the script all subbed and everything and he decided to PRACTICE! IDIOT! You can't PRACTICE getting someone pregnant without getting them pregnant!

Well, if you could, then I guess the whole population of America would decrease by one half. At the very least. But, once again, I stick to my belief that the department stores will never run out of condoms or birth control pills so you have no excuse for getting an abortion for a child you decided to make. Jesus Lord, and people wonder why Grimmjow has seven kinds of STDs and why women (and occasionally guys) sleep with him. Heck, he doesn't even have to drug them! They just take one look at him, just somehow know he's sexy underneath those VERY revealing clothes, and then go and decide to have a fling with him. As a result, 7 kinds of STDs are transferred into their body. Pretty soon everyone on this whole goddamn planet will have at least seven kinds of STDs, and Grimmjow's gonna claim responsibility for all of them.

So, at any rate, hormones are running high in the class of 2012. And yes, we actually are the class of 2012, assuming I manage to live my way through high school. Well, not live, because I'm already dead, but I can't DIE my way through high school. You know? But yeah. Rukia's pregnant, Orihime's pregnant, Uryuu's...in denial about him getting Orihime pregnant, Ichigo's practically bragging about how he "kissed" a girl (that song is so 11 minutes ago), Renji's acting primitive again, Ikkaku's debating cutting Renji's luscious locks off to tip off his weapon, Yumichika's investing in a THONG business, Matsumoto is trying to button up her shirt, Chad is in a dark corner crying about scissors, Keigo and Mizuiro are arguing about whether to call Child Services or not (NOT gonna ask), and Byakuya just sent me a Hell Butterfly to let me know that he's coming down and will shortly beat the crap out of Ichigo.

So! Life is great! How are y'all doing?

**_September 17  
English/The High School of Hell  
Wednesday  
Hitsugaya_**

**If you didn't like that, that's too bad, now isn't it? Life is getting crazier as we speak in Karakura Town, and this chapter was for the reviewer who wanted me to put a pregnant Rukia in this story! There ya go! I can't remember your name right now because I'm currently swamped with challenges, but here ya go! Pregnant Rukia and Byakuya soon to be entering this story. In the flesh!**

**Also, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL GET BYAKUYA TO GO TO YOUR HOUSE AFTER SCHOOL AND BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOU!**

**So, later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**

**P.S. I may not be posting for a while because our computer has a virus...T.T**


	19. Star Wars and Kingdom Hearts

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Hmm...what should I put for a daily note? Oh! I know! I am craving a Mint Chip Frappuccino right now...do you think I could be pregnant? O.O**

**Basically, Rukia got pregnant. Yes, that's right, because Ichigo went ahead and "fucked her passionately against the wall of a classroom." So. Now, Byakuya is going to come down from Seireitei and all hell will break loose...oh geez. I'm beginning to wonder if this story will ever have an end. xD**

**Daily Advice: If you want to get hugs from cute guys/girls, then actually try and talk to them. Hiding behind your friends while blushing madly is not going to help you or him/her. On the contrary, it'll make him/her think that you're scared of him/her. So, that's not a good idea. **

Well, today has not been an extremely productive day for me. So, after singing the Waffles song for hours on end, Orihime finally decided, 'You know what? I'd like to give birth. RIGHT NOW. In the middle of third period."

If you don't know the Waffles song, it goes something like this:

"Do you like waffles? Yeah we like waffles."  
"Do you like pancakes? Yeah we like pancakes."  
"Do you like French toast? Yeah we like French toast."  
"Do do do do do do do do do do..."

And then it loops over and over again. I can't believe people actually find that song popular. I guess it ranks right up there with the Numa Numa Dance and Pork and Beans.

At any rate, Orihime was rushed to the hospital in quite massive pain, and Uryuu was screaming something about why they shouldn't harm her because her placenta could become detached and then he'd be the father of a stillborn, and if that ever happened, he'd be exiled from his own family by his own father who threatened to cut off his luscious locks with nail clippers...

Well, I mean, Uryuu's still here. Being the idiot father that he is, he decided that he was not going to be there when his illegitimate child was born. Well, if anything, I would think that's a good decision on his part. I sure wouldn't want the poor guy to die from a stroke or a heart attack when he realizes that Orihime's delivering sextuplets. Or deciplets. Is that even a word? Well, even if it isn't, it doesn't matter to me. I'm dead. I don't care about stupid grammar.

Can we say premature babies, anyone?

Right. Well, Rukia is actually doing much better than Orihime at this point. Then again, if Rukia were superhuge, having gotten pregnant only a few days ago, then I would seriously be concerned for her health, as well as for Ichigo's life. Byakuya has announced that he is going to be here today, having been delayed by some stupid game of Dance Dance Revolution two days earlier, when he would have come down to beat the crap out of Ichigo. Ichigo does not know that Byakuya is coming here to beat him up, and perhaps that's a good thing. I mean, nobody exactly wants to know when they're gonna die, so nobody wants to know that they're gonna be beat up in a few minutes, right? Anybody agree with me?

Well, even if you don't, I don't care. I'm dead anyway!

This is a free period for me right now, so basically, I'm just writing in this journal until Byakuya comes down here to beat the crap outta Ichigo, because that's just what I do. And for all those of you who are probably wondering why I am still so pure and innocent, then it is because I have decided to take a vow of purity: The girl that I find that fits my personality, is shorter than me, and is not an all-out bitch during PMS, then I shall marry her! Yes, most definitely! And it's not like I openly declare my purity by wearing purity rings like the Jonas Brothers do (I find that embarrassing and all together not morally correct), I just know it inside of myself that I am pure as driven snow.

At any rate, I can feel the Earth shaking even as we speak. That probably means that

A) We're having a massive earthquake because of Orihime going into delivery with her deciplets

B) Another member of the female population is raging about how Grimmjow got her pregnant and delivered with the conception 7 types of STDs

or C) The White Satan is finally coming down from his throne to deliver punishment to us mere mortals...well, except me. I'm dead. So I'm not mortal. I mean, the gigai is, but who cares about that? I know I certainly don't.

I wouldn't know if any of you have played Kingdom Hearts II, which is a pretty good game by my standards, but if you have, imagine that giant silver thingy that saved Riku and Sora from their predicament on that...platform thingy...I know, not a very good description, but heck, if you're a person who likes descriptions and all that like John Steinbeck or whatever, then you shouldn't be reading this story! I'm not one for description, in case you hadn't noticed!

At any rate, it's like Star Wars, basically. Play the Star Wars theme song, and imagine a black chariot driven by undead horses descending from the thunderclouds that have suspiciously and quickly built up over the span of a few seconds, and you get Byakuya's arrival into the human world. I mean, no, not everybody can see the chariot and the undead horses, but everyone sure as heck can see the thunderclouds and all. I've been trying to get him to stop that, so that he has a more inconspicuous arrival, but the guy just doesn't get a hint. I mean, really. You'd wonder if he was dropped on his head as a baby.

So, here's Byakuya. Umm...there is not much to say right now, except that Ichigo has noticed and now is getting very panicky, while Rukia is still downing rage pills by the bottle. At the rate she's going, she's gonna die of drug overdose before Byakuya even gets into the building. And then, get this: Even though he's on a freaking chariot with undead horses, he's not gonna come swinging in through the window. Hell no. He has to get out of the carriage, park his horses, fill the parking meter with squished bottle caps, and then he will enter the building and climb up all 5 flights of stairs instead of using the elevator. I think he thinks that this approach to life makes him look human. Of course, not that he does. You can't exactly expect someone with a set of REAL fangs to look human.

Anyway, I'd better run now. I can practically FEEL the fumes of anger coming off of Byakuya, which are probably gonna burn another hole through the ozone layer, which, in turn, would effect global warming and the greenhouse effect drastically, the temperature of the Earth would rise, and before you know it, we're all little human pancakes on the surface of this once-green planet. So, friends, if you do not hear from me soon, then I am very sorry. It is because my gigai has been fried into a little cake on the surface of Japan because of the effects just mentioned above.

So, until we meet again.

**_September 19  
Free Period/The High School of Hell  
Friday  
Hitsugaya_**

**Pregnant Rukia and Byakuya now both in story. Well, not Byakuya, not yet, of course, but in the next chapter, there will be a Byakuya sighting! AOOOGA! **

**Sorry. had to do that.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL GET BYAKUYA TO BURN A HOLE THROUGH THE OZONE LAYER RIGHT ABOVE YOUR HOUSE, AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT YOU WILL BE ANOTHER VICTIM TO GLOBAL WARMING BY BEING A LITTLE CAKE NOW SMUSHED ON THE SURFACE OF THIS ONCE GREEN PLANET!**

**Buh-bye!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	20. Paris Hilton: NO TALENT

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Daily Notes are not really daily notes because they're not on a day to day basis. I just figure you guys should all know that...**

**Byakuya Sighting in this chapter! AOOOOGA! Seriously. What the heck is that from anyway? At any rate, it's better than THAR SHE BLOWS! Or THAR HE BLOWS! Why do people assume whales are always female? Unless all whales are lesbian in which case it would be safe to assume?**

**Daily Advice: Never assume. It makes an ASS out of U and ME.**

* * *

Right. As of right now, I cannot exactly say that any productivity is going on in Karakura. Wait. Let me rephrase that. I KNOW for a fact that no productivity has ever happened in Karakura since this town was founded! Last year, and the year before that, and all the years before that, this town received 'The Laziest Town Ever to Bestow the Face of Asia with its Curse' award. Yeah. They had to make an award for this town so that it wouldn't feel left out! Jeez!

Anyway, Byakuya is in jail. Yes, in jail. As he landed and proceeded to fill the parking meter with squished bottle caps, a policeman (Keigo's dad, probably, since it appears that only Keigo's family for some reason can see shinigami) came up behind him and clocked him on the head, at which point he promptly passed out on the sidewalk. Now, of course, that was an extremely cheap move on the policeman's part, but what am I to say? Nobody's ever employed that tactic on Byakuya before. At any rate, I guess it's illegal to fill parking meters with anything other than coins, so basically Byakuya's been breaking laws his whole life and he hasn't known it. A real criminal we got for a captain...Well, I mean, and this is of course excluding the time where Gin went into a house, stole 900 bucks, woke one of the occupants up with a spice rub and whacked the other one with an 8 inch sausage...

And we're all ignoring the fact that Kenpachi is using steroids whenever he competes in those special Olympics. Because he's Kenpachi, for God's sake.

Basically, this means that Ichigo just got out of a serious ass-kicking. That carrot top is now in the corner, praying to his shrine of plastic Buddhas which he nicked from those Vietnamese Saigon cafes and lighting straw incense piles. Yeah. Somehow I just don't see Ichigo as a Buddhist, because if he was really a devout Buddhist, wouldn't he have shaved his head by now? Seriously.

Rukia is still downing those bottles of rage pills. I just don't see how those are healthy for her, nor how they are beneficial for her or for the baby. It's all very confusing, but you know, pregnant women do what pregnant women do! There hasn't been a call to the school yet about Orihime delivering her deciplets, so I guess Uryuu is off the hook for right now. But not for long. The Earth is still shaking as we speak, and hell if I know if another hole has been fried into the ozone layer yet from all this global warming that Orihime is causing. Well, I mean, I suppose we should blame Uryuu for this too, because it is his fault. Or would you say that you would blame the Trojan manufacturing company? If their condoms are faulty, that's a problem. A problem that should be dealt with at once, so that less underage girls will get pregnant. I mean, not that they should be having sex anyway, but still. Hormones are pretty hard to resist, especially when there are a lot of cute guys around you. Such as myself.

I mean, not like I'd have sex with anybody that was taller than me or older than me. I just don't see what other guys see about older women, like Ichigo and Rukia. I mean, wouldn't that make him a necrophiliac or something? Because Rukia's already dead, and is, by the way, like, a hundred and thirty two? Yeah. I don't exactly see what guys see in older women. In America, guys are all, "Oh yeah, let's go and get married to older women! That's just sexy!" HUH? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

And besides, even if I were sexually active, which I appear to be in all those rated M Hitsugaya x Gin fanfiction, I still would not have sex with Yachiru. No matter what anybody says. I just can't envision myself with Yachiru, even though all of you fangirls in America seem to imagine that. I think that's extremely sick and very very wrong. Wait. Let me ask you a question that is, in fact, relevant for once to the context of this story: Do you guys get off by writing rated M stories about me and people I would never end up with in the first place or something? Because I highly doubt you guys are THAT sexually deprived. I'm sure there's got to be at least one or two hot guys in your math class or whatever.

So. Byakuya's in jail, and I somehow do not see anybody going there to bail him out with squished bottle caps or those coin rolls with pennies or whatever. I mean, it's not like he's the most favored person on this planet. That's Bill Gates, you know, the guy who invented Microsoft and who I specifically talked about in a previous chapter which I shall not bother to go and update you on? Yeah. I would HOPE that the most famous person in America would not be Paris Hilton, because she has no talent whatsoever and just happens to be freaking famous for some reason which I cannot fathom...If you're going to look to someone famous for a role model, look to Johnny Depp. Now there's a guy that's got some talent. Although he was freaky in Charlie the Chocolate Factory...

Personally, I think that if you're gonna go and have wild passionate sex against a wall, you should consider the following:

1. Wear three condoms. You know, just in case one of them breaks.

2. Use a birth control pill AND a shot. Double whammy.

3. And if you still get pregnant, then you are going to keep that baby, because so help me, you ENJOYED yourself while you were making it. It's not like you were raped or something and you were in pain. No! Since you enjoyed yourself while you were having wild passionate sex, the baby deserves to be born. Yes. I'm Pro-Choice in some occasions, but Pro-Life in others.

So, boys and girls, thank you for letting me waste your time! Please, next time you want to fuck someone wildly against the wall of a classroom, read the chapter above and remember the factors that I have stated. Please do. Now, I'm not saying that more underage babies need to be born, because they do not actually need to be born. In my opinion, there are too many goddamn people on the planet. But still. Abortions are bad and a huge no no!

Byakuya eats all the babies you abort. Think about that.

**_Friday  
The High School of Hell  
September 26  
Hitsugaya_**

**So, peeps, you better have enjoyed that! Sorry I haven't updated in so long...WAIT! Why the fuck am I apologizing?**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME ME, SHIRO-CHAN AND I WILL MAKE SURE THAT YOUR SOUL GETS EATEN BY BYAKUYA ALONG WITH YOUR ABORTED BABIES!**

**So, later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	21. No Arrest Because of Homecoming

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Sorry I haven't updated in so long. My computer finally got rid of the virus. =D**

**Hmm...Megan has stopped stalking me, but now I feel like a huge third wheel idiot because one of my best friends is infatuated with this sophomore and now she apparently can't find time for me or for anyone else. It's pretty sad.**

**Daily Advice: Never jaywalk in small towns. They do give you tickets.**

* * *

Well, this story is officially up to 10 reviews per chapter, and that makes me extremely happy. Why? I don't actually know. However, I do find it insanely funny that all you mere mortals with a 4G brain capacity and overly busy schedules can find it in your average day to read my story. Of course, this is assuming that you are all A students, or people with a taxing job, because, well, not to be mean or anything, but you probably aren't.

Let me ask you something, and please answer honestly: Do you have an F in any of your classes? Maybe an F-????

And never assume that F minuses are not possible, because they most certainly are.

Skyskater update: She has no school tomorrow because it's a Teacher Work Day or something, or Halloween, and she is going to be out of commission this weekend because she is going to spend the weekend with her dad, who lives in Los Angeles. Yes, her parents are divorced. Bravo, to all of you who figured that out! So anyway, she's going to Great America for Halloween, then to San Francisco to gain 500 pounds on ice cream...

Oh, by the way, did you hear? The fattest man in the world, who weighed in at half a ton back in 2007 and made the Guinness book of World Records, just recently got married to a 554 pound woman. Wow. I guess, you know, supposedly it runs in the family or something. They gonna need to sleep on a steel bed or on the freaking floor! A normal bed would just collapse under all that weight. Seriously, even baby elephants don't weigh that much!

And I don't think being the world's fattest man is something to be proud of.

So, at any rate, the Earth has stopped shaking, which is a really good thing, because for a while back there, I thought that there was gonna be a huge tsunami and just wipe out all of Japan. I mean, if you think about it, we're gonna be the first ones to go. Hell, if there was a monsoon or something that developed in BETWEEN China and Japan heading toward China, well then, then I shall retract that previous statement up ahead. Seriously. A monsoon of great enormousity (is that a word? Who cares.) such as the one that could have been caused by Orihime's delivery would have scattered the archipelago of Japanese islands all over the world, until who knows? Maybe our main island would be blown all the way to Hawaii and become part of the Hawaiian islands.

Rukia has run out of rage pills and is trying to find something that will divert her unnecessary energy, so as of right now, she is currently poking holes in the top of water bottle caps with a mechanical pencil and claiming that she is making telescopes for when the aliens come. Um...I really do wonder what those rage pills had in them? Delusional medicine? Probably. I mean, not like she wasn't delusional to begin with....

Personally, I do not believe that anybody will bail Byakuya out of jail. If it's going to be anybody, it's probably gonna be lame-ass Renji. The total suck up Vice Captain. Yes, the exact same Renji that had to do community service for feeding Urahara's parrot too many pears and eventually killing it. If that is incorrect, then so help me, I am not going to change it. It has already been written and now it is law.

Uryuu seems to be in shock. I really do wonder how his father is going to deal with this. I mean, ten little Uryuus going around and shooting bows at each other to see which one is strongest? Yeah, that doesn't exactly paint a pretty picture with me. God knows, they'll probably eliminate their mother and father and all the senior citizens here with their bad aim. I mean, honestly. Have you ever seen a man who couldn't shoot an arrow from a bow straight? Because I haven't. And please don't lie to me. Uryuu's shots are all curvy. Just like his sexuality is. OOOHHHHH, HE GOT DISSED!

Well, now, the police have just come into the room, looking for, guess who? Yes, that's right, Uryuu. I mean, who else would they be looking for? Certainly not Byakuya, unless he's somehow broken out of jail using nothing but a plastic spork. Which, I must say, would take immense talent and patience. I guess they're going to give him a police escort to the hospital or something. Or...or, they're going to arrest him for having underage sex and probably threatening to kill Orihime's nonexistent hamster.

I'll take the second option, because if they were giving him a police escort to the hospital, why in the heck would they be putting handcuffs on him?!

Now, of course, I think you guys all know where this is going. Uryuu is going to blame Orihime, saying she seduced him or whatever lie he wants to come up with, and being a sexually active male, he just could not resist. You know, some crap like that. And because Uryuu's family has a lot of money, they'll probably hire a kickass lawyer who says nothing but lies so that Orihime goes to jail and so their ten kids get sent to ten different orphanages, so that they never know the truth about who their parents were or why they were sent there. And then their ten kids are probably gonna meet up because they have some telekinetical powers or whatever shit you want to call it and they can connect with each other halfway across the globe. And then, of course, the End of the World happens. You know, like when California breaks off from the United States and Alaska separates in half? It's a pretty good video on Youtube actually....

Well, then. It's pretty interesting, to see what's going on right now in high school. Oh damn, COME ON! The police aren't actually gonna arrest him, because you know why? It's Homecoming Week. That's right. They're not gonna arrest him because it's Homecoming Week. What kind of insane logic is THAT? Oh yeah, because it is really that important to buy a tuxedo and tie and flowers for the girl who he's going with, which is not, by the way, Orihime. Orihime's probably not gonna go to Homecoming, because of, well, you know, her deciplets, which she's probably gonna name One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, and Ten, just because she doesn't know more than ten names. Or if not, she's gonna call them all: "Dumbass One, Dumbass Two, Dumbass Three..." and so forth. And then name the last kid Zohan. Why? Because Zohan is apparently Orihime's favorite movie.

Well, I shall write back right before Homecoming starts, so that I can fill you in on the excitement. If Orihime's deciplets experience the same rapid growth that they have shown in the past, hell, they'll probably be going to Homecoming with their own dates too!

We shall see. We shall see. So America, better watch out! Zohan is going to New York!

**_Thursday  
The High School of Hell  
October 30  
Hitsugaya_**

**Sorry I haven't updated in so long. That's a very sincere apology. Also, please do not note the dates at the bottom, because they jump around a lot. Don't worry about them.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME ME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL HAVE BYAKUYA DIG OUT YOUR INTESTINES WITH A PLASTIC SPORK! **

**Buh-bye!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	22. The Rainbow Pages

**Skyskater's Daily Note: I got a guitar! Yay! Not that I know how to play it xD. **

**I'm currently infatuated with Secondhand Serenade, so much so I wrote a story about it. Check it out. It's an UlquiGrimm oneshot. **

**Daily Advice: The cabbage lights at Ikea don't come preassembled.**

* * *

Well, it's the hour before Homecoming. I told you I'd write right before Homecoming, so I did, and here it is.

Skyskater paragraph: She didn't go to her Homecoming. LOL.

Anyway, I'm probably not gonna go to Homecoming. Why, you ask? Well, frankly, I do not see the need to go to a dance where everybody will be pushed up against the walls making out. God. You could probably get an STD from the walls alone. Homecoming sounds really stupid to me, because it's all about that damn social hierarchy again. Seriously. King and Queen. Prince and Princess. And the rest of you who just weren't hot or slutty enough to cut it, too bad!

I must now make a note about Orihime's hamster that never did exist. Many of my reviewers have taken a guess as to what happened to the hamster that never existed. (Yes, I am dead serious. People are all worried about a hamster and not about what's gonna happen when the new Prime Minister or whatever you call your leader of the country. Don't say there isn't one or I'll be seriously worried and will need to know where you live so I can file you for life insurance.) So far, I've had guesses like, 'Oh, when she was pregnant, she mistook it for a fruit and ate it.' or 'Wait...I thought her hamster didn't exist?' or the classic one, "She was so dumb that when Uryuu threatened to kill her hamster she believed she had one and went along with it."

Well, let me tell you, those guesses are all wrong, wrong, and, oh, let's see, WRONG. First of all, the hamster did not exist in the first place. Second, Orihime (nor anyone else on this planet unless they have a hamster fetish or something or mistook hamster meat for pork) would eat a hamster. That thing could have rabies and you wouldn't even know it until you started foaming at the mouth in the middle of a divorce trial. (Or whatever awkward situation you want to put yourself in. This site's headline is Unleash Your Imagination for a reason, ya know!) Third, because I must drive this point home to you: The hamster did not EXIST. At all. Therefore, nothing could have happened to her nonexistent hamster anyway.

So, instead of going to Homecoming, I am going to talk about some general things...well, actually, my story is all pretty general when you think about it.

So anyway, here we go.

My first topic will be the Yellow Pages. First of all, that's extremely racist. Why can't they call it the Rainbow Pages or something? Oh wait, no, then that would be discriminating against straight people, I forgot. Well, if there's a Yellow Pages, there needs to be a White Pages and a Black Pages and a Red Pages and a Blue Pages and whatever the hell your skin color is pages! Interracial pages, where the pages are all a different color! Isn't it funny when you say a word, like pages, that you forget what that word, pages, means?

My second topic is Homeless People. Alright. If you're in the big city and you give money to a homeless person, please don't give them, like, a quarter you found off the street if you're wearing designer shoes or jeans or something like that. You gotta give them at least a dollar if you're wearing name brand jeans. And I'm not talking about Levi's or anything. I'm talking the really expensive, 300 buck ones that you can only buy in...I don't know, China! Furthermore, if you're going to give money to a homeless person, be prepared to watch that homeless person beat up right before your eyes. Homeless people are vicious, I must say. They're like rabid penguins, except they don't have rabies and they're not penguins. Or maybe they are rabid...you never know, you never know.

Baboon repellent does not actually work. So never buy a can of Baboon Repellent because baboons will be attracted to you, not repelled. Please, I don't think you want to know how I know this. Let's just say it involved a very painful experience in the Amazon Jungle with baboons in heat....

I seriously do not want to go to Homecoming. Even if someone drags me out the door, I shall find a way to scratch and claw and hiss and bite my way out of that throng of seething teenagers whose only goal in life is to get married and have great sex and then get old and watch as their boobs/dick sag to the ground. Yeah. That's not my goal in life, so...see ya!

One of my reviewers said that Homecoming sucked, and I personally am going to believe her/him/sheman/manshe. Honestly. What is the point? Hell, you could probably get meningitis or something from someone there. I'll bet at least one of the kids there has been infected by Grimmjow's ever potent seven STDs. Actually, I think it might be eight now....He's going for the world record right there. And once again, not something to be proud of, but an accomplishment nevertheless.

And then, get this? In addition to the boys having to buy the tickets for the girls, they also have to treat them to dinner! What is up with that?! And you can't even go to a sloppy restaurant, like a McDonald's or anything, noooo, you gotta go to a fancy restaurant that costs like seven cajillion dollars just to use the restroom and who only serve miniscule servings for mice!

I don't even have seven dollars on my person at the moment!

Hmm...maybe I just will break Byakuya out of jail myself. It would be a nice change to see that Ichigo get what he has coming to him. Damn bastard....

**_Sunday  
Urahara's Shop/My Temporary Home  
November 2  
Hitsugaya_**

**Don't you dare flame me. I will get you back. In a very violent internet way.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES ONCE AGAIN! IF YOU FLAME ME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL SET THE JAILBROKEN BYAKUYA ON YOUR HOUSE AND IT WILL NOT BE PRETTY! YOU WILL BE LIVING IN A SOGGY CARDBOARD BOX ONCE HE IS DONE!**

**Bye!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	23. The Scent of Male Testosterone

**Skyskater's Daily Note: What is a Beta Reader? I mean, I'm one, but I still have no clue what I'm supposed to do, exactly....**

**Sadie Hawkins is right around the corner for me, but so are finals! Grr! I'm on a trimester system, see.**

**I must applaud my reviewer satscout, for being possibly the oldest person who finds time in their daily life to read this fantabulous story. I shall not disclose his/her/sheman's age, because that's a confidential matter. But you can ask him/her/sheman. Satscout.**

* * *

Twas the day after Homecoming  
All the children were sad  
Because they'd been punished  
Because they were bad

Last night they got wasted  
With drugs and with beer  
And somebody then realized  
That they were a queer!

There's been a jailbreak  
And I helped that out  
So now Ichigo (hopefully)  
Will now scream and shout!

Haha! I made a rhyme! I should be a poet and have my last name stamped on those little street signs! And then have it put up in the most American part of America, to show that America is indeed a melting pot! MUAHAHAHAH! There is my plan for world domination, cut and dried. Appreciate it while you can, because very soon you shall be my peoples. Or at least part of the great vast empire of my peoples.

Anyway, yes, all parts of that rhyme are very, very true. If you don't know why that rhyme sounds familiar or if you've never heard a rhyme like that before, I must ask you if you have holiday spirit, or if you are Jewish. Or Muslim. Or any other religion that doesn't celebrate Christmas. Yes, that rhyme is an offshoot of "Twas the Night Before Christmas". I can't actually remember that rhyme, and I will not bother to do so at the moment.

Before I go on any further, I shall commence on my daily Skyskater paragraph: Her profile has not been getting as many hits as she wants it to, but we do have quite a few nationalities visiting us, including, but not limited to: Israel, Brazil, the Philippines, Peru, Canada, Sweden, Malaysia, Chile, Austria, Australia, the United Kingdoms, and, of course, the Great old United States. Furthermore, Skyskater has been reading a lot of sappy books lately, you know, like Nicholas Sparks books. If you don't know who Nicholas Sparks is, he's that guy who wrote The Notebook and who writes a lot of depressed other books about true love and then one of the people dying a tragic death. Like in Message in a Bottle where the girl broke up with the guy (after having sex mind you) and then he threw himself off a boat and drowned. Pretty sad.

Right. So, it's the day after Homecoming. As you can tell from my rhyme if you bothered to read it. Hey, if you didn't, you are missing out on some serious shit here. I'm like, about to become the next Japanese Robert Frost and nobody would care! Well, I mean, I would, of course.

Anyway, Ichigo, Rukia, Matsumoto (who I am sorry to have neglected her for so long in this story), Renji, Yumichika, Ikkaku, and all the other people who I don't want to name right now have been grounded. (Can you ground a shinigami? I don't think so. You watch. Renji's probably gonna sneak out in the middle of the night and get caught for smoking catnip behind an innocent old lady's house. Because, you know, Renji gets high off catnip and nothing else. Sometimes I wonder about that man...perhaps he was dropped on his head as a baby. Hold on, wait, he WAS dropped on his head as a baby. That should be a known fact.) They were grounded because they got caught doing drugs and alcohol at Homecoming, even though all the officials and chaperones were all getting wasted on their Budlights and weed. This makes me wonder how Rukia's baby's going to turn out. I mean, hell, it could have Downs syndrome right now and she wouldn't even know it! Oh well. If her baby dies or something, Orihime can always spare one of her deciplets to give to Rukia.

Uryuu has recently made a groundbreaking discovery: He just realized he was gay. Yep. Or bisexual. Whatever he wants to call himself. Hell, he's gonna go get laid with a guy, then with a dog or something, and then he'll be trisexual! I know there's a word for having sex with animals, but I can't be bothered to think of what that's called at this point. Besides, I'm not some sick freak who would know that off the top of his head. I don't know about you, though. Who knows what kind of trash you keep in your mind? Oh wait, I forgot, you only have a 4G brain capacity. The inside of your head is probably fluff with a little tumbleweed blowing past every now and then.

Yes, I broke Byakuya out of jail. Not singlehandedly, of course. His cellmates were so desperate to get him out of there that they were all, "DIG! DIG! DIG!" with those little plastic sporks that you get in the cafeteria. I mean, sure, Byakuya could have punched his way out of there, but I mean, when you're just surrounded by all that male testosterone and whatnot, he was bound to get hungry and sooner or later, there went a cellmate. And another one. And another one. Blood addles his brain. It's like nicotine, he just can't stop. Except nicotine is actually bad for you and I'm not sure how blood can harm you unless it's a small ulcer in your...small intestine?

So now, Byakuya is going to get ready to beat up Ichigo. Yep. He's going to do it tomorrow, because he's apparently just too noble to take the guy out when he's drunk and wasted and nursing a major hangover.

So, there's gonna be a fight. Three o'clock. Behind the girl's lockers. (Why? I don't know.) Be there.

**_Thursday  
November 6  
Urahara's Shop/My Temporary Home  
Hitsugaya_**

**Yaay! Another chapter! WOOT WOOT!**

**Thanks to all you guys for reviewing! And especial applause given to Satscout, who I believe is my oldest reviewer!**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL STALK YOU AND BURN YOUR 4G BRAIN OUT WITH HIGHLY INTELLECTUAL CONVERSATIONS! MUAHAHAHA!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	24. Renji's Gruntspeak

**Skyskater's Daily Note: There will not be a fight in this chapter. This is not a spoiler.**

**Here, Assault Godzilla, this chapter should take care of your two challenges, I believe, so I shall erase them both off my profile after this chapter is done.**

**Daily Advice: If you feel a pain somewhere inside your body, please go and check it out.**

* * *

So it's three o'clock now, and I can tell the whole school is just tense, crowded around the girl's locker rooms. Yes, it is true, sadly, but every guy and lesbian voted on this spot so that they could check out the hot girls changing for water polo or swimming or tennis or something like that. A sport that actually requires you to change clothes from the boring uniform that we wear here.

Ichigo and Byakuya are facing each other now, and Ichigo is still just that tiny bit wasted. However, there is something in the air that leads me to suspect that the fight shall not go as intended and Ichigo will never get what is coming to him. Orihime is back from the hospital (already, I know! You'd think that she'd be there for a month after delivering deciplets), Uryuu is, well, Uryuu, and the rest of the crowd is just looking scared as shit. Partly because when Byakuya beats up someone, the flying intestines and whatnot are really gross and disgusting. It's like a live version of Saw 5. I'm actually pretty impressed that those directors got to Five. You would think that they'd be less popular, like the Harry Potter movies. I guess not though.

Well, the Earth is trembling. I have no idea why. I mean, if the Earth is trembling and Orihime's not giving birth to deciplets (I wonder what she did to them anyway? They're probably locked up in separate dog kennel cages and being sent off to the already poor families who cannot afford another baby but want one anyway. Except for Zohan. I think she means to keep that one.) then the world is pretty much going to end. Or Godzilla is going to come ashore and have a major fight with Cloverfield and what not. I'm opting for the latter.

You know, I really must have ESP or future sight or something, because the latter is exactly what happened. Let me explain it to you:

Godzilla came ashore from the seas of Japan (I blame China for all of this, mind you, because if they hadn't been dumping toxins into the water or putting bad stuff in baby formulas Godzilla never would have been born. Please note that that was not intended to diss any Chinese people. Skyskater's Chinese.) and he's all, "Man, I hope Toho didn't prank call me. Cuz if they did, they're gonna be REAL sorry. Cuz I'm gonna kick their asses. All of them!" I don't actually know how Toho is, but you know, it's best not to ask questions when a really tall, really heavy monster is looming over you.

And then, Ichigo, being, well, Ichigo, said, "Hey, look! A distraction! It's Godzilla!"  
And then Rukia, who is actually having a nice normal lapse of pregnancy instead of ballooning up like Orihime, was all, "Oh, Ichigo, that's very nice. You decide to go and see a monster movie and then you ignore me. That's very responsible of you. I can just imagine the headlines now: FATHER KILLS CHILD WHILE PRETENDING TO BE KING KONG. DROPS CHILD OFF EMPIRE STATE BUILDING!"

Byakuya, who has never seen a monster movie in his life, was thoroughly confused and asked, "Wait. So you mean to tell me, Oh Feeder of Meat (that's my name from him, because I feed him meat in Soul Society. Not always humans, either. Pork tastes like humans and his taste buds are so desensitized he can't tell the difference.) that you broke me out for this shit?"  
And then Renji, who is STILL acting primitive, was saying in Gruntspeak, "No captain. Most certainly not. We wouldn't have broken you out anyway even if it was serious."

So Byakuya, who has some...anger management issues practically jumps Renji and snarls, "You wanna say that to my face, bitch?" Really, people. This story is, like, the side of Bleach that Kubo Tite never wants to reveal because it's all TRUE.

So anyway, Orihime, who became extremely stupid and lost about fifty kajillion IQ points so that her IQ is now in the negatives, said, "Oh look, Uryuu, it's a Menos!" Of course, we are talking about the woman who couldn't tell an elephant from an ant, so, you know, this is pretty much to be expected.  
"Dear, that is not a Hollow. That is a Switzerland Black Hole Machine!!!"

Of course, I made a perfectly fine and educated reply: "A Switzerland Black Hole Machine does not look like that. If it did, that's gotta be the worst disguise ever. A Black Hole Machine was not actually invented in Switzerland, but it was patented in North Korea to use as a nuclear weapon against South Korea -"

And then, of course, I get cut off. Like I always do. Matsumoto, who is being very rude to me at this point and who I shall probably fire when we get back to Soul Society said, "Well, captain, you can't blame it for trying. I suppose it was just trying to celebrate Halloween but it took so long to find a good costume that it missed it altogether!"  
"You've gotta be kidding me," I said.

Now we shall put an additional character into the story, Robert Hawkins from Cloverfield (which is the worst thing you will ever see) to make you mere mortals more confused than you are already: "What the fuck, dude. I cannot believe you made me leave New York City for this. You gotta be fucking kidding me! I could be smoking a joint right now, catching action on camera, but NOOOOo, you make me come all the way here to goddamn Japan just to see a Switzerland Black Hole Machine!"  
"It's NOT a Switzerland -"

And then, of course, just because Assault Godzilla likes sci fi movies and wants to make this even MORE confusing, Cloverfield (which is like a huge bug dinosaur thingy) just, like, popped out of thin air and was all: "ROAR! FEAR MOI!"  
And I'm like, "You're not French."  
And Godzilla's all, "Yo, back off! You on MAH turf now, BITCH!"

Cloverfield, who apparently is not good under pressure was all, "I was looking for my mommy. I lost her when I was traveling and demolishing the better part of New York City."  
"A likely story," Ichigo muttered, being the cocky ass he always is.  
And Rukia, who always just HAS to agree with Ichigo, said, "Yeah. A likely story. Haha."

However, they were all proved wrong because Mama Cloverfield came popping out of nowhere and was all, "There you are, Jr! I've been looking EVERYWHERE for you! Now how about we get back to NYC? I wasn't quite done eating that one fellow. Tasty chap. He was pretty big too. Half a ton or something of the like."  
Then Cloverfield whined, "But Mom! This guy is picking on me! Aren't you gonna beat him up?"  
"He's LYING, I tell ya! LIES!!!" Godzilla roared. At this point, I am very very surprised that China has not decided to start a war with us now that we are all distracted by this mutant war going on.

And then Byakuya, who had finally finished dominating Renji in all manners of ways (I shall not bother to explain them here, nobody was watching them anyway because, well, who'd watch one guy dominating another guy if there were dinosaurs, right?) said, "Well, well, and here I was thinking the world would end by me eating everybody."

So, having found an equal in the terms of world ending, Master Chief said, who I believe is from Godzilla (this is Assault Godzilla's creation, not mine, I am not this messed up) "And here I was thinking the world was gonna end because of a hundred destroyer machines."

So Cortana's all, "You thought wrong, bitch."

The Chief was gonna jump Cortana and start a fistfight right there, but you know, at that point Mama Cloverfield and Godzilla are having like, I don't know, a catfight or whatever. She had him in her mouth and stuff and she was shaking him around, and I, having seen Godzilla said wisely in the voice of a boy beyond his years, "If you knew what he could do, you wouldn't be doing that."

Cloverfield, being very naive, said, "Oh yeah? What's he gonna do then? Blow up or som-"

At that point, Godzilla, being...Godzilla, released a nuclear pulse like in that one movie, killing Cloverfield's mom who probably wasn't his mom in the first place.

"MOMMY!" Cloverfield screamed with a scream that probably blew out my hearing for good, and Godzilla, being a sardoncic and sarcastic monster, said, "Later kid. I got other countries to terrorize."

So Urahara, being the lamo he was, just comes right out of his shop, looks up at Godzilla and Cloverfield who are staring each other down, and he's all, "So where is the goddamn military when you need them? If I'm paying taxes for some lousy shitheaded people who don't know a gun from a lollipop, then sayonara baby! I'm packin up and moving to China!"

And then, of course, the military is never where you expect them to be. They were in Tokyo, busy looking at a map....

"General! I can't find it!"  
"That is only to be expected. You are such a moron."  
"We cannot find Karakura town! It is not on the map!"  
"Sure it is! It's that little white-outed patch on the map! I think you guys read too many mangas. Karakura Town is so special that it deserves its own little white-outed patch on the map."  
"Um...sir?"  
"What is it this time?!"  
"The whole map is whited out."

So I was all, "Okay, I hate my fucking life. If anybody needs me, I'll be doing some serious noob owning on Halo 3. And Gears of War 2 can suck my balls that are not actually sexually active yet but I will put in this story because it is a challenge."  
Godzilla shrieked. Yes, shrieked, like, a worthy Byakuya primal shriek or something and said, "Hey! Do you mind?! I'm only a child! Was that really necessary?" (Mind you, he's 54 years old according to Assault Godzilla).

So anyway, it was all out carnage for the better part of that day. And well, Byakuya never really did get around to beating Ichigo up until he saw Ichigo and Rukia smooching in the midst of all the danger around them, and he went, "Oh son of a bitch! You did not just do what I think you did!"

And then he beat Ichigo up. Of course, he didn't go according to schedule, it was four o'clock by that time.

I shall update tomorrow with more crack. Thanks for wasting time here, and wasting more time by reviewing!

**_Sunday  
November 9  
The High School of Hell  
Hitsugaya_**

**Enjoy that? Good. **

**This was a challenge requested by Assault Godzilla. Do not blame me for the randomness of this chapter. Although all my other chapters are random as well.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL DUMP TOXINS INTO A PUDDLE THAT WE WILL DIG IN FRONT OF YOUR HOUSE AND WE SHALL MAKE A NEW GODZILLA TO TERRORIZE YOU!**

**So, later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	25. Pornography Videos

**Skyskater's Daily Note: The last chapter was extremely random, and this one shall not be QUITE as random, but...all my chapters are random.**

**Please, if you haven't already, go and check out Solicitors if you like humor and/or The ER if you enjoy angsty romance and/or The REAL Fairy Tales for more Hitsugaya Crack. Everybody's so focused on this story that I am tempted to end it so that you can read my other stories. **

**Daily Advice: I will not end this story until I am done with my freshman year in high school. What do you think about a new guide for sophomore year? Vote on my profile!**

* * *

Lovely. I mean, this is just lovely. People say that my IQ is slipping, and they wonder WHY? Let me tell you why: The cause of all this noise and commotion is coming from the room over. In Urahara's shop, where I have the misfortune to live. Not like I would live anywhere else: Ichigo's house is already overcrowded, Orihime serves weird food and I do not feel comfortable with someone whose chest makes up at least 50 percent of their body mass (I don't live with Rangiku, it doesn't count), Keigo and his sister are both insane, Chad is...Chad and his family is probably racist against all Japanese people even though Chad himself is semi-Japanese, and Uryuu is gay. Really.

Yes, I can understand that a guy like him would tend to make a lot of noise when he is trying to persuade someone to buy something, but in all fairness, I think he's being a very bad salesperson. With the economy what it is now, I'm very very surprised that he has managed to keep his shop and home. And his black Lexus, which as I must unfortunately say, has seen better days. I had to go over some of the scratches I gave the paint on the car on that one church trip over with Sharpie. I don't think he noticed. However, he says that he should patent permanent-marker hash on the black market as the new form of drug. I am not even joking. There are so many things people get high off these days, like strawberry quick or that one drug where you put shit in a balloon, set it out in the sun, and inhale the fumes. I mean, SERIOUSLY! Jesus Christ!

And if life couldn't get any worse, I have a D in math. Yes, a D. Hey, think of it this way guys. At least it's not an F, right? Or an F- which would just be downright degrading.

I must retract that last paragraph. Life has gotten worse. The noises are getting louder, and even though I am trying to shut them out of my brain, I have the sneaking suspicion that Urahara is not actually trying to sell anything to a customer...in fact, it sounds as though he is doing something highly inappropriate with Yoruichi. HAS HE NO SHAME?! There are children and primitive cannibals in this house (aka me and Renji) and a certain gay couple (aka Yumichika and Ikkaku) who might get bad ideas in their heads!!! Oh wait. I forgot. Yumichika's straight. Seriously. He's so obviously gay, that it makes him just plain up straight. Can't get much straighter than that guy. I have no clue what Rangiku is doing, and I do not think that I want to know. The last time I walked in on her without knocking, it was...let's just say that I got pretty owned by Gin, who, in case anybody is wondering, used to be Rangiku's past lover. Hence I have a fear of Gin.

So ANYWAY, I am trying to concentrate on my math homework, but I clearly cannot because there are very loud sounds coming from the other room. I mean, okay, so you can confuse sex for something else. I mean, if the guy's giving someone a massage, then I could be totally mistaken, in which case I should apologize profusely to them both but will not. Algebra is really hard. Especially for someone like me. Especially if someone like me had bad working conditions, like Urahara's Shop/Apartment thingy. If my grade slips and I get an F in Algebra, then I am gonna blame Urahara and Yoruichi for it.

I mean, it's not like Soul Society cares, right? All they want me to do is...wait. I can't even remember why I'm down here in the first place. So, let's just say that I am probably down here for a very noble cause that I cannot remember at the moment because I am trying to do Algebra homework.

And I have snapped. Journal, yes, I have SNAPPED. I mean, when you are a young boy that is not sexually active in any way whatsoever and feels uncomfortable when sharing a room with someone whose chest makes up 50 percent of their body mass, then you clearly cannot work in conditions such as I am in now. Seriously. These are like the factories in Communist China! (Once again, the China diss. Skyskater is Chinese so nobody take offense to this. I mean that in the best of ways.) Or in the Middle Ages or whatever with the cotton mills. I can't even remember what time period that is, but I know the cotton mill was some really great invention to America except girls kept getting their aprons and hair stuck in the cotton mills and then bye bye went that apron or that strand of hair.

So I walked down the hall to Urahara's Shop. Okay. You would have thought that with my past experiences with Rangiku and Gin, that I should have knocked. I did not. Why? I cannot recall at this point because I am having a major brain dead episode.

So I pushed through the beady curtain thingy, you know, like the one in Get Smart? If you haven't watched that, it's pretty funny. So anyway, I pushed through the beady curtain thingy, and...um...for the sake of journalism, I suppose I shall write it down here, but YORUICHI AND URAHARA WERE HAVING SEX! GODDAMN!

Well, okay, actually, they were being filmed having sex for a pornography TV show or something like that, and even though I walked in and made several loud interjections, something to the like of: "HOLY SHIT DUDE! YOU CAN'T BE DOING THAT!" they still continued filming. Oh God. I am embarrassed that I would ever be in a pornography video.

Aw, shit. I cannot believe my luck. We're all gathered around the TV, right, and Urahara flips to the porn channel, which I suppose everybody in there wants to watch, BUT me. I wanted to excuse myself, but Urahara grabbed my wrist and said, "No, no, Hitsu-chan, you gotta stay for this one! You're in it, remember?"

Which caused a whole chain reaction of chaos:

Yumichika: "Wait, you were in a porn video? Wow, Hitsugaya-taichou, I have to admire you for that. Although I think that you should have let me do your make-up and everything, so that you could be beautiful, like me!"

Renji (in Gruntspeak): ...I thought you weren't sexually active yet?"

Rangiku: "AWWW...our little baby boy is growing up!!! So next time you, me, and Gin can have some fun together!"

Ikkaku: "Mother of Christ, excuse me now while I go and put this on TiVo."

Byakuya: "Dannnnngggg....I didn't even know humans could stretch that way."

Rukia: "To ask, or not to ask, that is the question. Aw, who cares. I don't think I want to know anyway."

Ichigo: "...This isn't the porn video where I make out with that stripper girl, is it?"

Yoruichi: "So this is the one where you came in and basically screamed your lungs off, is that correct? Hello? Hitsugaya-taichou, do you concur?"

Anyway, I was pretty surprised that Yoruichi used the word concur in the right context. But then the video came on, and...well, um, there they were, having sex on the floor (they're very vocal, I must say) and then, oh God, I just walk right through that beady curtain thingy and I'm yelling, "HOLY SHIT DUDE! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" And I suppose they made me play the role of jealous boyfriend or whatever, but still.

Excuse me. I need to go write my will and epitaph for them to carve on my grave.

**_Tuesday  
November 11  
Urahara's Shop/My Temporary Home  
Hitsugaya_**

**This should fulfill Evil Demon Warrior Bunny's challenge of Hitsugaya walking in on Yoruichi and Urahara having sex. Yep. Except I'll bet that he/she didn't intend for it to turn out this way. LOL. I turn things to my advantage, what can I say?**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! OR ME AND SHIRO-CHAN SHALL VIDEO TAPE YOU HAVING SEX AND PUT IT ON THE JAPANESE PORN CHANNEL AND IT WILL BE CREEPY BECAUSE YOU WILL NOT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE SAYING!!!!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	26. Arrancar Byakuya? WTF!

**Skyskater's Daily Note: I have recently discovered I now harbor a fondness of Szayel. Oh God. And to think I killed him off in the last story.**

**Well, alright, a Szayel pairing because Szayel is just creepy by himself. But if you pair him up with someone like Il Forte or Nnoitra, it's actually okay. I mean, it's so blatantly wrong, that it's right. Get it? Got it? Good.**

**Daily Advice: If you start sketching one of the anime characters that you do not like, you may find you like them. Seriously. As a result, when I should be studying for bio finals, which are not going too well: "Why the hell do I need to know how many cells meiosis produces? It makes sex cells! God!", I now have a deskful of Szayel drawings. Yes. And then watch: I'll still manage to get a good grade on the finals.**

* * *

Okay. First of all, I just want to start with a little Skyskater info: She is currently infatuated with Szayel and is drawing him on her study sheet for her bio finals. Also, we have recently discovered that she has a fetish for burning paper edges with a lit candle. I do not know why, but I guess she likes it. It's...I don't know, irresistible to her or whatever. I cannot believe that she actually approves of Szayel now. I mean, that guy is weirder than Mayuri! But anyway, not like I care. She's...her. I suppose studying for your Bio and Algebra II finals can wear a hole in anyone's brain.

Anyway, Byakuya, after watching that horrible porn video with me portrayed as a jealous boyfriend (they totally Photoshopped that too...I cannot ever remember wearing that godawful ugly jacket) decided he wanted to dress up as well. Why? I don't know. I tried to tell him that Halloween was already over, that Godzilla hadn't actually been trying to dress up as a Hollow, but noooo....That man. Sometimes. I really do wonder about him, you know? Yes, he can act civilized and make some very deep responses when he actually exerts some effort, but most of the time his stabs at intellectuality come out something like this:

"If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure." (His response to what immediate actions they should take to the ryoka break-in...I can totally see where the brains are in the sixth division. Not in Renji, but in that little guy, what's his name, Rikichi. He has all the brains in that division, I swear. He does not attempt to make intellectual conversations and can actually comprehend a word that is longer than two syllables, as Renji appears to be incapable of doing.)

"I stand by all the misstatements I have made." (His response to the time when he thought Omaeda was pregnant; he refused to back down from this statement even when it was sent to court. And he lost, even though he did manage to convince quite a few other people, and even some healers from the Fourth Division, that Omaeda's belly was not at all natural and that he was probably storing fetuses in there.)

Or this one: "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Captain: 'To be prepared.'" (He obviously can't count.)

And if you have never heard those quotes before in your life, they are actually quotes from George Bush that Byakuya decided he would like to imitate. I mean, seriously. Half of the time I doubt Byakuya/George Bush actually understands what is coming from their own mouth.

Right. So anyway, he wanted to dress up for Halloween even though he was late for it. I mean, when Byakuya wants something, you can't say no to him. He'll eat you and possibly absorb your powers and abilities like Metatastica or whatever that Hollow's name was did to Kaien. Okay. I'm sorry. That was a spoiler. Wait. I don't think I need to apologize. I am a famous movie star and I think that you should all be bowing down before me and kissing the ground I walk on and feeding me grapes by the moonlight! Well, perhaps not by the moonlight, because you might accidentally let one of the grapes slip down my throat and I could choke.

Anyway, so Byakuya actually decided he wanted to be an Arrancar for his late Halloween. So, in order to complete his costume, he went over to the tattoo parlor, got facial markings like all the Espada seem to have. (Do not correct me on this one people.) Then he traded out his cheap plastic hairclips from some mighty expensive authentic bone hair clips that actually are probably made out of plastic and on the inside probably say Made in Taiwan or something. And then he traded out his white and black uniform for an all white one. Mind you, he did this all in six hours. That's moving pretty fast. Not to mention those bone hair clips probably dove a bit into Rukia's college fund. Yeah right. As if Rukia would ever have the brains to go to college. And even if she did, she'd go to like a trade school where she learned to design other people's hair and stuff. I don't know. Something useless like that.

Oh, yes, how could I forget? Byakuya also went to the black market and bought a product called "The Human Hole Puncher." Thankfully, Urahara managed to convince our poor misled captain that punching a hole through his kidney was not beneficial to his health, like it said on the package. Anyway, Byakuya, who just would not stand for anything less than being an Arrancar, decided to draw a hole on both sides of his ribcage with Sharpie. I don't know how he's gonna get it off, but...I'm assuming he will.

And then, of course, he wants to get candy too. You know. So we put Spirit Candy out around Karakura Town so it will seem like he's actually going trick-or-treating, on one condition of course: He has to be in his soul form, not in a gigai. So, after doing all that work to get his gigai prepared for tonight, he has to get out of it and do the whole thing over again.

Of course, he may just actually hole punch his gigai now that he's OUT of it. He probably won't care if it's Urahara's or anything. That man has no shame or niceness toward other people's belongings. It's only his, for some reason, that matter. Seriously. If he sees a black leather sofa displayed in, I don't know, the window of Wal-Mart or something and he has the exact same sofa, he will go in there and rip that other sofa up. I don't know what his problem is. Maybe he's having originality issues.

Right. But...I think I'm going to go now. I need to supervise Byakuya while he's out making his candy rounds, because God knows he'll probably get distracted by some juicy little stray kitten and eat it. I mean, you would think he'd get heartburn from eating fur, but that guy has insane metabolism. I don't know how he does it, but I don't think I want to know. Speak no evil, right?

**_Wednesday  
November 12  
Urahara's Shop/My Temporary Home  
Hitsugaya_**

**Skyskater has an English project due on Friday that she has not thought to start yet...do not expect many updates as she frantically tries to get a good grade. She may be a procrastinator, but dang, she can turn out some amazing shit when she wants to. We ask for respect and support at this time.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL SET YOUR JUICY LITTLE KITTEN OUT ON THE STREET FOR BYAKUYA TO EAT!**

**Buh-bye!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	27. 50 Tons of Nerve Gas

**Skyskater's Daily Note: To get into a really popular movie, as Twilight appears it is going to be, you gotta buy the tickets like, three weeks in advance. No joke.**

**I'm not gonna go to Twilight at the midnight showing on Thursday. I got finals. I may go next week, because I don't want to have to fight the crowds. And then watch, a whole bunch of people is gonna go next week too. God damn. Maybe I should just wait til it comes out on DVD huh?**

**Daily Advice: Ask for cash for Christmas. Cash always wins. You can't go wrong with money. Then after you get the money, go and buy whatever the hell you want!**

* * *

Well, anyway, Skyskater's English project was a huge success. She wrote the 23rd chapter of Bless Me, Ultima by Rudolfo Anaya, and got fifty points out of fifty points, or, in other words, one hundred percent. Good for her. I cannot honestly believe that she managed to put that together all in two days and still get a hundred. I guess there are just some people in this world who are naturally good at things like that. I mean, I think we can all agree here that I wouldn't have been able to do that to save my life. Maybe that's why I died a premature death...

Aw, who am I kidding? There have been, and are, so many speculations about how the grand life of Hitsugaya Toushirou ended. One of them was that I was drowned during my baptism at Father Daisuke's church. Another one was that I was eaten by Godzilla. Yet another one is that I died through suffocation in Rangiku's massive...parts. And yet no one knows...but me. And I shall not reveal it to you! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Now that, people, is sadistic laughter. Don't go around leaving reviews with sadistic laughter and then end up choking. It's pathetic. It makes you look even more pathetic than you already are.)

Anyway, this chapter is all about the new, weird, freaky teacher at Sohma High. Her name is Miss Itou, and SHIT she scares the living crap outta me. I mean, she's not all freaky like Szayel (I swear, that guy needs to have his own personal level on the Freak-O-Meter), but she is just...I don't know how to describe her in one word or less. I guess I'll just write a bunch of smack about her, smack that, in fact, is all true.

Right. So she's my new math teacher. Our old one had a heart attack and is currently hospitalized. Now, I can't say that I like him, but I don't like HER much better. When we filed in after the bell had rung, we came in to find her sitting on the desk and singing the song "Do You Believe in Magic" by Aly & AJ. And then when our Teacher's Assistant came in, she started over so the TA wouldn't feel left out. (Needless to say, I believe that poor child will be needing some massive brain surgery.) Now, honestly, people. I wouldn't even know many math teachers that KNOW that song, let alone know how to SING it. I mean, I think she has way too much time on her hands. Time that could be used for, oh, maybe helping us with math! (Not like it would help, anyway. Renji's given up on polynomials.)

Also, she's fat. I mean, like Omaeda fat. Like the world's fattest man in Mexico fat. Fat as you will never believe. Fat enough to make you wonder, "Now how the hell did she get through the DOOR?" Oh. I know. She got a crane that took off the ceiling and deposited her on the floor of this classroom. I feel so bad for the class below us. I mean, if there's an earthquake and the floor happens to collapse, Miss Itou is just gonna fall right through the floor and kill the poor kids that are under her wide expanse of fat. Not to mention she's TOTALLY biased. So there's a new American transfer student in our class named Sara. Miss Itou's first name happens to be Sara. I guess she's not pure Japanese; what self respecting Japanese family would name their daughter Sara?

Right. Well, so Sara's name came up on attendance, and Miss Itou immediately said that Sara was her new favorite student. Just because they had the same name. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT?! Have you no shame?!

And then get this: A day after that she decides on a new favorite student. I don't see what the point is. If you select a favorite, you can't choose another one! It's like chocolate and vanilla. If you like chocolate, then you don't like vanilla as much. If you like vanilla, then you can't like chocolate as much! It's a freaking law somewhere in...Ubequistikan! (It's probably a country in Africa. There are so many damn countries in Africa with so many weird names, it could be. But I am not gonna check the globe.)

Then, as if things could not get any worse, she said that Ichigo was a girl's name and that Ichigo should pull down his pants to verify that he was indeed a boy because she thought he was lying and that was an unprovoked act of rebellion and she would not hesitate to drop 50 tons of nerve gas on Ichigo. I mean, huh? I didn't even know that anybody BUT the military had access to nerve gas. Especially not fifty tons. And isn't that illegal? Strip searching? I bet she was doing it just to get a kick out of how small Ichigo's dick is. Not like I would know. I'm not a pervert. And then after he refused to prove it, she demanded to call him Chibichi. Little Ichigo. Well, I suppose that's better than being strip searched, right? But still.

When our principal walked into the room to survey how things were going, she called him Victoria. Why? I don't know. And then since his last name is Secret, she was all, "Oh yeah! Victoria's Secret! Hahahahahahahaha!" And laughed at her own joke, that...nobody else laughed at. Mr. Secret left after that, and she said he was balding. I mean, sure, it's true, but...umm...hello? You don't just go and randomly point out when people are balding! They might have self confidence issues!

Not to mention that Miss Itou is the BEST drawer in the world. That was sarcasm, by the way. She can't even draw a line without having to erase it three or four times because it wasn't straight. This is with using a ruler, too, okay? I feel so bad for Tite Kubo, he's probably sobbing his heart out right now because his beloved manga characters have to be stuck in a room with freaky Miss Itou who cannot even draw a straight line.

And then she called me a nosepicker when we were at the store yesterday. I mean, not we as in me and her, but we as in me and Renji and everybody else. She just "happened" to be there (I'll bet she was stalking us to make sure we weren't doing illegal drugs, which would then be an unprovoked act of rebellion and would call for her to drop 50 tons of nerve gas on us), and she passed us and she was all, "Nosepicker!"

Come to think of it, I don't know whether that comment was directed at me or at someone else. Someone else namely being Renji, who was, in fact, picking his nose at the time. Then again, she also might have been directing it at the cashier, who just backed away, nice and easy. How I wish I could have done that as well. But no. She was so damn fat that I was squished in between the Christmas wreaths and her fat, repulsive little body. Now, she is shorter than me, mind you, so that her short curly brown hair comes up to my nose, and GOD...it smelled so bad. It smelled like baby powder on overload. And let me tell you, I think I passed out for a little bit but was held up by her fat body and the aisle.

I just want to know when my station here in Karakura will end. I am having the suckiest experience ever and nobody is taking pity on me. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**_November 17  
Monday  
The High School of Hell  
Hitsugaya_**

**This was a chapter dedicated to Aruguealot and his/her/sheman/heshe's Ms. Bores challenge. **

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL DROP 50 TONS OF NERVE GAS ON YOU FOR YOUR UNPROVOKED ACT OF REBELLION!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	28. One Piece and Naruto

**Skyskater's Daily Note: I actually am a high school student. Just like most of you appear to be. I am a freshman. I have finals coming up. What makes you think I don't have homework???**

**Well, alright. I think I may just combine all four years into this story, because there is no way in hell that I can write a story that gets over 10000 reviews. There is a Twilight story that has that many reviews. Oh...sad...sad...Help me try to reach this goal, ne?**

**Daily Advice: What do you think about cramming all four years plus summers and other stuff into this one story? Vote on my profile!**

* * *

Holy shit. I was browsing through the Twilight archives to find that 2000 plus review story, and guess what. I found a TEN FUCKING THOUSAND reviewed story! HOLY SHIT! Well...this is depressing. But I mean, I can't write shit like that! I'm just not...that good of a romance writer unless it's soft angst! HOW DO THESE PEOPLE DO IT?!!!! ARRRGHGHGHGHGHGHGHG!

Okay. Sorry about my little rant there. That was totally uncalled for. Right. But anyway, so since Godzilla and Clover and all the other monsters did not actually disappear in the last chapters; they were always here, they just...were invisible, they have been notified of my goal of most reviews on this website. And so, of course, since this story is hella random because that seems to amuse you mere mortals, we just HAD to add new characters to the mix to make it even more confusing! If your brain does not explode after reading this chapter, please notify me so that we can hold a funeral for all the brain cells that died during the brave and valiant reading of Chapter 37.

Right. We were all standing around outside school today after school. But I think you already figured that out. We were about to start walking home when Godzilla just popped up out of nowhere (I'll bet you he was hiding under that Invisibility Cloak that he Extended and stole from Harry Potter) and he was all, "Oh hey! You're that one dude who wants to get the most reviews on !"

And then, of course, everybody looks at me because nobody would expect me to be the type of guy to write fanfiction. But, I mean, Skyskater dragged me into it and made me sign this horrible contract that I could not back out of because she used Permanent Marker and laminated paper!

Right. But then all the other characters from the last chapter popped out of nowhere; well, alright, I guess they came out of a Garganta, or that thing that the Arrancars rip through the surface of the world and then pop in and out. I mean, that's just not natural and is an unprovoked act of rebellion. Therefore, if I could buy fifty tons of nerve gas off the black market, I would have justification for dropping it on all of them at the same time. And yet...nerve gas does not seem to affect Byakuya in any way, shape, or form. How do I know this? Let's just say it was an experiment Mayuri did a few years back. An experiment that resulted in the creation of Nemu. Because I think we can all agree that there is NO WAY that Mayuri could have coerced someone into sleeping with him.

So Master Chief, who I have recently learned is from Halo and NOT Godzilla said: "Like one of the promotional ads for Halo Three said: 'Believe.'"  
Then Ichigo, who totally plays Halo (he gets owned by Skyskater daily) said: "It'll take a while, but it can be achieved."  
And Naruto, who I have no idea WHERE THE HELL he came from, said, "That's right! Believe it!"  
Luffy (from One Piece) was all, "Well, I have no idea where the freak I am, but just to fit in, I suppose I'll say something promotional. Yeah! Let's go for it! Or I could watch you fail and laugh at you, then burn you and rub your ashes in the dust. So...why am I here again? Surely I'm not here to be a cheerleader for this feat that you surely will never accomplish?"

Cloverfield, who I guess was sharing the Invisibility Cloak with Godzilla (the Cloak was so big that they couldn't find each other underneath it) said, "Good question."  
Godzilla was all, "Get lost dude. I already watched you fail, laughed at you, burned you, and rubbed your ashes in the dust. Except you came back."

Then Cloverfield was all, "Up yours, bitch!"  
"Our fight's not even gonna last 30 seconds. You could be at the front of the line in front of an ice cream truck and this fight would be over before you even got your soft serve!"  
"WHAT?! That's just freaking BS of the third degree!"  
"I'm the king of monsters retard. I mean, your name sounds like a girl. And I will have you know that it was ME who impregnated myself, making me invincible and able to do anything! I wouldn't think you'd have parts enough to impregnate yourself, now would you?"

"You're kidding me! I can't believe we're having an argument over who is better based on the terms that you can impregnate yourself in Tristar's horrible remake of your movie! This is blasphemy! This is madness!"  
"Madness? I'll show you madness, you little asswipe."

And then Naruto was all, "Aw shit man. I didn't come here to watch monsters fight. This is like the clash of Sasuke and Itachi, except not..."  
Ichigo, who should be protecting Rukia since she is pregnant, was all, "I wish I had a camera. BUT START RUNNING!"  
Luffy said, "Huh? What the fuck mates? What's going on? And WHY am I Australian?!"  
Master Chief was all: "I guess the world does not end in 2012. And Damn. I already started selling calendars for 2013 just to convince people that the world would NOT end in 2012 and then I could watch them scream and burn miserably in the flames of Hell...But I suppose it ends now. Oh well. Those calendars were a great profit."

Godzilla was all: "I. Am. Indestructible. Or was that Legend? Okay, whatever. Put on my theme song!"

Here, out of nowhere, Indestructible by Disturbed starts playing...Miss Itou just HAPPENS to carry a stereo around wherever she goes...She probably could fit it under her folds of lard too, no doubt. Here are the lyrics. Why did she have their album? I have no freaking idea. But I think I'll just accept that what can go wrong, will. It's a lot easier that way.

_Determination that is incorruptible  
From the other side  
A terror to behold  
Annihilation will be unavoidable  
Every broken enemy will know  
That their opponent had to be invincible  
Take a last look around while you're still alive  
I'm an indestructible master of war_

And then Ichigo, who...has a reputation for being very verbal was all, "Wow."  
Naruto was like, "What the fuck?"  
And Luffy, being...stupid, said, "Wow! That was totally awesome! Let's do that again!"

Then, of course, he caught sight of Miss Itou and her stereo. Needless to say, Luffy the Pirate returned to his rightful story in One Piece and stayed away from Karakura Town for the rest of his life. Naruto (being Naruto; the series will never end!) was...Naruto. There's no other way to describe it. And Ichigo just passed out from trying to think of a coherent sentence to say that was NOT monosyllabic.

-Insert sigh here- I think I'm gonna go and own noobs on CounterStrike or something. I mean, I honestly have nothing better to do and God knows Clover and Godzilla are still gonna be here bashing it out till kingdom come.

I just want to know how those kids from High School Musical have such a great life. I mean, HIGH SCHOOL SUCKS. And they have the audacity to turn it into a musical? Americans must have no better things to watch. But we Japanese, we love our drama. We love watching the lovers cheat on each other with the same person and then laugh at their pitiful demise....like Uryuu and Orihime. Who are cheating on each other with...DUN DUN DUN...Poor Ulquiorra. Yup. Life is not going good for me, and the next person who dares to say "Good afternoon" will get a mile long stick up their ass.

**_November 18  
Tuesday  
The Street Outside the High School of Hell AKA 666 Hellman Way  
Hitsugaya_**

**This chapter was written to fulfill Assault Godzilla's challenge. Yes, there is a Twilight story with 10000 plus reviews. So, I would like to surpass that, but I don't know how. Help me out here? **

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL MAKE YOU AND YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER CHEAT ON EACH OTHER WITH THE SAME PERSON! AND YOU WILL HAVE A PITIFUL DEMISE!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	29. No Eggs in Hueco Mundo

**Skyskater's Daily Note: I wrote this chapter, and then it told me I had to log in to save it. ARGH!**

**How are you guys liking this story? Review and tell me!**

**Daily Advice: Read manga...the anime usually isn't as good.**

* * *

**_November 20  
Thursday  
Urahara's Shop: My Temporary Home  
Hitsugaya (are you happy now En-en-chan or whatever your penname is? I do listen to suggestions! So everybody should NOT be calling me a stubborn, obstinate pig!)_**

Right. So...after the whole one-sided relationship gigs with Ulquiorra, Orihime, and Uryuu, it has finally come out: Ulquiorra is pregnant. With Orihime's children. How? I have no fucking idea. But he is. And he is not liking it. One bit.

You would think that since he was a graduate student majoring in female anatomy in his past life that he would be well aware of what the symptoms of pregnancy were. But I suppose after being turned into a Hollow because you're all depressed because you don't know whether you're gay or straight and your best friend has just left you because you are confused about your sexual orientation and might as well just go and rape them on the couch, and then being beamed down into Hueco Mundo where it's always night so the sun can never come up so there are no chickens so there are no eggs to eat scrambled for breakfast, and then having half of your face/mask thingy ripped off so that you feel naked and exposed without it, that you'd pretty much forget everything you learned when you were still alive. Yes. That sentence is a run on sentence, but if you go back and read it very slowly, I'm sure you'll understand. You know. 4G brains and all can't exactly comprehend sentences that are more than fifteen words.

He was throwing up, had stopped calling everything 'Trash', had decided to go on a major shopping spree to buy several hundred thousand dollars worth of Hello Kitty merchandise, and then, to top it all off, he actually started eating, and enjoying, Orihime's weird combinations of food. Of course, he brought that to school, because she brought him with her, and let's just say that nobody really ate pickles after the whole pickles and ice cream with ham incident.

And then he started growing exponentially. I mean...like, he wasn't exactly the anorexic little guy he'd used to be, but...let's just say that he was popping in and out of clothes on a weekly basis. It was...frightening. Then the store clerks started rolling down their metal top windows whenever he came by, walking down the street to buy yet another new pair of clothes (because he usually ended up killing the person who charged him) and...that was not a pleasant experience. Ulquiorra Schiffer has taken to walking around naked.

And I don't care whether he's hot in that one picture of him where his outfit is all ripped and everything! HE'S FAT, FOR GODS' SAKE! How is that hot?! And don't you Ulquiorra fangirls start. Because I am not going to listen to a single word you say. This is me ignoring you: LA LALA LA LALA ALALALALALALALALALA...

Okay. I have recently come to the conclusion that Karakura Town must be, like, a fertility clinic set up by Aizen and we just don't know it yet. Because it seems as though everybody is getting pregnant! Even the ones who can't are getting pregnant! It's a wonder that Matsumoto hasn't gotten pregnant yet...well, then again, if she did, I would have kicked her out of my squad so fast you couldn't even say 'Chocolate covered cherries.'

As if things couldn't get bad enough, Szayel reincarnated himself from the dead and has recently decided to beam himself up to Karakura Town to be Ulquiorra's pregnancy counselor and advisor or whatever the hell he has taken to calling himself. I just know what he's thinking...He's probably gonna inject poor Ulquiorra with some drugs that attach to the baby with a webcam so that he can see what goes on inside male bodies during pregnancy. Even though this has not been done before, I am sure that Szayel doesn't care. He'll just do whatever, you know? Hell, if you gave him enough time, he could probably cure AIDs. Except his methods of finding the cure wouldn't exactly be...traditional. And he'd probably sacrifice a few innocent people along the way. Then impregnate them using himself and eating his way out of them.

Alright. Anyway. What was I talking about?

Oh yeah. So Ulquiorra's pregnant. At least this one looks...fairly normal for a pregnancy (minus the whole fact that he's a guy and whatnot), and is progressing like Rukia's. I really hope that he doesn't decide to go and have deciplets or whatever. I hope that he has a stillborn. Because, first of all, males were never created to have children. Where is his kid gonna come out? His dick? I don't think so...if it did, Ulquiorra would probably have to get a...prosthetic penis or something. Because they'd have to amputate his old one because it wouldn't be usable anymore for any purposes. And then, second, I do not want my home, no matter how temporary, being ravaged by a bunch of disgraceful, disrespectful kids that have no regard for their elders! Not that I mean me. Because I'm quite young, you know. I just turned fifty last December.

Right. But I am definitely not looking forward to having to deal with TWO pregnant people at the same time. It seems as if whenever one gives birth, there's automatically a new pregnant person in the town to replace the old one. I don't understand it at all. And to top that all off, people always come to me to share their problems! I am NOT a counselor and I sure as hell don't want to have to deal with your problems! I'm failing math already as it is! I can't be bothered with your babies that should not exist! (Ulquiorra should get an abortion. It was rape, after all. Oh wait. I forgot. He's already been rejected by the abortionist or whatever they call those people who do abortions and hand out free condoms.)

Actually, they did that at the Beijing Olympics so none of the athletes would get pregnant after they got kicked out of the Olympics...they handed out brochures with free condoms inside and athletes were encouraged to take as many as they needed....

I still stand by my old rule. If you are going to have sex/be raped, please use three condoms. Just in case one breaks. And take a birth control pill. Of course, I don't blame Ulquiorra for any of this, because how did the poor guy know he was gonna get raped and then become pregnant? He didn't. It was all Orihime's fault.

You know, sometimes I really wish that my life could be normal....

* * *

**I followed a suggestion given by En-En-Chan in England for the reformatting of my chapters. Hope you guys are happy! It's not all that different, just the date and stuff at the top and the slash in the location replaced by a colon....**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL MAKE SZAYEL INJECT YOU WITH A DRUG THAT ATTACHES ITSELF TO YOUR (NON)EXISTENT BABY WITH A WEBCAM SO HE CAN SEE WHAT GOES ON INSIDE YOUR BODY WHILE YOU ARE (NOT) PREGNANT!**

**Lol. Bye.  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	30. WWW dot WHATTHEFUCK dot com

**Skyskater's Daily Note: I believe that underneath all the crack and other shit in this story, there is actually a plot. A plot that corresponds with the situation of many high schools in the world today...I mean, pregnancy (mpreg...no comment), drugs (rage pills), porn videos, what's NOT to like? LOL.**

**She's...chopping broccoliiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...God. I love Dana Carvy.**

**Daily Advice: Your cell phone probably has a cell phone loop for you to put charms in. It's just probably very subtle.**

* * *

Right. Since my computer has been a complete virus brothel, I have not been able to update. And why the hell would I be updating anyway? It was Thanksgiving! Jesus H. Christ! Don't I deserve to have some off time too? I'm only a little boy who formerly lived with Bed-Wetter Momo and his peachy old grandmother!

Thanksgiving was a rather...unusual affair. I mean, for the rest of you guys, it was probably turkey, mashed potatoes, creamed corn, and pumpkin pie. Or something of the like. But nooooo...Urahara and the rest of them just have to go all out for Thanksgiving. I seriously don't know why. It was like a potluck thing and everybody had to bring some type of food. Of course, at this point, all of us are just cruising for a trip to the ER to get our stomachs pumped....

Orihime brought chocolate with onions, leeks, and bean paste incorporated inside. Of course, the only people who ate it were herself, Matsumoto, and Ulquiorra, on account of all his weird food cravings and what not. And Orihime and Matsumoto...are just Orihime and Matsumoto. That's all there is to say.

Ichigo brought strawberry pudding. I mean, at this point, I'm not even gonna bother to ask how he managed to make strawberry pudding. Strawberry Jello, I can understand. But strawberry pudding? How do you do that? I mean, you can't make it like, super soft, so that it's like a strawberry smoothie, so that rules out the blender option, and you can't exactly freeze them and THEN blend them, because it would be like strawberry popsicles...

Uryuu brought rice balls. Which, of course, Ikkaku was immediately suspect of. Because, you know, he was all, "There is no freaking way Gay Dude over there would take the time to individually wrap and pack all of these rice balls so perfectly!" Little did he know that Uryuu takes a specialized class at the Community Center dedicated to finding your Zen in wrapping rice balls...

Renji brought fish. I mean, not like cooked fish, but not sushi either. He brought fish. Freshly caught fish. Alright. Fine. So fish that smelled like it had been out in the sun for two weeks. I mean, when a guy shows up to your Thanksgiving table with smelly dead fish and wearing only a loincloth so that he could get in touch with his primitive side, I think it's probably in your best interest to kick him out before he stinks up the whole freaking house. As it was, we set him outside with Byakuya, and apparently the two of them had quite the civil dinner, judging by the amount of ravaged turkey bones lying around in the front yard of Urahara's Shop....

Byakuya outdid himself. I must say. He not only brought a whole freaking COW, he also brought some strippers from his house in Hell. You know. For Urahara. As if that old fart hadn't just been screwing Yoruichi for a porn video a few days ago....

Chad took it upon himself to bring some diversity into our "too-Japanese-oriented" Thanksgiving table, and so he made tacos. Tacos. I think we have discussed Asian fish tacos in an earlier chapter, have we not? So Chad did not actually diversify our table, he just made it even more Asian. "The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry..." I forget which philosopher with too much time on their hands thought up that quote, but I wasn't even aware that mice could even have the brain capacity to think up a plan...

Urahara and Yoruichi didn't bring anything. Those foul pigs. You'd think that they would at LEAST have the hospitality to set the table, but nooooo...it's as though setting out napkins and utensils would ruin their hard-worked-on self-image...If anybody knows what said image is, please inform them at 1-800-GET-YOUR-OWN-LIFE. And if anybody wants to contact me, I'll be at **www dot WHAT THE FUCK dot com**. Stupid website doesn't allow me to put website links...

Ikkaku brought moon pies. Maybe it has something to do with the quantity of hair on his head?

Yumichika claimed that he was too beautiful to cook and that he believed that a special delivery would be arriving quite soon...said Special Delivery was a goldfish. What, did he think we were actually going to eat that poor thing? It looked like it was pregnant too...of course, that doesn't mean that deterred Byakuya and Renji fighting tooth (fangs) and nail (claws) over the goldfish, who eventually suffocated from loss of water on the ground at their feet.

Matsumoto helped with the vile and poisonous chocolate that could probably be set as a bomb, thrown inside Mayuri's scientific lab, and blow it all to Kingdom Come, even though he claimed that it was indestructible.

Rukia did not bring anything, but I think she had something to do with the fact that the strawberry pudding was indeed pudding and not Jello...

Szayel...being Szayel, brought a human. A live human. He said it was good that the poor thing was alive because, "You know, it'll be a heck of a lot fresher! I mean, it's just no fun when you have to like, chop it up when it's dead. That just ruins the whole excitement of the thing. Besides, fresh blood is good for the baby." Meaning Ulquiorra's baby. I had no idea that Ulquiorra's child was vampiric.

Ulquiorra brought a block of trash that he stole from the landfill. I don't know what he means by that, but...well, it was a compact perfect square of trash. He brought it up, plunked it down on the table next to the moon pies, and said, "Trash. A gift to the human race." O-kayyy....

And then Grimmjow just came sauntering in, took one look at the trash on the table, and said, "Well. I never knew that trash was edible. But then again, I'm not a hobo. And guess what everybody? I just got a new STD! That's number nine! I'm gonna make it to double digits! Happy Thanksgiving!" And then he was gone again. Now. That just ruined my appetite right there...

I brought one of those fancy ice sculpture thingies. You know, like you see in those wedding shows on HGTV. The ones where that guy goes and makes stuff out of ice to put on a table and then after six hours it melts? Yeah. Mine was immortal ice, though. So it would never melt. Of course, nobody appreciated it and I saw quite a few people chipping little pieces off that hard-worked ice swan to put in their drinks. The drinks, of course, were brought courtesy of Keigo and Mizuiro with the aid of a crowbar to break through the glass of the vending machine...

So, all in all, it was an okay Thanksgiving. Minus the chocolate. But here's what gets me: The prayer. Here Urahara is, claiming to be Buddhist and everything, and that he couldn't bear to part with his hair, so he left it on, and he's all,

"Dear Lord Baby Jesus..."  
And Ikkaku's all, "Jesus ain't a baby, foo!"  
"Yeah he is!"  
"No, he's like a guy! He was a guy when they nailed him up, wasn't he?"  
"Yeah, so what?"  
"So he's not a baby! You can't pray to a baby! That's like...pedophiliaism or whatever!"

"That's not a word! And I pray to baby Jesus if I want to! I like the Baby Jesus the best! God freaking damn!"

And a fist fight occurred over the moon pies. Let us just say that the moon pies were very missed and mourned...

**_Saturday  
November 29  
Urahara's Shop/My Temporary Home  
Hitsugaya_**

* * *

**Sorry for the wait. And I really do mean that. My computer had become a virus whorehouse for a couple of days there...**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! OR ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL HAVE A FIST FIGHT WITH YOU OVER YOUR MOON PIES AND YOU AND THE MOON PIES WILL BE MISSED AND MOURNED!**

**And yes. I actually do think there is a plot to this story. It's just buried under ten feet of crack and other hilarious shit. It is hilarious, right??**

**Later  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	31. In Other News

**Skyskater's Daily Note: I have recently been watching the Hueco Mundo cup, recommended to me by...Hitsugaya's Girl. I believe that is what her penname is. And it is HILARIOUS. It's like, on the same scale with Dana Carvy and Jeff Dunham.**

**"You never baked me a pie..." Gotta love it!**

**Daily Advice: When you move into a house, check that the bathroom windows are all tinted or something. Otherwise, your neighbors can peep in on you while you are showering. Ugh...**

* * *

Hello everybody! It is me, the good vice captain Rangiku Matsumoto! Now, I'm sure you're all wondering what the heck I'm doing in this story, because this story is called Hitsugaya's Guide to High School, isn't it? Well, let me tell you, I believe our dear little short captain has got some...interesting material that he does not actually post on this website. Interesting material that I believe would not be T-rated appropriate. Interesting material of the sort that only one person could find out about...

One person, that is, besides me. Gin is the person's name that I shall not reveal...Oops! I guess I already revealed it! Just kidding, y'all. Just kidding. Like that whole broken teacup thing. I was just kidding about that one too, but you know Captain, he's always so uptight and stuff...But this journal and "incriminating" evidence I have here may explain why he is so uptight. Perhaps our dear innocent little Captain is not as innocent as he claims to be and is not as sexually inactive as he also claims to be...

The cover says, "DO NOT OPEN. PROPERTY OF HITSUGAYA." And then there's a stick drawing of him holding...what is that? A spork? Ahhh...I remember the days when I used to keep a diary. Well, you know, that idea went down the drain when Gin found it and read it out in front of the whole graduating class of the Shinigami Academy that one year, including material that was private such as, "I just realized that Kira is silent because he is trying to repress high sexual urges that I did not even know were possible in such a character!" Hence to say, Kira did have great sexual urges. And that's why he was so quiet, because if he talked, he'd probably say something like, "God, that was some freaking amazing sex I had last night." Or something like that.

Well, anyway, on the inside of the cover, which is not to be confused with the cover itself, it says, "Hitsugaya's Guide to High School, with explicit content not suitable for posting on the Internet." Hmmm...that gets me wondering to what this explicit content may be. Due to Gin's excessive amount of giggling over in the corner, I believe this content to be something of the sexual matter, and by that, I do not mean education.

So anyway, here we go.

* * *

Since I am technologically challenged, I have not been able to find this infamous Hitsugaya's Guide to High School on the Internet. However, if this is a copy of Hitsugaya's Guide to High School, then I must say this is highly offending material. While it is not about sex, it is, in fact, a booklet/guide thing that is indeed to high school, but also has little annotations on the side where he expresses his high dislike of many of the Shinigami members. I wonder if he has something about me in here...

By golly, I never knew Hitsugaya Taichou was such an avid hater of Gin. But Gin's a masochist. He loves being insulted. I don't know why. But some of the comments here are,

"Gin is a heinous scoundrel who would just as soon rape a little boy as smile at one."  
"Gin should not be trusted with children. Inspect Gin and Nnoitra's plan to rape every little boy on the face of the Earth immediately after Winter War."  
"Gin SUCKZ."

Right. Well then.

It seems as though little Short Captain has an issue with every member of the Guardian 13. Why? I don't know. It makes me wonder if he was a girl in his past life and is now suffering ghostly menstrual cramps or whatever...

About Renji: "Holy freaking damn. I just want to cut out his eyeballs, cut off his hair, and put his hair on the underside of Ikkaku's sword thing as a decoration! He annoys me to no end! And not to mention that I really do hate it when he tries to get in touch with his primitive side, which is, as usual, ALL THE TIME. Why can't he just be normal like everybody else?! Oh wait. I forgot. That's too much to ask of a street rat." Well. That was a bit harsh. Renji does act primitive, but he wasn't the one who passed out wearing only a loincloth in that one episode with me and Kira getting drunk...That was quite the memorable experience.

About Shuuhei and Kaname: "Tattooing your preferred position on your face does not guarantee partners. Also, it's probably not a very good idea to throw stuff at Kaname. He will know. I don't know how." Well, yes, that's very true, but Shuuhei was young and drunk and besides, he copied off Kensei's chest. Not like I'd know how Shuuhei got a glimpse of Kensei's very sexy chest...I mean, I would do it too if I loved Kensei! Not to say that Shuuhei's gay or anything. No way.

About Kira: "Kira is Gin's bitch." ...

About Byakuya: "I DO NOT LIKE HIM! He scares the living daylights out of me! And yet it was just misfortune that I had to be the one who got assigned to feeding him..." Who likes Byakuya? Except Hisana, because she was probably high out of her mind when they got married, and Rukia, but she's his sister, so...

About Nanao and Kyouraku: "She is actually quite nice. However, I do wish she would stop making comments about me during the Shinigami Women's Association. Comments of the negative effect. I learn this from Matsumoto, who tells me often when she is drunk. Kyouraku is a lazy ass who does nothing but sit on his backside all day and drink to kingdom come." Do I really? I'm quite sorry if I tell him about the comments from the SWA...they're supposed to be confidential.

About Hinamori and Aizen: "Let's just say she got that nickname, Bed-Wetter, for a reason. A very unpleasant reason that has scarred me for life. Aizen is a total pimp who is using Gin and Kira. At the same time." Okay. Too much information there. I don't want to know how you know these things. Well, then again, I'm assuming that he never wanted anybody to read this...but, of course, he is forgetting that Gin is the ultimate Diary-Finder...

About Omaeda and Soi Fong: "He is so fat, it makes me want to throw up. That guy should beam himself down to Mexico so he can have a fattest-person-in-the-world contest with that one dude from Mexico. She's gay. I know she is." I wasn't even aware that Hitsugaya was culturally aware of what went on in Mexico. Nor was I aware that he was aware about Soi Fong's sexual orientation.

About Yachiru and Kenpachi: "Do not give Yachiru candy. Ever. Also, Kenpachi needs to get his own bitch. I believe that this show of strength is just a way of trying to attract someone to him." AWW, that's not true Taichou! You know, giving Yachiru candy makes her so happy that it makes you feel happy too! Of course, you're grumpy all the time, so...

About Nemu and Mayuri: "They're both freaks! Nemu must have been produced asexually, because there is no freaking way on this earth that Mayuri could coax someone into sleeping with him. Even without his attachments, he STILL looks freaky! And what's up with that huge nail? Wouldn't it poke an eye out sooner or later?" I thought we were supposed to be accepting of everybody. That's what you always tell ME when I get all fussy about who's going out with who and why they shouldn't. You said that at Byakuya's and Hisana's wedding, even though I was about to stand up and object when I had a perfectly long seven pages of reasons WHY they should not have gotten married! But no. You forced me to sit back down, and look what happened to them afterwards! She died, and he became a cannibal!

About Jyushirou and the dead Kaien: "Kaien was just asking to be killed and then reincarnated. And Jyushirou...I do not appreciate his attempts to give me candy. There may be something in the candy that I will not like. And it will kill me. Heaven forbid. I would not want to be killed by a walnut allergy attack because there were walnuts in the candy that Jyushirou gave me. I do not like him either. He is forever trying to kill me." I never knew that was on Kaien's list of wishes...

About Unohana and Isane: "Erm...is there anything to say? They're just boring!" They're not boring! They're quite cool once you get to know them!

About Yamamoto and Chojiro: "Yamamoto serves bad tea." Well, then don't go to his tea parties! No matter how often he asks!

About Komamura and Iba: "Komamura is a dog. Isn't he supposed to be man's best friend? And yet he is constantly trying to bite off people's heads when they annoy him..." Komamura is actually a species of wolf...Wolves aren't man's best friend are they? And I thought you were a BOY...

And finally,

About Matsumoto: "There are so many things wrong with her that I don't even know where to begin. First of all, I want her to apologize for knocking me out of the way with her ginormous boob that first time we met when she was getting all fussy about the cashier dropping the change on the counter. And then she accused me of being a nancy boy! Is there something wrong with this picture? Not to mention that she gets all fussy when other people get married. She always finds some reasons to object to the marriage, and often brings along a seven page list of reasons why the people should not get married. She did this at Byakuya and Hisana's wedding. I believe she is the cause of why their relationship did not last very long. Yes. Also, Matsumoto has a tendency to keep secrets from me, even secrets that could be detrimental to the world. Like that time when she brought me a damaged teacup with tea in it, the teacup fell apart, stained my paperwork, and thus I could not turn in the HIGHLY IMPORTANT paperwork, because it was DAMAGED! Also, I do wish she'd start wearing more modest outfits. Though I think this is below her."

I'm offended, Taichou! How dare you write such nasty things about me! Half of those things are not even true! I didn't know about the damaged teacup! Well, not on a conscious level, at least! And I never called you a nancy boy! I was just IMPLYING it! I didn't say it to your face because I knew you'd have self esteem issues and then you'd have to live in that one shack in Rukongai with your grandmother for the rest of your life because you couldn't call out Hyorinmaru because you would have self esteem issues if I had called you a nancy boy then! I was just saying you should stick up for yourself! Is that too much to ask of a future Captain?

Goodness gracious. He doesn't put these things on the Internet. Well, he should! Because, you know, in America, there's like this amendment that says freedom of the press. And he is suppressing that freedom of the press!

Anyway, Gin is still giggling over in the corner. It turns out that he was not, in fact, giggling over the content of this journal, which has many more chapters and which I will not bother to read right now because it would be a complete and utter waste of my time, but he was giggling over the latest episode in the Hueco Mundo Cup on Youtube. The Hueco Mundo Cup is this funny series on Youtube where these people voice over the voices in the Hueco Mundo arc. Of course, Gin's been beamed up from Hueco Mundo for the sole purpose of watching the new episode of the Hueco Mundo Cup.

Anyway, in other news:

**Michael Jackson, the first man to screw himself, with himself, is now suing himself, for molesting himself. **

**And let's go on to weather, Kim!**

**_Sunday  
November 30  
Urahara's Shop/Our Temporary Home  
Rangiku Matsumoto, Now Reluctant Lieutenant of the 10th Division_**

* * *

**A challenge issued by Regina Slytherin.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! OR ME AND MATSUMOTO WILL MAKE YOU HAVE SELF ESTEEM ISSUES AND WE WILL BRING A SEVEN PAGE LONG LIST OF REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD NOT GET MARRIED TO THE MAN/WOMAN YOU LOVE THE MOST! AND WE SHALL OBJECT!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Matsumoto. (notice I changed it? Because it's in Matsumoto's POV this chapter. I also changed the entry thing! Did you notice?)**


	32. The Origin of Kenpachi's Scar

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Soul Society Spoofs and another Bleach videos by Sehanort are actually pretty good.**

**Sadie Hawkins this weekend! **

**Daily Advice: If you need to go see a counselor for schedule changes, go the day before you need to go see him/her. Otherwise you won't be able to get in the next day because there'll be way too many people there.**

* * *

HOLY FREAKING SHIT.

That's all I have to say.

I am in deep shock right now. I cannot believe that Gin, GIN, had managed to find that copy of the journal! I never knew the results could be quite so calamatous! If that's not a word, please accept it as one. Because I am in such a great state of shock that I cannot even know where to begin. And my little head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about here.

Right. Well, as you all shall know by now unless you haven't read chapter 41 for some reason, Matsumoto found my journal. Well, alright. Gin found it, read it, and then gave it to Matsumoto to read. The journal, as you should be well aware of, contained personal information! It's, like, the second most important document in the world today! The first one being the Declaration of Independence.

But anyway, that journal was the hard copy of this story that you are reading right now. And...it contained some material that I haven't posted on here because I don't want to get flames from fangirls who like the other characters or whatever. But it was a journal, a PRIVATE journal. I cannot believe that Gin would have the audacity to do something like that! (Well, then again, this is the same person who installs webcams into innocent people's houses so that he can watch them do whatever they do at seven at night...)

It appears as though my drawing abilities have still not improved...but that is just plain offensive. To have Matsumoto mistake Hyorinmaru for a spork. Again. What is with people and sporks? I was not even aware that Matsumoto was so culturally aware that she knew what sporks even were! And since when does Gin watch Hueco Mundo Cup? That's just degrading to himself. Oh wait. I forgot. He's a masochist. He loves self deprecation.

And it is true! Gin and Nnoitra ARE going to rape every little boy in the world! I don't know how they're going to pull that off, but mark my words, they WILL pull it off. They're very dangerous and should be inspected immediately!

I just want to say something. I was not a girl in my past life. I repeat, I was not a girl in my past life. I am not cranky. I am just indifferent and not willing to show emotion unless it is absolutely required. I do not suffer from ghostly menstrual cramps. I repeat, I am not a girl.

And on another point, I just want to let you all know that my opinions are perfectly valid and have been supported throughout the course of this story. For example, we all know that Renji wants to get in touch with his primitive side, as shown with the "Gruntspeak" chapter and the "Thanksgiving Special aka www dot WHATTHEFUCK dot com." I believe we all can testify to Renji's being a complete and utter barbarian that should never have set foot in the Gotei 13 in the first place.

On the point of Shuuhei and Kaname: It's true! Isn't it? I mean, Shuuhei obviously wanted to get laid. So he decided, 'Oh yeah, I'll just go and tattoo this perverse number on my face, regardless of which innocent little children it will scar, and hope that someone decides to do it with me!' And don't give me all that shit about Kensei, Matsumoto! We all know that Kensei's long been out of the Gotei 13! At that rate, Shuuhei's never gonna get a partner. Unless it's Renji, because, as we all know, Renji is still trying to get in touch with his primitive side, and he might confuse the position 69 as a tribal thing only done in the far outreaches of Madagascar or something to that effect...And yes. I believe I am well justified on the issue of Kaname. If you throw things at him, he does know. Once I threw a wadded up ball of paper at him during a Captain's meeting...let's say that that did not go very well. Of course, I blamed it on Kenpachi, who was sleeping at the time, so...you know...And people wonder how he got that ugly scar on his face...

About Kira: "Well, it's true! Kira IS Gin's bitch! I mean, who else would sleep with that little emo whiny bitch? And Kira has currently replaced Ulquiorra for the title of Emo Whiny Bitch. Ulquiorra's not emo, and he's not whiny. He can be bitchy, yes, but he doesn't whine. He just says 'Trash' a lot and loves to make detours to landfills to watch the process of trash flow...

I have nothing to say about Byakuya. I have proved my point in several chapters of this story. As you will know from the Byakuya cracks, which all stemmed off of real life experience.

Nanao is nice. Except she's a copier. A copier of that Vizard Lisa or whatever. I mean, I suppose you have to have a role model in your life. But to have a role model who dresses in a SAILOR suit? Come on! This is Bleach! Not One Piece or any other crap like that! Plus we've already had a One Piece character in this! We don't need to have another one! And Kyouraku is the laziest asshole I have ever seen in my entire life. Yeah. I said a bad word. Whatcha gonna do about it, HUH?

Hinamori's bed-wetting experience was not very pleasurable. Needless to say, I would rather sleep on the roof or in a freaking cardboard box. Just so that I didn't have to sleep with her. Of course, I still had to, because my Grandma said that she would not have me sleeping in a cardboard box because I could get AIDs from that cardboard box...speaking of AIDS, did you know it's World AIDS month this month? Aizen is a pimp. He did Gin and Kira at the same time. The SWA circulated pictures of it. God...that was DISGUSTING.

Omaeda's unhealthy weight has made me throw up on several occasions. I mean, that guy's BMI is like, what, 65? And that's not a good BMI either...it's like if you're 25 or under, then you're healthy. But to be 65?! That's like Oprah Winfrey! Who, by the way, went on a diet, lost a bunch of weight, gained it all back, and repeated the process another time. Soi Fong has to be gay. What sane man would have sex with her?

At the rate Yachiru's going, she's going to develop Type II diabetes by 2012. But since the world is scheduled to end then, I suppose it doesn't matter...I don't even know if Soul Society is going to be affected, seeing as how we're not technically part of your world...And we've already discussed why I don't like Kenpachi.

Nemu and Mayuri. I have nothing more to say. But I think we can all agree that they are FreakAZoids from another planet? Oh, and by the way, in the standings, Nnoitra Jiruga has replaced Mayuri Kurotsuchi as Bleach's Japanese Michael Jackson. Just thought I'd let you guys know.

Jyushirou and Kaien: Yes. Kaien always wanted to die and be reincarnated as an Arrancar. No joke. I saw his Christmas list that one time.

Unohana and Isane: They ARE boring!

Yamamoto and Chojiro: His tea is, like, rancid. And I can't refuse him. Otherwise I'll get kicked out of the only paying job I'm qualified for!

Komamura and Iba: Wolves are a type of dog...

And all those things I said about you, Matsumoto, were perfectly true and you KNOW IT! NOW STOP INTERRUPTING MY WONDERFUL STORY! THIS IS CALLED HITSUGAYA'S GUIDE TO HIGH SCHOOL FOR A REASON! You stupid ass...

Good. I'm glad we cleared all those issues up.

I am Hitsugaya Toushirou, and I approve this message.

**_December 1  
Monday  
Somewhere Over the Rainbow  
Hitsugaya_**

**Hope you guys liked!**

**Just so everybody knows, we are going to be doing a Christmas special in this story from Ulquiorra's POV. That ought to be good.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! OR ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL KICK YOU OUT OF THE ONLY PAYING JOB YOU ARE QUALIFIED FOR!!!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	33. The Mental Scarrage Chart

**Skyskater's Daily Note: I am taking French 1. So...Salut everybody! (That means, "Hey.")**

**My French name is Aline, pronounced Ah-Lean. You may now refer to me as Aline.**

**Daily Advice: Don't bring perfume into the locker rooms. It could fall out of your locker, break, and someone could cut open their foot. Deodorant is a much better way of keeping yourself smelling fresh.**

* * *

Right. I'm over the whole shock about Matsumoto reading my journal. And Gin as well. Apparently he has this sixth sense built in that allows him to find diaries/journals in any person's house, assuming said person has a diary. Mayuri is now conducting an extensive study complete with cameras under the toilet seat to prove that Gin's sixth sense is real. Although I don't know how installing cameras under the toilet is going to work out...

Of course, knowing my karma, since I'm over THAT specific shock, something just HAS to go wrong to make me even more shocked and mentally scarred than I already am. And I mean, this is SUPER mentally scarred. Not like the time when I was mentally scarred when I realized that Orihime had gotten Ulquiorra pregnant. Not like the time when I was mentally scarred after realizing that Kira was so silent because he had strong sexual urges, which we learned about two chapters ago. I mean, this is like Mental Scarrage on the 25th level. If that's even a level on the Mental Scarrage chart. I don't think it is. It only goes up to 10.

So, I'm sure you're all dying to know what this latest Mental Scarrage event was. It was bad. I mean, thank God they weren't a porn video, but still! Don't you guys have any decency? While there are people in the same house as you, wouldn't it be a good idea to LOCK some doors?! Apparently not for Ichigo and Yoruichi.

I was walking through the house looking for something to eat. Because Urahara never stores any of the good food in his fridge or pantry, he hides it all over the house for some unknown reason. What does he think? Someone is gonna break into his house, not steal any of the valuables, but head straight to the fridge? Well...then again, I suppose Omaeda might do that, but STILL! So I was looking for some good food to eat, something of the Lays persuasion, and I come upon Ichigo and Yoruichi fucking on the floor. I mean, what was I supposed to do?!

"Okay. What. The. Hell. Is. This." That's what I said. I was so shocked, I couldn't even make a sentence that was more than one word.

Ichigo, who clearly has gotten another woman pregnant, was all, "Uh, dude! WTF! You can't just walk in on people like that!  
And Yoruichi, who was having sex with Urahara a few chapters back, was all, "Yeah. A little privacy wouldn't kill you. But if you wanna join in..."

And then Ichigo, not even letting me say that I was not sexually active, was all, "Don't go getting any ideas, there, little boy. If you wanna run with the big dogs, stop pooping like a puppy."

Then before I could think of a good comeback to this, Rukia walks in from the other room, three months pregnant, and she's all, "Ichigo! I need more water bottles to poke holes in for telescopes! E.T. said he was going to come any hour now! Where are y - OMFG." That's how shocked she was. The noble Kuchiki lady was so shocked she had to result to IMing terms. Then again, this is quite intelligent, compared to her brother...

Soi Fong beamed herself down from Soul Society into that room at that precise minute, while everybody was standing, or, in Ichigo's and Yoruichi's case, lying, around, in complete shock, and she was all, "Lady Yoruichi! You said you needed me for - Holy shit piss crap motherfucker bitchslap and tits. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!" You know, I never knew it was possible to use that many cuss words in one sentence and still make perfect sense.

Ichigo, who clearly wanted to finish his foray, was all, "Okay. Who else is gonna interrupt me now? The mafia?"

Then something, much, much worse than the Mafia came...

"Ichigo Kurosaki. Round 2 begins so...HAVE YOU NO SHAME, BOY?!" Byakuya screeched. Yes. He is much worse than the Mafia.

Then Yoruichi, who just does not know when to shut up, was all, "Hey, Ichigo, did you know you're my first?" Yeah. Right. What a total liar.

Ichigo was all, "I am?" Clearly he must not remember that one porn video.

"What?" Soi Fong said, clearly shocked.

Everybody stared at Ichigo and Yoruichi. But mostly at Yoruichi. Surprisingly, Urahara was strangely absent from this whole hubbub...

"Well, guy anyway." That's what Yoruichi said. And then I just had to step forward and open my big mouth...  
"But you and Urahara, and me, and that porn video where I was wearing that fugly jacket..."  
"Well, yeah, but see, I'm kind of weird," (no kidding) "so my hymen regrows when I change into a cat and then change back, so technically Ichigo is my first guy."

Then everybody had a massive nosebleed, and let's just say that the hospital had quite a few more rooms occupied. With the exception of Soi Fong and Yoruichi. Not surprising. Since they're clearly both lesbian.

After we came back from the hospital, Ichigo was all, "No fucking way! Are you kidding me?!"  
Then Soi Fong, who was having a mental breakdown because she thought Yoruichi, who was never going out with her in the first place, was cheating on her and their nonexistent relationship: "How could you do this to me, Lady Yoruichi!"

Then, of course, being the peacemaker that I am and feeling much more clearheaded after two bags of blood, I said, to Yoruichi, "I always wondered what your sexual orientation was. Of course, I was not quite sure if you were lesbian or straight, so I assumed you were bi. And I was right. So, if anybody needs me, I'll be in one of three places: in a mental institution, in a closet, crying because I've just been Mentally Scarred on the 25th level of the Mental Scarrage chart, or owning noobs on Halo 3 or Counterstrike as always."

Then I made my grand exit. Of course, I did all three of those things, in the span of one day. So...I've had a pretty productive day so far. I just really, really REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY hope that nothing else happens that's so bad that it's a 26 on the Mental Scarrage chart...otherwise my brain will explode.

I think I must be the most mentally scarred person on the face of this Earth.

**_December 2  
Tuesday  
Owning Noobs on Halo 3/Counterstrike  
Hitsugaya_**

**This was a challenge done for Assault Godzilla. About Hitsugaya walking in on Yoruichi and Ichigo. Do me a favor, you guys, and go check out Raising Zaera if you're interested in Szayel.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! OR ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL DO SOMETHING TO YOU THAT IS SO BAD THAT IT IS A TWENTY-SEVEN ON THE MENTAL SCARRAGE CHART!!!**

**Buh-bye!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	34. Sexual Harrassment Panda

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Lollipops. Otherwise known as cavities on a stick.**

**Sadie Hawkins' is tomorrow! Wooot!**

**Daily Advice: Keep in shape over the summer, or your first day of PE will make you very sore. Like me.**

* * *

This story has, as of now, reached 500 reviews, which is half of our revised URG goal. Or Ultimate Review Goal, for all those of you who are just too damn lazy to go and read all the chapters instead of skimming over them. This is a freaking good story. So you'd better read it! Instead of just skimming it. Don't treat it like a textbook.

Actually, I was walking home from school, and this guy, who was on a bike, he was biking, right, and his textbook fell out of his backpack. His World Geography textbook. So it fell, and I did not call out to him that he had dropped a book. But he turned and looked over his shoulder, as if to make sure that it fell. It was actually pretty funny. But I wonder what he'll think when he gets home and realizes that he's a book short? Those textbooks aren't exactly cheap, ya know!

Right. Well. Now let's move on with this somewhat pointless story.

* * *

Basically, it's kind of boring right now. And when things are boring, I think we all know what's going to happen: Something bad is going to happen to me. Of course it is. That's the way it always is! When I go and do boring things, like go and buy some rice balls from the vendor and the guy happens to drop the change on the counter, I get knocked out of the way by a massive appendage and then am accused of being a nancy boy by a woman! That is just offensive! Not to mention I was crying because that knock to the side freaking HURT. Jesus. It's like, she has bones in her boobs or something. Or just wears iron plated bras, just in case somebody tries to punch them or whatever.

Anyway, as one of us is aware of, it shall be my birthday quite soon. December 20, for all of those who are not aware or just don't plain care about me whatsoever. Which you should care about me. I am one of the sanest people you shall ever meet. Because, frankly, it's freaking true! I'm not drunk one half to one third of the time, I don't attempt to make intellectual conversation that doesn't actually make sense, I am not in touch, and would prefer not to be in touch, with my primitive side, I am not a cannibal, I am not a pregnancy counselor for a pregnant MAN, I do not eat humans, I do not bring blocks of trash to Thanksgiving potlucks, I do not watch out for the Mothership on starry nights using water bottle telescopes, I do not install cameras under people's toilet seats, I do not find diaries and read them out loud over the intercom, I do not lie about broken teacups, I DO know Komamura's true species, I do not have nine types of STDs, I do not have a phobia of peanut butter, I am not a vegetarian, and even if I was, I wouldn't try to hide it, I actually CAN cook, I do not take classes at the Community Center to find my Zen in making rice balls, I do not make vile concoctions under the name of chocolate, I do not fight tooth and nail over a pregnant goldfish, I do not buy several hundred thousand dollars worth of Hello Kitty merchandise, AND, last of all, I am not created by an evil scientist who probably reproduced me asexually.

So, compared to all that, I'm fairly normal. I say fairly because I've already been scarred too much by the Mental Scarrage chart, which I believe sarahlilly95 is creating, to be actually normal.

Anyway, one of Byakuya's latest attempts at intelligent conversation was when we were in English. He doesn't usually come to school, being that he can't resist eating at least one of the students or staff, but for some reason, he was here today. Maybe Szayel gave him a human to eat before he came here. So we were studying grammar and stuff (as if we need that. Look at George Bush. He has horrendous grammar, and HE became President of the Free World! What's up with that?) and then Byakuya stood up and was all,

"Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?" Let us analyze that sentence for a moment. If you're a stickler, you probably think the singular verb "is" should have been the plural "are," but if you read it closely, you'll see we're using the intransitive plural subjective tense. So the word "is" are correct."

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight. I think Byakuya's been hanging around Renji too much...

Anyway, the teacher was all, "Alright...hey, wait. Since when did you get in this class?"  
Byakuya got all flustered and he said, "I like you?" Because he didn't know how to answer that question.

Then the teacher said, "You little ass-sucker."

Byakuya was all, "WHAT?"

Then the teacher took the time to explain what an ass-sucker was in great detail: "You're an ass-sucker. You see an ass, you suck it. You suck asses. You're an ass-sucker."

And Byakuya said, "I am SUING YOU FOR SEXUAL HARRASSMENT!"

So basically a whole tussle ensued over whether the teacher really was a sexual harrasser like Michael Vicks with the dogs, except not. And, well, let's just say that the teacher won. Because Byakuya could not push enough sparks along his brain wires to actually come up with a good argument. You know how it is...Those nobles. They think they're SO superior. But without us commoners, you know what they would be? That's right! The smallest fucking province in the Russian empire! So, nobles, before you think about shunning us, think about where you would be without people like me!

Except, of course, people can't be provinces. Unless they're really huge. Like Omaeda. Hell, he eats what a small country produces in a YEAR. So he could definitely be a province. Maybe one of those small provinces in Africa that nobody knows how to spell.

**This program has been brought to you by Hachi's Magical Dishwashing Liquid. One drop cleans ten thousand dishes!**

**_December 4  
Thursday  
I never knew we were sponsored...but currently on Candy Mountain  
Hitsugaya_**

**I couldn't resist the Magical Dishwashing Liquid. Sorry.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! OR ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL MAKE YOU THE SMALLEST FUCKING PROVINCE IN THE RUSSIAN EMPIRE!**

**Buh-bye!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	35. Ukitake's Suspected Stretch Marks

**Skyskater's Daily Note: So...I was cleaning out my pool filter, and I found a FUCKING BLACK WIDOW in there. **

**Okay. I didn't get bitten, so I'm all good. But still! Jesus H. Christ! I'm scared of spiders...and this thing was...HUGE...We caught it in a wine bottle and currently it is trying to "escape" while getting drunk off wine fumes...**

**Daily Advice: Always be careful of black widows. They are very poisonous.**

* * *

Anyway, Skyskater forced me and the rest of the gang to go to the Sadie Hawkins dance with her and her date. Her date was basically this tall, white, water polo playing dude that, seriously, just does not know how to loosen up. AT ALL. All her friends were like dancing with each other, and she's dancing, and he's just standing there. Like a freaking pole. I mean, isn't that the point of a DANCE? TO dance?

Right. But the dance wasn't that great. I don't see what Skyskater thought was so great about it. Other than the fact that she liked her date. But not with great intensity. You know how that is? Where you hate someone, but you don't want to say you hate them, so that it's like, "I dislike them with the great burning passion of ten thousand suns." or something like that.

The theme for the dance was Jungle Frenzy, so people were all dressed up, and I mean, like GOING ALL OUT, in jungle stuff. Like there were people dressed up as Indiana Jones (I thought he was a cowboy?), Pebbles and Bam-Bam (from The Flintstones or whatever it is), The Lion and the Lion Tamer (so not following the theme...that's, like, circus), and The Lost Boys Pajama Posse. Of course, not like I dressed up or anything. That would have been just wrong. You know, I have to preserve my self image.

And of course, since she was bringing me with her, Skyskater just HAD to bring along Renji and everybody else, too. And we're talking about RENJI here. Okay? Renji, who is trying to get in touch with his primitive side, should NEVER be allowed to a dance where the theme is Jungle Frenzy. Because God knows the chaperones and administrators would still let him in even if he was just wearing a leopard skin loincloth or something like that and dressed like Tarzan. Because, you know, it IS part of the theme.

But no. He wasn't wearing a loincloth. He went all out. He dressed up in a freaking GORILLA SUIT, with faux fur and everything that he probably cut off those feathery black boas you see at department stores in the fashion section. I mean, when I first saw him, I didn't even know it was him. That's how bad it was. And then, Byakuya, who was thankfully wearing some clothes (I think Renji and Byakuya hang out together WAYYY too much...but I suppose that's how it is because Soul Society wasted all our money that we were going to use to buy bigger office spaces to beam Gin, Aizen, and Tousen down to Hueco Mundo! That's why us Captains can't have separate offices from our Lieutenants! I think Soi Fong and I can vouch for that, seeing as how I'm not a huge fan of Matsumoto and her immoral dressing and she's not a big fan of Omaeda's rice crackers.)

And then, as if to make the dance even worse, all the songs were pretty much rap and hip hop. And there was only one slow song, which, as we all know, is the main reason people go to dances in the first place! But yeah. It was pretty depressing.

Okay. On with this story.

After I got back from the dance, with Renji the Gorilla in tow, Urahara refused to let me in his shop/my temporary house because I was bringing along an illegal alien from Mexico. Right. And yet, he let Chad in. But then again, Urahara is the same person who is going to send Chad off to "America" cough cough Hueco Mundo to die a fatal and brutal death with Ichigo there eventually. Because let's face it.

Barragan is going to get them all pregnant. I don't know how. And then going to hand them off to Szayel for scientific purposes.

Halibel is going to stuff them into the outline of her sword and use them for chopping vegetables. Renji has a strong dislike of leeks, and Halibel is probably going to chop leeks with her sword, because for some reason girls are oddly attracted to leeks.

Stark is...erm...going to be Stark and make them be his slaves while he sits around and does nothing.

Ulquiorra is going to make them buy him multiple lawnchairs and then sew them into hats for him. He's also going to make them polish his mask, sharpen his horn, wash his clothes, bring him trash blocks from the landfill, all that other demanding stuff that pregnant males tend to do. Ukitake says it's very normal. Although I don't want to know how HE knows, specifically...Maybe I should ask him if he has stretch marks? Oh wait. No. I don't want to see that. God. I just had a really bad mental image of Ukitake with stretch marks...Excuse me while I go throw up.

I'm back. Nnoitra is probably going to rape them all. At the same time. You know, multiple arm thingy. And freakishly long tongue that could be...ahem...used for inappropriate purposes...

Grimmjow is going to infect them with STDs, which they will eventually die of, because they are all human and will die of the STDs eventually...

Zommari is going to use that freaky eye thing and control them all so that they all kill each other because they are under his control. And, unlike Byakuya, they are not insane enough to cut their own limbs. Because then they'd be emo, and that's "not cool."

Szayel is going to impregnate them all with Gabriel, except he's going to make a lesser life form impregnate them, and then video tape and make notes of the delivery. For "scientific purposes." And then he's going to make Il Forte (poor guy, I can't believe the two are related) give the screaming little demons their shots while he examines the afterbirth. Right...although I suppose giving babies shots isn't as bad as video taping and making notes on deliveries...but Il Forte was a pretty emotional guy. Emotional enough to be beaten up by an eight year old...

Aaroniero Arrurerie or however the hell you spell his name, is going to pretend to be a loved one of theirs and then kill them. Which would pretty much suck, you know?

And Yammy would eat them. Because that guy is never satisfied.

Of course, Chad still thinks he's going to get to go to America. The only way he's ever going to get there is if he swims across the Pacific Ocean. I wish him the best of luck with that pursuit....

**_December 6  
Saturday  
Outside, freezing...Oh Wait. Hyorinmaru's an ice type sword...why am I freezing? Stupid global warming.  
Hitsugaya_**

**Hope ya liked!**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL MAKE SZAYEL IMPREGNATE YOU WITH GABRIEL WITH A LOWER LIFE FORM, AND THEN HE WILL TAKE NOTES AND MAKE A VIDEO OF THE DELIVERY! IT WILL SCARE YOU!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	36. King Kong: Featuring Renji

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Szayel has NOT, in fact, replaced Byakuya. Just so you know. He is just a mere...hmm...challenger to Byakuya's supreme reign as Most Disgusting and Freaking Weird Character In This Story.**

**Except Byakuya's not a pregnancy counselor.**

**Daily Advice: Never drop your cell phone in the locker room. Your cell phone charm could break.**

* * *

I cannot believe I'm writing this, because I do not want to be affiliated with any of these people at this point in time. But, sadly, I have to be. Because Rukia, all drugged up on rage pills, went and told the authorities that I am actually here with Renji and Byakuya and all those other people.

Anyway, I'm standing outside Urahara's Shop with everybody else, and pretty much the whole freaking town of Karakura. It just so happens that Urahara took it upon himself to install a mini Empire State Building on the top of his shop so that it would be recognizable from far away. A mini Empire State Building was all it took to give him the title of "Highest Building Owner" in Karakura Town. And then Renji, because he's stupid and just freaking weird, decided to do something that I shall never forgive him for...

Remember that gorilla suit he wore to the dance the other day because the theme was Jungle Frenzy and everything? Yeah. So he decided to climb up on that mini Empire State Building like freaking KING KONG. I...I honestly have nothing to say to that.

But get this: He has Szayel up there with him. Szayel the Pinkette, Szayel the Freak, Szayel the Pregnancy Counselor, Szayel the MAN, yeah, he's up there with Renji. And he did not WANT to go, he wanted to stay on the ground and counsel Ulquiorra on what he should do with morning sickness and what not. But nooo...Renji just dragged him up there with him, because apparently, he confused Szayel for a grown-up version of Yachiru that was not all that endowed up top.

And then to make things even worse, before Renji decided to drag Szayel up there, said Pink Haired Freak decided to juggle rocks to appease Renji, because, well, you know, he was going all bananas (not a pun, people) over something or other. It's pretty hard to remember what, exactly, but I think he was angry because he was deprived of snapping that one dinosaur's jaw, like in the actual movie. I actually did not know that Renji was capable of sitting through a three hour primitive movie without snapping the movie screen because he wanted to get more in touch with his "primitive side." But somehow he did. And...well, you can see where that got him.

Dear God. I would be laughing really, really hard if I hadn't been associated with Renji. But all these reporters are coming up, flashing these camera bulbs at me, and they're all, "So, Hitsugaya! What are your feelings about this? How do you feel about your friend climbing up the Empire State Building? Do you have any idea what your friend's motives are for this unreasonable action?"

Unreasonable is a very good word to use. Unreasonable. Of course, that may be an understatement, seeing as how this is, like, unreasonable to the twenty-seventh degree. I mean, I can understand Byakuya eating dead flesh, because...he's just like that, but Renji climbing up a mini Empire State Building to act out his primitive fantasies...with SZAYEL, no less?! Of course, I suppose that's better than that obese man in Mexico who just married an obese woman...seriously, those two couldn't get intimate if they wanted to. He gets on top of her, and just crushes her already. Not to mention there's not a bed strong enough to hold their weight...

But yeah. Renji's up there on the top of the Empire State Building, refusing to get down, and Szayel has...well, it looks like Szayel has already passed out. I don't blame him.

Matsumoto is laughing her ass off. I have no idea why SHE'S not associated with Renji.  
Ikkaku is considering shooting himself.  
Yumichika is busy checking his makeup and feathers in that small square compact mirror he always uses, and he's busy getting himself on Human TV.  
Urahara is just gaping in complete shock, because I do not think that he had ever intended for that mini Empire State Building to be used in such a manner.  
Yoruichi is...well, being Yoruichi and having sex with some random guy on the ground, and telling him that he's her first. That guy must not watch any porn videos.  
Byakuya is curled up on the ground in the fetal position and "trying to find a happy place" while his Lieutenant embarrasses himself to no end.  
Ulquiorra is just staring up and saying, "Trash." What else does he do?  
Grimmjow is pursuing some woman through the crowd, probably trying to get another form of STDs.  
Gin is taping this with a video camera - WAIT, WHY IS GIN HERE?! - to put on Youtube.  
Rukia is facepalming herself. The baby in her stomach probably is too. Please, God, don't let Renji be the godfather or uncle or any relative whatsoever to that poor child.  
Ichigo is shielding Rukia's eyes from the "inappropriate activities going on up there." Seriously. I think Renji might commit an act of necrophilia sometime soon...well, that is, if Szayel is dead at that point. Or rape while he's unconscious. Whatever.  
Chad is being Chad and asking Ichigo when they're going to get to America.  
Ishida is contemplating sewing a gorilla outfit for his father. Right...because Ryuuken is, of course, the most logical person you'd want to see wearing a gorilla suit...  
Orihime is being Orihime and clinging to Ulquiorra very posessively while eating hardboiled eggs with green onions and honey...

And, oh great. Now the Japanese military has just sent out some fighter airplane force, thingies, whatever you call them, and they are currently shooting at Renji and Szayel with those little dart guns or whatever. At this point, I wouldn't blame Szayel for being passed out; he was used as a shield for Renji and now he currently has at least twenty of those little colored darts stuck in his back.

But, oh dear God, Renji has been hit! Once, twice, too many times to count! And he is currently falling off the top of the mini Empire State Building, which is only, like, a twenty foot drop and certainly much less than he's fallen in his lifetime, and it's like in slow motion...or, as Byakuya so eloquently put it, "That Lieutenant of mine is so slow, even when he's falling down it takes him an eternity. I could reenact Sexual Harrassment Panda all over again just waiting for him to fall down."

Then once he hits the cement, everybody's all rushing over there, except Yoruichi and that random dude, who are still fucking, and this one reporter comes up and draws a chalk outline around Renji...for some reason, someone caught Szayel as he was falling and so there was no need for a chalk outline to be done for him, because he never actually made contact with the ground. But anyway, there's a chalk outline on the ground now in front of Urahara's Shop, Renji has been rushed to the hospital, and, well, for some reason that I cannot fathom there's this kid who's standing outside my temporary home drawing features of a gorilla onto the chalk outline...pretty accurate ones, too. God, if Renji ever gets his sanity back, I'm going to use this picture that I've taken of that chalk outline as blackmail....

**_December 7  
Sunday  
Laughing my Ass Off - LMAO  
Hitsugaya_**

**I can't remember who suggested this, but whoever it was, THANKS! I was cracking up while writing this!**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! OR ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL MAKE RENJI THE GORILLA TAKE YOU UP TO THE TOP OF A (MINI) EMPIRE STATE BUILDING AND THEN FALL IN SLO MO ALL THE WAY DOWN!!! AND WE SHALL DRAW A CHALK OUTLINE AROUND YOU AND ADD VERY UGLY AND YET REALISTIC FEATURES!!!!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	37. One Hundred Percent Banana Juice

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Hey, for all those of you who want to write a story with Yylfordt Grantz as one of the main characters (Szayel's older brother) you will now notice that he has been added to the character's list. How, you ask? Well, let me tell ya. I DID IT! I EMAILED THE ADMINS AND GOT THEM TO PUT YYLFORDT ON THERE! EVERYBODY, BOW DOWN TOWARD THE QUEEN OF AWESOMENESS!**

**Ahem. This is a triumph in my life.**

**Daily Advice: When emailing admins of this website, use their first names. If you don't know their first names, guess. The guy who's in charge of categories/characters' names is Zack.**

* * *

We all went and visited Renji in the hospital after school today. Of course, I had no wish to be even further affiliated with him by showing up at his bedside, but you know. Urahara wanted me to. I mean, it was either that or attempt to scrub off the chalk outline that is shadowing Urahara's nonexistent doorstep. I think that kid did it in permanent Sharpie or something, because that damn outline will not come off.

Anyway, this is a fully un-proofread chapter because the damn author over there (point furiously at Skyskater) is still congratulating herself over managing to make the admins of this website put Yylfordt Grantz onto the list of characters. God. Like it was such a big accomplishment. It's not like she's won the Nobel Peace Prize or anything...

So, let me warn everybody that this chapter will not be censored in any way, shape or form. Of course, none of the chapters are censored in any way, shape or form....not like that makes any difference, right?

But for all those of you who have been too stupid to notice, MY BIRTHDAY IS IN TWELVE DAYS. SO GET ME SOMETHING!!! If you need assistance with what to get me because you've just been skimming the chapters and haven't been reading them properly, please ask the users satscout or Rachel Noelle for assistance. Let THEM be bombarded with PMs. Skyskater's email inbox doesn't need to be jammed any further.

Right. But it's pretty funny how I still have to attend school even though I have just suffered through many long and traumatic experiences. I mean, let's see here, people:

Walking in on people other than your parents having sex: Check.  
Hearing the complete and detailed process of the creation of a supposedly asexually reproduced organism AKA Nemu over the intercom: Check.  
Being affiliated with an insane person who shall remain unnamed, but climbed up the Empire State Building: Check.  
Having to deal with a pregnant man and his equally unordinary pregnancy counselor: Check.  
Having my ice sculpture used in drinks during Thanksgiving: Check.  
Watching someone enact Sexual Harrassment Panda: Check.

So you'd think school would be the LEAST of my worries, right? But nooooo...instead of being allowed to stay home after the traumatic experience of watching Renji climb up the mini Empire State Building that stupid Urahara erected on top of his shop so his shop would be part of the Japanese skyline with Szayel, then using said pink haired freak as a shield from several multicolored darts, then being shot down by the militia while Byakuya makes an outrageous claim that he could reenact Sexual Harrassment Panda during the time Renji was falling twenty feet, then making contact with the ground and having to draw a chalk outline around him, I have to go to school and learn about the precise location of Mantigua. I don't even know what continent Mantigua is on!

But we went and visited Renji in the hospital. Of course, it took like, fifty freaking minutes just to get inside the damn room, because this old guy with Alzheimer's and no aide was in front of us in line and kept forgetting where it was he was supposed to go. So he was all, "Okay, I'll go to room - er...room...hmm...what darned room was that again? Hmm...perhaps it was room 203? Or maybe...no, that's not right...Room 402? No...that doesn't have that same catchy ring either..."

And when the receptionist offered to help him, he shook her off and squawked, in this really old wheezy voice, "I can do it, young'un! Just because you're all snazzy with that plastic handbag and those blue nails don't mean I can't take care of myself!" Of course, said handbag was leather, but...well, you know.

So after that whole thing got sorted out (which resulted in quite a spectacular display of at least fifteen fire trucks and twenty police officers, who dragged the raving old man out while he was shouting curses about stupid plastic handbags), the receptionist finally let us in to see Renji. Of course, I had never wanted to in the first place, but you know how it is. Oh wait. No. Let me retract that previous statement. You DON'T know how it is, being forced to visit this lunatic in the hospital because he is in the hospital because he watched a primitive movie and decided to drag Szayel up the mini Empire State Building that was supposed to have been part of Japan's skyline but never quite made it and then he fell down because he got shot by the Japanese militia and made contact with the ground very slowly and then got a chalk outline drawn around him! You DON'T know what that's like! So everybody who claims, "Oh yeah, been there, done that," SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Right. So we went in, and guess what Renji was doing? Well, I mean, he was watching King Kong, for, like, the third time in the row, and demanding the nurse to get him more of those Welch's 100 percent All Banana Juice or whatever. Seriously. That's like the most fucked up advertising ploy ever. How do you get juice out of a banana? Unless it was a banana that never had to tinkle so badly in all its life....Okay, now that we have officially grossed you out to the point where you never want to eat a banana again, please let it be noted that even though Renji is incapacitated and is only allowed to remain in the bed, somehow the room got all trashed up. I really don't know how. It's like Ulquiorra came through with the contents of half a landfill. And then some.

You know, I really feel bad for the people who work here at the hospital.

One, they have to work with people like Renji and that raving old man back there, who I'm pretty sure was most likely, no, screw that, WAS indeed, a relative of Urahara Kisuke's. Because they get paid for doing that kind of crap.  
Two, they have to work with Renji, specifically. Because God knows he gets hurt every single time he attempts to fall down in slow motion.  
Three, they have to work with Renji. As if their jobs aren't bad enough.

God. Please, everybody, remind me never to get a job in the hospital. For anything whatsoever. Because I shall refuse and just kill all the people in the hospital so that I won't have to put up with all this crap. Oh wait. I forgot. I already DO PUT UP WITH ALL THIS CRAP. I FREAKING SHARE THE SAME HOUSE AS RENJI.

Okay. God, there is nothing more that I want for Christmas than Renji's head mounted on a silver platter....

**_December 8  
Monday  
Renji's Hospital Room...the hospital room number is 666. I wonder why.  
Hitsugaya_**

**I can just imagine Renji demanding more 100 percent All Banana Juice...that stuff seems to taste icky. I've never tried it, but it doesn't sound as though it tastes good.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! OR ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL TRASH UP YOUR HOSPITAL ROOM WHEN YOU ARE IN THE HOSPITAL AND WE WILL MAKE ULQUIORRA GO THROUGH YOUR HOSPITAL ROOM LIKE A WHIRLWIND WITH HALF A LANDFILL OF TRASH AND THEN SOME!**

**I don't even know why I put the flame threats up there. Nobody's flamed us...yet...BUT STILL! NO FLAMES!**

**Later.  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	38. Too Much Relient K

**Skyskater's Daily Note: The people on FictionPress are mean. I submitted a haiku a few days ago and nobody has reviewed it. Does nobody see the true genius??? (sighs and facepalms in the act of a highly misunderstood sensitive being)**

**Okay. I'm done being emo.**

**Daily Advice: Actually, I was wondering if you readers happen to know what would help me go to sleep. I appear to have mild insomnia (meaning I don't stay up the whole night, but that I can't go to bed until...what...12 o'clock at the earliest?) and I would like to know if there are any ways to get me to sleep earlier. My neighbors think I'm a freak. And please, suggest something that I can actually use, because I think my parents will be suspicious if I purchase St. John's-wort or something like that.**

* * *

Ten more days until my birthday. Of course, not that any of you would care. Except for satscout, who I believe is getting me a high end gift certificate to some cool place with a watermelon on the card. It would be highly appreciated if all of you could get me something of the like as well. NOT a huge stocking full of candy, because Ukitake's supplying that, candy that he knows that I will throw out. NOT a car, even though that would be a sweet gift, because I can't drive. YES, a Renji's head on a silver platter would be amazing. Not mounted up on a plaque, mind you. I don't want Renji in pursuit of his primitive desires when he's dead.

The Emocar is over there in the corner, naked and laughing to himself while all the rest of us are patiently trying to ignore him. Of course, that's quite hard since laughter echoes in this classroom. The teacher (brave soul) is trying desperately hard not to look at him, because, well, A) he's got tattoos on his face, and while they're not as extreme as Renji's, Renji is just freaking crazy, B) he's pregnant, and I'll bet she's trying to fathom WHY he has no boobs or why he has a dick and C) Well...he's naked. Of course, our French teacher might just have a fascination for naked pregnant guys...I really wouldn't know. Monsieur Cedrique or whatever his name is appears to be gay, although I am not going to go out there and test that theory. Szayel can, because I think we can all agree that he is gay. Heck, he even told Ulquiorra that the architecture for The Birthing Flower would probably be painted pink, because pink was a soothing and neutral color...(and a gay one too, at that)

Please note that the whole architecture thing about The Birthing Flower being pink is the result of Skyskater listening to too much Relient K. Specifically, I'm in Love with the 80s (Pink Tux to the Prom) and Manic Monday. So, now we shall carry on.

I can't believe we're even taking French. I mean, why am I taking French in the first place? I'm already speaking in English, I can already speak Japanese, why do I need to be trilingual? Jesus! What are the expectations these days? Back in my day, if you could speak, read, and write basic words, then you were all set! Seriously. And people wonder how Renji got into Seireitei...he could say, "My name is Renji. I like cats." And that is what landed him there in the first place.

Ichigo is looking wistfully at this one girl Sara...actually, I believe we have already introduced her. She's the new American transfer student that made her debut when Miss Itou came around...ugh. Even the thought of those rolls of lard makes me shudder...she could certainly give Omaeda a run for his money.

Rukia is staring out the window with a water bottle telescope and every few seconds, she's jumping up and saying, "Oh look! Did you see those blinking lights? It's the mothership trying to call me and my baby home!" And then she attempts to jump out the window. Of course, the window has iron reinforcements, which she apparently keeps forgetting, so she keeps crashing headfirst into the window.

Ikkaku is staring out the window and repeatedly saying that he has a premonition that something bad is going to happen today because the sky is blue.

Yumichika is straightening his feathers with the aid of his handy dandy little black compact mirror.

Chad is...being...well, Chad. And it appears as though he is writing several good-bye letters to his family to explain as to why he left Japan to go to Texas.

Keigo and Mizuiro have been gone quite a while...they left 30 minutes ago. However, there does appear to be odd noises coming from the bathroom down the hall...I believe Szayel should check that out. You know, in order to find out how two men copulate or some other scientific shit like that.

Orihime is busy guarding Ulquiorra and making sure that he gets his daily nutrients. Seriously. But feeding the poor man salami, tiramisu, and rancid yak butter is NOT going to make him any healthier. Actually, in Tibet, they make a tea out of salt and rancid yak butter or something like that. I threw up when I heard about that. Well, imaginarily, anyway.

Matsumoto is drunk. With Renji. And they are currently singing a song about Going round the mountain or some other stuff like that.

I am actually trying to learn, but I can't hear anything.

Skyskater is...well, I had no idea that Skyskater was even a character in this story. Oh, wait, of course, she's the authoress and my fate lies solely in her hands so I suppose that she can write herself into this story if she wants to. Well, anyway, she is over there in the corner of the classroom, Relient K blasting out of her headphones, and giggling to herself. How offensive. She appears to be writing a Demyx X Zexion fanfiction or something of the like. How dare she do that? When she is in this story herself?! MY story? She should NOT be writing a Kingdom Hearts Fanfiction while in MY story!

Oh, it appears as though she has decided to title it Francois and Espanol. Oh, shit, speaking of Francois, I had better pay attention if I want to get a good grade on my petite examen lecon un tomorrow...

**_December 10  
Wednesday  
Francois, Attempting to Learn Lecon Un  
Hitsugaya_**

**Petite examen lecon un means, literally, "Small exam for lesson one." in French. I'm taking French. And Francois and Espanol is a KH story I have written. So for all you KH fans, go check it out! It's Zemyx.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! OR ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL MAKE YOU DRINK A TEA OUT OF SALT AND RANCID YAK BUTTER!!!**

**Oh, and also, tips about insomnia remedies are also highly appreciated just in case you didn't read the Daily Advice section of my memo.**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	39. The Vizards' Trip to Australia

**Skyskater's Daily Note: In five chapters, this story has earned 106 reviews. This is amazing. Basically, we'll have one thousand reviews before April.**

**Here are the story stats as of last chapter: Words: 94,155. Chapters: 50. Reviews: 606. Hits: 20,637. C2s: 1. Faves: 78. Alerts: 51.**

**Daily Advice: Erm...hmm... Read my stories! Yeah! That's good advice!**

* * *

Nine days left until my birthday. NINE DAYS LEFT. Basically, this means if you don't get me something before nine days, you're pretty much screwed, I will not like you, and I shall ban you from this story. Well, of course, Skyskater won't, because she actually likes you guys, but I see you as nothing more than mere mortals who are completely and utterly deciding to waste my time.

My petite examen lecon un did not go at all well, even though I was attempting to learn. I mean, it went so badly that even RUKIA, who appeared to be taking a crash course in headbanging against wall reinforcements while pregnant, got a better score than me! Well, alright, I'll admit she wasn't even taking the class anyway and besides, Genrei or whatever that one Kuchiki dude's name is, forced her to learn it. Told her that if she didn't learn French, she couldn't join the Kuchikis' super secret elite club. With free complimentary scarves. I just want to know how Byakuya got into that club. Because, well, Byakuya doesn't speak French. The only three languages he speaks are, Japanese, Gruntspeak, and, on the rare occasion, English. Not exactly the gift of tongues there.

Well, Shinji and the rest of the Vizards (because I believe they are somewhat underappreciated in this story) came back from Australia yesterday. Yes, they went to Australia. I know I didn't mention this earlier, but...well, you know. I was kind of preoccupied trying to learn Lecon Un, which I didn't, and repeatedly wishing for someone to give me Renji's head on a silver platter for Christmas. But yes. They went to Australia for a vacation and came back.

Shinji - Still a freak as always. I really don't understand why fangirls think IchixShinji is cute. Seriously. That makes me want to throw up. Like HitsuGin, but maybe because that is actually WRONG?!

Love - Umm...he's as boisterous as always? Either he's gay with Rose, or gay with Szayel or that one other dude...Charlotte Coolhorn or whatever his name was where Yumichika and he had a fight about who was prettier...In my opinion, they were both fugly in the first place and both of them deserved to die. Except Yumichika is on our side, so I suppose we can hold off killing him for the time being.

Mashiro - Still a stupid fool with fucking green hair. That hair CANNOT be natural. I mean, it's cool if Nel's hair is natural, because when you're a little kid, you don't know how to dye your hair, so that hair would have to be natural. But since there are no scenes of Mashiro anywhere in the manga where she is not an adult, then it just goes to show that that hair is not natural. Of course, to make this point absolutely right, I shall now go off and ask Mayuri to undergo an extensive study of the Vizards and their habits. In specific, Mashiro and the question of whether her hair is dyed or not. Because, as you will all know, her eyebrows are BLACK. So, therefore, her hair must not be natural, unless she just takes the time to dye her eyebrows black? I wouldn't put it past her.

Kensei - God. I'll bet he's going to go pick up Shuuhei from the Soul Society any day now, make love passionately to him, and then carry him off into the sunset. I mean, it makes sense. They both have the same tattoo, just in different places. You can't bond much more than that, can you? But still...Kensei and Shuuhei...ugh....They had better not invite me to their wedding, because I, for once, shall stand up with Rangiku and object to the marriage. Well, she might not, because she keeps telling Shuuhei that he needs to find a "man".

Hachi - The magical dishwashing liquid market apparently wasn't so good in Australia. And I can actually HEAR him getting fatter by the second.

Rose - has to be completely gay. I bet he and Szayel would make good partners for each other. Ugh! Why am I thinking like a fricking fangirl?!

Hiyori - She's the only one I actually like. And that must be because everybody thinks I look like I'm related to her. Stupid Kubo Tite...he can't think of any original character designs other than the ones he already has. Like has anybody ever noticed how Shuuhei and Kensei are pretty much the same person except one has white hair and a tattoo on his chest and the other has black hair and a tattoo and three scars on his face? Yeah. They're pretty much the same person, though. And Kaien is pretty much Ichigo with that one long strand of hair down his back, a tattoo on his arm, and black hair. Oh yeah. And Kaien's dead. Can't forget that little tidbit, now can we?

Lisa - I don't care what all the rest of you say, she looks like a sailor woman. Or, well, once again, here we go with the whole design issue. I mean, it's clearly obvious that if those clothes of hers can be called a school outfit, it's clearly obvious that Kubo Tite lifted the design from Inuyasha. And don't tell me otherwise, because it's true! Don't ask how I know what the school uniforms in that manga/anime Inuyasha look like. Well, I suppose...if you really really want to know, let's just say I had a bad run in with that one demon dude, Naraku or whatever his name is, in the forest. And, consequently, the normal little boy became a boy prodigy with the aid of a shard of jewel, which was promptly discarded shortly after the run in. (Skyskater has clearly been watching too much anime/manga. Next thing you know she'll be in the section of a local WalMart throwing bouncy balls down the aisles and screaming, "Go, Pikachu, go!")

But yeah. The Vizards came back from Australia and are now hiding out in that warehouse place again. Of course, not like they had that big of a role in this story in the first place...although I am quite sure that Shinji is solely responsible for at least three of Grimmjow's STDs....

**_December 11  
Thursday  
Francois, after the devastating results of Petite Examen Lecon Un - F Plus  
Hitsugaya_**

**LOL An F plus. That's like saying, "Well, you didn't get a good grade, but since you're a nice person, I'll give you an F plus."**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL MAKE YOU HAVE A BAD RUN IN WITH NARAKU FROM INUYASHA! IN CASE YOU DON'T KNOW WHO THAT IS, IT'S THE FUCKING FREAK THAT'S PRETTY MUCH THE MICHAEL JACKSON OF THAT ANIME!!!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	40. Ulquiorra's Mental Breakdown

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Being nice to juniors actually pays off. Because they're nice to you and usually protect you from mean things. (Like helping someone with math homework, and said person happens to be in wrestling, they'll get in a fight for you. Even though you totally could have handled it by yourself.)**

**Well, Assault Godzilla, did you go to your prom? Or was it canceled? Let it be known that Mr. Assault Godzilla may or may not be attending his Junior Prom today, which he spent 55 bucks on for a ticket, but if he didn't attend it, then it shall be rescheduled for April. Freaky how I know personal shit like this, huh? xD**

**Daily Advice: Never wear a pastel blue tux to the prom. Or a pink one, for that matter. NEVER. No matter what anybody else says.**

* * *

EIGHT DAYS LEFT. Although Skyskater is probably gonna be a bitch and isn't going to post the chapter on my actual birthday because she'll be driving down to Los Angeles to spend Christmas with her father's side of the family. Her parents are divorced, so they trade her off every Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's a pretty intense situation. NOT. Seriously. It's not even unique at that point, because so many kids' parents do that nowadays because they're cheating on each other...WITH THE SAME PERSON. Like a certain couple I know...No naming names here and certainly no pointing, because that would be very ungentlemanlike, but COUGH COUGH Ishida and Orihime POINT POINT.

After that major coughing and pointing fit, let us now move on to more important matters. Such as the mental breakdown Ulquiorra had this morning. Or, rather, this afternoon.

To put it simply, we all freaked out. Majorly. We all honestly thought that Ulquiorra was going to go into wayyy premature labor on the kitchen floor, or have a miscarriage on the kitchen table. Either way, it was in the kitchen. Either way, it was still freaking gross, because, I mean, food's being prepared in the kitchen. If you have a miscarriage in the kitchen, be prepared to pay for the renovation of said kitchen. I mean, having a miscarriage is like having FREAKING SEX on the food counter! It's plain wrong!

But yeah. Reason why he had a nervous mental breakdown: He couldn't find his Hello Kitty mousepad for his laptop thing. Of course, we had several mixed reactions to his fit on the kitchen floor, where he screamed and cried and just basically threw an all out tantrum, shouting out the words, "NO! NOT MY HELLO KITTY MOUSEPAD! I PAID GOOD MONEY FOR THAT TRASH!" between incoherent screams....

Matusmoto: Laughing her ass off, determined to video tape it and put it on Youtube, except she can't access Youtube in Urahara's Shop because it is categorized under Adult Art. I bet Urahara goes on Youtube all the time to watch gay porn anyway....

Renji: Well...I can't remember exactly what he was doing, but it looked as though he had feathers stuck in his teeth. And not the kind Yumichika wears. But...like, baby bird kind.

Ikkaku: Debating whether or not to laugh.

Yumichika: Once again, out comes the handy dandy compact mirror, which is just absolutely freaking great so that it looks as though you're preoccupied and can't bother to help with other people's needs, because it actually looks like you are doing something. Of course, I couldn't do that, because I'm not that vain.

Rukia: Cradling her pregnant belly and attempting to come into contact with the mothership using a spatula.

Ichigo: Facepalming in the act of a highly stressed individual.

Chad: Ummm...Chad...well, he was being Chad-ish and not saying anything. Strong, solemn type that he is.

Uryuu: Was totally freaking out. But then he got to sewing a new baby blanket for the baby that seemed to be on its way (except it wasn't, actually, Ulquiorra was just having a nervous breakdown and not going into premature labor at all) to release some stress.

Orihime: She thought she was about to be a mother/father/whatever the hell you call a girl impregnator, and promptly fainted on the floor.

Urahara: Well, he didn't say anything, exactly. He stared. And that was it.

Yoruichi: Don't know where she was. But I think we can all hazard a good guess as to what she was doing....

Byakuya: "Please, don't give birth on the kitchen floor. Your baby could come out, slide across the floor with all that blood, conk its head on the refrigerator leg, and die." Right....I think that's the longest speech I've heard him give in a long time that actually has some form of truth to it.

Szayel: "Oh my god oh my god oh my god....oh my god oh my god oh my god... This isn't in my manual! This isn't supposed to be happening! Stop it, right now! I COMMAND YOU TO STOP GIVING BIRTH! Ulquiorra, are you listening? DO NOT PUSH, WHATEVER YOU DO! I am not trained or equipped to handle these kinds of disasters!" Okayyy....

Well, of course, Szayel was saved, because Ulquiorra was actually not going into premature labor or having a miscarriage.

And, well, in the end, it turns out that Yoruichi had ripped up the Hello Kitty mousepad, which caused Ulquiorra to hyperventilate after he found out (of course, this time, nobody paid attention, because, I mean, really, you can't exactly pull off the same reactions as you did the first time you THOUGHT someone was going into premature labor), because she thought that Hello Kitty was an offensive statement to all cats and made cats appear feminine. Of course...she is a female cat, so I don't see how this is an insult, really. If anybody would like to explain this to me, please do so in the form of a review. Those are highly appreciated.

Also, I have a strange premonition that something extremely bad is going to happen to me in a few chapters from now or something like that...something very strange. Something that involves gnomes, gnome leaders, stealing Hyorinmaru, and finding out that Gin is actually a gnome leder from the former Soviet Union...

Oh well. That could just be my stomach talking. Time to eat!

**_December 12  
Friday  
Rummaging through the fridge, looking for NORMAL food and NOT Orihime food  
Hitsugaya_**

**If you don't get the reference in the last few paragraphs, check out my profile under challenges.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! OR ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL MAKE YOU PAY GOOD MONEY FOR TRASH THAT YOU DON'T ACTUALLY NEED, AND THEN WE WILL MAKE YOU HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN ON YOUR KITCHEN FLOOR THAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH PREMATURE LABOR, AND THEN WE SHALL MAKE YOUR PREGNANCY COUNSELOR/THERAPIST THINGY FREAK OUT BECAUSE THEY AREN'T TRAINED TO HANDLE THOSE KINDS OF DISASTERS!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!**

**LOL. Later.  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	41. Well, THAT was Fucked Up

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Coke plus Sprite equals Heaven.**

**I like trying weird soda combos.**

**Daily Advice: Sometimes, reading books that other people recommend does not mean the book is suitable for YOU. I know, after reading Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen under the recommendation of a sophomore.**

* * *

I'm mortally embarrassed. I seriously am. I mean, you would think that there are some "normal" situations which I can find myself in in Karakura Town, but noooooooo......once again, insert the whole fertility clinic thing set up by Aizen again. Because I swear that is the only logical explanation for what is going on here.

1) Matsumoto is drunk...oh wait. Screw that. She's like that all the time.  
2) Ikkaku is busy philosophizing or whatever the hell you call it. He NEVER used to do that before we came here.  
3) Yumichika is - oh, wait, I forgot. Being vain is part of his self image.  
4) Yoruichi has turned into a slut and regrows her hymen after every sexual foray.  
5) Grimmjow has nine STDs and counting. Or was it ten? I can't be bothered - nor do I want to - remember that anymore.  
6) Ulquiorra is pregnant. Now, is THAT NORMAL?!  
7) Ichigo seems to be facepalming a lot. And he's not even the one writing this story!  
8) Orihime had deciplets, AND got Ulquiorra pregnant.  
9) Rukia is attempting to come into contact with the mothership using kitchen utensils and is pregnant.  
10) Uryuu was...well, cheating on Orihime with the same person she was cheating on him with AKA Ulquiorra.  
11) Urahara is being the lecherous old man that he is and not bothering to do anything.  
12) Chad wants to go to America.  
13) Gin has become a masochist overnight, it appears.  
14) Byakuya actually made a speech about Ulquiorra's "miscarriage" on the floor that actually did make sense.  
15) Renji is trying to get in touch with his primitive side - let's review the facts here.  
a) Well...he climbed up on Empire State Building and got shot down by the Japanese militia, and if that isn't even enough reason,  
b) He goes around wearing a loincloth and trying to sell dead fish to get in touch with his primitive side.  
16) Szayel has become..a pregnancy counselor to a pregnant MALE.  
17) I have been mentally scarred to a level of 26 or 27. And that's BAD, seeing as how the chart only goes up to 10.

But today's been seriously fucked up. It started at around lunchtime.

Urahara drove up in his black Lexus. Pretty normal, right? NOT. He put on sunglasses, took off that godawful lawn chair he calls a hat, pulled out a hair dryer, and attempted to shoot down junior and senior drivers. As a result, they all veered off to the side of the road (from what? hot air pwnage?) and caused a simultaneous car accident while Urahara drove away, cackling madly to himself.

Gin once again decided to page himself over the intercom without disguising his voice, except this time instead of reading out The Creation of Nemu by Mayuri Kurotsuchi, he decided to tell everybody that he had recently discovered he was gay.

Our French teacher asked Ulquiorra why he was laughing in the corner with his clothes off. Then he asked him to go and put on some clothes, and then come back and resume his mad cackling. Ulquiorra stood up, very straight and tall (or as tall as you can get while being pregnant) and said, "Well then. Would you like fries with that request, trash?"

Byakuya somehow obtained a coffin from the nearest funeral center, wrote the word 'Donations' on a sticky note, stuck the note onto the coffin, and held it out to people at lunch. Of course, not that I knew he knew how to write the word 'Donations'...but nobody donated any organs or limbs. Thank God nobody's encouraging him.

Three weeks ago, Rukia decided that the aliens would rather everybody drink decaf coffee instead of regular coffee. So after putting decaf in the coffee maker, three weeks later, she decides to switch to espresso after realizing that the aliens want us to be awake for when they come so that we can guide them down into an empty field using those flashing cone things those guys at the airport use to guide a plane down in the middle of the night and make crop circles.

Matsumoto pulled out a checkbook during fourth block, wrote "Thanks for the grade!" in the memo section of a check, and dropped it onto the teacher's desk. Is that even legal? I doubt it. But then again, when has anything Matsumoto done been declared legal?

Ishida appears to want to become part of Obi-wan Kenobi or whatever the hell his name is's cult, because he has recently started telling everybody how whatever he says 'Is in full accordance of the prophecy.'

Ikkaku has claimed that he needs room to think and so must not be restrained by boundaries, so has shown this rebellion by not using punctuation. Right....

Orihime finally decided to work off that pregnancy weight, and has now started to skip everywhere rather than walk everywhere, which has caused more than a few nosebleeds and several broken buttons on her part.

Yumichika weighed himself at lunch, realized he was one pound overweight, and while in the lunch line, he asked the lady, "Please, I would like a plate of lettuce, hold the dressing, and a diet water."

Yoruichi rode to a McDonald's drive thru on a bike, yelled her order (A Happy Meal) into the intercom, spent twenty minutes arguing with the guy that her order was, in fact, To Go, and not For the Car/Bike, and then when she realized that they didn't include a toy in her Happy Meal, she wheeled right around and went back to the drive thru and gave that poor fellow a piece of her mind, resulting in a refund for said Happy Meal and TWO toys.

Tessai brought Szayel to the opera to calm him down from his whole nervous breakdown over Ulquiorra's "miscarriage." Not a good idea. He was singing the theme song from Mamma Mia the WHOLE. FREAKING. DAY.

Chad entered in a poetry recital, which is apparently part of the requirements of going to America, and when he finished his poem about noodles, some kid stood up and said, "Your poem doesn't rhyme." And reduced the strong and silent warrior to tears.

Renji set up a work spot in the middle of the classroom, hung it all with mosquito netting, pulled out a radio and a CD, played the CD, which contained tropical sounds, and said that it helped his brain function better. Well, in Gruntspeak of course.

Grimmjow popped in fifth period Social Science and said to the teacher, "Hey, hon, listen, I don't think I can make it to your party five days from now. I'm not in the mood."  
"Aww..." Let it be known that our teacher is a guy.  
"But you know what? I'm in the mood for something else right now. Meet me in the bathroom in five minutes, and you'll find out."

So the teacher drifted off to the bathroom, and...well, the content in this paragraph has been censored for use of sexual language, screams, and all around crackness.

Tousen came on MTV during sixth period English and said, "We interrupt this program to bring you a special message: Future Americans and whatever the hell you are, please let it be known that I do NOT want you to call me Michael Jackson, Chris Rock, or Stevie Wonder. That is all."

Isshin has started playing 'Slots' at an ATM machine and screaming repeatedly like a fucking fangirl when money comes out of the slot.

Tatsuki decided it would be funny to leave the zoo with a grand exit, screaming, "Run for your lives! The animals are loose!" which resulted in a major human stampede, which effectively hospitalized Chizuru and saved us all from her forays into the land of Lesbian.

The nuns who are keeping nine of Orihime's deciplets plunked them down to dinner today and said, "Listen, kids, due to the economic recession right now, we are gonna have to let one of you go. You guys fight it out, and let us know who the loser is."

Please excuse me. I need to go take a bath and cry about my life.

**_December 14  
Sunday  
Running the bath water, and of course it's frigid, because nobody leaves any hot water for me.  
Hitsugaya_**

**This is actually from a chain letter someone sent me...**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! OR ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL MAKE TATSUKI DO THAT AT YOUR LOCAL ZOO AND YOU SHALL BE EFFECTIVELY HOSPITALIZED AND SO STOPPED FROM YOUR FORAYS INTO THE LAND OF (INSERT WHATEVER SEXUALITY YOU DON'T WANT TO BE HERE)!!!!**

**Later  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	42. La Shit

**Skyskater's Daily Note: I needed to vegetate yesterday. I truly apologize for any inconvenience this caused. Wait a second. WHY AM I APOLOGIZING? YOU should be the ones to be bowing down at my feet and offering me those fancy/expensive Japanese teacakes!!**

**Hey, for those of you who play FlyFF, meet me! I'm on Clockworks, Server 8.1, under the name Skyskater. I just started...so...yeah...**

**Daily Advice: Always take things into your own hands. You don't know where other peoples' hands have been.**

* * *

French again. It seems as though I only have time to write this stuff in French class now, because God knows  
a) Miss Itou first period is...well...a massive ball of lard and the stench rolling off her buttery-ness makes me unable to write  
b) PE - well, self-explanatory. I may be talented, but I'm not talented enough to write while running. Have I mentioned that freezing your ass off is, like, the latest fad? You guys should all try it. Go out in the morning when it's like 37 degrees out in short-shorts and a tank top and go run! It builds character.  
c) Health. Sex Ed. Attempting to forget mental image of teacher freeze-framing the part where the baby is actually coming out of the thing and then rewinding it so it's going back in. (Seriously. Skyskater's Health teacher did this...freaking weird...)  
d) English - Well...Umm...I just don't write in English. No more to say.

So French is left as my only alternative.

Today is going rather stupidly. Of course, then again, when is it NOT, right?

That American transfer student whom Ichigo seems to have taken a fancy for - her name is Sara for all those of you who can't remember what the hell I'm talking about because you didn't actually READ this story, you just skimmed right through it - has been rather amusing lately. But today was, like, the peak of her amusingness.

To say the word "cat" in French, is "la chat." Or, more specifically, because most of you don't know how to speak French and couldn't give two hoots about it anyway, "La shaw." That's how it's pronounced. "La chat" is how it's spelled.

Okay, after clearing up that whole issue, Monsieur Cedrique or whatever his name is said, "Alright, Sara, can you tell us how to say 'cat' in French?" As if we haven't been reviewing this for the past two weeks. Seriously. That is like all the 'professional French teacher' knows how to say. Cat and dog and mom and dad. God.

So Sara went up to the board, pretty as you please, and stood there in front of the whole class and said, "Bonjour. Je m'appelle Sara." Or, in other words, "Hello, my name is Sara."

Now on to the really messed up part...which clearly shows that she has not been paying attention in French class...

"Cat in French is "la shit."

I am not joking. That is what she said. She didn't say 'La shaw', but 'La shit.'

Okay. That wasn't funny. I just wanted to interrupt this story with something so clearly awkward and not funny to annoy you and make your life generally irritating.

* * *

Right. After seeing the Orihime effect (10 kids and a pregnant husband...) I have decided to swear my heart off women. And men, because it now turns out that they can, too, get pregnant. Although I don't actually know where Ulquiorra is gonna push the baby out from. Let's look at it this way:

Ulquiorra doesn't have a birthing canal. And it's not likely he's gonna grow one before April, when he's due to deliver. Of course, karma is just gonna screw around with all of us. I just know it. Orihime had ten babies, like, six months premature, sold nine of them off, and kept the one, who she named Zohan even though she isn't Israeli. Rukia is pregnant, but is also attempting to contact "The Mothership" with a spatula and a varying assortment of kitchen utensils, which seriously cannot be good for her health. Even though her pregnancy is going normally, you watch. There'll be something freakishly wrong with her kid. And then we come to Ulquiorra's baby, who SHOULD NOT be able to exist, but it does. I don't know where he's gonna push the baby out from. His dick? Then, at that rate, he probably would never be able to use it again, and would have to swear himself off sex for the rest of his life. And...well, with a partner like Grimmjow, that's...ahem...kind of hard to do. Furthermore, once again with the karma, I'll bet anything that Ulquiorra's baby will be the only normal one. Seriously.

So yeah. I've decided to swear my heart off love in general. I mean, seriously! In fact, I have started to respect women so damn much that I try and stay away from them as much as possible! Of course, this means I may have to ask Matsumoto to get a sex change or I'll have to get another Lieutenant to replace her....

And when it comes to either marriage/love or celibacy (assuming that I will actually be sexually active at some point in my life), I think I'd rather have celibacy. Because, in all honesty, I have decided not to love. Because after reading the facts in the above paragraph, I don't think ANYONE who is actually SEMI-SANE would want to be in love! Plus, I guess if I never have sex then it doesn't matter whether I take a vow of celibacy or not, because I can't really miss what I never had, right??

And IF it were to happen that I were actually to marry (which, if that ever happens, I will know that people up there are screwing around with me), then I would at least hope to have a wife that was mute so she couldn't nag at me all the time. And someone who could cook well. You know? Because sometimes, making sandwiches just isn't enough.

MY BIRTHDAY IN FIVE DAYS. GET ME SOMETHING. OR YOU DIE.

**_December 16  
Tuesday  
Home  
Hitsugaya_**

**Sorry for the short chapter. I'm still in my vegetation state. P.S. Stick around for the Ulquiorra's POV Christmas Special!**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! OR ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL INTERRUPT YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW TO ANNOY YOU AND MAKE THINGS GENERALLY IRRITATING! OR WHATEVER THE HELL I SAID UP THERE!!!**

**Later  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	43. Romeo's Cheating on a Bush with Juliet

**Skyskater's Daily Note: I'm currently in competition with Seireitei Monogatari or whatever it's called by DracoQueen22. I have beaten Heart's Bond, whatever that is. Seireitei Monogatari is currently on my Faves List. Here are its stats:**

**Chapters: 98. Words: 123,898. Reviews: 706. MY STATS ARE AS OF LAST CHAPTER: Chapters: 55. Words: 102,488. Reviews: 673. I'm catching up...maybe it helps that I update more frequently than she does??**

**Daily Advice: Review this story. Because it's good for you. REAL ADVICE: Bananas are good for cramps.**

* * *

TWO FUCKING DAYS LEFT. And one until Skyskater's mom's birthday, but she is not actually a character in this story, so it doesn't count.

So anyway, because I all know how tired you are of hearing about when my birthday is (oh, you poor suffering souls...as if YOU don't remind everybody about your birthday like, five months before it's going to happen! You should be GRATEFUL! I've only started reminding you what...this month?) I shall proceed on with another chapter of this journal. Another chapter that hopefully shall not be read by Gin or Matsumoto....

Yesterday, as you will all know, I did not update because  
a) I was taking my vow of celibacy ( an official one!) in my local...well...um...wood clearing. Because I didn't want to go to the church and have the priest ask me why, exactly, was I going celibate if I wasn't sexually active yet. Yeah. I'd rather not go to all that trouble. Besides, I don't have any good experiences with churches.  
b) I was freaking tired of having you all laugh at me and my sad life.

But I just want to say something right now: Romeo and Juliet - the CORNIEST movie on the face of the planet and clearly overdone with special effects. And not the Leonardo DiCaprio version, either. It's the version where the lead guy, Romeo, looks like an Elizabethan version of Zac Efron.

Right. So we were watching the movie in English after reading through Act III of the play. I was forced to play Friar Lawrence, that really ugly, old, fat guy that looks like a redheaded Omaeda (or maybe Renji and Omaeda combined), but he's this guy who gets Romeo and Juliet together in the end, only to have Juliet pretend to be dead so Romeo kills himself and then when she wakes back up she kills herself to join him in death. Yeah. Okay. So I was forced to play that guy, and let me just tell you: I think even Shakespeare has it out for me. He wrote this MILE LONG paragraph that I had to say all in one breath! Well, okay, more like two or three breaths, because the entire paragraph was only like, what, three sentences or whatever?

Basically, it wasn't fun.

So then we watched the movie. We got to the famous balcony scene: "Oh, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" and all that other crap. Well, that was the part where the movie directors started to get a little bit...ahem...fancy with the special effects. And not in the good way.

So after jumping up like, thirty feet, Romeo finally lands on the garden path outside Juliet's balcony. Then they talk. He's still in the garden, mind you, and as they talk, his arm goes around this bush that conveniently happens to be Juliet-sized and right next to him. He's doing this as if to say, "Ha! Take that, Juliet! I don't need you! I got this bush right here."

After the whole really messed up make out session with the bush, he climbs up onto her balcony while she's in her nightgown, and then THEY proceed to make out. Ulquiorra, being...well, Ulquiorra-ish, said, "That's complete fucking trash. He's totally cheating on that bush!" ...Okay...

So Juliet said, "Okay, I need to go to bed now." Or something along those lines. And they said good-bye, by, you guessed it, making out. Then she called him back, and they said good-bye AGAIN, with making out. She went in after that, but then she came running back out, called for him AGAIN, he came back, AGAIN, and they said good-bye, making out. AGAIN. And Ulquiorra was pretty much in tears because he felt so sad for that poor bush, being neglected on the garden path...

Matsumoto was saying, "Hey, that girl's pretty smart. You know, getting three make out sessions in one night?" And I believe she was taking notes, too.  
Ikkaku wasn't paying attention.  
Neither was Yumichika.  
Orihime and Uryuu were busy trying to comfort Ulquiorra about the bush's neglect while alternately snapping at each other for cheating on each other with the same person.  
Ichigo was pretty much falling in love with Juliet and claimed he wanted to go to California to meet her, while Chad readily agreed in the background.  
Urahara and Yoruichi weren't there, they were at work or whatever else they were doing during the day, cough cough Yoruichi's having sex cough cough.  
Renji was all, "Grunt grunt grunt." Which translates to, "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamnnnnnnnnn...."  
Byakuya was busy criticizing Zac Efron's hairstyle. I mean, okay, we all know it wasn't really Zac Efron, but it seems kind of corny to call him Romeo. Seriously. He was so bad at acting, it was like he was in a contest with Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Potter in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, in which Cedric Diggory (that guy who played Edward in that movie, Twilight) died and Harry was all trying to cry, but it sounded like he was laughing.

And by the way, there's something seriously fucked up about Hollywood. Have you noticed that on their Walk of Fame they include six fictional characters? I don't understand this at all! I don't even have a single monument to my name! What's up with that?! They should totally put me on the Walk of Fame! Even if I'm dead AND fictional, I think I still deserve it! And you can all now agree with me. Anyone who does not, well...I shall drown them in wet cement.

**_December 18  
Thursday  
Nowhere YOU Need to know about  
Hitsugaya_**

**I have been asked by Kinky Freak to be her/his beta! See, people DO trust me with writing!!! Stay tuned for Ulquiorra's Christmas Special. Please know it may be coming earlier than Christmas, however.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL DROWN YOU IN WET CEMENT! **

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	44. My Birthday Part Two

**Skyskater's Daily Note: I have schooled Seireitei Monogatari. We're leading!!! Keep those reviews coming, and remember, if you see a story with more reviews than this one that is located in the ANIME/MANGA category (any anime/manga) please inform me of this right away so I can hunt out my new victim! I've settled for becoming Queen of the Anime/Manga Category...there's no fucking way I can beat that 10,000 review Twilight story anyways. Unless you all review rabidly and with the passion of ten thousand burning suns.**

**This story is going to reach four digits. I'm so proud of myself.**

**Daily Advice: Dying your hair with Kool-Aid only works if you have blonde or really light brown hair.

* * *

**

Well then. This is the second part of my birthday where I actually get to open my gifts instead of having to answer to all you reviewers who so constantly demand so much of me. I really don't understand why you do that. I mean, you're arguing with a fictional character here, folks! Admittedly, I'm a great and sexy fictional character, but still...

Right. So here we go.

Urahara: A lawnchair. Now. I'm beginning to wonder whether this was a gift for him or for me....maybe he's hoping I won't like the gift and give it back to him so that he can make another hat. God knows that man needs yet another hat...he has a closet full of hats! Seriously! It's like the hats are reproducing in there! It's either that or the lawnchairs are reproducing...

Yoruichi: Well...umm...she didn't give me anything, and I'm kind of glad for that, because I would not want to touch anything that she would give me. God knows what she touched before she wrapped the gift....ewwwww....

Renji: Well, Renji's in the hospital. He's been having severe attacks of head-coming-off, or people cutting his head off. Multiple times. Now, this would have been a great birthday present in itself, to have Renji at the hospital, except he keeps growing his head back!!!! Now, people, please explain to me what's wrong with this picture?

Yumichika: A little compact mirror of my own. Well, not like I wanted one, but god damn, they're good to use in awkward situations. I only wish he'd given one to me BEFORE the whole Ulquiorra miscarriage gig so I could actually look like I was doing something useful instead of just gawking at the naked, writhing...thing...on the ground....

Byakuya: Well, he got me ONE of Renji's cut off heads on a silver platter...except, of course, Renji keeps growing his head back. It's like he's the Hydra. You know, that purple Greek monster or whatever? The one where if you cut off its head, it grows back two? Yeah. Renji's like that. It's probably some sick, primitive disorder.

Ikkaku: Wallpaper with the blue sky and clouds on it. Because, as he says, "This way you'll always be aware that something bad is going to happen and you will never be caught not ready." Hey, listen. Just because YOU freak out all the time over why the sky is blue and how that means something bad is going to happen doesn't mean I do.

Orihime and Matsumoto: They gave me chocolate. Which I promptly set on fire and threw into Mayuri's lab, just to see what would happen. Let's just say the 12th division's headquarters have been erased off the Seireitei Map....and once again, Kenpachi is to blame. Because his division's headquarters are right next to the 12th division's, and Ukitake is apparently too sick and frail to do anything of the sort. So...well, it looks as though Kenpachi's got another facial scar coming to him.

Chad: He gave me a brochure to America. Well, I suppose if you're thoroughly obsessed with America, you'd like to share the...um...beauty of the country...even though when he gets there they'll probably send him back here because they'll think he's an illegal alien....

Ichigo: Gave me a book titled "How to Ignore Annoying Things and People" by Ichigo Kurosaki. Hey. I think I could find this pretty useful in daily life...

Ishida: He gave me a new outfit. Except this one was a bit modified...cough cough it now looks as though I'm wearing a girly outfit like he is cough cough. And I believe I shall promptly remove these ruffles he has sewn on.

Gin: God...I'm not even gonna SAY what he gave me, it was so bad. Needless to say, I promptly burned it in the burning pit of Hell that Byakuya so conveniently opened for me.

Grimmjow: He didn't give me anything. And I'm okay with that. You know why? Because if he had had the presence of mind to give me something, it probably would have been one of his various STDs. And I'd rather live in a clean gigai, thank you very much.

Ulquiorra: He went to the landfill and picked up not one, but TWO blocks of trash. Just for me. Well, and then he launched off into this really long spiel about how trash was a gift to mankind and how the art of compressing trash into perfect little cubes was just trashy and a fraud to delude us all into thinking trash was perfect when it really wasn't...right...And then at the very end, he said, "Have safe trash, kids!" ...

Szayel got me four Prada handbags. Now...I'm really debating what to do with these. They look like the manufacturers skinned a diseased cow-snake hybrid....

Rukia gave me a spatula. Why? I guess she thought that I should be in contact with her 'friends' from outer space as well...please note that I donated the spatula to Goodwill. I mean, they can never have too many spatulas, right?

Right now, I'm in a dilemma. I don't know what to do with these two rather...huge blocks of trash that are currently sitting in my room. I mean, I can't throw them away, because they're already trash. And I can't move them, because they're too heavy for my weak gigai body. And if I went out of my gigai, God knows Grimmjow would probably steal it and make passionate, necromantic love to it and give it nine forms of STDs or however many he has. And no, necromantic isn't a word. But necrophiliacs are those people who have sex with dead people just for fun. And it's sick. I wouldn't put it past Grimmjow to do something like that...the boundaries of life and death hold no meaning for him.

So...I don't know what to do with these two blocks of trash. Maybe I could fashion them into a desk somehow?

**_December 20  
Saturday  
My room, debating what to do with two blocks of trash  
Hitsugaya_**

**Since I know all of you are dying to know what Gin gave Shiro, it was a porn magazine. Featuring gay porn. And Photoshopped pictures of the two of them together. XD And stay tuned for our Christmas special with Ulquiorra.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! OR ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL MAKE GRIMMJOW MAKE PASSIONATE NECROMANTIC LOVE TO YOUR DEAD BODY AND GIVE IT NINE FORMS OF STDS THAT WILL TROUBLE YOU IN THE AFTERWORLD!!!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	45. Xmas Special Feat Ulquiorra and Baby

**Skyskater's Daily Note: We are now in competition with Theresa Crane's story Inner Hollow, with 1475 reviews. Everybody, please, review this story rabidly and with the burning passion of ten thousand fiery suns!!!**

**Reviews are much appreciated. And if you love me, don't review her story...she already has a big enough lead as it is.**

**Daily Advice: It has recently been discovered that watermelons are actually a veggie and not a fruit......**

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Trash. Trash, trash, trash. You are all trash, and if you are actually trash, then you're super trashy trash.

And I just want everybody to know that I do not actually make "freshly baked, non-trash turkeys". So please stop asking for them. And stop making fun of me. I don't like it. And you make me emo. Or more emo than I already am.

(Insert Skyskater: For all those of you who don't know what the hell is going on, it's the Christmas Special. A few days early, because I doubt I'll have time on Christmas to post this. So...yeah! Christmas Special Feat. Ulquiorra Schiffer!)

I don't understand many things in life, except trash. And having safe trash. Which it appears as though I clearly haven't done. That woman said we used protection, but it's obvious we didn't, because I'm pregnant with her trashy kid! Or kids! I really do not know how this happened. I thought we had safe trash. I really, really did. But thank God I didn't have unprotected trash with Grimmjow-Kitty over there...he could have given me nine trashy forms of STDs! And then I'd really be screwed.

I don't even know why I'm writing this, because this is clearly a waste of my time. I mean, it's Christmas...or a few days before Christmas, anyway, and I don't even celebrate Christmas! I'm JEWISH!

But noooo...this trashy author has decided to make me celebrate Christmas, defying my Jewish religion so that I can write this Christmas special for all of you...YOU SHOULD BE DAMNED GRATEFUL. I am pregnant, and I do not deserve to be treated this way! That's a weird statement. "I'm pregnant." I mean, I'm a guy...right? Please excuse me while I go and check down these trashy pinstriped pants...Okay, yup. I'm a guy. And pregnant. Wait...never mind. I don't have trashy pants to wear because none of them will fit me. And nobody will buy me new clothes.

In case you don't know what happened to me, in case you didn't take 'Knocked Up 101', well, here's the story, in a landfill:

1) In trashy chapter 38, No Eggs in Hueco Mundo, it's been discovered that I am pregnant. With that woman's child.

2) In the same chapter, Szayel Aporro Grantz - that freak! - comes up from the dead or whatever and decides to become my pregnancy counselor.

3) Chapter 39 - We are debating how to get the trashy kid out of my body. Because I don't want to get a C-section, and where is it gonna come out? ...Well, we decided on the Birthing Flower thing anyway.

4) Chapter 40 - I brought trash to the Thanksgiving feast. And...nobody appreciated it...let me go cry here in this emo corner of doom that has just magically appeared for my convenience.

5) Chapter 46 - Everybody thought I was gonna make those people who invaded Hueco Mundo into slaves that sew lawnchairs into hats for me, sharpen my horn thingy, wash my clothes, bring me trash blocks, and all that "other stuff that pregnant males tend to do..."

6) Chapter 47 - We watched Renji, that piece of trash, climb up on the mini Empire State Building. I said "Trash." =D See! I contribute to discussions quite often!

7) Chapter 48 - Everybody accused me of trashing Renji's room with the contents of half a landfill.

8) Chapter 49 - I'm due in June, but everybody thinks with Szayel as my pregnancy counselor I'll have a miscarriage and have it in April...how mean...well, okay, okay, I was betting on that too...

9) Chapter 50 - Orihime was mistreating me and feeding me tiramisu, tea made of rancid yak butter and salt and all those other nasty things...

10) Chapter 52 - I had a nervous breakdown in the kitchen floor and everybody was panicking because they thought I was going into way premature labor...

11) Chapter 54 - No one thinks I'm normal! And since when has that blondie replaced me as Emo, Whiny Bitch? I was never whiny...

And basically, well, I think you get the idea. Because I'm pregnant. And...yeah!

Then I was watching Home Alone a few days ago...and Oh. My. God. THOSE ARE SOME DAMN STUPID PARENTS! If I actually live through the whole birthing thing (because God knows I don't trust Szayel's trashy birthing flower) then...then...well, I won't be as stupid as those parents. And definitely not as stupid as that kid. Well...my kid won't be as stupid as that kid.

And today I went shopping for Christmas gifts. Everybody seemed scared of me - come on, pieces of scum! I'm like any other guy, except I'm pregnant! - so they veered off to one side. It's pretty good, actually. I get more sidewalk space this way. Which is good. I hate it when people invade my personal space bubble.

So I broke into some shops and took some Hello Kitty stuff to give as Christmas gifts, and then I went to JCPenny's and asked them to gift wrap the Hello Kitty stuff for me. The people who were gift wrapping the stuff seemed scared of me, too, and then I tried to explain how I couldn't get clothes because they don't make maternity clothes for men and anyway nobody would sell me large enough clothes, so I had to go around naked, but they were too scared to listen to me. So they gift wrapped my gifts anyway, because I was giving them The Look. Yup. The Look. People these days. You have to push them around to get them to do what you want them to do. It's so trashily inconvenient.

I know I'm Jewish. But I had to get Christmas gifts because Skyskater is tampering with my religion! And I don't like that. However, I am quite confused on the issue of whether or not a human is considered kosher, or not....because I've got a craving for some human right now....perhaps I should ask that one Byakuya fellow...

Oh. Wait. I can't do that. I just remembered. The last time I saw him, he told me not to disturb him, because he would be, and I quote, "Putting my beep up that sexy Shuuhei's beep for twenty-four beeping hours."

...Umm...okay...

But yeah. Maybe I'll go ask Szayel for some human...

Whatever. I'll just eat one of the reviewers that seem to be populating this story.

So have a trashy Christmas, a garbagey Hanukkah, a junky Kwanzaa, whatever you celebrate.

**_December 21  
Sunday  
In a beloved landfill, bonding with my baby  
Ulquiorra and baby_**

**Hope you liked! =D And whoever issued that ByaShuu challenge, there ya go. xD**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! OR ME AND ULQUIORRA AND BABY-CHAN SHALL MAKE BYAKUYA GO OVER TO YOUR HOUSE AND PUT HIS BEEP UP THAT BEEP FOR TWENTY-FOUR BEEPING HOURS!!!! AND YOU WILL NOT LIKE IT! If you don't know what the beeps are, ask someone else. It's not appropriate.**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Ulquiorra and Baby**


	46. A Normal Day Gone Bad

**Skyskater's Daily Note: We have a total of 13.1 reviews per chapter now! As opposed to the 12.2 reviews per chapter in Inner Hollow. At this rate, we can totally beat her! Right? =D**

**But we need to get a big enough lead because this story will end after the school year's summer (aka start of sophomore year). So keep reviewing rabidly!**

**Daily Advice: If your hot cocoa is too hot, put ice in it.**

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...WHAT THE HECK IS UP WITH MY STORY GETTING HIJACKED?! Why!!!!!!!!!

First it was Matsumoto who found my journal because of Gin and his sixth-diary-finding sense, except he wasn't actually attempting to find it. He was just being his usual masochistic self and watching Hueco Mundo Cup, which we all know is just self-deprecating humor for him. Then ULQUIORRA comes and hijacks this story, calling everybody trash, claiming he's gonna eat some of the reviewers, and wishing everybody a trashy Christmas, a junky Hanukkah, and a super trashy Kwanzaa or whatever he said! And then he had the gall to go through MY reviews and respond to them, cradling his pregnant belly all the while!!! I hate this, I hate this, I hate, hate, HATE THIS!

If anybody else hijacks this story, I will seriously kill them!!! Okay. Now that I'm back in control of my story, let's review the facts here of what's actually been going on since Ulquiorra was too busy fawning over two certain reviewers and complaining about his lack of unisex maternity clothes (whose brilliant idea was it to give him those anyway? That's just asking for trouble!) and not bothering to update you on the status of all our "friends" here.

1) Szayel, since Ulquiorra is afraid to try it, has started to jump out at random pregnant women on the street and convince them into trying out the Birthing Flower. So far, we've got at least three candidates that he scared into the position.

2) Byakuya and Renji...you'll find out later. I'm still too scarred to write about it right now.

3) The Vizards - Everybody is trying to console Hachi and tell him that he is not, as a matter of fact, fat as a whale and that his dishwashing liquid was certainly the great invention since sliced bread and that he should really look into patenting it in North Korea or whatever. Right....

4) Ulquiorra and Baby-chan - Bleach Junkie Caitie and Sarah Lilly have asked if they can help Ulquiorra name the baby. Since Ulquiorra is currently being restrained from defecting this story any more than it already is, I shall type his response for you: "YES! MY ANGELIC TRASH! MY BELOVED TRASH! OF COURSE YOU SHALL HAVE A PART IN NAMING THIS TRASHY BABY!" ...

5) Urahara - Is laughing at all the misfortune going on in this world.

6) Yoruichi - Well...we all know what she's doing.

7) Shuuhei - He can barely walk now, because Byakuya put his beep up his sexy beep for twenty-four beeping hours." Yes. Shuuhei is now an official character in this story, because Skyskater likes him and because he has contact with one of the characters.

8) Grimmjow - Still has millions of STDs festering under his belt...

9) Ichigo is debating on whether or not to publish his hit book "How to Ignore Annoying Things and People." I think Skyskater has already requested that she be the one to publish it.

10) Gin...well, he's Gin. And still manufacturing his own porn.

11) Ishida is trying to deny the fact that sewing is indeed a form of supporting the patriarchy...whatever that means.

12) Chad - After several failed attempts to get to America, which included smuggling away on a cruise ship, smuggling onto a fighter plane, and attempting to swim across the Pacific Ocean, Chad has finally started to think that maybe it is not possible to go to America at this point in time.

13) Orihime and Matsumoto - At the rate the pregnancies in Karakura are going, it's very, very hard to believe that Matsumoto has not gotten pregnant yet. VERY hard.

14) Ikkaku: He hasn't changed, except now he believes that everything will be all right if the clouds are moving exceptionally sluggish.

15) Yumichika: He's recently been signed on a a model for Abercrombie and Fitch. Oh God. I can only imagine how THAT is gonna turn out...

But yeah. Renji and Byakuya. Where to start with this? I suppose I should start from the time I woke up this morning.

_It was a peaceful day, and heck, I thought everything was gonna be okay. But I was a FOOL, I tell you! A FOOL! Because whenever I wake up feeling like it's gonna be a good day, then it's NEVER going to be a good day._

_I had breakfast, which was pretty normal - eggs, bacon, toast. That sort of thing. Renji was absent from the breakfast table, as was Byakuya, which I found rather weird, because they normally fight fang and claw over the last pieces of bacon. But they weren't there. Okay, I figured. That's cool. More food for me._

_I did pretty much nothing except played Guitar Hero from breakfast til lunch, when I once again went to the table and did not find Renji and Byakuya. By mid-afternoon, I had started to get pretty weirded out. I mean, when two people who normally fight tooth and claw over the last remaining pieces of meat don't show up to get their rations, there has to be something that's wrong. Whether it be that they're out raiding the butcher shop together, or whether Byakuya/Renji finally emerged victorious after defeating Renji/Byakuya, something BAD has happened. _

_And this was not only bad, this was disgusting._

_So Urahara requested me that, since I had basically been vegetating all day, to go find Byakuya and Renji. So I agreed, even though I had a bad gut feeling about the whole thing. But nobody else wanted to do it, and if we let it go any longer, the pair of them would probably have blown up Hawaii by now in order to get more luau pigs!_

_So I was walking through his house/shop thing and looking for them. I went to one of the very back rooms, and I heard weird noises filtering under the door. I opened the door. And screamed. Now, you'd think that I'd be smarter about this whole thing by now, after the Yoruichi Urahara porn video, after seeing Yoruichi fuck a random guy on the street, after seeing Yoruichi have sex with Ichigo and tell him he was her first because her hymen regrew...you'd think I'd get a thing of common sense. But NOOOO...._

_I opened that door, and I saw Renji and Byakuya making out. Renji was pressed up against this shelf thing of soul candies or whatever, and they were both doing...icky stuff....Needless to say, when I screamed, Renji started so violently and with a great, hugeass roar that the shelf toppled over and created a domino effect. Of the other shelves, I mean. So while all the shelves were toppling down and both Byakuya and Renji were staring at me dumbfounded, I turned, and RAN. Ran for my freaking life. And sanity._

And that's what takes us to right now, me, writing this story. I mean, Byakuya and Renji aren't exactly the type of people you think would get along with each other, right? But they did. Well, in that one storage room, I suppose...

I guess after Urahara gets through cleaning that back room, I need to tell him to disinfect it because there is a "poisonous chemical" in the air. Probably something Szayel put there to see if males could get pregnant off of other males.....

_December 23  
Tuesday  
My room  
Hitsugaya_

_A challenge issued by NarutoGirl1327. Also, you guys, can you go and check out Rosette? In my profile? Pretty please???_

_ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL HAVE SZAYEL JUMP OUT AT YOU FROM RANDOM DARK ALLEYS AND DRAG YOU BACK HERE, KICKING AND SCREAMING, TO BE THE NEXT GUINEA PIG FOR THE BIRTHING FLOWER, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE PREGNANT OR NOT!!!_

_Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan _


	47. The Rectangle of Doom

**Skyskater's Daily Note: I will NOT be posting tomorrow as it is Christmas. **

**Boo-fuckety-hoo. Don't complain to me. xD**

**Daily Advice: Only 688 more reviews to go before we catch up to Inner Hollow. Great job you guys, on reviewing!**

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This story will not be hijacked any further. I have decided this, by locking it up very, very well, with a combination of Master Locks, combination locks, reiatsu cuffs, chains, and whatever else you can think of. So, from now on, this story should be safe from the outsiders who want to screw around with it. YES, WE ARE TALKING ABOUT YOU, ULQUIORRA!!!

Ulquiorra has been very depressed since Sarah Lilly OR Bleach Junkie Caitie did not show up at his harem at eight o'clock. He was VERY depressed, and instead went to go and talk to his precious pile of soda cans to let out his depression. His therapist says it's good for him...but then again, Szayel is his therapist. I tried to advise him against spouting his feelings to a pile of empty Dr. Pepper cans, but did he listen? NOOO...of course not. You just can't get pregnant men to listen to you. Sometimes, I swear...and whoever had the bright idea of giving him maternity clothes, please, give us a swimsuit too...because he refuses to be naked in the bathtub. I don't know why. Fear of bubbles against his genitals or something like that. So, a swimsuit would be much appreciated. And please make the swimsuit something plain or something that can be considered unisex, even if it is for a girl.

Actually, you won't believe what's happened to me today. I have been attacked by an army of gnomes. Yes, that's right. You heard me. An army of gnomes. And not like those little lawn ornaments in the shape of gnomes that people always put up because they feel like their lawn is missing something and then a week later they realize that the gnomes are actually making their yard look even uglier than it already is, so they take it down. But yeah. Gnomes have attacked me. And not anybody else, as I would have assumed, but only me.

They are holding Hyourinmaru hostage. Right...basically, they drew a rectangle on the floor, placed Hyourinmaru inside the rectangle, and claimed that I could not cross over the Rectangle of Doom because I would be incinerated if I even so much as placed a hair over that line. Actually, this whole situation would be funny if not for the fact that THEY HAD TAKEN HYOURINMARU.

Here's how it happened: There are these really two big gnomes. I might not even call them gnomes anymore, they're so big. But yeah. They're pretty big compared to the rest of their little army. They shouted, "Look at that! There's a Hollow!" So I whipped out Hyourinmaru in an attempt to valiantly slay that Hollow. But, of course, it was just a distraction. So the two gnomes grabbed the blade (they were pretty stupid, don't they know that swords are SHARP?) and tugged, but of course they cut their hands. And soon there was a little puddle of blood in between us.

And then Renji and Byakuya, who, I must say, have the most impeccable (and worst) timing, bounded into the room, HOLDING HANDS, no less, and started lapping up the blood off the ground, and looking frantically around for the body parts that they thought would accompany it. But, of course, there were no body parts. Just the blood. And then Byakuya stood up and made this whole speech about how we should give to the underprivileged and about how we should donate a limb or something so that he could feed his family (dear God, I really hope when he says 'family' that he doesn't mean that either he or Renji is pregnant...we do NOT need another pregnant male around!)...but yeah. He made this really, really long speech about it that seemed to drag on for hours, and I, consequently, fell asleep. Standing up. Before I knew it, the two tall gnomes grabbed Hyourinmaru, drew the rectangle on the ground, and...yeah. They're holding him hostage.

With the weirdest ransom ever.

In exchange for Hyourinmaru, they want me to fulfill this list of demands:

1) Reincarnate the porn that Gin gave me for my birthday which I consequently burned.  
2) Eat a walnut - don't they know this will kill me?! Maybe if I eat a fake walnut that is actually not a walnut but a peanut...  
3) Say sorry to Gin for things that I know not. But I suppose I'll fulfill these requests, because I simply am way too tired to argue with anybody over this right now.

So yeah. So, I went ahead and ate a fake walnut which was actually a chocolate covered peanut, I called up Gin (on a broken cellphone, so that I did not actually have to talk to him...I think I would die if I had to actually talk to that freak and tell him I was sorry and request that he make some more of that porn) apologized and requested more porn for the two gnomes that are holding me hostage. And...well, the two gnomes, they gave me Hyourinmaru back. Because they honestly thought that they had finally gotten me to eat a walnut willingly, they thought they would get some free HitsuGin porn (that's on my to-do list, to destroy all the HitsuGin porn in the world, because IT IS NOT FREAKING RIGHT. That guy is old enough to be my DAD!), and they thought I had actually apologized to Gin. Which I didn't, of course.

But after I had fulfilled their highly unreasonable list of demands, they erased the rectangle of doom, and then ran away with the rest of their gnome army (probably to return to their respective spots on their lawns) screaming, "LEAVE GIN-SAMA ALONE!!!!"

Needless to say, I've had a very busy day today. I request not to be disturbed for the rest of today and all of tomorrow.

Now, excuse me while I go ask directions to my next huge embarrassing failure....or sell my soul on eBay. One of the two.

_December 24  
Wednesday  
On eBay  
Hitsugaya_

_A challenge from Arrancar Baka and Regina Slytherin. _

_ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL TAKE YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION AND PUT IT IN THE RECTANGLE OF DOOM, WHICH IF YOU CROSS OVER THE BOUNDARIES BY EVEN A HAIR, YOU SHALL BE INCINERATED!!!!_

_Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan _


	48. Her Pies

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Only 679 more reviews before we catch up to Theresa Crane!!!! We are closing the gap! So keep reviewing rabidly and with the passion of ten thousand burning suns!!!!!**

**It's great to see how many people from around the world are reading this, so I thank you all.**

**Daily Advice: Challengers and the people you beta for always have that urge to make things needlessly complicated. xD.**

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I laugh in the face of danger! Here I go: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Okay. Everybody, this is KON reporting!!! Yup. That's me! KON. I'm so important, that my name, KON, deserves to be in all capitals. Like Akon, but...but not....

Our dearest, shortest, and cute Hitsugaya-taichou claimed that he locked everything up. Well, his diary at least. He claimed he locked his diary up in the last chapter. He actually writes very entertainingly, I must say. I've spent hours and hours reading this story, and...yet...he has not made any comments about me yet in this story. I'm not quite sure whether to feel happy or neglected. Because, after all, I play a very important role in this story too, ya know! And as for hijacking this story, I do not stoop so low as to hijack mere Internet stories. No...no, no, no. When KON hijacks, he hijacks BIG things. Like planes and garbage trucks. You know what I'm saying?

But, of course, I just had to write a chapter in this story. Because I want to leave my mark on the world, and what better way to do it than this very popular story, right??

So anyway, since I have absolutely no clue what I'm supposed to be writing this chapter in this story on this computer about (it's called Hitsugaya's Guide to High School, yes, so I'm not going to write about high school because I am not Hitsugaya!) but instead, I'm going to talk about what I do while in Ichigo's body while he goes off and does some defenseless creature smashing or whatever he wants to call Hollow killing. Now, don't get me wrong. I appreciate the whole ridding the world of evil thing, but there are just some times when you really do have to question his motives:

I doubt that Ichigo spends an hour and a half in the bathroom wrapping rags around Zangetsu. I highly doubt that. I bet he's masturbating in there or something of the like. Or getting yet another girl pregnant.

I also doubt that Ichigo spends hours in Urahara's basement training with Zangetsu. More like having sex with Hichigo, as I like to call him. Even though that's like...I don't know...what would you call that? Sex with an albino version of yourself? Oh. Wait. I forgot. Hichigo is currently sexually inactive...the last time I talked to him, he muttered something about 'Grimmjow gave me her pies' or something like that. I don't know what 'her pies' is, or who exactly 'Grimmjow' is, but apparently it's something that Hichigo doesn't want to talk about.

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah. I was talking about how I was gonna tell you some of the things I do while Ichigo is out doing his defenseless creature smashing.

Right. So there was a pretty good time I had last summer using Ichigo's body....it was a warm and sunny day, and believe me, when I say it was a warm and sunny day, it really was a warm and sunny day. Not like that emo fellow over there who worships Eeyore and Amy Lee and who just happens to be pregnant with a woman's child. No. His version of a warm and sunny day is a day where the sun just barely peeks out from behind these masses of black thunderclouds and where it is not exactly a pouring rain, but a heavy one. And said day cannot have a rainbow, otherwise it does not qualify as a warm and sunny day for him.

But it was a warm and sunny day. And I was in the mood to do something fun. So I went over to this one shop with Orihime, because she wanted to get some new underwear sets. So I said, "Of course! Of course I'll go with you, nee-chan!!" Because, in all reality, how many of you guys, GUYS, can honestly say that you would turn down something like that? Exactly. I didn't think so. But yeah, so I went with her to this one store called Victoria's Secret or whatever, and God...that was heaven right there, in one little store in the mall.

I shall not disclose what happened in that store, except let me just make a few points clear here:

1. I did not have sex with Orihime. I did, in fact, have a heavy make out session with one of the workers there. He, YEAH, it was a guy! I was pretty surprised and impressed as well! But yeah. So we had a make out session in one of the stalls while Orihime-nee-chan was getting measured for her new bras and underwear and whatever else she was getting, but god...that man was sure a damn fine kisser. We didn't go too far, though, because there are certain limitations that I, as a mod soul, have while in my host's body. However, if I had the chance, God...the things I could have done with that fellow...

So I was pretty sad to part ways with him, but Orihime nee chan made me happy again by holding my hand as we walked home. Now, I guess she thought I was Ichigo or something, because God knows she wouldn't have done that with me. She thinks I'm too 'immature' or whatever. So I suppose it was a good thing that Ichigo only flew right past us smashing at a Hollow AFTER we got all the way back to her house and she realized that it was actually me, KON, that was holding her hand.

Ichigo's body is really nice, I have to say.

1. It's not fat. Which is a good thing, because if it was fat, then I couldn't have the ability to make out with anyone and everyone I choose. I have a wide variety of tastes, too...I would have tried that with Hichigo a long time ago, except, of course, mirror sex and all that. And besides, if I was a doll when I proposed that idea, he would have clawed me apart in a freak attempt to 'get rid of the voices.' He has issues, that Hichigo, let me tell you that right now. Was probably dropped quite a few times down the stairs as a kid. Plus he's not getting enough Vitamin D. I keep telling him he needs to get more sun, but NOOOOOO....

2. It's fairly, reasonably cute. Once again, that's a good thing, because if I had been as ugly as hell, like a certain Quincy teenager I know, I wouldn't have been able to make out with anyone and everyone I chose.

3. It has the ability to look unisex, especially if I stuff two halves of a football down my shirt and get some extensions and borrow some mascara. Seriously.

But yeah. When Ichigo just 'faints' on the floor and I take over, I have some pretty darn fun times. Of course, after reading this diary thing and looking back at all the things I've done with this body in the past, I guess it's a pretty good thing that I didn't actually have any inappropriate physical contact with Grimmjow in that one Victoria's Secret stall. If we had...God. I never would have heard the end of it. But hey, I'm a mod soul. I can't get STDs. But, by the same token, if Ichigo's body got STD's, it would be pretty uncomfortable whenever he decided to go out for some Hollow smashing and I had to wear it.

But making out with Grimmjow was really, really fun. I think we'll have to do it again some time...just as long as he doesn't have cold sores in the general region of his mouth....

_December 26  
Friday  
In Ichigo's Body  
KON_

_A challenge issued by Assault Godzilla and partially a challenge issued by Sutaaki Hitori. Because, really, Hichigo is in this one, but I don't know if you wanted more...ummm...whatchamacallit...if you wanted me to give him more emphasis in the story._

_ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND KON-CHAN WILL MAKE GRIMMJOW GIVE YOU HER PIES!!!! And if you don't get that, her pies is herpes!!!!!_

_Later!  
Skyskater  
And Kon-chan _


	49. A Life Size Figurine of the Taj Mahal

**Skyskater's Daily Note: We are closing the gap at a fast pace!!!! Only 622 reviews until we catch up to Inner Hollow! Come on, you guys! We can do this!**

**Basically, we've closed the gap by thirty-seven more reviews since last chapter! Let's keep this up! Oh, and stick around until the end of this story to get your award!**

**Daily Advice: If you don't want to have to scroll down all the way down the chapters list, just hit the end button once you get to the chapter selection. Oh, and the font is different at the end of some chapters because my computer is messing around with the fonts...**

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It appears as though Ichigo has just recently discovered his taste in men. Or, at least, men in skimpy dresses. And please, don't go around saying, 'Oh, that's my boy! Learning how to accept people for their differences!' There's a very thick line drawn between girls in dresses, and BOYS in dresses. Especially a QUINCY boy who uses Garnier Fructise for his hair, has been reduced to tears under the threat of cutting off his luscious locks with nail clippers, is gay except he got a woman pregnant and was the father of deciplets of which only one has been taken into custody by the woman, and who sews baby blankets during times of crisis. Yeah. Please don't say that you're proud of Ichigo for being bisexual as KON happens to be. I TOLD you something bad would happen if someone else hijacked my story! Now the main character of this whole anime/manga is bisexual! And he's not supposed to be!

I think Kubo Tite would have a heart attack if he read this story.

But anyway, Uryuu Ishida officially disturbs me. Sure, he creeped me out with the whole sewing the baby blanket thing while Ulquiorra was having his mental breakdown/premature labor/miscarriage on the kitchen floor, which in turn caused Szayel, who VOLUNTEERED to be his pregnancy counselor, also have a nervous breakdown while standing up, but NOW, the Quincy boy officially disturbs me. I think he is secretly planning world domination using the art of plastic needles and whatnot. Oh, and, of course, the popsicle stick buildings. You know, like the ones made by those geeks that have too much time on their hands so they decide to eat a bunch of Popsicles and make a real life-size figurine of the Taj Mahal using nothing but Popsicle sticks. You can't dominate a world without popsicle stick buildings! It's in the handbook.

But yeah. So...somehow or another, Uryuu got forced into a skimpy dress. Causes of this may be:

a) Orihime and Matsumoto got drunk together and thought he was a girl.  
b) Szayel and Ulquiorra had a twisted sense of humor and decided to use one of Halibel's dresses against him.  
c) Il Forte blackmailed him into it.  
d) Yoruichi wanted to go back to the yuri side of things, and since neither Orihime, Matsumoto, Ururu, Rukia, or Sara wanted to join in, she thought that it would be funny to have sex with a boy that dressed like a girl aka a TRANSVESTITE.

Now, letter C would be the most logical one, except Il Forte was too busy texting his friends from Hueco Mundo to even consider the thought of blackmailing somebody into wearing a dress.

Orihime doesn't like liquor. That's surprising, considering the things she does like. And Matsumoto would never have gotten away with putting the dress on singlehandedly.

Szayel and Ulquiorra...well...Szayel DOES have a twisted sense of humor, but neither the Octava or the Cuatro are insane enough to go and steal one of Halibel's dresses.

And Yoruichi...well...as for Yoruichi, she wasn't here.

So none of the choices work. But it turns out that Uryuu is actually a newfound masochist. I think he should join Gin's religion in flailing themselves regularly.

But anyway, Ishida is a newfound masochist, and is apparently now gay with Ichigo, since he can't have sex with Ulquiorra anymore because Ulquiorra is pregnant and has been turned magically straight by Bleach Junkie Caitie and SarahLilly. Remember how I told you that the line of Ichigo's straightness was so straight that it's starting to curve? Yeah. This is what happens when THAT happens.

Right. But Ishida likes pain and humiliation now. Why? I have no idea. But so he and Ichigo have started a sadomasochistic relationship thing going on (if you don't know what Sadomasochism or S and M is, please don't ask me. Because if I told you, this wouldn't really be a T-rated story anymore. Well, actually, it would still be because there's no sex scenes in here, but....yeah. I just don't want to tell you. Hahahaahaha. I love being evil. And besides, God didn't give you the power of Google for nothing, right?).

Well, actually, I suppose you could compare Ishida to Nel right now, because Nel is a masochist also. However, Nel is not, most of the time, sexually active because of how Nnoitra hit her over the head a few years back which turned her into a child for most of the time. So she can't be sexually active, so it wouldn't really be in the same category of Ishida...but...whatever.

So yeah. Right now, Uryuu is running through the house wearing nothing but a French maid skimpy dress with Ichigo chasing after him. You know, this would almost be funny except for the fact that the dress is insanely short and not really the kind of thing even SLUTS would wear, or even touch. And you've got this guy running through the house wearing it. That's like, what, a guy running through the house wearing nothing but a THONG? Yeah. That's pretty much how it is. Except he has the whole bodice thing going on, too.

I mean, it just don't make no sense. I don't get what everybody sees in those French dresses. And especially Ichigo. Great. Now Rukia's gonna be all depressed again and will start making out with her kitchen utensils more than usual, Sara will probably...NOT be depressed, since she was never interested in Ichigo anyway, and Yoruichi won't care, because by that time she'll have hopped to another bed. She's a slut monkey, that Yoruichi...I don't see what everybody sees in her. Seriously. I really don't.

Now, please excuse me while I go throw up in the bathroom after seeing Ishida running around in a dress to "get away" from Ichigo....

_December 29  
Monday  
In the bathroom, throwing up after seeing Ishida running around in a dress to "get away" from Ichigo  
Hitsugaya_

_A challenge sent in by Bleach Junkie Caitie. Prompt: Chapter about Uryuu in a skimpy dress running away from Ichigo._

_ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL DOMINATE YOUR WORLD, NO MATTER HOW SMALL IT IS, USING THE FINE ART OF PLASTIC NEEDLES AND POPSICLE STICK REAL LIFE SIZE FIGURINES OF THE TAJ MAHAL!_

_Later!  
__Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan _


	50. A Death Note Disturbance

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Only 598 more reviews until we catch up to Inner Hollow! **

**And this story now has a 14:1 review to chapter ratio! Great job you guys! Keep reviewing!!!**

**Daily Advice: Please note that if you want to send a challenge in for this story, you must send it in before August of 2009.**

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...I don't understand why everybody feels the need to make my life needlessly complicated or, in other words, harder for me to deal with than it already is. I really don't understand it, you know? Right now, I'm actually quite calm for this whole situation, because

a) Said interruption - ANNOYING DISTURBANCE - in my story, though from another anime/manga, has a monotone that I can tune out.  
b) Said interruption doesn't really have any emotions. He's entertaining Ulquiorra.  
c) Said interruption does not look like he wants to hijack this story in any way, shape, or form.

However, said interruption, who is called L (Why the hell would someone name their kid after a letter in the alphabet?! Where's his sister, M?) is kind of weirding me out. He has this black hair, black-grayish kind of eyes, and really pale skin, so he's like an albino, except not quite on the same level as Ichigo's inner hollow. And he sits really weird on a chair, which makes me wonder if he has, like, I don't know, a war scar on his ass or something. I mean, what, exactly, are the odds of that? Exactly. Plus he wears the same clothes every day. Doesn't he know anything about proper hy - Oh. Wait. I forgot. He's like the Ulquiorra of this anime/manga Death Note. Basically, he has to wear the same thing every day or else he'll lose that title.

Oh, yeah. And satscout, we may be needing yet another pair of maternity sweats for Ulquiorra. He is...growing...for lack of a better word.

Right. But this man, L is here. I don't know why. Seriously, I really don't know. He just, like, dropped out of the sky on a ball of fire, like Kung Fu Panda. Except he's not a panda. And he didn't drop out of the sky on a ball of fire. But you know how it goes. Those...weird types that just want to drop in randomly to this story where they are not needed.

This is all L's fault. That's what I'm guessing. Recently, Grimmjow just found a notebook on the ground. He didn't know what to do with it, until he saw the instructions on the back of the front cover. Basically, it's a death note. At least, that's what supersmart L over there is calling it. A death note is basically a notebook where if you write the person's name in it, they'll die of a heart attack in 40 seconds or in 6 minutes and 40 seconds if you include a time, place, and description of the person's death. Now. Who would be stupid enough to invent something like this, or even leave it lying around?!

Then, Grimmjow, being Grimmjow...he decided, "Okay. I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch Nova." Apparently, Nova poked fun at him for having so many diseases. Or something equally stupid. So, Grimmjow decided to write Nova's name down in the notebook.

Except, of course, he had a lot of problems with that.

First, he didn't know whether he was right or left handed. So that took at least ten minutes of explaining to him that he would write Nova's name in the notebook with the hand he normally used to draw and fight with his sword. And even then...I bet he was trying to convince himself that he was ambidextrous or whatever.

Second, he didn't know how to spell Nova's name. Now, Nova is a really easy name to spell. But he couldn't spell it. Instead, he wrote things like "Nooooovay." "Knowva." "Knova."

Then, when he finally got it right, he stared very hard at Nova for the next forty seconds (he was too simple to write a time, place, and description of the mod soul's death.) But, being a Mod Soul, Nova, of course, did not die. Because he was a freaking pill that had no heart.

And at that point, Grimmjow got so freaking mad that he spent several hours trying to destroy the pill that Nova was in.

He tried several methods, all of them quite entertaining:

A. He tried desperately to saw the pill in half with Pantera. Which...didn't work...  
B. He asked Byakuya to cut the pill in half for him with his razor sharp fangs. Byakuya refused.  
C. He karate chopped the pill. And the pill remained, intact, on the table.  
D. He threw the pill against the wall. The pill fell to the ground.  
E. He threw the pill under the wheels of a truck. And...the pill...developed a system of spikes and punctured the tire before it could roll over.  
F. He tied the pill to a brick and threw the brick into the ocean. Nova reappeared ten seconds later.

And then Grimmjow had the rather stupid idea of grabbing Claude or whatever his name was and stuffing the pill down his throat. Needless to say, there was quite some confusion over that....with Nova being in Claude's body and all that.

Furthermore, L, that useless, godforsaken, lazier than a bowl of mice person, didn't do a single thing except sat in his chair eating candy. And laughing at us. Goddamn bastard. How would HE like to be doing this every day?

I don't care what he's accomplished, I don't care if he dropped out of the sky on a ball of fire or whatever the hell that was, I don't care if he was the British Junior Tennis Champion! He is going back to his rightful place in that anime/manga Death Note!

So I kicked him out, throwing the Death Note after him. Well, in other words, I mean, I kicked him out of the whole freaking volume of manga that Bleach is currently in, and...well...let's just say I miscalculated. Instead of landing in the open Death Note volume on Skyskater's table, he accidentally landed in the Ouran High School Host Club one. Well...umm...I hope he and that crazy cat man from that anime/manga can make friends with each other. But I don't really care. He's not my problem anymore!

_**December 30  
Tuesday  
Cleaning up the candy wrappers that L left behind  
Hitsugaya**_

_**A challenge sent in by NarutoGirl1327.**_

_**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL KICK YOU OUT OF THE FREAKING VOLUME OF MANGA THAT YOU ARE IN AND YOU SHALL LAND IN ANOTHER VOLUME OF MANGA THAT YOU DO NOT LIKE!!!!**_

_**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chanჯ**_


	51. Safe Trash 101

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Only 578 more reviews to go before we catch up! We're doing really well, you guys! Oh, and only 54 more reviews before this story hits quadruple digits!**

**I congratulate all of us for having gotten this far! =D**

**Daily Advice: Advertising this story is really, really good. Not only for me, but for you too. And actually, now, it's mostly you guys writing the story. xD**

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It looks like Ulquiorra raised enough money to finally go through with his dreams of teaching a class the course of "Safe Trash 101". Now. I am beginning to wonder where in the hell he got enough money to actually start this course, complete with trash desks, trash tables, and technicolored, anatomically correct pictures. Oh. Yeah. That's right. He went through the landfill, picked out random things, and then went and sold them on eBay. And of course everybody was just so amazed that a fictional Bleach character would be selling something on the Internet that they went and bought all the stuff he dug out of the landfill. And now he's pretty much filthy rich and has decided to invest in a Safe Trash 101 course.

And several hundred thousand dollars of Hello Kitty merchandise, but...eh...that's not the point.

Anyway, safe trash. So he's forced everybody to come to this class so he can teach us the fine art of having safe trash and how it can benefit you. Right. Like it benefited him? I hope not. Because he's a pregnant MAN, and...if that's not irony, I don't really know what is at this point.

But yeah. Safe trash 101: A course taught by Mr. Ulquiorra Schiffer and Baby-chan.

Basically, since he forced everyone to join, I am writing down what the others are doing:

Renji is not paying any attention (when does he ever?) and instead is grunting as he tries to count the number of ceiling tiles.  
Byakuya is smiling placidly at Renji. Probably contemplating on how would be the best way to cook him.  
Rukia is composing a letter to NASA to see if she would qualify for the next space mission so that she can go see her friends from beyond the stars or whatever. As far as I'm concerned, they can leave her there.  
Ichigo is staring at Sara, probably wondering how would be the best way to coerce her to sleep with him.  
Sara isn't interested. In the class, or in Ichigo.  
Chad is being Chad-ish and saying that he doesn't want to take the class because it would poison his innocent mind and that way he would never get to go to America. Or something like that. But, of course, he can't leave. Because Szayel's minions are blocking the way of the door.  
Orihime is eating a concoction made of rice, tuna, Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream chips, and Chinese broccoli.  
Matsumoto is sharing said concoction.  
Yumichika is humming 'Tiptoe Thru the Tulips' by Tiny Tim.  
Ikkaku is contemplating the anatomically correct pictures. I bet he's wondering why his body isn't like the pictures.  
Szayel looks like he's about to rape someone.  
Il Forte is busy texting. What else would he be doing?  
Grimmjow is still trying to kill off Nova. With, of course, more interesting methods including chainsaws, power drills, and arsenic...none of which have worked...  
Urahara and Yoruichi are giggling over there in the corner. NO QUESTIONS SHOULD BE ASKED.

But anyway, since Ulquiorra has the most boring monotone ever, I tuned him out. Of course, every now and then, a few quite embarrassing words slip through the barrier of my tune-outage-ness, embarrassing words such as "double condoms," "trashy birth control," and "Grimmjow has trashy STD's, but he's still fucking hot."

...

Okay. I thought Ulquiorra wasn't gay? Oh. Wait a moment. He said he wouldn't be gay with Grimmjow because Grimmjow had STD's, but if he hadn't had any diseases, then Ulquiorra would probably be gay with him. That's what I'm understanding at this point in time.

But, whatever.

You know, I'm not exactly sure whether to call Ulquiorra brave or utterly retarded. Because, first of all, he's standing up there in a pair of now-too-small maternity sweats that he is still confused about the gender of, and second of all, he's, well, I think he's trying to demonstrate the proper use of a condom. Oh my God. I don't even know what that...thing...up there is! And right now, I don't think I want to know. Because it's probably something I don't need, or want, to know about.

I mean, nobody would have the gall, especially not as a pregnant man, to teach some very-unpregnant people about birth control. Well, except for Rukia. But she's...well, she's a freak. So. Whatever. So I mean, that's pretty brave, being all hypocritical about other people when you are trying to teach them about something that you've already done and epicly failed in. Like having safe trash, for instance.

And that whole thing about trying to fend off Orihime with a spatula? Yeah. I don't buy that. Because you could knock that girl over with a feather, she's so weak. I mean, just steal her hair clips and you'll be good to go! I bet Ulquiorra was actually enjoying himself and didn't know that a side effect of this enjoyment would happen to him later on...a side effect that he had no control over...

I suppose he could have had an abortion, but...well, you know. The receptionist at the clinic blatantly refused to even give him an appointment. Why? Because he was a pregnant male. ...You know, that's really sexist. But then again, I probably would have done the same thing.

It's either Ulquiorra's brave, or utterly stupid. I'm opting for the latter. Pregnancy must have addled his brains. I can practically hear the cogs - no, COG (singular) - straining to keep whirling in his head.

I don't need to know about safe trash. I'm not even trashily active. Oh. Great. Now I'm talking like him. Excuse me while I go and cry my eyes out.

_December 31 - New Year's Eve  
Wednesday  
Crying my eyes out while in Safe Trash 101  
Hitsugaya_

_A challenge sent in by Aruguealot._

_ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL FEND YOU OFF WITH A SPATULA AND YOU WILL NOT LIKE THAT!_

_Later!  
__Skyskater  
And Shiro-chanჯ_


	52. JUST TOO DAMN FAT

**Skyskater's Daily Note: This chapter should push this story to 1000 reviews. Or more. Probably more.**

**Only 541 more reviews until we catch up to Inner Hollow, you guys!!! **

**Daily Advice: This isn't advice. Happy New Year to all of you!!!! And I give everyone an Internet hug!!! -hugs-**

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After sitting through the teaching of the Safe Trash 101 course, it appears as though Renji has completely lost his mind. I mean, lost even the smallest shred of sanity he had left. Now, I can finally file a complaint to kick him out of Soul Society...

But that's not the point. Anyway, so the really stupid thing he did today (Stupid Thing of the Day: January 2) was...well...pretty damn stupid to begin with, and pretty damn stupid to end with. Not to mention he contradicted himself. Like these other times:

Two days before Ichigo's breakin to Soul Society, he said to Kira, "Damn it, Kira, how many times do I have to tell you to go back in that house and make me a freaking sandwich?! Nobody is going to break in to Soul Society!" And THEN look what happened.

Four days after being enlisted to Byakuya's squad, he said to Shuuhei, "You know, I really hope my captain is sane." Right. Good luck with that, Renji.

Ten days after he was officially diagnosed with insanity and sleep panic disorder, he said to Byakuya, "I'm not freaking insane." Right.

So anyway, Sara was talking to him. Why? I don't know. That girl is pretty damn stupid. Or brave. Whichever one. But anyway, she was talking to him. It appeared as though they were having quite the deep conversation about ground beef and Spam in spaghetti sauce or whatever...and then Renji had to go and ruin the moment with, "Okay. Ask me a question and I'll say yes." Now. What the hell was that all about? Because that was just totally out of the blue.

So she did. She played along with him. Why? I don't know. But I bet somewhere nearby, Byakuya was snarling at her. He's very territorial, that man.

"Does...hmmm...does Szayel rape little children in the dead of night?" It would have been more accurate to say Nnoitra, but because Szayel is up here and Nnoitra is not...well..yeah.

"Yes."

"Did the boogeyman eat your dog in your past life?"  
"Yes."

"Do you hate bunnies?"  
"Yes." LIAR! LIAR! HE LOVES CHAPPY THE BUNNY! I KNOW HE DOES!

"Is the PE teacher nice?"  
"Yes."

"Is Lumina skinny?"  
"Yes." In case you don't know who Lumina is, he's that really fat Fraccion of Szayel's. I mean, like, past the boundaries of morbidly obese and crossing into the land of JUST TOO DAMN FAT.

"Is Verona skinny?"  
"Yes." I'm seriously starting to question whether Renji needs to get his vision checked. Because it's clearly obvious that Verona, and Lumina, are clearly the most two obese...things...in the history of obese things. We're talking like the world's fattest man here. Or men.

"Is Barney cool?"  
"Yes."

"Is Szayel straight?"  
"No."  
"What the fuck?"

So anyway, Ichigo pretty much had a panic attack over that. Because he truly believed that Sara, his beloved Sara that is not interested in him but heck, he believes it anyway so nobody is going to tell him otherwise, would say a cuss word. He came running over, and yelled at Renji, "How DARE you contaminate my beauty's mind?!"

And then Renji, being, well, being insane, said, "I...do not like you!"

Then Szayel came over, just to add to the whole mess, and said, "Hey! I am TOO straight! Whaddaya mean, I'm not straight?! I AM I AM I AM!"

And then Il Forte, who at this moment just decided to make a random appearance, popped up next to him, his fingers and eyes glued to his Sidekick, said, "You're not straight, bro." Then left.

At which Szayel promptly broke down on the floor and started crying. And Ulquiorra came running over to help, since he was actually trying to be helpful to Szayel in his time of need. I guess he's forgotten how Szayel just stood over him freaking out while he was having a nervous breakdown in the kitchen floor. But...whatever.

Byakuya came over and comforted Renji. I don't know why that man needs comforting, much less from Byakuya. Byakuya can comfort someone as good as Kenpachi can. Meaning, he can't.  
Ikkaku was still glaring hard at the anatomically correct pictures that Ulquiorra never bothered to take down.  
Yumichika was texting Il Forte. Even though they were five feet from each other. Dear God.  
Chad was actually trying to convince the American government via phone that he was indeed qualified to come to America. However, I think he was saying something along the lines of, "I want to go to America so that I can kill people." Or something like that. His English isn't very good.  
Uryuu was sewing. Again.  
Orihime was eating paste out of a glue bottle, and my lieutenant, heaven help her, was eating it too. If her jaws get stuck together, that would be great. That's all I want for New Year's, Lord.

Urahara and Yoruichi were most likely watching gay porn over in the corner.

Rukia is pointing her finger at the ceiling and rasping, "R.K. Phone home..." Like ET, I guess, but RK for her initials or something...

Grimmjow was playing in a bin of yarn that just magically appeared out of nowhere. Oh. Wait. No, he's not playing in that yarn. He's attempting to strangle Nova's pill with it. Further attempts of Nova's killing include bombs, Chinese water torture, and nerve gas. All failed.

Grimmjow is actually quite entertaining...except for the whole STD part. I think I'll just calmly sit here and watch as he attempts to strangle an inanimate object. Because, quite frankly, I don't want to comfort anyone, glare at anatomically correct pictures, text, convince the American government to 'take me to their leader,' sew, eat paste, watch gay porn, point at the ceiling, or try to win Sara's attention.

Because I'm actually normal. The rest of them...there's something wrong. Something, very, VERY, wrong.

**_January 2  
Friday  
Watching Grimmjow attempt to strangle an inanimate pill  
Hitsugaya_**

**A challenge sent in from Aruguealot. And Happy New Year everybody!**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL MAKE SZAYEL RAPE YOU IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT!!!**

**Later!  
Skyskat**e**r  
And Shiro-chanჯ**


	53. Our First Flame

**Skyskater's Daily Note: We are only responding to one review today.**

**That review is a FLAME. **

**Daily Advice: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.**

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Please turn your attention to Skyskater, as she will be talking for these first few paragraphs.

Okay, everybody. Yesterday we got a flame from an anonymous reviewer called noname. In response to that review, which you can all read if you want to, here are some key points I would like to make clear:

1. Actually, the "ALSO, DON'T FLAME" things are yet another part of this comedy story...if you don't appreciate that, fine. Whatever. Second, since you're the only flamer, I see no reason not to keep doing that.

2. A child? Well, then. Okay. Whatever. Nope. I'm still bolding my A/Ns. In case you haven't noticed, this story has been in the same - well, okay, almost exactly the same - format for SIXTY EIGHT, 69 now, chapters.

3. Yes, I am somewhat high from getting 1000 plus reviews. Alright. So I'm a bit of a review whore. So what? Also, on the contrary, I do write because I enjoy writing. However, I also like getting reviews. I don't expect my other stories to sell as much as this one does. I do expect them to get at least 3 reviews, however. I have a standard for myself. Frankly, if I were to read all the stories I've ever written, I doubt I would find a single really good one. And what does it matter to you if I delete my stories or not? Wait a moment...so...did you just read through my entire profile and part of this story just to chew me out? Wow. I'm not sure whether to feel flattered or amused by this.

And lastly, if you reviewed this story just to chew me out, okay. Whatever. I seriously, and in all honesty, do not care. Because you are the only one out of what, 1016 reviews? to actually say something bad. If you think I'm going to go off and cry in the corner, yeah. You'd better move on to the next story, dude. You're not going to get emotions from me here.

MOVING ON NOW. Oh, and sorry for the short chapter guys. It's my mom's and dad's anniversary, so I don't have a lot of time.

* * *

Okay. Back to me again. Hitsugaya. Yes, we did indeed get a flame yesterday from an anonymous reviewer who basically called Skyskater a child and a review whore and that her reasons for writing were petty and blah blah blah. Who am I to comment on that? But...whatever. Her problem.

So anyway, Ichigo has let Hichigo get the better of him. Why? I don't exactly know. Maybe because Sara wasn't showing him enough attention or whatever. But yeah. Hichigo has broken out of Ichigo's mind, shaking himself like a wet cat. And, well, there were mixed reactions to that, the most prominent being Grimmjow's...

Grimmjow, who was attempting to destroy Nova as he has been doing for the past few chapters, this time using methods such as:  
A blender - Epic phail.  
A food processor - Another epic phail.  
A mallet - He hit his thumb and started yowling.  
Attempting to whip the pill - Which didn't work, because he could never hit the target anyways.

Grimmjow, anyway, was all, "Hey, Hichi, how ya been?" and Hichigo was all, "Get the fuck away from me, dude. I already have your herpes. I don't need another disease."

And Grimmjow went off to the corner to cry. I think he's been taking emo lessons from Ulquiorra.

So then Hichigo went on a rampage for some ungodly reason. He swiped Yumichika's and Il Forte's Sidekicks away from them, he ripped the anatomically correct pictures on the walls and broke Ikkaku out of his trance, he told Chad that there was no way in hell that he'd get to go to America even if he had his passport, he called Jenny Craig and put Orihime and Matsumoto on a regular diet, he told Sara never, ever to be in a fifteen-foot radius with Ichigo ever again, he put Rukia on a jet plane and shipped her off to Area 51, he told Szayel that he was, in fact, very, very gay, he recommended both Renji and Ulquiorra to a psychiatrist, he cut off Urahara and Yoruichi's supply of porn, he took Nova's pill away from Grimmjow, and...for some unknown reason, he started to believe that I was his brother. Maybe because of the hair color or something.

So he was all, "So, bro, how do you put up with all this?"  
And I was like, "I don't know. You know?"  
"Yeah, I know what you're talking about."  
"Yup...."

"Been raining here lately?"  
"What are you talking about?"  
"Whose mind are we in?"

"We're not in anybody's mind! You broke out into the real world!"  
"I did?"  
"You did."  
"I don't believe you."

Then he jumped out a window, breaking the glass, and started running off to God knows where. All I know is that there were a series of several small earthquakes and an enormous dust cloud rising out of the direction he had come from. And then a huge explosion and a mushroom-shaped cloud of yellow smoke.

Then he came back, panting and swearing. He held out his hand. There lay Nova's pill. Still, of course, perfectly intact. Even though it appeared as though he had tried several variations of a nuclear bomb explosion to the pill. There were no scratches, no dents, no nothing. I mean, I was pretty impressed.

"Okay," he panted. "I give up. I surrender. I want to go home now."

And he passed out on the floor. Needless to say, Ichigo's gonna have to be paying some heavy damage bills.

Grimmjow: 0. Hichigo: 0. Nova: 13.

**_January 3  
Saturday  
Wondering what to do with Hichigo's passed out body  
Hitsugaya_**

**A challenge sent in by SutaakiHitori.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL MAKE YOU PAY SOME HEAVY DAMAGE BILLS FOR DAMAGE YOU DID NOT DO!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	54. A Scream To Wake Up the Dead

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Okay. Fine. Copy and Paste, you win. No more answer reviewer chapters. Happy now?**

**And alright. Yes, I do care about flames even though I said I didn't. I admit it everybody. I really do care. So, Copy and Paste, you can't exactly call me as obstinate. Because I did take the time to read what you wrote, and I did act accordingly. **

**Daily Advice: Nova got 13 because he survived the thirteen things he went through: sawed in half by Pantera, cut in half by Byakuya's teeth, karate chopped, thrown against the wall, thrown under the wheels of a truck, being thrown into the ocean, chainsaws, power drills, arsenic, strangulation, bombs, Chinese water torture, nerve gas, blender, food processor, whip, and a mallet. And nukes. I miscounted. It was supposed to be Grimmjow: 0. Hichigo: 0. Nova: 18.**

* * *

I really don't understand where the hell somebody would live in the whole freaking world for a birthday present to me to arrive, what, two weeks late? Seriously! I don't know who Arrancar Baka is, nor do I think I want to know. But I must commend you, whoever you are, for wholeheartedly agreeing with me. Because Arrancars are stupid. Let's check out the facts here:

Grimmjow - He's spent the previous chapters trying to destroy a PILL.  
Il Forte - He's whining about how his Sidekick - which is a type of phone - got stolen...and don't tell me "Oh yeah, I know it's a type of phone!" Some people just don't know, or just don't care to know.  
Szayel - He's whining about how he's not gay...but in reality, he is. If any guy with pink hair is gay, does that make Hachi gay too? And with who? Who would he deem big enough to be in a relationship with him? Not Omaeda. Possibly Lumina and/or Verona.  
Ulquiorra - IS PREGNANT. Nuff said.

But on the tag of this specific birthday present, it says, "To Hitsugaya." They spelled my name right. Another point for this mystery person.

So I opened it. Inside were two chibis. None of which I know. One of them was a girl...that is a girl, right? I can't tell anymore. that had a partial Hollow mask on her face, like an Arrancar, and the other one looked strangely like someone I know but I can't place my finger on it. Kind of like the type of person L might be friends with. I really hope that L didn't send these presents to me. I seriously hope he didn't. He's supposed to be in Ouran High School Host Club making friends and wooden cat dolls with that scary dude in the black cloak. That guy probably has a white van, too. All criminals have a white van. It's, like, a law. Haven't you ever noticed how most kids that are kidnapped are last seen entering a white van? Yeah. Uh-huh.

Okay. Now I just want to know who the hell decides to give a Soul Reaper, much less a boy captain, dolls for his birthday. I seriously want to know who does that.

Other than Szayel, because he's gay and also plays with dolls that are very badly made. Other than Ulquiorra, who is totally into Hello Kitty. And other than Verona and Lumina, who support all things gay and that is why they are outfitted perfectly for Szayel.

So yeah. So I got dolls for my birthday from this mysterious person. Oh wait. The tags on the dolls say, "Arrancar-Baka and Mello." Whoever they are. I don't know them.

So, of course, there were mixed reactions - as there always are - to my getting dolls for my birthday in a belated birthday present.

Matsumoto: "Now who in the HELL would send you dolls?"  
Renji: "Grunt."  
Byakuya: "I wholeheartedly agree with that statement, Renji."  
Urahara and Yoruichi: "I think someone out there is trying to tell you something."  
Rukia: "Area 51 was a great place. However, I didn't see any of my brethren there, and they promptly booted me off the premises."  
Ichigo: "Can I have them to give to Sara?"  
Ulquiorra: "Arrancar-Baka and Mello do not compare to the wonders of Hello Kitty and Chococat."  
Szayel: "I'm NOT gay! I'm not I'm not I'm not!"  
Orihime: "Umm...that's nice?"  
Grimmjow: Was too busy still attempting to destroy Nova using stabbing by spork, sitting on it, and microwaving it. All PHAIL.  
Il Forte: "Like, dude. Just give me my Sidekick back. Your brother has it."  
Yumichika: "Totally."  
Ikkaku: "My body is way better than those pictures! It is...right?"  
Chad: "I've given up on America. Canada, here I come!"  
Ishida: "Actually, the odds of getting a doll, especially since you are male and clearly straight, for your birthday, is at least a million to one. This person has apparently defied the odds -" and blah blah blah.

But whatever. I don't really care why I got dolls. You know, I would rather get dolls than that gay porn Gin sent me for my birthday, which was completely and utterly wrong and which I never want to see. Ever again. Now, Szayel might like that kind of shit, but I DON'T. I DON'T. I DON'T I DON'T I DON'T I DON'T I DON'T! And don't say I'm in denial about my true feelings for Gin, because I DO NOT HAVE FEELINGS FOR GIN! I DO NOT HAVE FEELINGS FOR ANYBODY!!!!!!!!!! I've sworn off love and sex, remember? Although.....do you have to be in love with someone to have sex with said person? I suppose you don't, because Grimmjow has sex with a lot of people whose names he doesn't even remember in the morning anyways....Maybe when I'm older and actually sexually active, maybe then I'll consider breaking my vow of celibacy.

But I still shall not love. Because I refuse to. Bad things happen when you fall in love.

A) You get STDs  
B) You are infected with an insanity virus  
C) You are infected with cannibalism  
D) You are featured in a porn video  
E) You obsess over an American transfer student who is not at all interested in you  
F) You get pregnant. Heaven forbid.  
G) You are in denial over your sexual orientation even after multiple people, including your own brother, that you are gay.  
H) You eat really weird stuff and are not very good with words and responsibility.  
I) You have to contact said person with your phone even if they are not five feet away from you.  
J) You mope over pictures because they are buffer than you.  
K) You fail to get into any other countries because of your poor language habits.  
L) You become a geek.

None of those options are...well, good for me at the time being.

So I shall not love.

Oh, Jesus. That scream that Grimmjow just let out, dear God. That was a scream to wake up the dead. Literally. I think I even saw Ichigo's mom wandering around looking for the source of it.

Reason was, he was trying to electrocute Nova's pill, and ended up electrocuting himself. But since he's an Arrancar, and an Espada no less, he didn't die. But he did feel a mass amount of pain. At least, that's what I'm hearing right now.

Dear God. Someone needs to SHUT HIM UP BEFORE I GO INSANE.

LAALLALALALALALALALALALA I Can't hear you....

**_January 4  
Sunday  
Going insane  
Hitsugaya_**

**A challenge sent in from Arrancar-Baka.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL INFECT YOU WITH RENJI'S INSANITY VIRUS!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	55. Texting Withdrawal

**Skyskater's Daily Note: I'm doing well! Thanks for asking =D**

**You can now send in requests for Alternative Soul Society Stories...well, not like you ever couldn't...but...xD**

**Daily Advice: This story is about to get even crazier. In come Kenpachi and Mayuri. I think we all know what's gonna happen xD.**

* * *

Um, hello. I'm a CAPTAIN. I can handle these things on my own. I don't need other people to figure out life's crises for me. But NOOOO. Everybody thinks I'm just a little boy, and that I can't handle anything.

But of course not.

Basically, to put things simply, we ran out of toilet paper. In the only bathroom in the house/shop. Why? I don't know. Because we had a LOT of toilet paper. I mean, we had a whole crate of the jumbo-sized, triple, quadruple-ply rolls or whatever you call them! We had A LOT of toilet paper. Enough to last us through the next Ice Age, even. And somehow we ran out. Theories include:

Renji ate it.  
Byakuya ate it.  
Rukia used it to try and lasso the moon.  
Ikkaku wanted to buff up his body.  
Yumichika's brush that he uses to powder his face broke. Or Il Forte's brush broke.  
Szayel was attempting to make a mummy.  
Urahara and Yoruichi went and TPed a whole city. Just for kicks.  
Chad used it to write letters to his brethren in Canada.  
Grimmjow used it as an attempt to suffocate Nova.  
Ulquiorra used it as a substitute for bubble wrap to encase his precious Hello Kitty/Chococat merchandise in.  
Orihime and Matsumoto used it as a new kind of food product.  
Ichigo used it to give as a present to Sara.  
Ishida used it for sewing.  
Or, of course, Hachi wanted to use it as his new product: Hachi's Magical Toilet Paper.

But so we ran out of toilet paper. Yoruichi was shocked out of her wits, shocked enough to stop having sex with the random dude on the ground, and Urahara got so freaked out he sent a distress call of complete and utter urgency to Soul Society. This distress call was promptly accepted (I don't know why...maybe the people up there don't have enough to do!), and Kenpachi and Mayuri were sent down in order to assist us in our time of need. Whatever.

So the two captains came down here to help us out. Mayuri promptly got himself interested/distracted with Szayel's latest study in "Texting Withdrawal, Subjects: Il Forte Grantz and Yumichika Ayasegawa" and Kenpachi, well, he demanded to be taken to this problem. So when we showed him the empty toilet paper roll, and told him we needed more "paper for the toilet", he promptly ran off, bulldozing through several walls and leaving a Kenpachi-shaped hole behind him. I was pretty surprised when he came back an hour later. I was expecting him to be gone far longer than that, being as how he has no sense of direction, but when you're bulldozing through walls like they don't even exist, then heck. You get around pretty quick, I guess.

But he came back an hour later. In one hand, he was holding a toilet. In the other, he was holding large quantities of paper with the brand "Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company" stamped on it. I don't know what the Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company is, but...whatever. So after we explained that we needed TOILET PAPER, aka that white stuff he used to wipe his ass, he looked at us all funny and said, "So...you mean to say you don't use leaves?"

Okay. I officially am grossed out. Now I know where Renji began the dream to pursue his primitive desires. I blame Kenpachi. It's a wonder how Yachiru's hair manages to stay so pink and clean. You'd have thought it would have been all dirty and soot-black.

But anyway. He bulldozed through another set of walls and came back in fifteen minutes lugging a crate of toilet paper. I looked out the hole he had made in the wall, and let me tell you. Kenpachi could probably set off another World War if he wanted to. By himself. With the world as his enemy. There were fires, spewing hydrants, people running around screaming, the whole shibang. All started by ONE MAN. On a mission. A mission to get us toilet paper.

Now, why we couldn't have just gone to the store and calmly bought another crate of toilet paper, I will never know. But here, I guess it's that urge to needlessly complicate things that keeps us going.

And then Kenpachi spent the next hour trying to figure out how to get the toilet paper onto the roll. Or, rather, the toilet paper metal rack thing off the holders. Finally, in the end, he got his sword, calmly sliced the rack in half, pushed the toilet paper on it, and left. Problem solved. NOT.

Of course, if your definition of Kenpachi calm is cackling demonically to yourself while slicing through a toilet paper rack.

Mayuri stayed with us. I don't know why. It appears as though he and Szayel are having a very good time together, studying the effects of what they are now calling 'Texting Withdrawal Syndrome". It looks as though he and the gay dude are going to publish a seven hundred page report about symptoms of texting withdrawal and why it is a good idea not to get unlimited plans so teens are encouraged not to blow their texting bill through the roof.

And it looks like Kenpachi will be randomly appearing from time to time, since he wants to keep an eye on his other two officers. Probably because he wants to make sure they are not becoming civilized. Well, okay. In Ikkaku's case, to make sure he doesn't stop pondering about why the sky is blue so that he can remain stupid to fight without abandon because his mind will be on something else. In Yumichika's case, to make sure that he stays pretty, because if he doesn't, then the 11th division will lose a valued member. Whatever.

But yeah. So now, here I am, stuck with the problem of gluing the toilet paper rack together. With SuperGlue. Nobody else is entrusted to do this job, because they would glue themselves to...themselves...

I don't understand why we can't just buy a new toilet rack. But no. Urahara claims this is a special toilet rack, said to hold special powers and passed down from his great-great-great-grandmother. "A priceless family heirloom." he said.

I fail to see how a toilet rack is a priceless family heirloom. But whatever. Might as well humor him.

**_January 5  
Monday  
Gluing together "a priceless family heirloom" aka Stainless Steel Toilet Rack  
Hitsugaya_**

**A challenge sent in by Evil Demon Warrior Bunny.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL SEND KENPACHI TO YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD AND MAKE HIM START A WORLD WAR ALL BY HIMSELF! ON YOUR DOORSTEP!!!!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	56. The Crash

**Skyskater's Daily Note: The URGP has been changed once again!**

**We are now aiming for 2009 reviews!!!**

**Daily Advice: It looks as though from here on out every chapter will be a challenge of some sort...xD**

* * *

I think Ichigo's found a new reason to be depressed. And not because Sara rejected him for the millionth time, not because Uryuu rejected his advances, not because he had to pay the damage bill for what Hichigo did with the nukes a few chapters back, but because he just recently found out that Kon had made out with Grimmjow in his body when he was gone doing whatever he was doing at the time.

But anyway, Grimmjow found out. He FOUND out. I'm pretty surprised he didn't learn this earlier, but I suppose when you spend your time trying to blow up an insignificant little pill, you're kind of oblivious to what's going on around you, aren't you?

Right. Grimmjow was being too assumptive, and so he was all, "Okay. I think I'm gonna make out with that one orange-haired dude again, just for the heck of it!" And grabbed Ichigo and started passionately kissing him. I mean, COME ON PEOPLE! We're in freaking public and you're doing this! If you just absolutely HAD to do it, you could have at least waited until we were in the privacy of some place else!

I am not associated with these people. I don't care what Tite Kubo says. I'm really not.

But yeah. So after Ichigo shoved Grimmjow off of him and said, "What the fuck, dude?! Now I'm gonna fucking get herpes, mono, or AIDS! OR ALL OF THE ABOVE! What is WRONG with you?"

And then Grimmjow was all, "Aww, baby, come on. You remember me, right? From Victoria's Secret? You went there with that one big boobed chick with the hair clips and the orange hair...you remember, right? I was gonna get your number, but then that annoying little bitch came and interrupted us...."

"...What in the flying fuck are you talking about this time?" Ichigo asked, raising an eyebrow.  
"Come on, darling! You remember. I know you have to. I'm a great kisser...nobody forgets kisses like mine that easily."

Yeah. They don't forget because they have herpes. That's why.

"I've never kissed you before. Willingly, at least."  
"...Hmm...maybe you were drunk that day, sweetie....perhaps I'll just have to show you again what we did in that one stall...."  
"We did NOT DO ANYTHING IN A STALL! And I have never been drunk!"  
"Babycakes, don't say things like that...you must be in denial. I know, I know, it's not easy knowing you forgot someone as sexy as me, but you just have to accept this and move -"  
"WE HAVE NEVER MADE OUT, WE HAVE NEVER KISSED WILLINGLY, AND WE MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT DO ANYTHING INAPPROPRIATE IN A VICTORIA'S SECRET STALL!!!!!" Ichigo screamed. Several mothers around us covered their children's ears and told their kids, "Don't listen to the scary man, he's just a little crazy, that's all..."

Grimmjow looked absolutely confused. Hell, I could practically hear the single cog in his head whirling around, trying to process this information. That cog must be very lonely.

"Do you have an equally gorgeous twin, sweetness?"  
"I don't have a twin! And stop calling me names!"  
"Hmmm...but you taste exacxtly as you did that last time...you have to be the same person. Why don't you remember, love? You have to!"  
"WE NEVER KISSED! How many times do I have to shout that before it gets through your thick head?! What, were you dropped on your head as a baby?!"

Huh. More than once. And probably into a fire or something. Because Grimmjow clearly is not the sharpest pencil in the pencilbox.

Or he's a few tacos short of a combo plate. Whichever one floats your boat.

"Hmm...do you have any other identities that I might want to be aware of before I ask you the question again?"  
"Any other identities, what the fuck are you talking about? Are you baked?"  
"No. I haven't been high since a few months ago. And that was kissing you, sweetcheeks."

Ichigo's already short and frayed fuse blew. He turned a variety of colors, from pink to red to purple to blue. It was quite entertaining, actually. He lifted a finger as if to shout something at Grimmjow, but in the end, he turned on his heel and walked away. I think Byakuya's been giving him some lessons about the whole turning-the-back-and-walking-away grandly thing. I mean, I guess Byakuya practices that walk a lot....well, before he realized he did have feelings for Renji.

Grimmjow's brain died. It had to. The cog crashed, fell, bounced around in his empty skull. I could hear it rattling in there, like a penny in a piggy bank. I swear I could.

He gaped after Ichigo. A bee flew in. And stung him on the tongue. No reaction.

"You know, I think the poor guy just crashed," Il Forte murmured, his fingers twitching and spasming. Probably a symptom of Texting Withdrawal.

"Like, totally. You just say it, boyfriend." Yumichika. ...? What the hell?

"Grunt." Renji.  
"Renji, that was rather insightful of you. Yes, let's do that." Byakuya.

"Should we investigate the symptoms of Astonishment next?" Szayel.  
"Quite, quite. We shall. And use this lovely blue-haired creature as a specimen." Mayuri.

...Okay....

But in the end, we dragged Grimmjow back to headquarters aka Urahara's Shop. He was still frozen there, his hand up, raised out, as if reaching for a person, his mouth open, his eyes widened, and his entire body stiff. We couldn't get him to go into the shop, even in his frozen state, so in the end, we just left him outside. Like a statue, you know.

And in the morning, there were several pigeon shit stains on him. He was still frozen. Mayuri and Szayel grabbed him, and promptly went away giggling to a secret hideout to perform several tests on him or whatnot....

I think I'm going to go lie down now. I can't bear to be there when he wakes up, finds that he's being a test subject, realizes that he was kissing another form of Ichigo aka KON, realizes that he's been rejected by someone for the first time ever, and then promptly runs away blasting through walls to get to a happy place. I think that if Kenpachi and Grimmjow were to team up with each other, they could definitely cause a World War III all by themselves simply by blasting through walls and leaving utter chaos in their wake.

And even if Saudi Arabia, China, the United States, Iraq, Pakistan, France, England, and Germany all teamed up on them, they would still come out triumphant.

Excuse me. I need to go lie down in someplace where nobody will look for me. I don't want to be bothered right now. Hmmm....the bathtub looks like a good place....

**_January 6  
Tuesday  
Going to lie down in a bathtub  
Hitsugaya_**

**A request sent in by Kosa Kinoshita's friend, who wanted a chapter where Grimmjow meets Ichigo when it's actually Ichigo and not KON.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL BLAST THROUGH THE WALLS OF YOUR HOUSE AND LEAVE UTTER CHAOS IN ITS WAKE!!!!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	57. A Potential New Target

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Everybody note that in the last chapter, the tub was empty and not filled with water. Also, I believe that nobody had sex in said tub unless I wrote that in another chapter and can't remember???**

**Who would have sex in a tub anyway? Wouldn't that be really uncomfortable? ...**

**Daily Advice: Hmm...since I might need help awarding everybody in the last chapter for something, can you guys think of things to give awards for? Like 'Most Challenges Issued,' 'Most Influential', 'Most Words in a Review', etc. etc.**

* * *

The world is turning upside down. For me, at least. Hell, at this point, I might just be convinced into digging a hole - NOT to China, it's our neighbor, practically! - but to the grand old US of A. Using nothing but plastic spoons. I just might be convinced into doing that, the way things are going right now.

Apparently under Mayuri's orders, or rather, more like Soul Society's orders, Nemu came down to Earth. Probably to keep her insane father in check and make sure he eats something substantial while he cackles demonically to himself while writing a 700 page essay about the effects and symptoms and causes of texting withdrawal. I hope Nemu doesn't follow these orders. He doesn't have to eat. He can starve to death for all I care.

But whatever. So Nemu came down here. I mean, there are many questions circulating on how Nemu came to be created.

Option 1: Mayuri actually seduced someone into sleeping with him. NO.  
Option 2: Mayuri is asexual. NO. I HOPE NOT.  
Option 3: Mayuri stole eggs from some poor woman he was doing a physical on, impregnated the egg, and raised a test tube baby. YES. Probably.

And many more options that I'd rather not go in depth about, some of the more mysterious ones involving cyanide, a crow bar, and a strand of Shuuhei's hair.

Right. So she came down from Soul Society to keep watch on Mayuri. And then what does Ichigo do? Since he was all depressed over learning that Grimmjow had kissed his body while KON was in it, he tried to have a rebound relationship with Sara, who of course was not interested and never was. So then when Nemu came down, he saw a potential new target. And of course leaped for the chance. Except he took it just a tad too far. No. More like WAY too far.

Basically, Ichigo screwed Nemu. Yes. Ichigo had sex with Nemu, a creature who is probably asexual, a creature whose origins are not even KNOWN or confirmed. I mean, Rukia was normal before she started the whole Spaceship 'RK Phone Home' gig and the Area 51 thing. She was fairly normal compared to everybody else. And then Ichigo banged her. And now look what happened.

I actually was not there to catch them doing it - thank freaking God! it's about time I get a break! - but I heard the whole report from a rather drunk Matsumoto, who basically verbally vomited out the whole incident before she passed out. Apparently the only noises coming from said room - wherever this room was - were only Ichigo's. No shit. Nemu doesn't talk unless she has to.

What I'm trying to figure out is 1) What's going to happen to Nemu after this...will she turn weird like Rukia? and 2) What will Mayuri do to Ichigo upon learning this? If he does do anything?

Because, I mean, Mayuri will probably do a checkup on Nemu. He does those kinds of things. Like how Szayel put stuff in his own BROTHER to examine the fights and stuff of the other people. And then Mayuri's gonna find out that Ichigo had sex with her somehow. And oh man. If he does react to something like that (which he might not, being the emotionless uncaring bastard that he is), then let's just say good-bye to our beloved Berry. And write an obituary while we're at it.

All I can say is: Nemu better not get pregnant. I mean, seriously!

A. There was Orihime, whose babies were at least seven months premature, if not more, because they all grew super fast like Bella's baby in Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer. Not to mention she was impregnated by a guy who just realized that he is now gay. And then she had deciplets, sent ten of them off to orphanages, kept one, and named it Zohan.

B. There's Rukia, who goes around waving kitchen utensils and calling for the Mothership.

C. There's Ulquiorra, who is a MAN. And who got impregnated by a WOMAN. Now. How is THAT normal?

Yeah. But if Nemu gets pregnant, I swear I will scream. I will freak out. I will hang myself from the closet rod. I will actually allow myself to stoop so low as to converse with Renji/Byakuya, I will play tea party with Ururu with these chibis of Arrancar Baka and Mello, I will do whatever it takes just to stop this one asexual woman from getting pregnant. Because I don't want this to happen. Life is stressing enough as it is without another pregnancy.

Now. Yet another question for you all to ponder before I go to bed. Or a few questions, actually.

Was Nemu actually willing to have sex with Ichigo? Or was it rape? And if so, why didn't she scream for help?

My answers to said questions, just so you know what my opinions are about the whole thing:

1. Nemu probably had no opinion about it and just let Ichigo do whatever the hell he wanted to do. She's dumber than a bowl of mice.

2. Was it rape? ...Is there such a thing as raping an asexual creature? And if so, would she get pregnant if she's asexual?

3. She probably can't scream. Mayuri probably turned off the 'Screaming Gene' thing when she was a baby. If she was ever a baby.

Now, please excuse me. I have a really bad headache and need to go rest. I can't deal with things like this at the moment. Please contact me later.

**_January 7  
Wednesday  
Going to lie down  
Hitsugaya_**

**A challenge sent in by NarutoGirl1327.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL MAKE ICHIGO HAVE A REBOUND RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU!!! AND YOU WILL NOT LIKE IT!!!!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	58. Do Canadians Speak Swahili?

**Skyskater's Daily Note: We're all stupid. Including me. We totally forgot about anonymous reviews. -.- Please excuse me while I go facepalm in the act of a highly stressed individual.**

**So you don't have to do the PM review thing anymore. You can just do an anonymous review. Wowzers. Why didn't we think of this before? xD**

**Daily Advice: This isn't really advice, but I just want to say 'Thank you' to Copy and Paste. I shall try to stop review whoring and threatening people (when not in a humorous light). Oh, and of course a grand thank you to everybody else who has read this story as well!**

* * *

Of course. Something is going wrong with Nemu. I predicted this would happen, but of course NOBODY listened to me. Why? Because I'm just a "naive little boy" that does not know how to handle even a crisis such as buying more toilet paper from the department store. Which we had to call not one, but TWO captains down for, both of whom are insane, one of whom stayed behind, and the other who practically started a local wildfire all by himself.

Nemu, instead of watching over Mayuri and making sure he eats at least something substantial every day, has been doing a very in-depth report about the history of thongs and all things related to thongs and general underwear. I mean, now, not like just a report for school or anything where you can research the history of absolutely anything and still get a good grade, but, like, she's writing a seven hundred freaking page report on thongs and their greatness. I don't understand her. I guess Mayuri did have to transfer his genes to her somehow, because there is no other human/thing alive that would do something like that. Besides the Kurotsuchi family. So I guess that's the answer to my first question: Nemu has been acting weird ever since the whole Ichigo-and-me-had-sex incident.

In accordance to my second question, 'What will Mayuri do upon finding out?' Mayuri has not found out yet. Instead, he is rather encouraging his "daughter" to go and explore the history of thongs and to return with a fully detailed lab report and some fieldwork evidence. Lab report: Wikipedia. Fieldwork: Pilfering Matsumoto's lingerie drawer. Which she has no shame about doing.

I think Nemu has no emotions. I really really think she does not have any emotions or feelings whatsoever. Because if she did, wouldn't she be embarrassed at going through another girl's underwear drawer? I mean, what normal girl does that to another girl's dresser? Wouldn't that be called, like, gayness? Unless, of course, your female friend happens to have a set of your underwear and you want it back because it's your favorite, or you left something in her underwear drawer, which of course makes it TOTALLY okay for you to go rummaging around in there....NOT.

But anyway, Nemu was ransacking the contents of Matsumoto's dresser. She was tossing out pair of underwear after pair of underwear, practically wallpapering Matsumoto's room with Victoria's Secret striped and polka dotted underwear. And when she found a porn magazine hidden at the very bottom of the drawer, she stopped for a moment to take some notes, then tossed that over her shoulder too. And hit Urahara, who had come to investigate the source of the commotion, square on the nose. The old pervert must have been in heaven.

Yoruichi didn't care. She was screwing yet another random guy on the ground and telling him he "was her first."  
Urahara, as I said before, had a porn magazine practically glued to his face.  
Ichigo was nowhere to be seen. Probably a good thing, as Rukia is very, very angry right now.  
Rukia is angry. I think it's partly because Ichigo screwed another girl and partly because the aliens haven't been in contact with her for a very long time. Apparently they do not "speak to mere mortals using lowly plastic, kitchen utensils."  
Renji said, "Grunt ng grunt ngh ugh grunt."  
Byakuya's response: "Now, Renji, I told you. You cannot say those words. Bad Renji. BAD Renji. Down, boy." Okay....  
Orihime was trying to comfort Rukia. Not working so well.  
Chad was attempting to contact the Canadian Government Office to see if he would apply to go there. I think he got the wrong number, though; the receiver was speaking in Swahili.  
Szayel and Mayuri were moving on to another report, this one titled: "The Five Stages of Depression. Subjects: Yumichika Ayasegawa, Il Forte Grantz."  
Yumichika and Il Forte were, once again, the spotlight of yet another twisted report. And were depressed due to the loss of their cell phones.  
Ikkaku was busy doing his luck luck dance and hoping that it would rain money.  
Ulquiorra, as pregnant as ever, was eating waffles. While sitting on a pile of trash.  
Matsumoto was shocked beyond belief that someone would go through her underwear drawer with such disregard; I think she was more shocked that Nemu showed no reaction towards the porn magazine than anything, though.

Now, I mean, Nemu's always been weird. When you have a name that is just one letter away from being "Nemo" from either Captain Nemo (whatever that was from) or Finding Nemo, the Pixar movie, you are bound to be weird. And not in that good "ha-ha" way. In the very bad, "get away from me, you freak!" kind of way. I suppose it has to run in the family, though.

But since Nemu does not go around cackling madly and attempting to diagnose every "illness" that comes along (some of the more interesting illnesses that Mayuri has concocted include the Romance Disease and the Daydreamer's Delirium), I suppose she can be considered fairly normal when compared to her father. Which makes me wonder who exactly her mother was. Her mother would have had to have been an EXTREMELY normal person for Nemu to turn out like that.

Then again, Nemu is kind of a slave to her father. So...maybe she's not even his daughter at all. Maybe she's just a programmed robot to do whatever he wishes.

That's some food for thought right there.

Please excuse me. I am going to ditch this Popsicle stand before I get hit by another one of Matsumoto's thongs.

**_January 8  
Thursday  
Ditching this Popsicle stand  
Hitsugaya_**

**A challenge sent in from Sarahlilly95.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL HAVE MAYURI DIAGNOSE YOU WITH AN ILLNESS THAT DOES NOT ACTUALLY EXIST!!!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	59. The Look

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Hummm....hmm. **

**Categories for awards including: "Most Words in a Review," "Most Random Person," "Best Avatar," "Most Influential Person," and "Reviews That Made Me Laugh the Most."**

**Copy and Paste is leading in the most words category, Assault Godzilla. xD. Most random is probably now a battle between Aruguealot and irule505. Best Avatar...not decided yet. Most Influential Person - satscout. Hands down. Reviews that Made Me Laugh the Most - this one's hard, but Assault Godzilla so far.**

**Advice: You cannot win more than one award. I'm sorry. That just wouldn't be fair. So everybody gets one!**

* * *

I tried to tell everybody that Byakuya's relationship with Renji was purely physical. And now that physical relationship has started developing into a sadomasochistic relationship of, like, the tenth degree. Or the uber degree. Whichever one is higher, as far as sadomasochistic relationships go. I mean, seriously! In the last chapter, Byakuya put Renji on a leash for apparently cussing someone out in Gruntspeak!

But, whatever. And I knew that Byakuya smiled PLACIDLY at Renji in one of the previous chapters was a sure sign that Renji was about to die. Well, or going to die sometime in the near future.

I was right. Nobody believed me, but I was right. They all found this out when they came home from work/school/having sex on the ground with a random person/trying to contact her friends beyond the stars/sewing club/landfill and came upon Byakuya trying to cook Renji. Renji, of course, probably thought this was some tribal ceremony in which he would be accepted into the highest level of his cult and would therefore have supreme authority. Byakuya, on the other hand, was probably just looking for a really big meal that was disposable. AKA Renji.

Byakuya apparently went out and purchased a huge saucepan. I mean, something that's, like, the size of the stove right there. So he had all four burners on and was seasoning the water in said saucepan while Renji stood beside him, smiling stupidly like the great idiot he is and probably waiting for Byakuya to throw him in a plate of lettuce leaves and toss him around with some Italian dressing, seasoned with salt and pepper. So that, you know. He could be accepted into the highest level of his cult or whatever nonsense he deluded himself into thinking.

When the water turned to boiling, and Byakuya turned to Renji with The Look, Renji freaked. I mean, Byakuya's Look is so powerful that it has a capital 'L' instead of a lower case 'l' like most other peoples' looks do. But I guess The Look is really powerful. I mean, like even more powerful that Ulquiorra's glare or Nnoitra's freaky I'm-gonna-rape-you-now-no-exceptions leer.

All I can say is that Renji has been watching too much Spiderman or reading too much DC comics with heroes in them. Because he promptly thought he was Spiderman and started to try to escape from Byakuya's evil Look of doom. So basically, since Urahara's entire house is one story, not including the basement, Renji leaped out the window, shattering glass and wounding himself in the process. Then he ran to the next house, but instead of stopping before the brick wall fence like he was supposed to, he ran right into it. I think he thought that that was how you clung to the walls if you were Spiderman or whatnot.

But then as Byakuya calmly went out the front door, turning the water down to a simmer, Renji continued to panic. And started scrabbling at the brick wall with his fingernails. When that didn't work, he ran into the wall again, as if this would help make the wall any less wall-ish. When THAT didn't work, Renji finally picked himself up, climbed the willow tree next to Urahara's Shop all the way to the top, got off at the roof, and started running. Or attempting to run.

Byakuya looked after him with a rather sad expression on his face.

And a few moments after said sad expression, Renji slipped on a loose shingle, tripped over the rain gutter, and promptly went plummeting down to Earth in a heap of limbs and clothes right in front of Byakuya. The sad expression was promptly wiped away by a thoroughly evil look that even the devil would have been proud of.

I mean, I'm writing this in my room right now, so all these events occurred in the past hour. I'm writing in here instead of in the kitchen like I normally do, because the kitchen is currently occupied with a few people and I do not want to go in there because my mental scarrage level will jump up another thousand if I do. I'll bet you it will if I go in there. I'm saving myself. It's called "Survival of the Fittest."

Well, based on what I can hear, I believe that Ulquiorra is trying to convince Byakuya out of cooking Renji.  
Szayel said, "I'll be quite glad to share the human with you, Kuchiki-san. Quite, quite glad."  
Il Forte and Yumichika were all, "Now, if we could sell the remains of this guy as pork bones, maybe then we'd have enough money to buy some new phones."  
Mayuri was all, "You eat humans, Szayel? Now, that's quite interesting. Perhaps we could conduct a study?"  
Yoruichi and Urahara - nowhere to be seen. Of course. The only adults here, and acting irresponsibly. I don't consider Mayuri to be an adult.  
Matsumoto - still in shock over her underwear drawer being raided.  
Nemu - seasoning the water.  
Ichigo - in the next world, probably, hiding from all the rest of us.  
Rukia said, "Well, Renji, you are a sad strange little man. You have my faith. Farewell."  
Orihime said, "My, my! This is quite an unusual combination of food!"  
Chad - "Goddamnit! Just let me into Canada already!"  
Ishida - "Now, Renji, if you do happen to be nothing but bones when you die, then allow me to sew you a skeleton outfit."

The facts basically are:

A. Byakuya's definitely insane.  
B. As Szayel is also.  
C. Ulquiorra is aiming to become a psychiatrist. He won't be good at it.  
D. Il Forte and Yumichika won't make much selling bones.  
E. Mayuri is...freakish...as is his daughter.  
F. Yoruichi and Urahara need to take charge of their own lives.  
G. Matsumoto needs to lock up her porn better.  
H. Nemu needs a life other than Mayuri's.  
I. Ichigo's very smart.  
J. Rukia is freaking weird. And likes Toy Story too much for her own good.  
K. Orihime is weird.  
L. Chad has anger issues.  
M. Ishida...is...well, too sewing obsessed. And that's not healthy.

Please excuse me while I go and hide in the attic. I don't want anybody coming in my room and demanding that I "join the fun." And the attic is the last place they're sure to look, as all of them are claiming that the attic is haunted by an ancient spirit called The Grudge. Hah! I'm not afraid of ancient spirits! And even if I were, choose the lesser of two evils, right?

**_January 9  
Friday  
Climbing up the attic stairs  
Hitsugaya_**

**A challenge sent in by x.-insane-chibi.x**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL SELL YOUR BONES AFTER BYAKUYA COOKS AND EATS YOU!!!!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	60. Everybody's Welcome!

**Skyskater's Daily Note: I apologize to everyone whose challenge is yet to appear...there has been a challenge issued that requires me to write it in this chapter.**

**Category time!!! Shortest Review: Hmm...let me go back and see the one-worders. Probably Mizuko Renka. Weirdest Pen Name: gubgub34. Why? Because it's 'gubgub.' And...I can't think of any more categories right now. Sorry. Plus I'd have to go back and see all the people who reviewed this story...that's gonna take a while. xD**

**Daily Advice: Help me think of more categories! A lot more!**

* * *

Okay. Turns out hiding in the attic was not actually a good idea after all. Because, as it also turns out, there is such a thing as an ancient spirit haunting said attic. Alright. I admit it. I was WRONG, for the first and only time in my life. Happy?

It turns out that The Grudge is very, very real. I mean, it's as real as Ikkaku's lack of hair or Renji's clear lack of sanity. That's how real it is. And I, Hitsugaya Toushirou, am willing to write and sign a petition to get rid of said spirit who tends to haunt attics and closets and occasionally bathtubs and girls' hair and beds in search of someone named Peter for no other reason than to haunt said places. Because we all know that the girl from Dark Water hides in the water tank and elevators and is unwilling to give up her precious space. But anyway, I want to get rid of those evil things festering in Urahara's attic. I mean, I guess he had this coming for some time now. Because God knows what he left up there that grew and began to live a life of its own....

Well, anyway, I had climbed up the attic stairs, leaving the door open behind me. I sat down in the middle of the attic. I waited for a while, and then I heard the creaking of a floorboard. I turned my head, and there, sitting behind me, was a woman and her little boy. My first reaction was: "...Maybe this is the family that Urahara's always had but since he wants to have sex with Yoruichi he hides them away in the attic and goes back to them at night." Something like that.

And then, when the woman reached out a hand for me, that was when I realized she had blood stains all over her body and had no jaw. Which at that point, I got really freaked out. I mean, wouldn't YOU be freaked out if there was a really pale woman and her equally pale boy sitting right behind you with the woman reaching out for you with her tongue lolling out of her head because she had no jaw to contain it? Exactly. That's what I thought.

I got freaked out. I drew out Hyourinmaru and chopped her hand off. She just looked at me. And then the boy started this whole meowing gig, and I was all, "Dude. You're not a freaking cat." But then his mom, she started making this really, really freaky sound that sounded like an old door creaking open, and that was when I lost any and all shreds of courage that I had left in my body.

I ran down the attic stairs - okay, more like rolled down them - slammed the attic door closed, threw the nearest piece of furniture against the door, and ran to the kitchen. Yes, the kitchen. Even though I had no intentions of being the decider of whether or not to cook Renji, I figured we had safety in numbers.

By that point, Urahara and Yoruichi had come back from wherever they had gone to, the latter smelling like sweat and something else equally disturbing, and I grabbed Urahara and demanded that he go and take care of those evil beings that he was keeping in his closet as "pets."

He looked at me oddly, and then he smiled. "Oh, I see you've met Yoko!" Like it didn't matter. "Oh, that charming woman. And her charming boy. They've been living in my attic for a while now. Yoko's quite pleasant to talk to, once you get past the whole dead body smell and the whole weird noise she makes and stuff."

"You don't CARE?" I practically screamed at him.  
"No, why would I? In this house, everybody is welcome!"

Please let it be known that at this point Grimmjow, who had apparently recovered from his state of shock and sentence out in the courtyard, came in holding the hand of no other than Deidara from Naruto. He smiled at Urahara, waved, and dragged the blonde off to somewhere else. Probably a bedroom so that he could have sex with said blonde.

Urahara looked at me and waggled his eyebrows as if to say, "See? What did I tell ya?"

But I mean, whatever. I've already decided to steer clear of the attic. I mean, like not getting within a hundred foot radius of the attic. And while being the decider as to whether or not Renji gets cooked and eaten may not be as bad as I once thought. Because I would, surprisingly, rather be refereeing that particular battle in which Ulquiorra seems to be winning (he has an advantage due to being a pregnant man) than hiding away in the attic and having tea and crumpets with Yoko and her "charming boy."

Note to self: If I can ever find that Killer Bunny from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, then I must lure it away from its lair with several carrots, cage it, then when it gets all riled up at being taken into captivity, let it loose in the attic. Two hours later, I'll go up and poke around and see if it did its job. Best case scenario: The bunny wins and Yoko and her son both die...well...if they could die again. Worst case scenario: The bunny wins, but escapes the attic and goes on a killing spree of Karakura. Either way, it won't exactly matter to me. Just as long as Yoko and her boy are taken care of.

**_January 10  
Saturday  
Refereeing the battle of to cook or not to cook Renji; NOT eating tea and crumpets with Yoko and her son  
Hitsugaya_**

**A challenge sent in by animefreak1004.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL PUT YOU IN THE ATTIC AND MAKE YOU HAVE TEA AND CRUMPETS WITH YOKO AND HER SON!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	61. Straight Up Caffeine

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Sorry I haven't updated in so long. My computer has yet another virus. -sighs-**

**However, for some reason, now it's allowing me to use it again without problems. Hmmmmm...oh well. =D**

**Category Time!!! Most Annoying Username: Probably Shadowed Dagger Rips Asunder, simply because of the sheer length of it....sorry. xD**

Kenpachi recently came down to Karakura again. Probably to see whether Renji - a former member of his division - was going to be man enough to escape the battle of whether or not he would be eaten or not. I mean, the guy even brought LAWNCHAIRS, which got Urahara all excited, popcorn, and those little fruit cocktails with the lemon slice on the edge and an umbrella that you can get practically anywhere. Oh yeah. And he brought Yachiru. No wonder he only got to be Captain of the 11th Division...he's too stupid to actually be captain of any otherh division. Because what sane person would actually bring YACHIRU TO THE HUMAN WORLD?! Wait for it...WAIT for it....none. Yeah. I didn't think so.

But anyway, I was refereeing said battle because I did not want to be in the attic with Yoko and her son eating tea and crumpets, I did not want to be in that random room of the house where Grimmjow was presumably screwing a Naruto character, and...yeah. And the training basement below Urahara's house was probably Yoruichi's reverse harem. No doubt about it.

Kenpachi is just so stupid. Have I mentioned this before? If not, I'll mention it again. Kenpachi is just so stupid.

God knows how many of those little cocktails with the orange slices on the rim and the little paper umbrellas Yachiru had. At least ten too many. If not more than that. It's very, very surprising that she manages to stay so small, given the amount of sugar she consumes. Then again, it's also amazing how Omaeda manages to actually win any battles, considering how...pudgy he is....

Personally, I think Soi Fong should cash in on him. You know, life insurance. Because one of these days, Omaeda is gonna drop down dead in the middle of a battle and that'll be the end of him. And for somebody as gargantuan as him, I would hope that there would be some money to cash in on.

But whatever. Enough about him. Back to what's going on.

Yachiru's on...a sugar high, for a better lack of words.

Kenpachi is just sitting in his lawn chair, a cocktail in his hand and laughing his ass off.  
Mayuri and Szayel probably want to tie Yachiru down and test her for some random disease that they made up on the spur of the moment.  
Renji and Byakuya...well, they're still fighting over whether or not Renji should be cooked.  
Ulquiorra is helping.  
Ikkaku is contemplating the sky outside, as he is quite prone to do.  
Yumichika and Il Forte are taking those online surveys and getting cash for it. To buy new phones, probably. I guess Yumichika's modeling career didn't pan out...after they discovered that he was indeed a man.  
Urahara and Yoruichi - You KNOW what they're doing.  
Grimmjow - In some random room having sex with a character that's not even supposed to be in this story.  
Ichigo - Somewhere else. Smart man.  
Rukia - Attempting to contact her friends and see if they'll be willing to go Ichigo hunting with her.

And the rest of them, I can't be bothered to write about.

* * *

But yeah. Kenpachi let Yachiru on a sugar high. I don't believe it. That man is irresponsible and is not to be trusted with children. Especially kids of the female perception, with pink hair, short, likes to eat candy, and loves to destroy random things just for the fun of it. I don't trust that man at all.

Anyway, Yachiru's sugar high took her up to the attic. Now, I wasn't gonna warn her about that, because...well...yeah. It's her own problem. But she went up to the attic, and stayed there for quite a long time. And when she came back down, she was dragging Yoko and her son with her, leaving a large trail of blood smears in her wake.

"Look, Ken-chan!" she says, all happy and whatnot. "Can we keep them? Huh? Can we keep them?" And chattering her head off like a rabid bunny who just had two cups of coffee. Or more like ten cups. More like a huge venti straight up caffeine infusion from Starbucks that's sure to give her diabetes.

Anyway, Kenpachi was all like, "Yeah, sure, Yachiru! We can totally keep them! But you're gonna have to find a place for them to live!"

Let me make it clear that at this point, Yachiru was probably brainstorming ways of convincing Mayuri to let Yoko and her son stay in his lab at nights. God knows what that man could do to the two things anyway. Probably turn them into some really bigass mutants and use them to start off the next World War along with Kenpachi and Renji.

But anyway, please excuse me. I need to go Yachiru hunting. She actually managed to find her way out of the house...okay. Okay. So she more like ran through the door, leaving a Yachiru-shaped hole behind. I can totally see that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Case in point: Kenpachi running through walls trying to find a toilet made of paper.

But anyway, I need to go and catch her before she aids Aizen and destroys most of Karakura.

Peace be with you, and if you see a rabid little pink-haired girl demanding candy, please turn around and walk away.

**_January 19  
Monday  
Going Yachiru-hunting, am arming myself with crossbow, tranquilizer darts, bulletproof vests, etc.  
Hitsugaya_**

**A challenge sent in by Linkin Park 4 ever...or however you spell your name.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL SET A RABID LITTLE PINK-HAIRED GIRL AKA YACHIRU ON YOU!!!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	62. From Whence They Came

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Challenges are accepted through...hmm....now until...let's make it July 21. If you don't send your challenge in then for the school year or for the summer, it will be put in next year's edition.**

**Yes, we are doing the summer of 2009 as part of this story. =D**

**Category Time! If Aruguealot, I decide to give the random award to irule505, you are automatically getting 'The One Who Has Issued Most Challenges'. Because it's true. Best Avatar Contest is...gonna take a while...if anybody would like to help me and PM me a list of people who have reviewed this story - complete would be great! - I could be done faster.......Anonymous reviews will not be entered in the Best Avatar contest for obvious reasons...**

* * *

Good news: I caught Yachiru before she did too much damage to Karakura. Super Good news: She didn't eat any children or puppies this time. Bad news: I have fangirls. Super bad news: Humongously rabid fangirls. That I don't want.

I mean, sure, people like Yumichika might like to have fangirls, simply because they're vain like that, but I don't WANT them! I want them to just go away! Good God! Don't they know, or rather, do they even care that they are in the middle of a warzone? A warzone that has, as of late, a rabid sugar high Yachiru, a laughing-his-ass-off-but-could-probably-cause-the-next-world-war-by-smashing-through-walls Kenpachi, Szayel and Mayuri (no explanation needed), a pregnant male who desperately wants to help the whole to cook or not to cook Renji situation and is actually winning said argument, and two ancient Japanese ghosts in search of someone named Peter and who are currently under the care of Yachiru. Poor souls. Maybe I should just kill them and end their misery?

Whatever. Enough about Yoko and her son who fantasizes about being a cat. Back to me and the actual plot of this story.

I have humongously rabid fangirls. Because it was in some challenger's sick interest to put fangirls into this story. I mean, I know I already have real world fangirls (not to sound like a snob, but it's true! And in this big world, little kids need to have a huge sense of ego to compensate for their size!) such as satscout and other people, but I didn't want, nor need, fictional fangirls. Because I don't like them. They scare me.

After I went out Yachiru hunting armed with my crossbow, my tranquilizer darts, several bulletproof vests, and some muffins to lure her away from whatever she was attacking at that point (heaven forbid if she attacked another bald man and chomped off his head!), several of these girls just came over and started cooing over how "brave" and how "strong" and how "chivalrous" I was to save them from the rabid pinkette beast aka Yachiru on a sugar high. And even when I stuffed Yachiru into a burlap bag and slung her over my shoulder just to make a point that that was the way I would treat any and all girls that stood in my way, they didn't even accuse me of anything. Not even like, "A kidnapper" or a "child molester through a burlap bag." But then again, I couldn't be a child molester anyway. Because I'm not sexually active yet. And do correct me if I'm wrong, but child molesters have to be sexually active to be able to molest a child, yes?

And who in their right mind would want to molest Yachiru? I mean, she's rabid, hyper, small, can bite really hard, and even if they did manage to get past all those barriers, they'd still have Kenpachi to deal with later.

Instead, in response to the whole burlap bag thing, they were all, "Oh! Oh my goodness, Hitsugaya-taichou! You're so responsible! You'd make such a good father!" and then the random shriek of, "HITSUGAYA, BE THE FATHER OF MY BABIES!!!!!" ...Okay...just out of curiosity, do these girls not know the difference between being a good caretaker and being stupid enough to let the thing run wild? Because you'd have to be really, really stupid to let Yachiru run free and not take the precaution of a burlap bag. It's been said that she has an odd fear of burlap for some reason and that the fabric placates her to such an extend that you could compare her with a person on really heavy medications that can't do anything. So therefore, it's been burlap, simply because nobody wants to contest with that unproven fact and be stupidly brave and try a plastic bag instead.

So as I walked back along the demolished streets of Karakura in which several houses were burning, dogs were barking, and couples were kissing each other as though it was the end of the world, this horde of fangirls followed me the whole way, cooing after me and telling me how handsome I was, how brave I was to save their city from this dangerous monster, etc. etc. Now, this would have been cool, you know, to be called handsome (nobody appreciates me!!!) and brave (once again, nobody appreciates me for what I do, even though I am right now taking Halibel on SINGLEHANDED), but at this point, it was just crossing the line from cool onto that other side of fear.

Halfway back to Urahara's house, I broke into a dead run, and they followed, running and shrieking like the mad girls that they were. I did not look back for fear that I would lose my footing and trip and then be suffocated by all these girls. And I doubt any one - kind- member of the reviewer population would want me to be suffocated by fangirls that I don't even know and that probably came from somewhere in Australia.

So I have just deposited the burlap-placated Yachiru inside the threshold of Urahara's house. She is their problem now, if they ever let her out - or should I say, have the mental retardedness to let her out of the burlap bag. Now, excuse me. I need to go through the tiring process of mailing all of these girls back to Australia or whichever place from whence they came.

**_January 20  
Tuesday  
Mailing fangirls back to Australia or whichever place from whence they came  
Hitsugaya_**

**A challenge sent in by our Australian friend Kukino3.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL STUFF YOU IN A BURLAP BAG!!!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	63. French Maid Masochistic Side

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Argghhhh....there are so many different people who've reviewed this...it's gonna be tough cooking up awards for all of you! =D**

**But...hmm...I wonder what I'll do for the people that review this story AFTER it's done??? I can't just give them an award then...any ideas, folks?**

**Daily Advice: Aruguealot, there was no need for you to send in four challenges at the same time. -.- You're not gonna lose your award.**

* * *

Well, Ichigo came back. And...some really wacky things happened.

As you will recall, Ichigo's last sighting was in Chapter 57 where he went and screwed Nemu Kurotsuchi because he was all emotionally depressed after finding out that Grimmjow had kissed his body while he was not in it. Said girl in question did not actually get pregnant, but she went on a raid of Matsumoto's underwear drawer, which Mayuri encouraged her to write a report about. Or, more accurately, a 700 page essay about the general history of thongs and underwear including fieldwork.

After Ichigo had sex with her, he ran away to somewhere else. God knows where he went. But whatever. He was absent for the past...what's 63 minus 57? Oh yeah. He was absent for the last six chapters, doing something else. Hopefully he had some peace there.

And now he returned. And, of course, as things tend to go in this story, something went majorly wrong with him. I mean, when you're absent for six chapters in a story, you can't expect to return and NOT have something bad happen to you, right? Right?

Alright. As you probably don't remember (you mere mortals read something and then it goes right out of your head five minutes later...and you WONDER why you get such low test scores!), Uryuu Ishida, the Quincy, was forced into a skimpy dress way back in Chapter 49. And has also proclaimed himself a masochist. Can you proclaim yourself as something? Doesn't someone else, preferably a sadist such as Kenpachi in this case, have to declare you one? Or how does that whole thing work? Well, anyway, he and Ichigo way back in Chapter 49 were all running, Uryuu in a dress, and Ichigo chasing after him, to quench their unfulfilled desires, or, as Kenpachi more verbosely put in upon hearing this, "They wanted to fuck in a really weird way."

And now that Ichigo has returned, the French Maid Masochistic side of Uryuu has returned. With a vengeance.

Basically, long story short, Renji escaped from the whole cooking because Ulquiorra threatened to CRY if Byakuya didn't stop it. And nobody can resist Ulquiorra's threats to cry. I mean, it's like the worst sound in the world. Like, even worse than nails screeching down chalkboard. Yeah. But Renji escaped and then his passion for creating traps in which to catch his primitive dinner came back.

He happened to set a trap right in the threshold of my room. I don't understand WHY exactly he did this, or WHAT exactly he was hoping to catch in a house. But...whatever. You'd have to ask him about that. Or more correctly, ask Byakuya to translate for you when you ask him. So he set a trap in the threshold of my room. I walked in my room, it being...well, my room, and I fell into the trap. Now, Renji may be primitive and whatnot, but the guy sure does know how to make some good traps. I'll give him that much.

But anyway, you must probably be asking yourself what the hell me walking into a trap set up by Renji has to do with Ichigo and Uryuu. Let me tell you.

The two of them were in my room having sex. That was probably why I didn't see the whole trap, because I was slapping my hands over my eyes and trying not to be more violated than I already am. I guess Ichigo had come back from wherever he was just so that he could catch Uryuu in the whole skimpy French maid dress and have sex with him. But why did he have to do it in MY ROOM?! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!!!!!!! Do people not understand the value of personal space? And don't these people understand that having sex with someone else should always be done in yours, or his/her room?!

Now, this is just bad karma. I have walked in on several people making out/having sex, but never, EVER, have I walked in on two men having sex. And not making out like Byakuya and Renji were doing before. But actually having sex.

In the words of Kenpachi about two guys having sex: "Where do all the bits go? It just don't make no sense."

Well, alright. Uryuu wasn't naked, he was in that French maid dress thingy, but Ichigo was. And Uryuu was screwing him. And then after THAT, as if it couldn't get bad enough, Ichigo made Uryuu strip and then HE screwed HIM. If that didn't make any sense, that's perfectly okay. I'm not entirely sure that I want to make sense.

I am inclined to believe that said Quincy was drunk at the time, if his glazed over eyes and high-pitched giggling had anything to do with it. But of course, I may be making excuses for other people. So he may or may not have been drunk. Just something I thought you should know.

At this point, me and Hyourinmaru alike were so desperate that I finally bankai-ed through the trap after being stuck in it trying to escape for two hours (that trap was pretty fucking strong, okay? What does Renji think he's gonna catch, a fucking elephant?) and escaped out the window. I stayed a good distance from Urahara's house for the next several hours, like any other sane person. Like any other INSANE person, I went back for dinner.

Now, if you remember how Uryuu got Orihime pregnant way back when, you remember how she got pregnant with ten kids, aka deciplets, right? Well, yeah. I think that Quincy men probably have a hard time finding anyone to screw and spread the family line on to that when they do have sex with someone, they automatically get said person pregnant and said person starts to show almost immediately in order to get the baby - or babies - out as soon as possible.

When I went back for dinner, Ichigo's normally flat stomach had a bulge in it.

He was PREGNANT.

I need to throw up now.

**_January 21  
Wednesday  
Throwing up  
Hitsugaya_**

**A challenge sent in by Mizuko Renka. Four pregnant people now in the story! Wow....Spoiler alert: Due to me trying to keep the level of confusion down just a little bit, Ichigo is going to have the kids in probably around...five chapters or so? So don't be too freaked out. And yes. Kids is multiple.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL CATCH YOU IN ONE OF THE TRAPS SET UP BY RENJI AND YOU WILL BE STUCK THERE WHILE YOU WATCH TWO MEN THAT YOU DO NOT LIKE HAVE SEX WITH EACH OTHER!!!!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	64. Gay Tentacle Rape Man

**Skyskater's Daily Note: OK. After a brilliant suggestion from Copy-and-Paste, we're only giving awards to regular reviewers. Regulars are determined by me. For example, people like satscout will be getting an award. People like Six fold Dimension will not, though.**

**Daily advice: So many challenges, so little time! Lay off the challenges a little, please!**

* * *

Let me organize my, and our, thoughts for a bit: Orihime was pregnant, gave birth to deciplets, sold nine, and kept one, which she named Zohan even though she's not Israeli. Out of the three people that are now pregnant:  
1) Ichigo is a male. And had sex in my room. With a Quincy who's supposed to be his eternal rival, whose bodily fluids are so effective that they impregnate both genders and cause a woman to get pregnant with 10 kids.  
2) Rukia - uses kitchen utensils, most often spatulas, to attempt to contact her friends from beyond the stars. Also related to Byakuya.  
3) Ulquiorra - The first male to get pregnant, is being counseled by Szayel...which...is not good.

So after you've seen how retarded this life of mine now is, I now must warn you of something concerning this chapter.  
1) If you don't like Luppi, aka Gay Tentacle Rapist, step away now.  
2) If you absolutely don't like Luppi, step away now.  
3) If you despise Luppi with every fiber of your being, RUN AWAY NOW.

Basically, by some unseen awkward spin of the wheel of fate (the same wheel which also had the good fortune to bring Szayel back from the dead), now Luppi aka Gay Tentacle Rape Man has come back to life. Now, that's bad enough. But now I also have to deal with counseling an emotionally heartbroken Byakuya. (I think he's faking it. He and Renji only ever had a sadomasochistic relationship anyway.)

Anywho, basically, Luppi, by some unseen all powerful wheel of fate, was just magically granted this ability to charm anyone and everyone he pleases. For some ungodly reason, Luppi decided that he wanted to charm Renji. I mean, out of all the people in the entire freaking universe, why would you decide to even want to THINK about charming Renji?

But whatever. Luppi's reasons are his own and I should not, nor do I want to, interfere with whatever his intentions may or may not be.

To put it bluntly, Luppi decided to use his newfound ability of charming people on Renji aka making out with Renji in a back storage room of Urahara's Shop. Yes, I know. Now, close your eyes, take a deep breath, then run to the bathroom and throw up the contents of your stomach. Or dry heave, if you haven't eaten in a long time.

Now that you've insanely decided to come back and continue reading the rest of this chapter, let's just say that Byakuya was nothing short of emotionally heartbroken and devastated. I doubt that he was actually emotionally heartbroken over the cheating of Renji; rather, he's probably heartbroken because I guess Luppi and Renji made out against the very same shelf that he and Renji had done so many weeks ago, and apparently that shelf was very dear to our poor Kuchiki captain.

How did Byakuya find Renji and Luppi's forbidden romance, you ask? Well, truth is, that giant cloud of bad karma that's been hovering over me for around the last six months and causing me to walk in on people in inopportune moments (or getting caught in an elephant trap) to watch other people against my will at inopportune moments, has decided to float itself right over our insane captain's pasta-infested head. All in all, Byakuya walked in on Renji and Luppi making out. After which he promptly ran out to another part of the house, in which he found Grimmjow and that Naruto character still having sex with each other (which I assume they've been doing for the past few chapters), after which he ran screaming out of the house, claiming that the world was out to get him for some wrong that he did not commit. Yeah, right. You only went wrong when you went insane, ate poor people's souls, came down to the mortal realm, decided to engage in a purely physical  
relationship with your lieutenant, and then attempted to cook said lieutenant, buddy boy!

For the time being, however, it is in my, and your, best interests for either Renji or Luppi to NOT get pregnant. If the former gets pregnant with Luppi's child, I would have him arrested for necrophiliaism, or whatever that really long word is that means having illegal sex with dead people, which, technically, Luppi is. If the latter gets pregnant, sooner or later there'll be all these little retard Arrancar babies setting up elephant traps in the thresholds of people's rooms while telling each other how bad so-and-so's fashion style is. (Hey, and when Skyskater said to lay off the challenges for a while, this means that you as a reader and of right now, are NOT allowed to challenge us to write a chapter in which either Luppi or Renji get pregnant. For those of you who are annoyed by this, please realize that we have a lot of challenges to get through!)

If you would be so kind as to excuse me now, I need to go and catch Byakuya before he does some serious damage to the town, or the occupants, or his already failing and short circuited frame of mind.

**January 30 (or 31, whenever you upload this)  
Friday (or Saturday)  
Setting out to go Byakuya hunting (armed with some of Szayel's self help and peer meditation books, including "Chicken Soup for the Insane, Cannibalistic, Heartbroken Captain's Soul")  
Hitsugaya**

**A challenge issued by ZacerioSan.  
Also, no flames! If you flame, me and Shiro-chan will have Gay Tentacle Rape Man impregnate you and you will have his babies!  
Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	65. Grave of the Fireflies

**Skyskater's Daily Note: In order to answer the question of Luppi's gender, he is a male. Surprisingly.**

**Daily Advice: It would be possible for Luppi to be a very flat-chested girl, but let's not go into that.**

* * *

I caught Byakuya by tempting him with a poor person's soul. After I lured him into captivity, so to speak, I handed him the book "Chicken Soup for the Insane, Heartbroken Captain's Soul", with which he was quite deeply engrossed in; he was so interested in it that he even failed to notice the dynamic duo of Renji and Luppi making out practically against the wall next to the front entrance of the shop. It's probably only a matter of time before Grimmjow comes and joins the party.

Anyway, since Byakuya was so depressed and emotional over reading one of the real life break up stories in the ChickenSoup novel, which was about a captain who had entered into a relationship with his lieutenant, then attempted to cook said lieutenant, and then was emotionally devastated when the lieutenant left him for another man, whose gender is currently under investigation with more details to come, he decided to go to Blockbuster and rent an anime movie.

Okay, so he went there more like to break into the shop and demand that they hand over all the anime movies in stock or he would kill them all and eat their babies.

Whatever. So after rejecting the Inuyasha movies, all seven hundred, seventy three and a half Pokemon movies, we settled for watching "Grave of the Fireflies," which is actually decently drawn and looked like it had an intriguing story line.

However, in the first few frames of the movie, it was so depressing that practically everybody was bawling their eyes out. Except for me, of course. There has to be at least one person in this story that can keep a straight face on.

Grimmjow was crying his eyes out on Deidara's shoulder, aka the Naruto character that will probably be blasted out of this story quite soon.

Urahara was wailing into his little paper fan thing, which has gotten quite soggy and looks to be on the verge of falling apart.

Yoruichi - Crying with some random guy.

Ulquiorra - Clinging very pregnantly to Szayel and sobbing about how tragic his life is.

Szayel was laughing so hard he was crying, along with Mayuri. What did I tell you? They're both sadists and like to laugh at other people's pain. Makes me wonder if they were sexually abused as children.

Il Forte and Yumichika were sobbing over the loss of bars in this particular part of the house.

Ikkaku wasn't really crying, but he was as close to crying as a man of his nature can get.

Ichigo, who has expanded to quite enormous and generous proportions, was clinging to Ishida, who looked very self-righteous, as though he had pregnant men hanging off him every day.

And the rest of them, well, I just can't be bothered to write about. Because they weren't doing anything except crying and wasting tissue. Except for me, of course.

I mean, what do you want me to do, bawl my eyes out along with the rest of them? Because if that's what you want, then you're not getting it!!!

Anyway, as I was saying before I went off and wasted my very precious time explaining to you how silky and what saps everybody is, we were just watching an anime movie. Just a regular movie, except made in this country instead of the US and animated, and surprisingly, in English with Japanese subtitles instead of the other way around. But everybody was freaking crying their eyes dry and holding on to each other as if there had never been an eternal rivalry between them (aka Ichigo and Ishida) or if there had never been any hint of cheating with a person whose gender is currently being debated (aka Renji, Byakuya, and Luppi). I mean, the way they were going on, you'd think that this was like Titanic all over again! Except I actually found Titanic stupidly hilarious. But that's not the point.

Basically, before I go all Charles Dickens on you and explain what happened in a largely unnecessary multitude of words, let me just get to the point: At the rate they're going, we're going to be in a competition with the movie Titanic on account of how many tears viewers of a movie shed. Heck, we might as well just start a flash flood and ruin the rice crops for this year. Then said flood will create a tsunami that will travel half the world and run smack dab into California. No more water shortages then, right? But by the same token, I doubt that California occupants would be very happy if we flooded their state.

Really, I think I need to be excused for a moment. I really need to get away from all the rapidly rising estrogen levels, courtesy of Ichigo, Ulquiorra, Yumichika, Il Forte, Luppi, Yoruichi, Matsumoto, Orihime, and Rukia. And I have something in my eye which is really irritating and making me tear up, so I can't see straight.

**January 31  
Saturday  
Going to the bathroom to wipe my eyes - no, seriously, there's really something in it! I am not c-crying....  
Hitsugaya**

**A challenge issued by Bleach-Junkie-Caitie. Sorry for the short chapters everybody, I'm kind of preoccupied right now.**

**Also, no flames! If you flame, me and Shiro-chan will start a flash flood and hit your state/country with a tsunami!!**

**Later!  
Skyskater**  
And Shiro-chan


	66. Insanity 101: WWIII Gone Fluffy

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Okay, you guys, since I am kind of - really - sick, and since I've become increasingly lazy, I've decided to go with Feed Me Poisoned Candy's idea of having a multi authored book.**

**If you want to write a chapter, send it to me via email through my profile. And, if possible, if you would like to write one of the challenges, go for it. Make sure to tell me which challenge you want to write first, though.**

**Also, (this is a pretty long intro, I know, bear with me) if there are any editors/publishers in the San Francisco Bay Area that you happen to know of, please contact me!!!!**

**This story looks like it may be updated weekly....from now on. Just so you guys know.**

**Daily Advice: Please, helping me write this story would be a huge help.**

* * *

Okay. What. The. Fuck. Just. Happened?!!!!!!!!!!

So here's how it happened.

It was a bright and sunny morning that was completely not suspicious at all. And of course, I was immediately suspicious, because here, if things are perfectly normal, then you know something's wrong. Something is very, very wrong.

So I was freaking out, right, because everything was perfectly normal. Or as normal as things here can get, what with having two pregnant males, one of them who is about to give birth - Ichigo - and the other a freak who loves spending money on Hello Kitty merchandise and goes around calling everyone trash.

And then the one pregnant female (there is only one right now, right, that actually has some role in this story? Right? Those three that Szayel dragged in to test the Birthing Flower don't count) uses spatulas to attempt to contact aliens. Which she really does believe exist, even though all the laws of science and Christianity have a lot of evidence supporting the fact that aliens in fact, do not exist.

Okay. Anyway, this chapter concerns said pregnant woman and her invasion of the world via stuffed animals.

Basically, it was a pretty normal morning. Meaning it wasn't normal at all.

I sat at the breakfast table, blatantly ignoring the bulge in Ichigo's stomach regions and the depressed emo look on Ulquiorra's face as he had an extremely in depth discussion with Baby-Chan about the physics of trash. And then something comes flying at me through the window, like in that one Harry Potter movie, and hits me in the head.

I pick it up, and it turns out to be nothing other than a jumbo sized Chappy plush doll. That's right. Rukia was attacking Japan with RABBIT PLUSHIES. I think this is her way of getting back at Ichigo for going off and getting pregnant in her time of need.

But whatever. So the Japanese military came out and started firing tranquilizer darts at her, all of which...missed...for some reason...and the Chappy invasion kept going at full strength.

Hell, you talk about Kenpachi and Renji starting WWIII, turns out you only need one pregnant woman, a life's supply of rabbit dolls, and a desire for revenge against your pregnant husband and you're good to go.

Anyways, yeah. That's what's going on right now. It's pretty freaky, but I mean, if there's anybody who can stop it, it's Ichigo. I mean, he's the start of all this. If he hadn't had sex with a Quincy, in my room no less! then this would never have happened.

Then again, I suppose you can blame the said Quincy too, whose bodily fluids are so potent that they can impregnate anyone and everyone they so chooseth.

Okay. Excuse me for today. I need to go and tempt this monster down with some brand spanking new spatulas I just got from Wal Mart. Surely these nice black rubber ones will appease her.

And if not, there is a high possibility that you will never see me again. (Oh, who am I kidding? Dying would be great right about now! But of course Miss Skyskater over there would never let me die, simply for the sake of her story....Perhaps if I get myself into enough situations like this, I can convince her to stop writing for the sake of you reader's sanity....)

**Sunday  
February...whatever day it is...can't be bothered to go check the calendar....  
Going Rukia-tempting  
Hitsugaya**

**A challenge sent in by Garret Is Mine.**

**Also, no flames! If you flame, me and Shiro-chan will have Rukia start a WWIII on your lawn with nothing but some rabbit plushies!!!!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	67. IMing

**Skyskater's Weekly Note: Hiiiiiii! There'll be another chapter this weekend because this chapter is not actually from me.....**

**On another note...my friend's birthday is on the 18th....and I don't know what to get him....**

**Weekly advice: Valentines Day is kind of overrated. Don't stress about it.**

* * *

So I'm walking to my so called 'home', coming home from the convinient store, hoping that there will not be mayhem. But with the luck I have, there WILL be mayhem.

I just walked in to the Urahara shop, also known as, my home... And everyone, I mean EVERYONE that I know, is here with their internet-useable phones or internet-useable laptop...

Now, it might seem that there will be ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG, but when you have the slightest idea of that; something just HAS to go wrong, like me walking in on someone having sex on the floor...Ew...

Now I'm behind the ONE and ONLY person who hasn't gone insane, Rikichi. Wait I take that back. He is Renji's STALKER...

I'd rather stand behind Hanataro instead, or Rin... Whoever is the LEAST insane... I think I'll go up to to my room and get my laptop.

So now I'm back downstairs with my sleek white laptop in hand.

Let's see, the best place to NOT get creeped out; the basement... It's so dark down here and-

What. The. Hell?!?!?!

The basement is stocked with Valentine goodies. But I guess it's better than being upstairs full of insane people... I guess I should anonymously IM them telling them to shut up.

But I still have to have an e-mail address.. Well, I guess I could use Kon's e-mail...

So, I'm stepping down the stairs holding my sleek, white laptop.

And now I might hide behind the stairs or under all of the heart-shaped Valentine boxes, but there might be walnuts in the boxes, and those could kill me...

Hell, I would do anything to be away from Urahara and the other people up stairs right now... (When is Captain Yamamoto going to send me orders to come back or something?!)

So I just pressed the 'power' button on my laptop...

So, since my laptop has little memory left, it's slow. And so I would probably go to the online version of the IM. I just cli-

Unfortunately, my laptop just crashed. I guess I'll just tell them, or let Godzillla, or the Cloverfield monster, which is a giant rat, knock some sanity into them... Or I can just take a blow-horn and tell all of them to get a life...

_**Saturday**_

_**Febuary 14**_

_**Going to tell everyone to get a life  
Hitsugaya**_

**A challenge sent in by Arguealot.**

**Also, no flames! If you flame, me and Shiro-chan will tell you to get a life while you're Iming and let Godzilla, or the giant rat from Cloverfield, to knock some sanity into you!!!**

**Later!**

Captain Hitsugaya Pwns (Wow...she's good at copying my writing style)

**And Shiro-chan**


	68. Phones

**Skyskater's Daily (Hopefully) Note: Yeah. I'm back. Hi everyone. **

**A huge thanks to Assault Godzilla, Paulina (I can't remember your username), and everybody else who has been really understanding in these tough times.**

**Daily Advice: I am back. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Expect chapters!!!! I am cutting off the challenge deadline now because I have a bunch of stuff to catch up on.**

* * *

Yo. I am back. We are back. (Actually, I was never gone, but since the author apparently got "bombarded" with a whole mass of projects and a computer virus at the same time, she did not have time to write anything else. Whatever. That's what she said.) Okay. Since I have absolutely no freaking idea what was going on with the story two months ago, I shall just continue as things are now. Okay? Okay. Not like you have an opinion anyway.

Okay, so basically, here's the rundown:

1. Ulquiorra is still pregnant. And this is making me worried. He's a freaking MONTH past his due date.  
2. Ichigo is also pregnant. I think he should have a miscarriage.  
3. Byakuya and Renji are over.  
4. Ishida needs to stop being so damn self righteous and just get a life.  
5. Yumichika and Il Forte's new jobs as still life models at a local art studio were rejected because apparently a little problem occurred...yup. That little problem, in the general region of the groin...I'd rather not go into detail about that. Let's just say they were doing nude models that day. And a girl was mentally scarred.  
6. Luppi is still around. Would one of you readers be so kind as to request that Skyskater kill him off already? Seriously.  
7. There are a lot of characters in this story, but for right now, I just want to say something:

Uhhh...why is everybody being to mean to me in the new chapters of Bleach? What did I ever do to deserve this? If anything, Kubo Tite should be going all hardass on Ichigo. Why? Because he's the freaking main character, and he needs to like, get some more screen time in! Not that I want him to get more screen time in, because, of course, I'm so cool that this entire show should be based about me and my awesomeness, but I want him to get more screen time in so that Tite stops beating me up! I mean, loss of an arm? How am I gonna do paperwork? You need one hand to write, and the other one to hold the paper down so that it doesn't slip on the desk and your brush ends up drawing this huge black streak all across the page that even Renji's tattoo artist would have been proud of! Whatever. Now that I'm like in spoiler mode right now, I just want to say that Ulquiorra is dead. But for fictional purposes, we are bringing him back from the grave because his unborn child (children???O.O) still needs to be born. Then he can die. But I doubt Skyskater would want that because she really likes Ulquiorra. In case you haven't noticed, that's her avatar.

One question: If she likes him so much, why isn't this story UGTHS? Oh yeah. I forgot. Ulquiorra's too stupid to go to school. Ha! I made a funny.

Anyway, after my laptop died, Matsumoto decided to take pity on me and buy me a phone. A PINK phone. A tiny pink phone that some actress in California would probably use to go and scream at her agent for not getting her a line in the latest teen movie. Yeah. And then she just had to go and get a tiny little cell phone charm in the shape of a heart. So now I whip it out of my pocket to take a Soul Society call or whatever, and people stare at me like I'm an insect that they want to crush under their foot. You'd think people here in Japan would be more tolerant of sexual orientation. Guess it's not turning out that way. But whatever. People stare at me anyway.

Of course, Byakuya stares placidly, which makes me worry. I need to think of a way to get him to stop staring placidly at me.

And then, when I got a phone, Szayel decided to be all scientific-y and write out the complete handbook of instructions for texting on a phone. Apparently you have to text with one hand on a regular keyboard and with two hands on a full keyboard. Apparently, people who have phones and get them taken away are shunned until they get their phones back. People who lose their phones MUST freak out in front of their friends, and there is a mindset that crappy phones (such as mine) have crappy owners. Great way to indirectly tell me I'm crap, Szayel. Ooh, very subtle. And if your phone has music, you must have music on your phone. There must be a keychain on the phone for girls, but it is optional for guys to have a key chain on their phones.

And the last stab to my ego?

"This is real, Hitsugaya. This is middle school."

Um, hello? I'm in high school!!!! I'm a freaking child prodigy! How dare he call me a middle school child? How dare he? The very nerve!

Hmm. I don't honestly know what to write right now because my challenge thingy is all screwed up because I haven't been erasing them like I should have been doing...so I'm just going to update you on Skyskater's personal life right now. I know you guys love drama.

Let's see. It was her birthday on April 7. That was, also, coincidentally, Ulquiorra's due date. There were a lot of commas in the previous sentence. Anyway, Skyskater turned 14 on April 7. Ulquiorra did not have his baby. Skyskater's newly acquired boyfriend is testing her limits by inviting other girls out on little 'excursions' aka dates which aren't really dates because there's no, like, making out or anything. But whatever. Who cares? Uhhhh...what else can I write about her?

I don't know. I give up. Pass.

Anyway, you guys, this is more kind of an author's note, but we just want to let you know that there will be more frequent updates in the future from now on, so you can expect those messages in your inbox now!

Hey, we love you guys. We're not leaving.

(I'm being sappy. This is totally unlike me.)

So anyway, be prepared for a whole new mess of HGTHS drama and all that other good shit that comes up with this.

Please, enjoy. And review.

WE LOVE YOU!

* * *

**_May 13, 2009  
My home  
Wednesday  
Hitsugaya_**

**A challenge sent in by Aruguealot.**

**But seriously, you guys, I've missed you too. Expect updates on all my stories now.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL BUY YOU AN EMBARRASSING TINY PINK PHONE WITH AN EMBARRASSING LITTLE CUTE KEYCHAIN! AND IF YOU ARE A GIRL...THEN...WE SHALL BUY YOU A MACHO PHONE WITH A MACHO KEYCHAIN! lol.**

**Bye!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	69. Tentacles

**Skyskater's Daily Note: God. You know, when Ulquiorra finally has his kid, it's gonna be a huge scene. I can see it now.**

**Reviewers will be falling over with the drama (or laughter).**

**Daily Advice: Today, wear mismatched socks. Why? No reason.**

* * *

ZOMG. ZOMG. ZOMG.

Out of curiosity, what does the Z in ZOMG stand for? Nobody's really bothered to explain it to me, even though I've asked a BAJILLION times, because

1) Ichigo is pregnant and clinging to Ishida, who looks very self righteous when he should not be looking self righteous.  
2) Rukia is still attempting to contact the mothership using this very complex device made up of chopsticks, orange popsicles, and a hot glue gun set up on top of the classroom refrigerator. I'd rather not ask.  
3) Yoruichi is still having sex with everybody in sight. As usual.  
4) Kisuke is now video taping Yoruichi having sex with everybody on sight and putting it up on YouTube as hentai. And he may be selling the videos in the near future. Once again, I'd rather not ask.  
5) Ulquiorra is also pregnant and going around singing the theme song from 'Barney' at the top of his lungs. That poor kid.  
6) Szayel is laughing at something. Probably at Ulquiorra and how fat he is. But you know. He could be laughing at the sparrow trying to germinate a plant or...some other scientific shit like that.  
7) Il Forte and Yumichika are still attempting to get a job. Now they're trying to get jobs as hostesses at Chevys. Hostesses. Yes. I know. Don't ask.  
8) Byakuya is in self-denial. You know, over the whole I-didn't-love-Renji-but-I-thought-I-did-when-in-reality-I-just-wanted-to-eat-him deal. Yeeeah....  
9) Renji, meanwhile, seems to have forgotten the whole issue. You know, short term memory. Comes with the primitiveness.  
10) Matsumoto is drunk.  
11) Orihime is also drunk, but...not off the same thing that Matsumoto is drunk off of. Actually, she is drunk off mustard and wasabi peas. ...  
12) Keigo and Mizuiro are still unfortunately in the whole scene thing. And...they're trying to reenact a full version of the Phantom of the Opera. With themselves. That's two people. Neither of them can sing.  
13) Chad is now attempting to find long lost relatives in Mongolia.  
14) Ikkaku is contemplating the clouds. And also staring very hard at Renji. Dear God. I hope Baldy doesn't get any ideas.  
15) Grimmjow has reawakened his vengeance on Nova, and so far has now attempted to beat the pill to death with a calculator, stuck the pill in the microwave (and forgot to turn the microwave on), stuck the pill in the refrigerator (while the refrigator was off), and then screamed at it for about half an hour about what a bad sport it was being. PHAIL PHAIL PHAIL EPIC PHAIL.  
16) Mayuri is laughing with Szayel. Those two are getting chummy. All I can say is that Szayel or Mayuri better not get pregnant. I know, I know, they're both guys, but COME ON. Since when does anything in this story really make sense? I mean, Ulquiorra got impregnated by a GIRL.  
17) Kenpachi is poking holes through the desk. Yes, that's right. THROUGH THE DESK. Yachiru is laughing and helping to poke holes in the desk.  
1) The Vizards are also in the picture. I don't know why they're in the classroom with us, but you know. The general idea is, Shinji is probably hitting on Sara, and Hitori is probably thinking of ways to make a pregnancy reiatsu treadmill or blah blah blah, Love and Rose are...eloping...quite...noisily in the janitor's closet..., Hachi is now trying to create a new product that he thinks he will call Hachi's Magical Telephone Service No Telemarketers Guaranteed! but that's not going too well, and Kensei's checking out Shuuhei. You guys know they're totally gay for each other.

And then we come to Shuuhei. Yes, Shuuhei.

And...oh shit I was gonna write something about him except Rukia just...started going into labor. This is all very sudden. I'm not exactly sure what is going on, but I know that there is major freaking out, and...well, a blur of pink just shot out the window. Szayel's still here with Mayuri, so...I'm assuming that was Yachiru. Renji grabbed Byakuya and charged through the door. Yes, through the door. And he left a Renji-holding-Byakuya-over-the-shoulder shaped hole in the door. I hope the school's got insurance for this. Although I'm not sure most insurance companies cover the whole gig about "Some girl started going into labor so a small child jumped out the window and a rather big primitive being carrying another person ran through the door so we need to get this fixed pronto".

Anyway, the whole thing was so startling that Hachi jumped through the freaking ceiling, and then came falling back down. You know, like in the cartoons, where the character falls down several floors and leaves the perfectly shaped hole behind? Yeah, that's what Hachi did. Rose and Love were locked in the closet, so they couldn't really tell what the hell was going on. Hitori and Shinji both also jumped out the window, and Kenpachi followed after them, destroying whatever was left of the window and part of the wall surrounding it. Sara tried to be very calm about the whole thing, but when she saw the blood, oh man. That girl keeled over like a ten-pound weight on the edge of a cliff. Ichigo promptly fainted, and Ishida struggled to carry him to the door, but eventually got there, flung it open and removed them from the premises. Grimmjow stared at Rukia for a few moments and then returned to hitting the pill methodically with a rattan cane. Ikkaku, Il Forte, and Yumichika all screamed like little girls and attempted to jump out the window as well, but instead ran into the wall, knocked themselves out, and fell through the Hachi-shaped hole in the floor and landed on top of the Whale Man. Chad is writing frantically to these "relatives" in Mongolia begging them to get him out of this place. Matsumoto and Orihime threw wasabi peas at everybody. And Kisuke and Yoruichi weren't here, thank God. Ulquiorra gazed at Rukia briefly and then went back to watching Dora on his mini DVD player.

So anyway, Rukia is screaming her lungs out because she's in labor and having contractions and blah blah blah and whatnot, and so Shuuhei, that brave, damnably brave and stupid fool, jumps up on the teacher's desk (the teacher was, by the way, cowering under the desk and not helping in any way whatsoever). Of course, this would have been nice to know that someone was in control. Would have been nice if said person wasn't naked as the day they were born. I'm convinced Kensei was molesting him.

Anyway, speaking of Kensei, the man jumps up and shouts, "Shuuhei, evasive maneuvers pronto!" And damn, I hadn't even known Shuuhei could move that fast, especially while naked. In the course of a few seconds, he set up a birthing station (much more efficient than Szayel's Birthing Flower, I believe) and was pulling on scrubs and gloves and all that other stuff medical people wear. I don't know where he got it, but I do know that Kensei was staring at Shuuhei's bare back quite hornily. ...

And it's probably a good thing that Shuuhei reacted as fast as he did, because the baby was out in like...5 minutes. Not even joking. Hey, I know labor for most women takes like hours and stuff like that, but seriously, Rukia is not most women. I think all of us can testify to that.

Anyhow, the baby came out and everybody was crowding around trying to see it. It was a baby boy, it had Ichigo's hair and Rukia's eyes, blah blah blah. And so then after everybody's like all relaxed and stuff, the baby suddenly sprouts tentacles. TENTACLES. Tentacles that made Szayel proud and tears come to Mayuri's eyes.

Shuuhei promptly fainted away, throwing the baby up in the air, and Szayel saved it. Shuuhei fell down the pit that Hachi had created, and Kensei, always being the hero, jumped in after him. The result: Shuuhei landed passed out on top of Hachi, Ikkaku, Il Forte, and Yumichika, and Kensei got knocked out from a falling piece of debris with his face buried in Shuuhei's barely-covered-by-scrubs crotch.

Yes.

Excuse me. I feel a sudden urge to jump out the window coming on.

**_May 14  
Having a sudden urge to jump out the window  
Thursday  
Hitsugaya_**

**A challenge sent in by 0mohni0.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL HAVE URAHARA FILM YOU AND YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER HAVING SEX AND THEN POST IT ON YOUTUBE AS HENTAI!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	70. Bring Your Best Guns

**Skyskater's Daily Note: So my boyfriend and I have gym together. (Not sure if I've told you guys this already.) We have gym together. We play softball as a unit this term. He was a captain, so he got to pick his own team. He didn't pick me.**

**And we're both crap at softball.**

**Daily Advice: Knocking on wood could give you a splinter.**

* * *

This. Story. Is. Like. Completely. Doomed.

Seriously.

I mean, one of the insane pregnant people gives birth, so now there's only two pregnant people in the story. Now, this would have been good if

A) Said baby wasn't continually growing tentacles and throwing rocks at everybody around  
B) If one of the other pregnant people aka Ulquiorra wasn't a month and eight days past his due date and  
C) If Ichigo wasn't a male and wasn't clinging to Ishida

And, to make things even worse,

D) Nemu's pregnant.

Yeah. That's right. You heard me loud and clear, baby.

NEMU IS PREGNANT.

Call the military. Get the army. Bring your best guns.

This is, seriously, like, one of the worst days of my life. I was expecting a cheerful day, you know, because it's Friday and that means we have a reprieve on Saturday and Sunday, but no. Nemu just had to go and ruin it.

So it turns out that Nemu is pregnant with Lisa's child.

Yes, Lisa's child.

Now, don't ask me how or why this happened, but I think this is someone's crazy idea of having all the genders impregnate each other in random combinations. I mean, we've got

A) Rukia, who is our only normal pregnancy because she got impregnated by Ichigo. Rukia is a female, and Ichigo is a male. It all makes sense. However, the tentacle baby does not. Theories of why the baby boy may have tentacles is that A. Luppi somehow double impregnated Rukia, B. Szayel is actually the father and was pretending to be Ichigo in disguise, or C. The baby got mutated due to Rukia's overexposure to gamma rays.

B) Orihime, while being impregnated by the male Quincy Ishida Uryuu, gave birth to deciplets. That's not normal.

C) Ichigo also got impregnated by Ishida. Now, Ichigo is a MALE.

D) Ulquiorra got impregnated by Orihime. Orihime is a female, and Ulquiorra is a male. Yeah. First of all, neither of them have the organs to do such a thing...or do they?

Okay, whatever. What the fuck ever.

Point is, Nemu got pregnant with Lisa's kid. Yeah, I know, because I was there. When Mayuri found out his daughter was having morning sickness, the entire lot of us was pulled out of school. This would have been great except Mayuri forced us to find out who the father was. He'd given Nemu a premature paternity test, and gave us several copies of the DNA sequence so that we could do some blood tests and see who it was.

Of course, when I found out it was Lisa, I damn near fainted. Upon giving the information back to Mayuri (I had to give it back, see, otherwise he would have severely tortured the data out of me using a variety of methods...and Mayuri's torture methods are his crazy, insane way of getting off. I know. It's weird. But...what else could I do? Save myself, right? It's a big world, and I'm a small person.)

Okay, anyway, the following reactions were quite varied:

A. Ichigo and Ishida both stared.  
B. Renji was all, "Grunt grunt baboom grunt ngh."  
C. Byakuya said, "Quite, Renji. That was probably the most insightful comment I've heard you make all year."  
D. Rukia was still recuperating with her baby, whom she has now christened E.T. You know, short for...Enji Tuchiki. She changed the first letter of her last name, in case you were wondering.  
E. Matsumoto and Orihime were busy doing community service and helping to pick up all the peas they threw yesterday.  
F. Il Forte and Yumichika were doing Il Forte-ish and Yumichika-ish things, and so didn't bother to look up from painting their toenails.  
G. Yoruichi was all, "What the fuck, girl? Damn, even I haven't slept with Lisa yet!"  
H. Urahara looked quite proud that all this drama was going on under his roof.  
I. Szayel was busy recording data in his handy dandy lab book.  
J. Keigo and Mizuiro were at school, fortunately. Mayuri didn't bother writing excuse notes to get them out of class too.  
K. Chad was busy praying to Jashin. Who, by the way, is the subject of a religion in ANOTHER ANIME. That's how desperate he was.  
L. Ikkaku was busy trying to appease Yachiru, who was particularly cranky after receiving a concussion from jumping out the window the other day and not landing on her feet.  
M. Kenpachi was all, "Holy shizniks."  
N. Grimmjow said, "Hey, maybe I can impregnate Nova! And then he'll die a painful death in childbirth." RIGHT....  
O. Kenpachi fainted.  
P. Hachi was receiving shock therapy, Rose and Love were still busy eloping, Hitori screamed and instantly began to blame Shinji for all this misfortune, and Shinji just stood there and gave Lisa two thumbs up, telling her how proud he was of her putting her knowledge to use.  
Q. Shuuhei...well, he was thrown over Kensei's shoulder, apparently still passed out, but I couldn't help but notice that he had two red handprints on his ass.

Anyhow, Mayuri was PISSED OFF. Like a woman going through menopause when she goes to Starbucks and they tell her that they're out of the white mochas and the low fat blueberry scones.

I'm not exactly sure how Lisa managed to impregnate Nemu, because...well, Nemu is Nemu-ish, and Lisa...well, Lisa wears a sailor suit, for God's sake! Any person that wears a sailor suit automatically puts themselves on the market as celibate! Seriously! I'm gonna have to tell the manager of One Piece this.

All I can hope for now is that, well...somehow something good happens and Nemu has a normal pregnancy. Or as normal a pregnancy as you can get with a woman that got...pregnant through...another woman.

Or even better yet, abort. That's the greatest idea I've had all year.

But, of course, knowing Mayuri, he's going to keep the "specimen" and observe it throughout its lifetime to see what drastic changes will happen to it. You know, scientific stuff.

Anyway, I need to go. I'm kind of grossed out by this whole thing and the French toast I had for breakfast this morning isn't settling too well....

**_May 15  
Running to the bathroom; I'm sick; WHAT IF I HAVE SWINE FLU?! Lol. Just joking.  
Friday  
Hitsugaya_**

**A challenge sent in by IluvBleach.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL PUT YOU IN A SAILOR SUIT AND DECLARE YOU CELIBATE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	71. Rikitchi Is Joining the Dark Side

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Full Metal Bec, I believe I have asked that no challenges be added right now until further notice...**

**Since I am a nice person, however, I'll let this one slide. The next one anybody asks me for is not getting done until further notice!**

**Daily Advice: Don't put your perfume/cologne on too strong. It could make someone gag.**

* * *

Okay. So after the whole Nemu and Lisa incident (I bet somewhere in Soul Society Nanao is crying her heart dry), a reader brilliantly suggested that I should take a vacation. Dragon of Twilight. That's the reader's username. Of course, he/she suggested that I should go back to Soul Society for a few days. Okay, Dragon, you had a great idea going until you got to the whole Soul Society part. There's INSANITY going on up there, and that's not even a joke! Sure, they don't have all the crap we have down here, for example:

1. Soul Society doesn't have Renji. Or Byakuya. Or Yoruichi and Kisuke. Or Grimmjow.  
2. Soul Society doesn't have pregnant Nemu, pregnant Ulquiorra, and pregnant Ichigo, and post-pregnant Rukia with E.T.  
3. Soul Society doesn't have the Vizards. This means they don't have Whale Man, the two Elopers, Kensei, Shinji the Perv, or Hitori the Treadmill Marketer.  
4. Soul Society doesn't have Shuuhei, the naked obstetrician and/or gynecologist.  
5. Soul Society doesn't have Mayuri or Szayel, who are getting pretty chummy.  
6. Soul Society doesn't have Baldy. It also doesn't have Kenpachi the Mass Murderer and Yachiru, the living ball of speed.  
7. Soul Society doesn't have Yumichika or Il Forte, who crossdress daily and who are now trying to sell themselves off as prostitutes. I know, right?  
8. Soul Society doesn't have Matsumoto or Orihime, who could easily poison everybody in the entire world within the course of a few hours.  
9. Soul Society doesn't have Luppi. No explanation required.  
10. Soul Society doesn't have Ishida, the gay self-righteous fag.  
11. Soul Society doesn't have Keigo, Mizuiro, or Chad.

However, on the other hand, Soul Society DOES HAVE

1. Yamamoto, who keeps complaining that his tea is lukewarm, when it's actually not.  
2. Soi Fong and Omaeda. First of all, Soi Fong is a bitch at any time of year, and Omaeda is just too damn fat to be allowed to live. Maybe he, Whale Man, and Yammi are brothers from another mother....  
3. Kira, who is just whiny.  
4. Unohana and Isane...well, okay. They're not so much of a problem.  
5. Hinamori. It's not that I don't like her, it's just...she's Hinamori.  
6. Rikitchi who is following after Renji's example. No, Rikichi! Don't go to the dark side!  
7. Komamura and Iba. The first is a wolf/dog type thing, and the second doesn't take off his sunglasses, which makes him look like he's legally blind when he's actually not.  
8. Shunsui is enough of a problem by himself, as drunk as he is. Nanao now poses another problem because she is now heartbroken over this newfound sexual orientation of her role model's....  
9. Uhhh...who is watching after the ninth division anyway? Damn, they're gonna have mass paperwork when they get home.  
10. ...Well, I'm glad I can bully Hanatarou into doing my paperwork for me...but either way you know...  
11. I don't honestly care, but they're always a problem.  
12. I bet Akon is probably hitting on that really fat fish dude.  
13. Ukitake is "sick", and Kiyone and Sentarou are always little asshats running around trying to please him.

Well, really, I would prefer to be in Soul Society as compared to here, but...you know. There's trouble either way.

However, I don't honestly care that it's in the middle of the school year (well, nearing the end, but deal with it), I am going on a vacation to Hawaii. That is all said and done. Hawaii must be, like, the most peaceful place on Earth. Well, okay. That one national forest in Mongolia is probably the most peaceful place on Earth because the population is ZERO. Anyway, I'm gonna go to Hawaii.

Swim with the fishies, eat watermelon all day long, throw coconuts at people and laugh at them because their insurance agency doesn't cover death from falling coconuts, go to luaus and roast pigs on skewers, wear leis and take hula classes...yeah. All those good things.

Of course, knowing me...God. Why do I have the feeling that something is about to go dreadfully wrong?

Or wait. That could just be my stomach.

Well, anyway, I'm going to pack my bags and call up the airline to get me a first class ticket to Hawaii. So this means I have to go. Otherwise I'll never get into first class and I'll have to be stuck in second class with all those really fat ugly sick people coughing and taking up my breathing air.

So later, you guys! See you in Hawaii!

**_May 17  
Packing my bags  
Sunday  
Hitsugaya_**

* * *

**This is part one of a two-part challenge issued by I Like Waffles.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL STICK YOU ON A SECOND CLASS FLIGHT WITH ALL THE FAT UGLY SICK PEOPLE TAKING UP YOUR BREATHING AIR!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	72. Elephantine Proportions

**Skyskater's Daily Note: CallMeNicole, yes. People have said I write like a guy. Yeah. I know. LOL. People have also said that I act like a guy in real life too. Just without all the disgusting stuff...like not taking a shower for four days straight. xD**

**You guys are all cabbages! Sorry. Felt like saying that. **

**We have fitness tests going on in P.E. this week. We did height today. I measure in at five feet tall. My boyfriend, who is five eight, was laughing his ass off and was all, "You FAIL." Seriously.**

**Daily Advice: Take Advil for headaches and don't snap at people. You won't make many friends that way.**

* * *

So, yeah. I didn't get into first class like I'd hoped. Of course. With my luck, there's no way I'd ever get into first class anyway. But in economy class, good LORD! What the hell did I do wrong to deserve this?

So anyway, I got stuck between some really fat person whose rolls kept invading my personal space. Yes. That's rolls. As in plural. And then on the other side of me (Yes, I was unfortunate enough to get stuck in the freaking middle because Southwest Airlines clearly doesn't have enough aisle and window seats, and the smallest person always gets the middle seat because they're the smallest), there was this teenager who was sniveling away. Well, not sniveling. Sniffling. You know what I mean.

So I'm elbowing the fat person on my left and shoving their rolls out of my invaded personal bubble, and I'm trying to keep clear of the germs the teenager on my right is spreading everywhere (God knows the kid probably has meningitis or mono or something equally infectious like that...ZOMG, what if he had swine flu?! I could be dead by now! Oh wait. That's right. I can't die. HAHAH. I made a joke.), and then suddenly I hear this perky "Hey, look, Ken-chan, it's Shiro-chan! Sitting between the fat person and the sick person!"

The fat person swivels around in their seat (I had no idea that a person of such elephantine proportions could even shift in their airplane seat, much less swivel around, but then I guess I haven't been paying enough attention to Omaeda recently) and gives a glare to the depths of the plane behind us. The teenager also swivels around and lets out this huge sneeze like elephants humping, and then shouts down the plane in a very congested voice, "I'm not sick! I've got allergies!"

And then the flight attendant comes up and tries to soothe everyone down by offering the fat person packets of peanuts and the sick teenager little travel packets of tissue. The fat person pushes away the peanuts, claiming they're trying to reduce. The teenager pushes away the tissues, claiming that the flight attendant might have rigged them with something illegal that could get him deported across the border. Yeah. Whatever.

So now I'm stuck in the middle seat in between this massively obese person and this sick person who could contaminate me with their germs and prevent me from going to Hawaii because the Hawaiian people don't want me to spread the germs that are not actually my germs everywhere and so eliminate the entire population of Hawaii. I'm also stuck on the plane with Yachiru. And Kenpachi. And hopefully nobody else that I know. But then, just as I'm thinking this, the shit hits the fan.

Ichigo comes stumbling up the narrow aisle, supported by Ishida, shouting that he has morning sickness and that the bathroom better be clear. Please note that this is at three in the afternoon. The person who came up with the whole morning sickness thing should be sued.

Renji was screaming in the background for more peanuts in an unintelligible language. At least, I think that's what he was saying. Byakuya was translating, and the word peanuts popped up quite a lot.

Rukia and E.T. were snuggled up together in the luggage compartments overhead. And E.T.'s tentacles were poking out and stealing the peanuts that the flight attendant was throwing at Renji. She didn't want to get too close to him. Quite understandable. I mean, who would? Except Byakuya, and that's because he wanted to eat him.

Matsumoto and Orihime were making concoctions with peanuts, orange juice, and a Bloody Mary.

Il Forte and Yumichika were depressed because they didn't have cell phone service that high in the air.

Yoruichi and Urahara were busy trying to think of ways of how she could seduce someone on the plane into having wild passionate sex with her and letting Kisuke video tape it. Right now the flight attendant is looking like a potential target.

Szayel and Mayuri were smiling proudly up at the tentacle-waving E.T. Please also note that Mayuri had his arm around Szayel. I know. What. The. Fuck.

Keigo and Mizuiro and Chad were still back at school. They apparently didn't get the memo that Hitsugaya was going to Hawaii. Why is it that the three most sane people have to get left behind? Seriously.

Ikkaku was all, "Yeah. I'm flying. That's totally better than bankai." ...

Kenpachi was with Yachiru.

Grimmjow was attempting to open the emergency exit of the plane so that he could throw Nova the pill out and cackle evilly as he fell to his doom 10,000 feet away. Of course, nobody bothered to tell him that he needed to pull the door open instead of push.

Hachi was on his own freaking plane trailing behind us. I mean, seriously. That guy could be, like, the equivalent of all the passengers seated in the plane.

Rose and Love were...well, they were actually in the women's lavatory, eloping.

Hitori was scolding Shinji for checking out the flight attendant who looked to be in danger of getting seduced by Yoruichi any moment.

Kensei and Shuuhei were also eloping, but they were doing it in public three rows down.

Lisa was smiling quite brilliantly at Nemu, who just stared straight ahead and cradled her stomach.

I mean, what is up with this? How come every time I decide to go somewhere, everybody else just has to follow me?! I mean, seriously! Who's figuring this out? Who's figuring out the days I'm planning to go somewhere else on vacation, and who the heck is informing everybody about all this? I mean, are there posters around Karakura Town proclaiming my travel schedule? I mean, three pregnant people are bad enough, but you didn't have to go and bring the whole gang! Jesus Christ! I'm seriously considering showing Grimmjow how to open that emergency exit and once it's open, I'm also seriously considering jumping out. Without a parachute.

I can't even imagine what's going to happen in Hawaii.

**_May 19  
Tuesday  
Considering jumping out the plane  
Hitsugaya_**

**A challenge sent in by I Like Waffles**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL STICK YOU IN THE MIDDLE AIRPLANE SEAT BETWEEN A FAT GUY AND A SICK TEENAGER!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	73. Lost to the Ranks of the Bisexual

**Skyskater's Daily Note: I finished the Sit-Up tape in P.E. during the SitUp test...so I'm happy! I got an A+!!! WOOOT!**

**I had this really funny dream that my boyfriend and I were getting our weights in P.E., and I weighed in at 157 pounds and he weighed in at 324 pounds. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. (I'm not 157. He's not 324. We're both less than that. It was still pretty funny though.)**

**Daily Advice: Dropping a metal ruler on your toe hurts like hell.**

* * *

Right. So I'm in Hawaii. Thank God that I at least managed to get a hotel room all to myself. Of course, the concierge gave me some real hell about where my parents were and all that other stuff, but I told her that I was here on official business or something, and she let me in. Turns out you can pretty much get anything if you say the words "official business."

Of course, you're probably asking, where are the others? Well, let me tell you. The 'others' are actually camping outside the hotel. That's not so good. The good thing is that the hotel staff weren't stupid enough to let them into the actual building. I mean, no sane person would actually let Renji into a five star hotel, and considering all the other insanities that have been occurring, it's a good thing the hotel didn't decide to kick me out too. You know, on account of "luring" them to the hotel and all.

Okay. I'm walking out the door of my room. Now I'm walking down the stairs. I'm really, sorely tempted to use the back exit, but the stupid bellboy got stuck in it (yet another relative of Omaeda's!) so now they have to unplug him from the door...you know, like in Winnie the Pooh, how Pooh eats a whole shitload of honey at Rabbit's house and then he can't fit through the rabbit hole so he gets stuck there so everybody including Christopher Robin has to help him? Yeah. It was kind of like that, except with a back hotel exit and a rather rotund bellboy. Jumping out the window is not an option. Neither is jumping off the roof. And there aren't any side exits. So...this kind of leaves me in a predicament. I mean, I could totally just stay in the hotel, but considering the amount of rowdiness that's going on outside, if I don't show up soon, they're going to rampage into the hotel and demand my vital stats or something stupid like that. So, I mean, in favor of the people of Hawaii, I might as well just go and present myself so that they don't get too worried.

So I'm walking out the front glass doors....and I'm tackled by a blur of pink that was shooting its mouth off at a hundred miles an hour. There's a HUGE CROWD outside. I mean, like a ginormous crowd. Seriously. What the fuck is going on? Nothing could be that entrancing to draw thousands of people together. I mean, NOTHING could be that amazing.

Oh wait. I forgot. You've probably never seen Renji down a whole banana and spit it out through his nose.

But whatever.

Okay. So it's not Renji doing the whole banana gig. It's not Byakuya setting up a stand for people to watch Renji doing the whole banana gig. It's not Ichigo staggering around claiming to be suffering of morning sickness at three in the afternoon. It's not Ishida sewing up a storm or helping Ichigo to the nearest Port-a-Potty. It's not Rukia and E.T., although she is attracting quite a lot of stares and people are giving her her own little mini-circle in the crowd. It's not Matsumoto and Orihime. Come to think of it, I don't know exactly where they are. It's not Il Forte or Yumichika, because they finally found cell signal and there's nothing that great about watching two guys communicate with each other with text messaging. It's not Szayel and Mayuri, although...they're pretty freaky themselves. Keigo and Mizuiro and Chad were using their cardboard cutouts of themselves to stand in for them. Or something like that. It couldn't have been Ikkaku, because he was just looking up at the sky. It wasn't Kenpachi either, although people were staring at him. It wasn't Grimmjow, who was attempting to smoke Nova out over a luau pit. It wasn't Hachi, because Hachi was adding volume to the ocean with his own weight. It wasn't Hitori; she was marketing weight loss products to every obese person that walked past, and it wasn't Shinji, who was also hitting on every obese person that walked past. Shinji has been lost to the ranks of the bisexual. Lisa and Nemu were being Lisa and Nemu-ish and observing passersby. Nothing too great about that. But here's what was so amazing.

YORUICHIANDSOIFONGWEREHAVINGAFOURSOMEWITHROSEANDLOVEOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD.

Yeah. You heard me. Yoruichi and Soi Fong were having a foursome with Rose and Love. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Anyway, so this crowd of people is just staring, and Urahara is cackling and videotaping it because this will be good footage on his hentai website or something...and I guess at least one of us is happy. Soi Fong got her wish of doing Yoruichi. But I mean, STILL! DO THOSE PEOPLE HAVE NO FREAKING SHAME? Here we are, on perfectly good, innocent Hawaiian soil, and they're having SEX with each other?! I mean, seriously! Even Ulquiorra was embarrassed, and this is coming from the guy who goes out and buys thousands of dollars in Hello Kitty merchandise and Chococat erasers by the hundreds! This is also coming from the guy who is overly pregnant and should just go ahead and have the baby through C-section already!

And then, like, out of nowhere, Godzilla just comes storming up and he's all, "Okay, people. What the fuck is going on?"

And so now, there's pretty much general mayhem because most of the people there had never seen Godzilla before in their life and were totally and utterly shocked and convinced that the Armageddon was upon them. Or the Apocalypse. Whichever one. So there's all these Hawaiian people running around, and a few stray pigs, and the police department and fire department and the department of naval recreation are all zooming toward the scene, and Godzilla rolls his eyes and he's all, "Yeah. Been here, done that. But could you please tell those people to stop fucking on the ground? I mean, what the hell! Even that red pineapple over there's not doing that!"

By red pineapple, he meant Renji. And yes. Renji being primitive and all, you would have thought he would have succumbed to the whole fucking on the ground thing a long time ago. Guess even he's too sophisticated for that. And that's saying something.

So Godzilla just goes back to wherever he came from, and all the departments are like, "Huh? What the fuck?" and then finally some policeman finally gets it. He walks right into the foursome thingy and handcuffs all of them and starts dragging them to the police car. Of course, that didn't stop them from having wild passionate sex...but you know. He got it. He totally got it. He should be awarded Policeman of the Year.

Anyway. I kind of have to go now. I seriously don't want to have to be interrogated on the whole "Your friends were fucking on the ground thing did you know that's illegal in Hawaii can you give us some evidence to help incriminate them and put them in jail for the rest of their lives" thing. I mean, it's not that I don't want them to go to jail (I actually do!), it's just I don't feel motivated enough to go through interrogation.

Besides, Hachi is drowning. He's actually sinking, instead of floating like a regular human does. I need to go and save him before a whale eats him and he really does become a whale spawn.

**_May 20  
Going to save Hachi  
Wednesday  
Hitsugaya_**

**A challenge sent in by Assault Godzilla.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL HAVE A WHALE EAT YOU AND YOU WILL BECOME HACHI'S BROTHER/SISTER!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	74. Secret Midget Assassins

**Skyskater's Daily Note: I did 24 push-ups!! YAY! I got another A+!!! **

**Of course. My boyfriend just has to go and do 50. But...you know.**

**Daily Advice: In general, it is not a good idea to eat spaghetti right after learning about the digestive tract and the intestines and all that stuff....**

* * *

Okay. Basically, I'm having the worst day ever in the history of worst days ever. I mean, this is so bad it's epic and should totally be posted on YouTube and should also get more views than all of Fred's videos combined. Because this is so bad, that it's not even funny anymore. I mean, it's pretty hard to believe that two people could cause this much grief to me. But it appears that they can.

Anyway, after the whole banana gig, Byakuya suddenly cooked Renji again for some reason (maybe he wanted Renji roast with a twist of banana filling?), but Renji came back because apparently he met up with Hidan from Naruto and since they share the same beliefs now, Renji is now immortal. Yeah. I know. You're probably asking how he met Hidan, so let me tell you. Do you remember way back when when Grimmjow was screwing Deidara? I believe it was in the chapter where Urahara's all like, "Yeah, everybody is welcome!" after my escapade to the attic and my meeting with Yoko the Grudge spirit and her son who thinks he is a cat when he's actually a little drowned boy. Anyway, it turns out that Deidara liked it here in the world of Bleach so much that he called up Hidan, and so Hidan came over to check the whole thing out. Of course, I had no idea about this, because if I had had any inkling of this, I would have reported it to you right away. But, as it turns out, Hidan kept himself hidden and only revealed himself to Renji, because apparently Jashin (the guy who Hidan religiously follows) has red hair. Or something like that. And has tattoos. And is really tall. So Renji was a perfect candidate.

Anyway, so now Renji is immortal. That's bad enough on its own. But oh no. Someone else just has to come along and screw it the whole nine yards for me.

That person is extremely short, has pink hair, has a huge mouth, and shovels candy down by the barrelful.

You got it. Yachiru just had to come along and screw up my life the whole extra nine yards. As if it wasn't already screwed up enough, right?

So anyway, there were these group of midgets (yes, compared to me, they were still midgets! Amazing huh?) in Hawaii camped out outside the hotel, and they were observing Yachiru quite intently. Apparently, it turns out that these group of midgets were actually a special Secret Midget Assassins Op team for Barack Obama, who is, as you guys all now know, the president of the United States. If you didn't know that...then...okay. Wow. It was only the biggest thing since Nadya Suleyman had octuplets.

So anyway, Yachiru has now joined the ranks of the Secret Midget Assassins Op team, which is like a regular op team, just with midgets. You know, because midgets can hide in small places and are less noticeable in a crowd. And they can totally get under tables and listen to the Taliban's secret conversations or whatever. You know, stuff like that. Stuff that normal op teams can't do because they are too tall for that kind of stuff.

Anyway, the Secret Midget Assassins Op team started to stare at me rather oddly, as if they wanted to recruit me too. I mean, seriously! Just because I haven't hit puberty yet...God. And Renji is a fucking freak of nature. So, you know what? It's not just me. Or my genetics. In the human world, I'm like, what? Ten? Ten year old males haven't usually hit puberty yet. Well. Maybe some have. But not Japanese people. They hit puberty really late or something like that.

But I totally said no to them. Because I, for one, am not a midget, and for two, I don't really have much interest in becoming a part of this assassin midget team to protect the president of the United States. Not really interested, thanks very much, but no thanks. I already have my hands full with trying to manage my life and all the other peoples' too, because clearly they are incapable of managing their own lives. Except for Chad. He's very self sufficient. Everybody else, not so much. Oh yeah. And if you put Ikkaku in a place with a lot of sky, then he's pretty self sufficient as well. And so is Nova. But, in general, a pill is very self sufficient.

Just a question, for which I do NOT want you to think I am racist:

Do you think that Barack Obama is in some way related to Tousen? I mean, it could totally make sense. For one, they're both African, except Obama is African-American and Tousen is...African-Japanese, I guess. I mean, they could totally be related in some distant way. Tousen could totally be Obama's seventh cousin forty-two times removed or something like that! I mean, it makes sense, doesn't it? Aside from the whole fact that Tousen is a blind ex-captain of Soul Society and is a blind justice pointed man who wants to kill everybody in order to attain justice, and Barack Obama is not a blind ex-captain of Soul Society and does not, in fact, want to kill everybody in order to attain justice. He just wants to pass a lot of stimulus bills. Which, in my opinion, is a lot less harmful than killing everybody on the face of the Earth, and above and below it, to attain equilibrium in some twisted Buddhist faith or something.

So...what do you think?

Then, if that's the case, is Rude from Final Fantasy VII also related to them?????

Just a question to think about your day and to help me NOT think about mine.

**_May 21  
Pondering this question  
Thursday  
Hitsugaya_**

**A challenge sent in by Misa Misa Akira.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL PUT YOU ON THE SPECIAL SECRET ASSASSINS MIDGET TEAM EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT A MIDGET AND ARE IN FACT REALLY TALL!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	75. Teal Blue Hair

**Skyskater's Daily Note: I do not actually weigh 157 pounds as I had dreamed. I do weigh 117.2 pounds. I admit it. :)**

**My boyfriend weighs 150. Yup.**

**Daily Advice: Study for your tests. Seriously.**

* * *

While I do realize that all African people are not related to each other, then I have another question for the person that said that: Are you Christian? Or not?

Sorry. Anyway, continuing on.

So I'm staying in Hawaii for the memorial day weekend. I mean, I'm already here, so I might as well, right? Of course, this vacation would have been a whole lot better if the entire gang hadn't been here.

It appears that, even though Renji is immortal, he is not immune to things of the flesh, like poison ivy. I'm not saying he sat in a patch of poison ivy (although that would be quite like him), but I am saying that he went and sat in a patch of rathy itchy grass. I don't know why, but I guess he felt like that one patch on that one hill was the patch for him? And now he's jumping around and scratching himself in all manner of obscene places and screaming for more skin cream. As if anybody would even try to supply HIM with skin cream. I mean, seriously. The guy might as well just go and scratch off the top layer of his skin already.

Ikkaku actually managed to get a job. I'm not even joking. He didn't even have to fill out an application or anything; he just stood in the middle of the street looking up at the sky as if he had never seen it before and was quite fascinated by it. And then this guy who apparently works for this gaming company or something came up to him and asked him if he wanted to be the costume promoter for his company, and Ikkaku nodded, not because he was accepting the job but because he had just had another premonition or something and was certain it was going to come true. And so, as a result, Ikkaku is now dressed up in a Mario costume and staring up at the sky in the middle of the street while cars swerve around him and are then influenced to go and buy this company's products. Something like that.

Yumichika and Il Forte stabbed themselves with sporks because they were extremely jealous of Ikkaku's job-getting skills. Of course, they didn't do too much damage because they didn't want to ruin their skin and they were happy with their lives because they had cell service, so they were just trying to be melodramatic and not kill themselves at all. Yeah. But they still went to a dermatologist afterwards just to make sure that the sporks' plastic hadn't affected them in any way whatsoever.

Matsumoto and Orihime magically appeared out of the sea with a bunch of magical rabid mermen fanboys trailing along in the water, watching their every step. I'm glad to know that they can charm the ones not of this world as well....Seriously. Those two should just go into the ocean, become mermaids, and go and marry some mermen like in The Little Mermaid. Except Eric was a human. But...whatever. This isn't an Eric story.

Byakuya is throwing tubs of Cetaphil at Renji.  
Ichigo is being...Ichigo-ish....and Ishida is being Ishida-ish and sewing up a storm for the new baby on its way.

And Ulquiorra. Ulquiorra. Did you know he's like, a miniature, shorter, albino version of Hachi right now? I mean, the guy's so freaking wide, what with the unborn baby and all (could it be babies?), that he could totally jump in the ocean and be a mini whale. He'd probably be an Oreo whale. A killer whale. An orca. Except he'd probably be really depressed because whales don't usually get to see much garbage in their lifetime. Unless they're whales that swim really close to the surface or something.

Speaking of Ulquiorra, he's convulsing on the ground right now. I don't exactly know why but - OH MY GOD HOLY SHIT ULQUIORRA IS HAVING THE FUCKING BABY! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD SOMEONE HELP US NOW BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND NOBODY ELSE IS PAYING ATTENTION OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!

Somebody shoot me now, please.

* * *

Okay. Anyway, we got Ulquiorra to the hospital. Actually, I had to get Ulquiorra to the hospital all by MYSELF because nobody else was paying attention or nobody else really cared. So I carried the damn guy all the way to the hospital, and he's like, convulsing on my shoulder and shouting things like, "I want trash! Give me the trash!" or "But what about my Hello Kitty labor inducing kit?" or something equally insane like that, and all these people on the street are staring at us and giving us these super weird looks, and I was really tempted to let Ulquiorra down on the sidewalk and just let him have the baby right then and there, but you see, I'm not a whole expert on the giving birth manually thing, as Shuuhei appears to be. I also don't know what I'd do with myself if Ulquiorra started to hemorrhage and started to bleed right down the entire sidewalk until the entire island of Kauai was covered with blood, because I have no idea what to do in that kind of awkward situation. So I got him to the hospital pronto.

And then I sat outside the waiting room, because the nurse told me I couldn't leave until the baby was born. I mean, it's not even like I'm the father or anything! Seriously! But anyway, they said I couldn't leave. And there were no magazines in the lobby and nothing fun to do. And I was there for FOURTEEN HOURS.

That's right. Fourteen hours of explaining to the nurses why the person delivering in Room 28 was a man and not a woman. Fourteen hours of getting odd looks from the nurses because they probably thought that A) There was no freaking way in hell that I could've coerced the rather emo person in Room 28 to sleep with me or B) I was not sexually active and I couldn't be the father of the baby, but I also couldn't be related to the man delivering or the baby because I have no resemblance to Ulquiorra whatsoever.

Yeah. And to top it all off, nobody offered me juice and cookies. That's what you're supposed to do at a hospital. Offer the waiting people juice and cookies. But NOOOO. They freaking let me starve.

So after fourteen hours, the nurse was all, "Okay then! You can go in and see your kids now!"

KIDS. As in PLURAL.

I damn near fainted.

In this state of subconsciousness, I walked into the room and looked at the babies. Ulquiorra had passed out, and the babies were fussing in their little incubator things.

"Full heads of hair, too," the nurse said proudly.

I took one look at the babies' heads, and that was the last straw for me. I fainted. Passed out. Knocked out cold. Done. Finished. Finis. Finito. You get the point.

Now, remember how it was supposedly Orihime that got Ulquiorra pregnant?

Yeah.

The babies' hair was TEAL BLUE.

**_May 22  
Recuperating from shock. Or trying to, at least  
Friday  
Hitsugaya_**

**Challenges sent in by Aruguealot. Hey, you guys, if you want, help me come up with names for the babies! Creative ones, not like Baby 1 and Baby 2. Something funny and insightful would be nice.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL STICK YOU IN THE WAITING ROOM OF A HOSPITAL FOR FOURTEEN HOURS AND NOBODY WILL OFFER YOU JUICE AND COOKIES!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	76. The Knocker and the Knocked Up

**Skyskater's Daily Note: I have a precalculus assessment on Tuesday. Wish me luck! To R'Jay, my boyfriend is 8 inches taller than me. And he mocks me every day about my height.**

**Also, much thanks to Garret-is-Mine for suggesting two wonderful names for Ulquiorra's children. And, in my opinion, just to make this story even crazier, Ulquiorra topped but somehow the whole thing backfired. And Grimmjow had the time to knock Ulquiorra up like, way back in chapter 50 or something.**

**Daily Advice: Try not to think too hard about this story, otherwise your head will hurt from trying to figure it all out. Oh, by the way, I am taking challenges again because my profile is cleaning up. **

* * *

Ulquiorra has decided to name his twin sons Gomi and Basura. Yeah. I know.

If you don't know what those mean, the first one means 'trash' in Japanese, and the second one means 'trash' in Spanish. Quite the way to honor his heritage.

Right. So you know how this story is like, a massive pile of crack that impregnates multiple people at the same time because Aizen set up a fertility clinic on Earth? Well, yeah. So now that Ulquiorra's had his long overdue babies, someone else just has to go and get knocked up. And this one...well, this one, I'm pretty sure I don't even want to know how it happened.

Basically, I shall say that the pregnant person has a very effeminate younger brother with blonde hair. This person also has pink hair and glasses and this crazy Resurrecion that he thinks makes him look like Jesus. This person is also very conceited and a mad scientist who complains that his hair gets messed up when he's saving his own life.

And this person, of whose name I shall not say, got knocked up by another person almost exactly like him, with a super long nail on his middle finger. The knocker-up also has this really weird facial attachments that make him look like a ram right now, and he used to have this really weird hat that was kind of like a dumpling but nowhere close to D-Roy's version of the Arrancar mask. This person also has a daughter that he probably produced asexually, because it is my belief that it would have been impossible for this person to will anybody in their right mind to sleep with him. Well, that was before he met the knockee and knocked him up and got him pregnant. But whatever.

I totally believe that it was all the wacky science and chummy things, and I totally believe that the knockee should die in childbirth. It would serve him right.

What with all the impregnating going on around here, I'm actually really surprised that Matsumoto hasn't gotten pregnant yet. I mean, you'd think she would be the most likely target, but apparently NOOOO. It's all the guys that are getting pregnant, and the two female pregnancies that we've had in this story have turned out extremely weirdly. Oh my God. What if I'm next? No! I cannot get pregnant! It's not logical, and I do not want children!

Okay. I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to build myself a huge war fortress out of steel so nobody can come in and get me. No. Wait a second. Steel wouldn't last for one second against Renji. Okay. Screw that idea.

I'll blast myself into space with the next NASA mission and live on the International Space Station for the rest of my life. Oh yeah. That's a totally great idea. Except tentacle baby might fly up there too and find me and drag me back down to Earth.

You know what? Screw making plans for the long term. I am catching a plane to South Carolina right FREAKING NOW. I happen to have a reviewer there that would be quite glad to have me.

I've already packed. I'm already waiting at the airport for my flight to come in. I've even dyed my hair freaking BROWN and put brown contacts in so that nobody will look at me weirdly, then take a picture and post it on the global news so that the others can find me. Because if that happens, somebody please put a gun to my head and shoot me already. Make it quick. Make it painless. It's either that or send me laughing my ass off to the Funny Farm.

Anyway, satscout has cordially invited me to spend a couple of weeks at her house in Charleston, South Carolina. Yeah, I may not know exactly where that is, but if it's somewhere far away from here and somewhere that nobody in the gang has heard of, then it's all good. And it's not like I'm gonna go to Africa, because, see, Tousen might track me down while he's trying to find his roots in some remote Kenyan village that doesn't even exist anymore, and then he might tell everybody and then everybody might come and find me again, which I don't want to happen. Besides, I don't exactly want to catch AIDS or malaria. Although knowing Yoruichi and Grimmjow, they probably already have AIDS. Or HIV. One of the two.

So yeah. That's where I'm going. To Charleston. Please, don't tell them. I'm not feeling up to dealing with the insane madness, what with

A) Grimmjow and Ulquiorra fawning over their "children". I don't actually think that Grimmjow has any recollection of knocking up Ulquiorra, but his sexual forays have been far and wide, including people from other animes, so it's quite possible that it really did happen. Also, please note that Skyskater's belief of Ulquiorra topping may or may not be correct, but as Grimmjow or Ulquiorra don't appear to remember, it is impossible to tell. Unless Urahara videotaped them and posted that on a shonen ai website? Is that considered shonen ai? Or is that just considered gay porn....

B) The knocker-up and the knocked up, mentioned above.

C) The knocked up's brother and his gay partner who are not actually gay with each other. Yet.

D) Ichigo and Ishida are enough of a problem.

E) Rukia and E.T. are an even bigger problem.

F) Yachiru and the Special Midget Assassins thing, who are probably not actually protecting Barack Obama but probably trying to see how many of the candy stores in Hawaii they can raid before they get caught and sent to juvy.

G) Kenpachi watching Yachiru proudly.

H) Yoruichi having sex with everybody.

I) Kisuke videotaping Yoruichi having sex with everybody and posting it on YouTube.

J) Byakuya throwing Cetaphils at Renji.

K) Renji slopping Cetaphil all over himself because he sat in a patch of itchy grass.

L) Matsumoto and Orihime being mermaids.

M) Keigo and Mizuiro and Chad's cardboard cutouts...but actually, they're not so much of a problem. They just stand there and look stupid. I wonder how they're faring?

N) Ikkaku staring up at the sky while slowly suffocating to death in the Mario costume.

O) Rose and Love eloping anywhere and everywhere, from phone booths to under restaurant tables.

P) Shinji hitting on everybody walking past, and Hitori attempting to sell weight loss products to everybody who walks past, disregarding the fact that some are actually quite skinny.

Q) Hachi attempting to catch some krill to eat...

R) Shuuhei and Kensei hitting on each other while Shuuhei managed to find a temporary job delivering babies at the very same hospital Ulquiorra delivered at, and Kensei checking out Shuuhei's almost naked behind while he does that.

Yeah. We haven't gotten all the way to Z yet, but I hope we never do.

So South Carolina, here I come!

**_May 23  
Waiting for my flight  
Saturday  
Hitsugaya_**

**For satscout.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL MAKE YOU GO TO AFRICA AND CATCH AIDS AND MALARIA!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	77. Pickles and Chocolate Cake

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Do you guys know that you're practically writing this story? I mean, what with the challenges you send in...**

**If I had had total control of this story, Hitsu would have never gone to Hawaii. If you guys want to send in your ideas (since I am currently brain dead) feel free and see how this story turns!**

**Daily Advice: Sending challenges in would be nice...yes, they would be.**

* * *

Before we actually get started here, I just want to clear up a few common questions that have come up:

To Yaoi-is-smexy: Yes, Ulquiorra is Spanish. Haven't you seen all those pictures of him wearing a sombrero? There's a particularly good one of him wearing this flaming red tux with Grimmjow in a blue salsa dress on deviantArt...Well, okay. So his name is Spanish. Or it's kind of Spanish. Whatever. You get the point.

To Assault Godzilla: Nobody knows what's up with the .2 tacked on to the end of Skyskater's weight. Seriously.

To Mitsune: This is still going on during the school year. I have just decided to take a vacation. Because it gets kind of maddening when you're in high school and you have to deal with all that other crap, too. I thought I could have escaped it in Hawaii, but...guess not....

* * *

Okay. Anyway. Now that that's all cleared up. Here are the new stats for this story:

Words: 104,962. Chapters: 76. Reviews: 1409. Hits: 39051. C2s: 1. Favorites: 158. Alerts: 88.

* * *

Now that I have successfully managed to waste a good two minutes of your time, let's proceed. Wow. There're gonna be a lot of lines in this chapter.

* * *

So I landed on good South Carolinan soil. And there was satscout, standing at the gate, with this HUGE sign with my name on it. And I was like, "Oh my freaking God." I mean, it's not that I don't want to be famous. Yes, of course I want to be famous, but see, when the airport terminal is filled with all these people that do watch Bleach and attempt to cosplay as characters from Bleach because the Anime Expo is in a few hours, then it's not such a good thing. Anyway, after I got off the plane, everybody was all like, "Oh my God, it's Hitsugaya!"

And all that other stuff that fangirls do. I've never quite understood it myself.

And, as you can see, my brown hair and brown contacts totally did not fool anybody at all.

Sadly.

I'm going to sue Mayuri. He said these would work.

* * *

After I got massively glomped by everybody in the freaking airport terminal, including the health inspector that happened to be there that day and who took away a strand of my hair, satscout and I finally fought our way back to her car. And then we drove away. People tried to run after us, but you know how that goes. There's a car, going 15 miles per hour, and there are humans, going 2 miles per hour. So we were putting distance between us.

And then we got to her house.

Yeah. Pretty uneventful.

* * *

My first day at satscout's house was also pretty uneventful. She flipped on the TV, and changed it to Channel 3 news. Now, normally I hate watching news, (I'd rather be watching freaking SpongeBob) but there was something on Channel 3 that just made me flip out.

_**"So, today, Sunday, May 24, at 5:02 A.M., there has been an invasion of giant robots that resemble Transformers on the Hawaiian islands. Kauai, to be exact. Here we have some eyewitnesses, this group of tourists here, to tell us exactly what is going on."**_

Oh. My. God. The said group of tourists that Channel 3 news picked is...well. I'm sure you know exactly who it is.

And then Ichigo came on TV.

News reporter: "So, what's been going on?"  
Ichigo: "I don't know. But I'm pretty sure that it's not good for my baby."  
Reporter: "Your baby?"  
Ichigo: "My baby."  
Reporter: "You're pregnant?"  
Ichigo: "Indeed."

Please let it be known that Ishida was clinging very self righteously to Ichigo. The questions went on this way, posed to everybody.

Il Forte and Yumichika, "And then we were, like, oh my gawd, our hair is totally gonna get like, all messed up, and OHMYGAWD, is that the latest chapstick from Victoria's Secret? We've been, like, totally waiting for that to come out, you gotta tell me where you got that, because it is totally working for you, girl. Totally helps your face out."

Szayel and Mayuri: "It is our belief that these robot like things are a cause of the nitrification process and the greenhouse gases surrounding the stratosphere. Of course, they may also have been caused by high levels of ammonia found in the lithosphere..." Scientific shit like that. Thankfully, they didn't mention the baby they were going to have, although Szayel did start demanding pickles and chocolate cake soon after the interview was over.

Orihime and Matsumoto: "Maybe we can make delicious pastries out of the robots!"

Rukia and E.T.: "Beep boop beep." ...Maybe we should ship them off to Venus.

Yoruichi: "Hey, you're pretty sexy. You wanna get laid?"  
Kisuke: "We could make you a porn star overnight. What with that fine ass, you could totally do it. I can see you in Hollywood right now!"

Let it be known that the poor reporter fainted away at this, and a new reporter (male) had to come on site.

Ulquiorra: "I don't care. You're all trash. Everybody's trash. Except for my two darling babies, Gomi and Basura."  
The reporter, who happened to be Spanish, "You named your babies trash?"  
Ulquiorra: "Are you stalking me, garbage?"  
Grimmjow: "Of course he's not stalking you, love."  
Reporter: "...And you are?"  
Grimmjow: "The father."  
Reporter: "Of the babies? So that means...that...you..." looking at Ulquiorra.  
Ulquiorra: "I am the mother, trash. Get over it."

The second reporter fainted. Another male one had to come on site.

Nova: "..."

Byakuya: "This is my pet, Renji. Say hello, Renji."  
Renji: "Ruff ruff."  
Byakuya: "Good boy."

Keigo, Mizuiro, and Chad cardboard cutouts: "..."

Ikkaku: "Have you noticed the sky is rather azure today?"

Kenpachi and Yachiru: "ILOVEROBOTSOHMYGODOHMYGODDOYOUTHINKONEOFTHEMWILLGIVEMEAPIGGYBACKRIDE????HUH?HUH?KEN-CHAN,CANYOUASKONEOFTHEROBOTSTOGIVEMEAPIGGYBACKRIDE?" Yeah. Totally Yachiru.

Shinji: "Damn, you're hot."

Hitori: "You need to lose weight. Buy this weight loss product." (the reporter was anorexic.)

Love and Rose: "Would you like to have a threesome with us?"

Hachi, in response to the reporter's expressed awe of his rather...rotund form: "I'm not fat. I'm just big boned."

Kensei and Shuuhei: "Um, hello? We're trying to fuck here."

And so, in the background, there's all this screaming and destruction going on because of the "Decepticons" destroying everything in their path and the "Autobots" trying to stop them and failing miserably. And then, out of the sea, these HUGE tentacles come out of the water and start sucking in the giant robots. And nobody on the screen is panning out to see the destruction going on in Kauai, because they're too busy gawking at Kensei and Shuuhei fucking on the ground. I mean, seriously, people! There's mass destruction going on behind you and you have nothing better to be going than watching two homosexual men go at each other!

Okay. That's it.

I've finally figured out a solution for E.T.

We throw him in the water and have the Kraken adopt him. That sounds like a great idea.

Excuse me. I need to go pass out somewhere.

**_May 24  
Satscout's house, searching for a place to pass out in relative safety  
Sunday  
Hitsugaya_**

**For Assault Godzilla, except I thought we should introduce the Kraken in here instead of having Godzilla all the time.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL PUT YOU ON SITE IN KAUAI AS A REPORTER AND HAVE ULQUIORRA ACCUSE YOU OF STALKING HIM!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	78. Shinji the Pedophile

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Oh, wow. Linkin Park 4 ever and Garret-is-mine, I think satscout might start a war against you guys. xD Oh, yeah. That reminds me. Okay, you guys. Check out the challenge that Linkin Park 4 ever sent me in my profile. Since I am not going to make a decision, I want YOU GUYS to come up with one. Okay? PM me your vote or include it in your review. **

**If/when my online poll shows up, go and take it. It's the decider for which character's going to write the Guide to High School for sophomore year. Hopefully it shows up soon....You know, I rather enjoy Byakuya's and Renji's whole interaction with each other because it's so stupid it's hilarious....Sorry. Random thought.**

**Daily Advice: Eat pickles! **

* * *

Life at satscout's house has been pretty uneventful. Aside from the random glompings and camera flashes that I get whenever I so much as dare to stick a finger out the window, it's not too bad. I mean, the gang hasn't found me yet, which is good and yet...somehow suspicious. I mean, they've got Gin the Magical Diary Finder on their side, so admittedly, it is kind of creepy that they haven't tracked me down by now. Of course, maybe they're helping the island of Kauai clean up the huge mess that the Autobots and Decepticons left in the last chapter. But you never know.

For Memorial Day, satscout, satscout's son, satscout's husband and me are going to the beach. Because I like beaches. And it's Memorial Day. How can you not go to a beach on Memorial Day? Unless you, like, have major beachophobia or something like that.

* * *

So we're at the beach. We have a blanket and picnic basket all set out with the little red and white striped umbrella for shade even though the sun isn't really bothering me out here. Surprisingly, I guess the beach goers today are not cultured in the ways of anime and manga, because so far nobody has tried to attack me with their glomping powers. That's a good thing. Of course, the whole I gelled my hair so that it would stay flat thing and it's still dyed brown might have worked.

So I'm sitting here on this blanket, writing away to all you folks out there and watching satscout's son play in the waves, and I think I'm going to get up and build a sand castle so - Oh. My. GOD.

You won't believe this.

So remember how I thought that the rest of the gang was helping the community of Kauai clean up their island from all the weird stuff that went on there? Well, yeah. I guess I was wrong.

So here they come now, riding on...is that Hachi?

Anyway, I'm majorly face palming right now because yes, it turns out that the entire gang, all TWENTY EIGHT of them (not including Hachi, who was being used as a boat, and not including the Chad, Keigo, and Mizuiro cutouts because they were being used as oars) sailed all the way from Hawaii to South Carolina. Seriously. I don't even know how they made it that fast. Unless Hachi has super swimming powers or unless the Kraken was helping push them along because it believed E.T. was one of its brethren and so wanted to help out or unless they cut through the Panama Canal.

So anyway, all the beachgoers are running around, screaming, and satscout and her husband and son are backing away, (quite sensible of them, and why AREN'T I DOING THAT TOO?) while the Hachi-boat approaches. And then Hachi beaches himself (you know, like a whale) and the rest of the gang hop off. Well, except for Rose, Love, Kensei and Shuuhei, who were having a guys-only foursome on Hachi's back. Without protection.

I think satscout's son is scarred. Join the club. We've got jackets.

So then the beachgoers started approaching Hachi very cautiously, because the big guy wasn't moving. I mean, did he suffer a heart attack or something? I mean, with all that blubber, I'm sure it's quite possible that he did.

One of the guys, who was holding up black boxes to cover the foursome's private parts from his eyes, was all, "Okay. What should we do with this...thing?"

Satscout's husband: "I think it's a whale."

Other guy: "Have you ever seen a pink whale?"  
Satscout's husband: "No, but that doesn't mean they don't exist. Everybody thought pink dolphins didn't exist, too!"  
Other guy: "That's true. So what should we do?"  
Satscout's husband: "Remember, back in the 1970s, when these people found a whale and stuck dynamite in it to blow it up?"  
Other guy: "We could totally do that! Now, which one of you has dynamite?"

This rather porky woman in the crowd stepped forward. "I work in a lab. There's some sodium there. We could put it on the whale and pour water on it. That's good for an explosion."

Everybody unanimously agreed on that, and the woman drove off to get some sodium.

Now, seriously people. I mean, I admire you, but why is it that you can focus on a beached "whale" while ignoring:

Ichigo and Ishida clinging self righteously to each other  
Yoruichi and Kisuke hitting up everybody in the crowd  
Shinji hitting on everybody and anybody including satscout's son...PEDOPHILE!!!  
Hitori trying to convince everybody that they need to lose weight regardless of whether they are skinny or not  
Kensei, Shuuhei, Love, and Rose fucking...they've rolled off Hachi's back into the shallow water  
Il Forte and Yumichika complimenting every woman (and man) wearing lipstick  
Szayel and Mayuri attempting to convince every pregnant woman in the crowd to test the Birthing Flower (the previous subjects disappeared to some mysterious place....)  
Orihime and Matsumoto eating sand  
Rukia and E.T. - no explanation needed  
Ulquiorra and Grimmjow and their two babies  
Byakuya and Renji...once again, no explanation required  
The now soggy cardboard cutouts of Keigo, Mizuiro, and Chad  
Ikkaku staring at the sky and  
Kenpachi and Yachiru - a seven foot tall guy with a tiny pink headed girl

I mean, seriously! How do you ignore all that?!

Anyway, the lady's back now with the sodium. And a Hazmat suit. I mean, it's not like you're dealing with hazardous waste here, people! But better be on the safe side, just in case. I mean, you never know what Hachi's been chowing down on. I swear I caught him eating out of the Dumpster once. Ulquiorra would have been proud.

She's putting a tiny bit of sodium on Hachi's back. She placed one drop of water on it. The whole thing EXPLODED, and Hachi went flying sky high.

When the dust cleared, there were no pieces of Hachi lying strewn on the ground. Rather, there was something more terrifying:

Hachi's freaking SHADOW was on the ground and getting larger by the second. And it was right on top of me.

I panicked. I ran for my life, shoving people behind me.

After a good fifty feet away, I curled up in the fetal position and tried to find my happy place, hoping that the ground wouldn't sink into a massive sink hole underneath me due to the shock of Hachi's impact. It never came. I stood up and looked over. It turns out that Nova transformed out of pill form and transported Hachi to another spot down the beach a good mile or so away. Of course, we still felt mild shocks after his impact, because...well, it's pretty hard not to when you've got a guy that big. But nobody was killed. Which is a good thing.

Of course, this would have been the perfect ending to a rather odd day if Grimmjow hadn't gone all crazy. You know, the whole I-must-destroy-Nova complex thing.

Grimmjow tried to cero Nova into little pieces. And it failed because Nova opened another dimension and the cero went straight through it.

Unfortunately, Nova forgot to make another dimension for the cero beam, and so the ray ended up hitting Hachi a mile down the beach, blew him out to sea, and he belly flopped into the water. Which caused this ginormous tidal wave. When it hit the beach, I swear I could see fish breaking out of the water and hitting the cliffs behind us.

Great. They found me.

Someone, give me a gun and one bullet, pronto!

**_May 25  
At the beach  
Monday  
Hitsugaya_**

**A challenge sent in by Assault Godzilla.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL SEND HACHI TO ANOTHER DIMENSION AND HAVE HIM LAND RIGHT ON TOP OF YOU!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	79. Sex Toys in Every Drawer

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Two chapters in one day! I'm on a roll, people! Of course...I'm putting my other challenges on hiatus...but...you know.**

**Take my online poll! I demand it of you! And also please send in your votes as to who the father of Hitsugaya's baby is! Did you know people are voting for Yoruichi and Kisuke to write the GTHS for sophomore year?? If you don't want that to happen, take my poll found in my profile!**

**Daily Advice: Wear socks. If you don't, you might get a blister on your foot.**

* * *

So it's the evening now. After the whole Hachi fiasco. And I'm back at satscout's house. Thankfully, the good woman is kind enough to let me ride out the disaster at her house instead of kicking me out into the cold cruel world.

In a rare moment of considerateness (if that's even a word), Kensei valiantly suggested (while dry humping Shuuhei) that the rest of the gang should find a hotel that they could stay at so that poor satscout wouldn't have to house all of them and so that they wouldn't have to camp outside like primitive savages. I'm sure Renji wouldn't have minded that. Really, in my opinion, I think Kensei was trying to say something like this: "I want a goddamn five star hotel with clean sheets and fluffy pillows and sex toys in every drawer so I can fuck this boy that's only about a hundred years younger than me into submission and have the entire hotel staff listen to us while we fuck!"

Something like that.

And because Kensei is Kensei, everybody listened to him.

Since I forgot Nemu and Lisa in the last chapter, they were there too. However, they weren't really doing anything, and so I skipped over them. Now, the cardboard cutouts, they were important because they were soggy and I'm sure somewhere in Karakura Town Chad, Keigo, and Mizuiro were crying their eyes out over the look alike cardboard cutouts that are now destroyed and which they used to sit in classes for them while they went off and did other things. You've gotta give it to them. They're actually pretty smart, despite their looks.

Anyway - oh. Excuse me a second. There's someone at the door. I need to go answer it, because satscout is putting her son to bed and her husband is...somewhere out of the vicinity right now.

xxxxx A FEW HOURS LATER xxxxxxxxxx

Oh. My. God.

I don't know what just happened.

I'm totally out of it, and satscout doesn't know what happened because she wasn't there. Satscout's son doesn't know what happened because he's asleep. And satscout's husband...is still somewhere out of the vicinity.

What I do know is that I am unbelievably sore and - OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!! I'M BLEEDING! I'M HEMORRHAGING! SOMEBODY CALL THE AMBULANCE!!!!

xxxxxxxx A FEW MINUTES LATER xxxxxxxxx

Okay. It turns out I'm not actually hemorrhaging. Satscout is quite the medical know-it-all, and she said I wasn't hemorrhaging because there wasn't enough blood for me to be doing that. However, right now I do wish that I was hemorrhaging suddenly and unexplainedly, because what she told me was far worse than having a hemorrhage in my rectum:

What she said was this:

"You've torn."

I've TORN. Can you fucking believe this? I've freaking TORN.

My life will never be the same again.

* * *

Okay. Okay. Let me find a happy place...okay. Okay. Deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out. I'm suitably calmed down enough for me to recount this traumatic experience to you.

So, anyway, when I opened the door a few hours and minutes ago, I was confronted by Cirucci Thunderwitch. You know, that insane Arrancar bitch that got defeated by Ishida back in manga chapter 255 or something like that. You know, I wasn't even aware that she was still alive, because the Exequias or however you spell their titles came and it looked like they finished her off. But we don't actually know. It turns out that they decided to have pity on her poor Lolita soul because apparently they spared her.

And she came to satscout's house and raped me.

Or, at least, that's what I think happened.

Because after she smiled and said, "Hi," I don't remember anything else except this white thing whooshing at my face. And then I saw stars and blacked out.

And then a few hours later I woke up to satscout's frantic shakings on her doorstep in a puddle of my own blood. Thank God I wasn't naked. Apparently, if I did get raped, whoever did it (probably Cirucci but I can't actually be sure anymore) had the decency to put my clothes back on me.

Little saving grace that was.

* * *

I mean, this is a complete mystery. First of all, yes. I am fairly sure (as is satscout, and she's the medical expert here!) that I got raped, brutally and while I was unconscious. Second of all, I am also fairly sure that this totally breaks my vow of celibacy that I made in that woodland clearing. However, I did not intend for this to happen, so is the vow still intact? Or how does that work?

Now, here's where the whole mystery aspect of this comes in.

First, I don't know who raped me. Signs point to Cirucci, but I can't exactly be sure because...well, I don't know exactly WHAT raped me in the first place.

Second, the person or thing that raped me didn't leave any tracks or signs or anything. I mean, if I had been raped by a GUY, wouldn't I have been, like, bleeding semen out of my ass too? Unless said guy didn't...like...do that inside me and actually did it somewhere else...like on my clothes...except they're not wet (well, they kind of are, but that's with blood).

And third, well, there really is no third, but I think that three is a magical number.

If you shall excuse me now. I'm going to go limp over to the bathroom and throw up.

* * *

**_May 25  
Limping to the bathroom to throw up  
Monday  
Hitsugaya_**

**The first part of a challenge sent in by Linkin Park 4ever. Yes. Tis the fabled challenge. This is probably the sickest chapter I've ever written in this entire story.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL GO GET SOMEONE TO RAPE YOU!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	80. Drag Racing

**Skyskater's Daily Note: I'm playing hooky today. I'm such a bad person. (Not really.) I had to take an assessment test at the JC...**

**Okay. Poll status: The most popular choice so far is Byakuya and/or Renji, surprisingly. LOL. If you don't want to see that happen for sophomore year's GTHS, then send in your votes!!!!**

**Daily Advice: Be happy!**

* * *

So after the whole "I just got raped by a woman - well, actually, I don't know if she raped me, but something raped me" incident yesterday evening, I've been having these really, really weird hallucinations. Of course, upon hearing the trauma that I had just undergone, the entire gang just HAD to come over from their hotel. I begged them not to. I told them that if they came to satscout's house, satscout would be very angry with me and would kick me out and then I'd be a cold, raped little boy in a cold cruel world with no one to care for me. I told them that they would make my already critical condition worse if they came to visit me. Did they care? Not even a little bit. And, I mean, sure. They might not care about ME, but I'm not even in my own place! I'm in another person's place, so THEY should also care!

Ugh. Why can't Kensei just command everybody to stay at the hotel with the sex toys in every drawer?

* * *

They're here now. And...they've brought Britney Spears. And Paris Hilton. I'm like, almost tempted to ask, "Hey! Where's Lindsay Lohan?" I mean, seriously. The triplets, right there.

Actually, it turns out that the real reason they're here is not actually to visit me, but because the hotel they were staying at ran out of their 500,000,000 pounds of extra soft Cottonelle toilet paper because Kenpachi and Yachiru went around mummifying the community around the hotel. Then Mayuri got kicked out for trying to discover a new chemical compound with the aid of rotten tomatoes, a hairdryer, some nuclear cotton candy, and exactly 3.5 turkeys. Needless to say, that didn't go too well. In fact, instead of discovering his new chemical compound and writing a thirty page term paper about it, he instead brought a new creation to life: A giant mechanical spider hell bent on eating the concierge's intestines with fancy toothpicks. I don't honestly know how that happened, and I don't really want to know.

And then, to top it all off, Shuuhei had this crazy notion to paint the inside of one of the elevators at the Ritz (yeah. They were staying at the Ritz...but it wasn't actually THE Ritz, it was just a hotel mooching off The Ritz's name) turquoise. Yeah. Maybe it was some crazy idea that painting the inside of the elevator turquoise would show his dedication to Kensei in some twisted way? I don't know. And I don't care.

Frankly, I would rather write their whole visit (and their whole existence, too!) off as a really bad hallucination caused by my raping, but...well, when Renji enters the room and starts poking your arm with a stick after so kindly informing the actual owner of the house that he was just in the bathroom a few minutes ago and he "missed" and that she might want to look into getting her entire bathroom redone, it's pretty hard to write it off as an illusion. I wish it was, though.

And then, as if the gang wanted to make my day even worse, I look out the window to avoid the whole mess of insanities going on in satscout's living room (she's probably gonna need to get a new couch after what Kensei and Shuuhei are...so loudly doing on it....), I see Kenpachi and Yachiru drag racing down this quiet South Carolina street in a rocket. Now, I don't know where they got the rocket, and I don't know why they aren't actually flying it, but Kenpachi is laughing his ass off and Yachiru is steering. Lord save us all.

And then a few milliseconds after the rocket had passed from my vision out the window, who else comes careening into sight? You got it. The freaking dictator of North Korea, Kim Jong II, goes racing by in this really fancy car that actually does look like it was built for drag racing. A really fancy car that, I might add, has freaking machine guns poking out of the hood, with bullets going off at the rocket.

I think Kenpachi and Yachiru just started a new world war.

Great.

And now these people on the other side of the street are glaring at me through the window. I mean, it's not even my fucking fault! Do satscout's neighbors really think that I lured the entire gang there just to make trouble for them? Because I really didn't. In fact, I was crossing my fingers and hoping that they wouldn't come and visit me. Seriously, I really was. I don't need anybody to visit me. Except maybe Hanatarou, to heal up my "tear" and to give me some really strong sleeping pills so that I can go to sleep and hopefully have a nice dream in which everything is normal and I had never had any sexual contact whatsoever, consensual or not...

You know, that's not such a bad idea. I might go and raid Satscout's pantry for some really strong meds. Get all drugged up. It would kill the pain and knock me out, and then I wouldn't have to deal with this insane mess that plopped itself down right in front of me and part of which is drag racing down the street, attempting to dodge the machine gun bullets from the guns poking out of the dictator of North Korea's car.

Hopefully I even OD. Then I can die in peace and in a cloud of rainbows.

**_May 26  
Raiding satscout's pantry  
Tuesday  
Hitsugaya_**

**Challenges sent in by ZuZu-Chan and The Infamous Salem-Chan. I'm sorry ZuZu!! Thank you for being patient!**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL FEED YOU TO THE GIANT MECHANICAL SPIDER HELL BENT ON EATING OUT YOUR INTESTINES WITH FANCY TOOTHPICKS!!!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	81. Mr Snookieplums

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Hitsugaya is winning in the polls again. Although Byakuya, Renji, Gin, and Aizen are not far behind.**

**Random thought: I have that commercial from Jack in the Box for the Mini Sirloin Burgers stuck in my head. O.O**

**Daily Advice: If you like Death Note, go and check out MRegent.2's story Near's Guide to High School. It's like this story, except with Death Note. (MRegent.2, I am promoting your story! =D I know. Very subtle.)**

* * *

I just want to say something:

Satscout is, perhaps, the bravest, most courageous, and most idiotic woman on the face of the Earth.

Not even a joke.

So anyway, after the gang leaves because Kensei demands that they go back to the hotel so that he can fuck Shuuhei again (because, see, Satscout threw them out after they fucked on her couch because apparently her child sleeps there and now she is demanding reimbursement on said couch which probably will never get paid; personally, I think she should hold Shuuhei ransom until Kensei pays her off for her sofa), who decides to come and visit?

That's right. Nel and Bigfoot.

Nel was in her adult form, which, as you know, has a rather large chest, and she actually knocked Satscout's son out on the way in the door.

See, I, personally, wouldn't have invited Nel OR Bigfoot into my house, but Satscout's a very kind woman and so she's all, "Oh. Hey. You must be some of Hitsugaya's friends. Come right in! There's tea on the stove and I've got some apple pie baking in the oven! Make yourselves at home. Mind the couch, though. It's still rather...septic."

Once inside the house, Nel sits down at the coffee table and says, "Alrighty then, Mr. Snookieplums, you can sit over there." Bigfoot came in, and sat down at the head of the coffee table, and broke the stool he was sitting on. So he sat on the floor. The wooden floor cracked under his weight. Let's just say that satscout's going to be doing some major renovations to her house to get it even close to wear it was before all this insanity happened.

* * *

Nel thinks it's a playdate.

A PLAYDATE.

I haven't had a playdate since I was...since I was...well, three years old! And even then, it wasn't so much of a play date as a walk in the park with a good childhood friend, who, unfortunately, succumbed to brain trauma later on in her life and whose name shall not be mentioned as of right now...but I shall give you a hint. She has pink hair, and her pituitary gland was damaged as a child because she fell off the jungle gym. She also loves sugar and gobbles it down by the barrel in the form of candy.

I bet you had no idea whatsoever about that scene from my past.

Anyhow, so there we were, me and Nel and Bigfoot, who was, mind you, shedding all over the floor, when the doorbell rings. Satscout immediately jumps up, being as how Nel and Bigfoot are fascinated with their pie and how I am currently incapacitated (remember, the whole rape thing? Yeah. You're limping for DAYS, man. DAYS.)

And she opens the door to Ulquiorra. And Grimmjow. And their twin sons, Gomi and Basura. Out of curiosity, isn't Basura a Filipino word, too? Or do Filipinos speak Spanish? It's all very confusing.

Anyway, Ulquiorra is, for some reason, in his second release form (you know, the one with the wings and the spork of doom) and has the Batman symbol across his chest. Grimmjow is Catwoman. Appropriately. And Gomi and Basura, well, I don't exactly know what they are, but I hope those blankets they're wearing came from someplace other than the Dumpster.

Upon satscout's opening of her front door, Ulquiorra stuck out his hand (the arm that was not carrying Gomi/Basura, I have no idea which one it was) and said, "You. Woman. Give me all your trash. NOW."

And then, just because Christian Bale is his role model, he was all, "You know, woman, I think standing in the doorway staring at me with awe is the worst thing in the world a piece of human trash such as yourself can do." (**a/n: This is an adaptation of an actual Christian Bale quote)**

And so that snapped satscout out of her trance and she hustled inside, got all the trash from all the rooms in her house, and handed them over to Ulquiorra, who handed two separate bags to his darling babies to play with. Seriously. I hope they don't take after their mother? father? whatever the hell Ulquiorra's relation to them is. Because if they do, then we're doomed. And the landfills are also doomed. Although that might not necessarily be such a bad thing.

Grimmjow smiled, showing pointed cat teeth, and said, "Merci beaucoup."

Now. I had no idea Grimmjow could speak French. I don't think satscout had the slightest inkling either, because she passed out on the floor.

Grimmjow closed the door behind them, and through the window, I could see them going to the next house and demanding more trash for their babies to play with. The next house was answered by an old woman with wispy white hair, who promptly had a heart attack when she saw Ulquiorra. Ulquiorra just stared at her for a moment, said something that vaguely looked like the word, "Trash," and moved on, Grimmjow following behind in complete adoration.

Personally, I think the guy's shocked and stunned and proud of himself all at once for ever knocking Ulquiorra up and for ever having made the 'perfect' twin Arrancar babies.

I hope satscout's okay. And I hope that Nel and Bigfoot get out soon.

I don't need to deal with this.

And I want more pie.

Nel's not sharing.

**_May 27  
Wanting more pie  
Wednesday  
Hitsugaya_**

**Challenges sent in by Assault Godzilla.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL SEND NEL AND BIGFOOT TO YOUR HOUSE AND THEY WILL EAT ALL YOUR PIE!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	82. Pot Pie and Whipped Cream

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Hitsugaya is winning in the polls. Someone voted for Chad, Keigo, and Mizuiro or the cardboard cutouts of the aforementioned. I wonder who it was?**

**Byakuya and Renji are two votes behind!**

**Daily Advice: Never write embarrassing stuff in someone's yearbook.**

* * *

I've been having a bad day. I need a hug. But from a completely normal person.

So, it all started last night. I was throwing up majorly, because I was feeling really nauseous, and even though I was really hungry, I couldn't seem to keep any food down because I was so nauseous. I think I might have been allergic to Bigfoot's shedding all over the floor. But who knows.

Also, yesterday, I was going to the shower so that I could take one, and when I stripped off my underwear, there was BLOOD in it. ...I mean, what the hell? Either I'm turning into a female, or I'm hemorrhaging out of my rectum. Or something like that. Either way, that's when I knew something was wrong.

Not to mention that my rather flat chest started to swell up a little bit, like I was having an allergic reaction or something, except I had no idea what it could be that I was allergic to. So then I thought I had breast cancer. And I started freaking out. And yes, it is possible for guys to get breast cancer, too.

I've also been having backaches and headaches throughout the day, and I've been to the little boy's room more than I usually do.

And, for some reason, I had this major craving for pot pie with whipped cream. I couldn't get it out of my head.

When I told satscout about all this, she just stared at me for a few minutes and then told me to get in the car because we were going to the doctor's.

What could possibly be so bad that I need to go to the doctor's for this??

* * *

I don't like doctors. Well, I don't like them in general, but the ones in South Carolina are particularly mean and evil.

And the doctor that checked me up was female, not male as I would have expected. I wondered why satscout got me a female doctor, but I decided not to question her judgment. After all, she is probably one of the sanest people around. And also the most medically experienced.

The doctor asked me about my symptoms, and when I told her, she just raised an eyebrow at me. Then she handed me this little cup thing and told me to go into the bathroom and pee in it.

I began to suspect something fishy was up. Like I had an STD or something, and they were testing me to see if I had AIDS or crabs or something. God knows I probably got it from Grimmjow. Stand within ten feet of the guy and you're already at risk for catching something.

So I went in the little cup, handed it to the doctor, who sent it off to the lab and then kicked me out of the room.

Now, listen here. I'M the patient, I deserve to be in the room at ALL TIMES. But no. The doctor kicked me out so that she and satscout could have a little chat about my condition.

This is bad. I can feel it in my bones.

* * *

The results came back from the lab, and the doctor called me back in, her face quite rosy and happy. Now I really knew something was wrong. Doctors always look happy when they figure out what's wrong with you, and that thing that is wrong with you is probably really bad and they're trying to smile so that you are reassured that it's not really bad when in reality, it actually is.

And then she said, "You're pregnant."

I choked on my own spit.

When I got my breath back, I stared at her and shouted, "YOU'RE FUCKING KIDDING ME! Repeat that!"

"You're pregnant."

I passed out and conked my head on the floor.

I hope I damage my hypothalamus and become a vegetable or something.

* * *

**_May 30  
Passed out, apparently  
Saturday  
Hitsugaya_**

**Challenges sent in by MRegent.2 and Linkin Park 4 ever.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL KICK YOU OUT OF YOUR OWN HOSPITAL ROOM!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	83. Wow Hitsugaya You're Growing Moobs

**Skyskater's Daily Note: I have (successfully?) written my first sex scene.**

**It's the third chapter of my story Romeo and Juliet Plus Paris. Feedback would be appreciated. To clear up a few things, Ichigo, Nemu, Szayel, and Hitsugaya are all pregnant. No one else is as of right now.**

**Daily Advice: Find out someone's allergies first before you give them food.**

* * *

Okay. It appears as though I am pregnant. Freaking awesome. This is great. All my life's wishes, all my life's dreams, have been washed away by this cruel change of fate.

And, of course, I'm pretty sure it's Cirucci's. Everybody else thinks it's hers, too. But satscout says that we should get a paternity test anyway, just to make sure.

Yeah, yeah. It's way too early to get a paternity test, but...well, I am not waiting. I need to know who impregnated me so that I can kill them horribly using nothing but a pack of dry ice, tweezers, and a mallet.

So, I kind of have to go now, because satscout's taking me to the paternity test place. And thankfully, she's paying for it. Those things are damn expensive, you know!

* * *

So...I got back from the paternity test.

And...it's not Cirucci's.

It IS Stark's, though.

I didn't even know that Stark had DNA in the paternity test place's office.

But whatever.

He probably donated it before, when he was actually a human and couldn't impregnate little boys for fun.

* * *

I'm surprised I'm acting so calmly.

I think I'm going into shock.

I'm getting tunnel vision.

* * *

THIS IS FUCKING HORRIBLE! I'M PREGNANT I'M PREGNANT I'M PREGNANT! AND WITH STARK'S KID, NO LESS! I'VE NEVER SEEN HIS FREAKING NAME IN THIS STORY BEFORE, MUCH LESS HIM IN THE FLESH! What's going on?!

So, of course, in the whole "I'm pregnant so apparently I need to be surrounded by my friends so I can get through this pregnancy because the state of South Carolina refuses to give me, a male, an abortion" thing, satscout decided to invite the gang over from the Ritz. Well, the Ritz fake that was mooching off the Ritz's name and actually was probably a Motel 6 in disguise.

Grimmjow was all, "Wow. I'm surprised that lazy ass managed to stay awake long enough to rape you."  
Ulquiorra: "That piece of trash shall now father trashy children." RIGHT...this coming from the man who was supposedly impregnated by a woman but then it turns out that he wasn't...This is also the same man who goes around knocking down people's doors wearing a Batman costume and demanding all their trash so he can give it to his babies to play with. His babies who, as I may add, are both named after trash honoring Ulquiorra's heritage.

Szayel: "As Grimmjow put it so eloquently, yes. I am quite surprised that Stark managed to find enough energy to get up off the couch and go and undertake the act of coitus with you."  
Mayuri: "That is FASCINATING. A pregnant male! Most fascinating. I would normally request that I bring you into my lab to get some specimens, but as you are clearly in a phase of horrible mental trauma, I shall not force you against your will." (Now, why couldn't he bring in Ichigo or Szayel? Or Ulquiorra when HE got pregnant??)

Il Forte: "Dude."  
Yumichika: "Oh my gawd."

Ichigo: "Now we're like brothers! Except not."  
Ishida: "Well said, Ichigo."

Rukia: "I hope your baby is blessed as mine is." No, thank you.

Yachiru: "Ooh, Ken-chan! Now Shiro-chan is gonna have little midget babies!"  
Kenpachi: "Yo, Hitsugaya. I always knew you were a pansy." WHAT THE FUCK?! It wasn't like I WANTED this!

Yoruichi: "Wowww....even I haven't managed to convince Stark to have sex with me."  
Kisuke: "Good job, kid. I'm proud of you."

Renji: "Grunt ngh WOOF RUFF ngh grunt."  
Byakuya: "Indeed, Renji. Indeed."

Matsumoto and Orihime were frolicking in the ocean still with their mermaid pals. I hope they never come out.

The cardboard cutout Musketeers: "..."

Ikkaku: "Aha! The sky is quite a nice shade of periwinkle, so this is why this misfortune has fallen upon us!" Upon US?? Upon ME, you mean.

Rose and Love, somewhere in an obscure corner of satscout's house: "Oh, OH MY GOD! F*** ME! MORE MORE!!!" -GAG-

Shinji: "I've never hit on a pregnant person before. Would you like to be my first?"  
Hitori: "Wow, Hitsugaya, you're growing moobs." THANKS.

Hachi - still "blown up."

Shuuhei and Kensei: "We could deliver your baby for you!" No. No.

This fucking sucks.

And then, as if to make everything worse, Aizen, Gin, and Tousen beam themselves up from Hueco Mundo.

They're in FUCKING DRESSES. And I think they're trying to be characters from Sailor Moon, but I can't be sure.

Seriously. Of course, Gin doesn't care, because...he's Gin, and Tousen probably doesn't know what the hell he's dressed in anyway, but Aizen? In a dress? Seriously.

Gin is carrying flowers, and Tousen is carrying a cake that says, "Congratulations on your new baby!"

I passed out.

**_May 31  
Passed out - I appear to be doing that a lot lately  
Sunday  
Hitsugaya_**

**Challenges sent in by Full Metal Bec and Linkin Park 4 ever.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL BEAM GIN, AIZEN, AND TOUSEN UP TO YOUR HOUSE, AND THEY WILL BE WEARING DRESSES!!!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	84. Giant Evil Robot Death Monkey

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Okay. I am begging you to go and read my story Romeo and Juliet Plus Paris and review. Pretty please?**

**On the other hand, back to this story. There shall be a multitude of different characters from different casts joining us briefly, including characters from Kingdom Hearts, Death Note, and Naruto. I know.**

**Daily Advice: If you want someone to hold your hand, tap the back of their hand very lightly with the back of your hand.**

* * *

Shit. I hate being pregnant.

Now, that was a statement that never, in all my years, had I thought I would ever say in my entire life. But, you know. That's the way it goes these days, what with all this modern technology. Heck, what with all the cool shit out right now, guys could probably just spontaneously say that they wanted to grow boobs over night and it would happen!

Anyway.

So I've been here throwing up and getting the worst back and headaches, and getting taunted about growing moobs (if man boobs are called moobs, should a bra then be called a bro?) and I've been stuffing my face with pot pie and whipped cream for the better part of my day, and just when I thought my life couldn't get any worse, it did. Of course.

Senna (from Memories of Nobody) just dragged herself out of the well in Satscout's backyard. Seriously. Yesterday, I swear that that well was not there. Nuh uh. So maybe Nova just magically transported a well from another dimension into this one so that Senna could emerge out of it. And then she was followed by a bazillion zombie-like things that all had the Nazi symbol painted on their chest. And THEN, as if this couldn't get any worse than it already was, Gir from Invader Zim (yes, I actually watch that, get over it!) popped out. I think he's her pet.

So, it appears Senna's been watching too many horror movies. I think that she thinks that she's the girl from The Ring, and that's what was up with the whole magically appearing well gig. Unless she had Nova on her side. If so, then that pill is a devious little bastard.

She forced us all outside (I SHOULD NOT BE TREATED LIKE THIS! I AM PREGNANT!) and threatened us all to build her a giant evil robot death monkey. As if any of us is smart enough to build a giant evil robot death monkey. And then she said that if we didn't comply with her wishes, she would eat our brains, regardless of our IQ or the remaining amount of brain cells we had left (aka Renji, who has a brain cell count of two and a half.) Also, she said that once she's finished eating everybody, she'll annoy me for the rest of eternity. So, I, of course, decided to start building this giant evil robot death monkey because I didn't want that to happen to me. They can eat Renji for all I care. I just don't want to be annoyed for the rest of eternity!

Let me look behind this suspiciously large bush here to see if there are any building materials.

* * *

It turns out that the suspiciously large bush that had apparently just sprung out of nowhere had hidden weapons, like flamethrowers, shotguns, a banjo, and a Galilean Spartan Laser, which I, of course, got. Because I am clearly the coolest one here and so should deserve to get the coolest weapon.

Renji played the banjo, and was so horrible at it that the Nazi zombies up and died because they didn't want to listen to it anymore, and the ones that were deaf got cut down by the flamethrowers, shotguns, and my Galilean Spartan Laser. After that, Senna and Gir just stared at us, then waved, and then jumped back in the well, which disappeared again.

Now, if that wasn't weird, then I don't know what is.

* * *

I think that while I have this Galilean Spartan Laser thing, I'll go and kill Michael Jackson.

You know. Hormonal mood swings.

I can't believe I just said that.

* * *

And then, after I went and killed the beloved 'Prince of Pop' or whatever his self-made title is, I came back to find Aizen slowly using the method of oxygen deprivation while having sex with Lelouch to kill him so that he could "steal C.C's power of immortality." Although I don't know what killing Lelouch has to do with C.C. And, okay. I had absolutely no idea that people from Code Geass were now invading this story. How do you even pronounce the second word of that title? 'Geass?' Do you pronounce it like 'Grass' except without the R? Or do you pronounce it like 'Geese?' This is very confusing.

I guess Aizen wanted the immortality power so that he could win the Winter War hands down. Of course, he also has Renji to deal with, because Renji is now also, unfortunately, immortal. And I don't think Aizen is willing to share his power.

Okay. I know what I am going to do. Since I have a horrible headache and am probably hallucinating this whole thing (including Gin and Tousen dressed up in panda outfits jumping around shaking maraccas), I am going to go lie down.

And I'll probably go and pop and few antidepressants. I need to find a happy place. And FAST.

Poor satscout. Her house is getting TRASHED.

**_June 1  
Popping antidepressants  
Monday  
Hitsugaya_**

**Challenges sent in by Misa Misa Akira and Assault Godzilla.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL TRASH YOUR HOUSE!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	85. Road Trip!

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Okay. I am begging you to go and read my story Romeo and Juliet Plus Paris and review. Pretty please?**

**Shortly, Hitsugaya shall go on a road trip. Warning all of you right now.**

**Daily Advice: Yes, Assault Godzilla, tapping the back of someone's hand lightly with the back of your hand implies that you want them to hold your hand. Or you could just slip your hand into theirs. Or if they don't pick up on it, don't force them because it means they're not ready yet.**

* * *

Okay. Remember how the whole "Hachi blew up and his body parts went into the stratosphere" thing or whatever level of the atmosphere it was that his body parts went to? Yeah. So they just decided to come back down. And it appears as though an arm has miraculous survived the crash into...satscout's house. I guess it's Hierro. If Vizards have Hierro.

Poor satscout. Her house is destroyed. Gone. Wonder how she'll get that through to the insurance agents.

Oh. Look. There's this piece of paper on the ground. It says...Garell? Garetl? Garelt?

Well, apparently I'm going to Garrett-is-Mine's house. God. This is such messy handwriting. It's hard to believe that this GIM person, for short, is a girl. Or maybe it's a gay guy. I'm pretty open to these kinds of things.

Anyway, there are...a lot of us (I don't want to count) and one van. A very small, very ancient, sixties minivan. And, of course, this is the one time when Renji decides he wants to speak English for once.

"ROAD TRIP!"

And immediately everybody agrees. I mean, seriously. Just because this is the one time when our most uncivilized member decides to go and speak English does NOT mean that the Apocalypse is coming and everybody should immediately agree in order not to anger the gods of primitive nature.

But nooo. I'm outvoted. Again. I mean, even satscout and her husband and son are agreeing to this! What the fuck?! Where are the real satscout and her husband and her son? What if aliens abducted them?! What if...what if....what if I'm alone in this cold cruel world, an island of sanity surrounded by tossing waves of pandemonium?! I think I'm about to cry.

Damn hormonal mood swings.

* * *

So now I'm crowded into the back of this teeny, tiny ancient sixties minivan with Kensei and Shuuhei and Rose and Love, which, as you should all know by now, is NOT a good combination. My God. You would think they were trying to procreate and failing miserably, just by the way they were fucking.

Did you know it's possible for guys to produce breastmilk?

Okay. Sorry. That was way out of line. Didn't mean that.

Anyway, so I'm in the back of this minivan and satscout is driving us, following the directions on the note that I found.

And Renji, who has suddenly experienced a relapse into primitiveness, is being translated for by Byakuya:

"I would like to go to Mt. Rushmore!"

Right. As if Renji would be interested in Mt. Rushmore. Nothing more than a bunch of stone faces of people who are already dead and who he doesn't even know the names of.

And Tousen wants to go to Salt Lake City. Mind you, he and Aizen and Gin are still wearing dresses. I think it would be too much to ask that they please be wearing guy underwear....

And Ichigo wants to go to the Grand Canyon. I mean, seriously! This is like a road trip around the United States!

I forget the real purpose why I'm actually here in the human world anymore.

Excuse me. I need to go throw up my lunch.

**_June 4  
Going to throw up  
Thursday  
Hitsugaya_**

**Challenge sent in by MRegent.2.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL MAKE YOU THROW UP YOUR LUNCH!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	86. The Eject Button

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Wouldn't it be really weird if I actually met one of my reviewers some day? **

**Oh, Mitsune-kun, if you are reading this right now, please let it be known that you will have to submit another challenge or revise your existing challenge. Hitsugaya is not getting an abortion due to other challenges that have received priority. Please review/PM me and tell me your revision for your challenge/your new challenge as soon as possible! Thanks.**

**Daily Advice: In...about...four to ten years I might actually be available to meet someone like that! Wouldn't that be freaking awesome?!**

**Oh, yeah, just letting you guys know, that if you have submitted a request for putting in casts of another category, I will not bring in EVERY single character. Only the main ones.**

* * *

Before I officially start this chapter of insanity, I just want to clarify that I have no actual idea where we got the minivan from.

Perhaps it dropped from the sky.

Did you know there was a news article a few months back about this cow jumping out of an airplane and dropping out of the sky on some poor fishing boat? Yeah. It was pretty epic.

Anyway.

* * *

So, here I am. I'm a fifty year old Soul Reaper that looks like a twelve year old elementary school kid. I am stuck in the back of this ancient minivan with four people who are passionately fucking their brains out, despite satscout's protests that I should be allowed to sit in the front. Of course, NOBODY ever listens to the driver, or the pregnant guy sitting in the backseat. You heard me right. Freaking pregnant guy. AKA me. Not to mention I'm also pregnant with another GUY'S child. Another guy whom I have never actually seen in this story before. Another guy who is really so damn lazy that I'm beginning to wonder if Cirucci knocked me out and then injected me with some of his bodily fluids while I was unconscious. Because, as we all know, it would be a real shock and a major sign of the Apocalypse if Stark actually managed to get up out of his unmotivated-to-do-anything state and actually do something.

Then again, I thought it was a sign of the Apocalypse when Orihime had her deciplets, too. And again when Ulquiorra got pregnant. And again when Ulquiorra delivered and it turned out that he hadn't actually been impregnated by Orihime, but he somehow managed to get impregnated by Grimmjow even though he was the one on top.

And I haven't been right any of those times.

Makes me think that the Apocalypse is never coming.

* * *

So we're going to Baton Rouge, Louisiana, to this GIM's house. And okay, the drive is going as normally as this kind of drive can go. I mean, what with four GUYS fucking in the backseat, a pregnant man aka ME having to ride with them despite my and satscout's protests, three men dressed up as Sailor Moon characters, two mad scientists, one of whom is pregnant, two other guys, one who wore the pants in the relationship and then ended up impregnating himself somehow....not to mention everything else.

And then, as if this wasn't bad enough, I look out the window and I see fucking Harry Potter riding on his broomstick doing 75 miles per hour right next to us. I didn't even know that was legal.

So he passes satscout and then cuts her off, and satscout goes into this majorly epic skid on the freeway and comes to a stop sideways. Thankfully, there wasn't anybody else on the freeway. Makes me wonder if Nova had anything to do with this. You know, the whole moving the cars to another dimension thing so that we wouldn't get hit, because I'm pretty sure even Nova wouldn't have been able to survive a barrage of cars like that. Well, then again, I guess you never know. Nova's survived some pretty destructive things before.

So then Aizen jumps out of the car in all his frilly glory along with Gin and Tousen, and all three of them start reprimanding Harry Potter aka Daniel Radcliffe for cutting them off. As if they know the rules of driving etiquette. Seriously. These are the MEN in DRESSES. Come on, people!

And then Daniel Radcliffe gets all pissy and stuff and uses that fancy Wingardium Leviosa thing to pick them all up and drop them over the edge of the cliff that just happened to conveniently pop up right next to the freeway.

Aizen goes bye bye!

Oh crap. I'm speaking in baby talk. This is NOT good. NOT GOOD at all.

And then a few of Daniel's friends manage to turn the car around, and since satscout is a firm believer that homosexual porn films are a disgrace to the human race, she ran over Daniel with the ancient 60s minivan.

And then Harry went bye bye, too.

Thank God. Now we won't have that ugly ass actor playing him anymore. Let's find another one. Daniel Radcliffe gets progressively uglier as the years go by.

Of course, satscout is also the woman who is firmly paying no attention to the heinous activities going on in the backseat. If it had been me driving, I'd have pressed the red eject button a long time ago. If there was such a button. Which I don't think there is.

But if there was, they would have been GONE so long ago they would have been left back in Charleston so that the doctors there could observe more homosexual pregnancies. ...

God. The car is starting to smell like sweat, sex, and fucking shit from god knows where.

Excuse me. I need to punch out a window.

**_June 6  
Punching out a window  
Saturday  
Hitsugaya_**

**Challenges sent in by The Infamous Salem-Chan and Linkin Park 4 ever.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL EJECT YOU OUT OF THE BACK SEAT OF OUR ANCIENT SIXTIES MINIVAN!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	87. Wacky Hair Styles

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Mitsune-kun! Please respond! I beg you!**

**Right, so, people, when you are sending challenges, know that you CANNOT send in any challenges regarding Hitsugaya's baby's birth. He is giving birth in Colorado, that is FINAL! Then he is heading to Pakistan.**

**Daily Advice: Do not punch out windows. You could get cut.**

* * *

So, we finally got here, without the minivan spontaneously combusting or any of our pregnant people going into premature labor. Just to clarify, in case you are confused, the pregnant ones in this story right now are: Me with Stark's kid, Szayel with Mayuri's kid, Nemu with Lisa's kid, and Ichigo with Ishida's kid.

So once we got to GIM's house, the Four Elopers (see, they're so important now that they have their own freaking capitalized title!) jumped out of the back of the car in their birthday suits and ran screaming toward the house. I think Shuuhei was crying with joy about finally getting a bed, because the springs in the car seat were poking him or something. I mean, when you've been having that kind of sex for that amount of time, of course the springs would be popping up and hurting you! I'm sure Kensei didn't mind though. He was on top.

I think I'm taking this all rather calmly. I think it must be the fresh air here. Well, okay. Fine. It's still polluted air and whatever, but it doesn't smell like sex! Thank God!

We'll be needing to air out this minivan.

Or get a new one.

Or steal one from GIM and her family. Or steal one from Garrett himself.

Now, I know all of you are wondering how all of us managed to fit in the car. Well, see, that's a great question.

The truth is, I don't actually know.

What I do know is that Ikkaku was strapped to the top of the car so that he could get a view of his beloved sky, and we'd tied Hitori and Shinji behind the car with rope, and they were on rollerblades coasting behind the minivan at seventy-five miles an hour. While we passed other cars on the highway, I'm sure they were punching out the windows and trying to sell weight loss products/hit on people respectively.

Although I don't see how you can make a transaction or get someone's phone number when you're going that fast. I mean, what would you do? Throw the products in their window and dive in and grab their cash and hop out? Or would you steal the person's phone, punch in your number and throw it back in their face? Seriously. I mean, what would you do?

Ohh...no. I know. Shinji wouldn't be hitting on the driver, he'd be hitting on the little children in the backseat! Yeah, that's totally what he would be doing.

On a random note, have you ever noticed that Hitori looks a lot like me?

Anyway.

Baton Rouge isn't a bad place. Of course, something bad just has to happen to ruin the damn place. And, of course, something bad does happen.

So the entire Soul Society decided it would be a nice time to go down to Louisiana for some chicken and waffles. I mean, come on, people! It's the middle of the freaking work day! Don't you guys have mounds and mounds of paperwork to be sifting through?!

Apparently not.

Apparently Soul Society is now defenseless and has no occupants, leaving it open to the public.

This is fing great.

Oh, oh, and the best part? They're not actually here to eat chicken and waffles! They're here to throw me a way premature baby shower!

Times like this, I want to get an abortion. But apparently no doctors have safely done an abortion on a male patient and so do not want to test it on me.

And they didn't come alone. They came with PRESENTS. Oh God.

Akon and that weird fish dude got me this test tube of stuff that I don't even want to know what it is. I think it's instructions on how to make your own baby. No thanks. I don't need it. Here. Let me surreptitiously feed it to Szayel's Birthing Flower while nobody's looking. Side effects: Don't know, don't care.

Amagai and Kira got me hair products. Oh yes. Because I'll definitely be needing those. I think Kira's secretly hoping that I politely decline their gift so that he can use the products on himself. You know, those wacky hair styles these days. Require a lot of gel.

Soi Fong and Omaeda got me a bag of crackers. Yay. Just what I've always wanted.

Yamamoto and his lieutenant gave me a packet of tea. Which I am also going to give to the Birthing Flower for nutrition. Bleh.

Unohana and Hanatarou gave me a Band-Aid. A single Band-Aid. Because I can definitely deliver the baby with the aid of one Band-Aid.

Hinamori gave me a stuffed cow doll. ...What is she implying here?

Kyouraku and Nanao gave me sake and a huge book on childbirth, respectively. Right. Because I'll be drunk while I'm in labor. Uh huh.

Komamura and Iba gave me a lint roller. Now, what does this have to do with anything?

Sentarou, Isane, and Kiyone all gave me onesies. Freaking brilliant.

And Ukitake got me this GINORMOUS basket of candy. It was so big that I swear I could swim in it if I wanted to.

Does he want me to get diabetes?

Renji spotted the candy. Renji picked a piece of it up and threw it.

Great. Food fight coming on.

Excuse me. I need to go escape and put the Band-Aid over my wounded soul.

**_June 7  
Putting the Band-Aid over my wounded soul  
Sunday  
Hitsugaya_**

**Challenge sent in by Insane Tatsu.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL START A FOOD FIGHT AT YOUR HOUSE!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	88. Aiber's Graffiti

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Aruguealot! You are no longer allowed to send in challenges!**

**Hey, you guys, go check out bleachomania's profile and read his story and review! :)**

**Daily Advice: Pop Rocks and Coke are, in general, not a good idea.**

* * *

GIM may be even more stupid than satscout. That might be an accomplishment.

She provided the Four Elopers with a BED. Now, just out of curiosity, are you intending to receive those sheets back in mint condition, GIM?

Now, moving on.

Hopefully the Four Elopers stay here in Louisiana because there's this ginormous bed for them to elope in. But of course, why do I have the bad feeling that Byakuya is somehow going to develop advanced mechanic skills overnight and somehow devise a system of pulleys and wheels and levers in order to cart the bed behind the van along the freeway?

I shouldn't have said that. Now it'll probably come true.

* * *

Anyway, after the members of Soul Society threw me their premature baby shower, apparently one of them told the entire crew of Death Note that I was pregnant. And so, of course, Death Note characters came streaming over from out of the sky, riding Shinigami, laden with gifts for my new baby. ...

Let me tell you, the Shinigami in Death Note are ugly as hell. I mean, when Skyskater was watching it, she couldn't even tell if Rem was a girl or a boy! That's how ugly they were.

I feel insulted. Maybe Death Note's author was trying to make an inter-anime relationship between Rem, Ryuk, and Renji? The Three R's. It would definitely work out, because last time I checked, Renji was far from being a model of any sort.

Or maybe the author of Death Note wanted to make Rem and Ryuk related to Aaroniero Arrurerie or whatever his name is. He's ugly enough as well.

But Renji is the only one with facial markings. And Shuuhei's part of the Four Elopers.

I don't know. Forget it.

* * *

L gave me even more candy. I don't need any more candy, thanks! Perhaps if I surreptitiously push this plate of candy toward him, he shall take it and eat it. Perhaps I can get rid of all the candy this way. L is like a garbage disposal. Except you can't throw vegetables in there otherwise he'll go all bitchass on you and punch you in the face.

Light gave me a pencil. How caring. Because I'm totally gonna be writing when I'm in labor! You know, because I'd love to be killing people right and left with heart attacks while I'm giving birth to a child that I do not want. Funny thing, though. He never gave me a notebook to go with the pencil. Maybe it's a deeper suggestion and he's actually saying that I should stab myself to death with the point of the pencil? Good one. I like the way he thinks.

Rem and Ryuk gave me a basket of apples. Must have been hard for Ryuk to part with these things. I think Rem seduced him into giving up apples. Shit. What is it about sex and people/things in this story?

Aiber gave me an alphabet book. With his name graffitied all over the first page.

BB gave me a jam jar. With nothing inside. I think he ate all the jam before he gave me the jar. What a caring gesture. Also, what's up with these people and letters? Would it really kill ya to go by an alias that's more than one character?!

And then there's this kid Near. He got me a pair of dice. ...Huh?

I swear.

People from other animes are copying me. This. Is. Not. Fair.

If I wasn't pregnant, I would beat the living shit out of him.

I'M the child prodigy here! I'M the child prodigy with white hair! Not you! Not Near! Not Inuyasha or Sesshoumaru (even though they're not exactly the brightest crayons in the box)! Not Kakashi (though he's not young)! ME ME ME ME ME!!!

How dare these people invade on my story?

I dislike them with an intense passion.

And I also want a hamburger. With an intense passion.

I want MEAT!

Someone get the pregnant man some meat here!

God damn it.

So here I am with a basket of apples, a pencil, an alphabet book, and an empty jam jar. And L is eating all my candy. Not like I'd want to eat it anyway, but still.

Shit.

Just out of curiosity, how come everybody else around me is getting laid in a nice, normal way that actually does not involve knocking the one taking it up the ass out? ...I really want somebody to answer this question.

Don't I deserve a little bit of gentleness in my life, too?

Of course I do.

Now, I need to go find some meat before I spontaneously combust.

Good bye.

**_June 12  
Looking for meat  
Tuesday  
Hitsugaya_**

**Challenge sent in by MRegent.2/collab with MRegent.2**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	89. Very Large Eagles, Rather Small Pigs

**Skyskater's Daily Note: This crossover/collab thing will be 5 chapters at maximum. Of course, I may end up contradicting myself.**

**If you enjoy Death Note, go and check out MRegent.2's Near's Guide to High School. He is collabing with me.**

**Daily Advice: HGTHS is now probably going to expand to a whole freaking series based on my life experiences. So HGTHS could potentially also become these after I graduate: HGT College, HGT Love, HGT Having a Family. What do you guys think? Yay or Nay? **

**Oh, by the way, Full Metal Bec, PLEASE specify your challenge. Rewrite the whole thing. Otherwise it shall not be done because I have no recollection of you asking me to put FMA in this story.**

* * *

Okay. It appears that not only has this kid 'Near' stolen my story idea, he has also stolen my looks. I mean, what the fuck. I should totally sue him! I need a lawyer. Damn it. Or maybe I should charge him for stealing my good looks. Charge him with...felony. Petty theft. Except my looks aren't petty. So it would just be theft.

Also, Near is rather stupid. Even though he says he's smart, he's actually really stupid. He puts his REAL name on his entries! So, technically, this other Light person could totally kill him if he would just have the presence of mind to put pen to paper and scribble down 'Nate Rivers!' I mean, isn't that what his entire goal was? Okay. Screw that. Maybe his entire goal was to get Aizen and him in a crossdressing concert. Seriously. Those dresses are WAAAAAAAYYYYYYY too defining.

Okay. I am bloating up like a freaking beached whale. Oh God. What if I turn out like Orihime and have deciplets? This would totally ruin my self image! And if that happened, then I couldn't sue Near for stealing my looks because he'd probably look better than me! Oh...what is the world coming to? I need a shoulder to cry on. And some tissues. And some dark Godiva chocolate.

Anyway, during the whole crossdressing concert between Aizen and Light (for some reason, Light reincarnated him or whatever) Aizen opened a garganta to another universe. I don't even know why at this point. But anyway, he did that, and for some reason, it didn't close.

And guess who started walking out?

Yeah. That's right. The freaking cast of Kingdom Hearts.

Oh. My. God.

GIM's shouting in the background, "Oh! Sweet! Hot men in tight pants! WOOT WOOT! PARTY AT MY PLACE, YO!"

Good God. Where are the police when you need them?

And I just want to clear some confusion up here: Not all the guys in Kingdom Hearts wear tight pants. Some of them wear really bubbly pants for some reason. And those kind of pants make your thighs or calves look HUGE. Case in point: see Sora or Riku.

Anyway, apparently my pregnancy is becoming famous throughout the world(s). I mean, it's not like this is the first male pregnancy either! Ulquiorra's was the first. I think. And did anybody come to congratulate him? No. Why not? I think it's because he's emo. No one likes emo people.

Okay. Anyway.

Sora, Riku, and Kairi brought me a basket of this star-shaped fruit. Which I promptly tossed to L, who devoured it within a matter of nanoseconds. He's kind of like a dog, you could say. I think he's gonna get diabetes soon. Maybe one of these days I should jack his tea with rancid milk and vitamins. See what happens to him then.

Roxas and Axel brought me a pack of cigarettes. ...I thought pregnant people weren't allowed to smoke? Well, then again, pigs also are not allowed to fly, but flying pigs were apparently created in the Kingdom Hearts universe when Vexen decided to mate a very large eagle with a rather small pig.

Marluxia brought me flowers. How sweet. I'm almost tempted to cut myself with the thorns.

Zexion brought me a blank notebook. -Gasp- What if this is the notebook that kills people? Oh my God. I could totally just kill everyone I hate right now! I'm going to write Near's name down in it. "Nate Rivers." Wait for it...Wait for it...any second now, he should be dying of a heart attack. Hold on a few more seconds...NOW!

Shit. It didn't work. Crapola. Thanks for crushing all my dreams, Zexion. That was extremely caring of you.

Xemnas and Saix brought me a heart. It was still pulsing. Ew.

Xigbar brought me a gun. But no bullets...awww....

Xaldin brought me a plate of spaghetti. ...Now I'm craving really, really spicy chicken for some reason. Damn pregnancy hormones. Or maybe it's the smell of the van that's getting to me. It smells like sex, and since the Four Elopers have been insisting on having their meals in there, it also now smells like pancakes and French toast. Pancakes, French toast, and sex? Not a good combination.

Vexen and Lexaeus or however you spell his name brought me a test tube filled with this glowing green stuff in it.

Demyx gave me some totally whacked out dancing water, and Luxord gave me money. Now I can hire a lawyer with all of my...three dollars and twenty two cents. I think Larxene put in the two cents.

Cloud and Leon gave me a pair of pants and this ungodly number of belts. I mean, why would you even WEAR five belts at the same time? Much less on your arm. And hardy har har. The pants are too small to fit my ever growing ass.

Thanks, guys. That was so caring of you.

Maybe they're trying to see if I'll reject their gift because I can't wear it and give it back to them.

There's an idea.

God. Why does everybody insist on giving me these really pointless things? I mean, honestly now. This just doesn't seem fair at all.

I hate my life. Fuck my life. FML.

Excuse me. I need to go persuade Nova to open a garganta thingy and send these imbeciles back to their proper places.

**_June 14  
Going to beg Nova to open a garganta so I can kick all the KH characters out  
Sunday  
Hitsugaya_**

**Challenges sent in by Assault Godzilla and Aruguealot.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL JACK YOUR TEA WITH RANCID MILK AND VITAMINS!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	90. Waikaikai!

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Did you know there was one chapter in HGTHS where I wrote about almost nothing BUT condoms?**

**Uh, wow. XD By the way you guys, check out my new poll and vote in it! And yes, Hitsugaya is definitely writing HGTHS: Sophomore Year.**

**Daily Advice: Vote in my poll. XD**

* * *

So I woke up this morning from a rather dreamless sleep, and what do I see first thing? Yeah. That's right. Near's lying down right next to me and giving me this creepy ass grin. I mean, holy fuck. It's hideous and intimidating at the same time. Not to mention those dolls he plays with, they look like Chuckie. Not the mouse. I mean, the crazed psychopath doll on steroids wielding a bloody kitchen knife.

Nova cleared out the Kingdom Hearts cast quite effectively, but he couldn't move the Death Note cast because apparently he was rather enamored with finding Matt, a natural redhead, in a bright blue cocktail dress that apparently "complimented his figure quite nicely." Ew. Nova has moved to the dark side. We need to annihilate him as quickly as possible.

So basically, we're stuck with the Death Note cast for a good while now, until we can somehow convince Nova to stop being so enamored with Matt in a bright blue cocktail dress. I don't think Matt and Nova ever have a chance of being together anyway. Matt seems quite obsessed with Mello.

And it's not like we can use the Death Note to kill everybody, because first of all, Light isn't giving it up. L is guarding Light who is guarding the notebook, and L packs this mean punch. I mean, I never knew a guy with a little bit more than mild scoliosis could hit that hard. Then again, I also didn't know it was possible for one to eat the equivalent of ten cakes in a day without getting diabetes. Or major cavities.

And then - Oh. My. God. I cannot fucking believe this. Matt just threw a smoke grenade at GIM's house, and it blew up for some odd reason. I mean, this is just fucking great. So now we're here, in the middle of freaking Louisiana, with a van that stinks to high heaven, the Death Note cast, and no place to stay. This is fucking great. Unbelievable. I wish Mello would loan me one of his guns so I could shoot myself in the head. But no. He says that they're "big boy toys." Excuse me?! I'm older than he is! I'm so old, I'm already DEAD!

Anyway.

So now satscout is piling us all back in the van, and for some reason it's magically expanding so that it can now accommodate the Death Note cast as well.

Bleh.

This sucks.

And Mikami is over there freaking worshipping Light and licking his shoes. People like that, they make me sick. I mean, you don't know where those shoes have BEEN!

So apparently now to appease the screaming Ichigo in the middle seat, we're headed off to South Dakota, which is freaking halfway across the country to go and see Mount Rushmore. I don't understand why Ichigo would want to go see Mount Rushmore. I mean, really now. It's nothing but a bunch of dead presidents' faces carved into this freaking GINORMOUS rock! And why would Ichigo care about dead presidents'? I bet he doesn't even know who the prime minister of Japan is, and he freaking lives there!

Actually, come to think of it, I don't know who the PM of Japan is, but that doesn't matter. I don't live in Japan. Technically, I live above the clouds somewhere.

So it wouldn't matter anyway if I didn't know.

* * *

We're driving along the highway, right, and then out of NOWHERE these ninja dolphin zombies just appear and surround the car. Matt's all like, "Oh yeah. I got this, I got this." and then Mello's all, "You idiot! Sit your ass down in the seat right now! You couldn't get out of this kind of situation even if you had nukes!"

And...that's kind of true. Because...well, he died a stupid demise and then was somehow reincarnated.

Anyway.

So these ninja dolphin zombies surround the car, and apparently our minivan was so startled by the random appearance of this ninja dolphin zombies that this red beeping thing descended out of the ceiling, reading "Self-Destruct in Ten. Nine. Eight."

You get the point.

So I dove out of the car, everybody running out behind me, and eight seconds later we saw the minivan spontaneously combust.

So now, basically, we're stuck on the shoulder of this highway with no place to stay, no van, the Death Note cast, and.........eight guys having sex. At once. Kensei, Shuuhei, Rose, and Love, decided to join their ranks with the Four Elopers from Death Note: Light, L, Matt, and Mello. So...Eight Elopers. Double E. This is just fantastic.

* * *

We attempted to hitch hike, but there were no cars or trucks big enough to fit us in, and besides, it wasn't like anybody was going to pick us up and drive us to South Dakota, primarily because of the Eight Elopers doing their thing on the ground.

Well, Ichigo's pregnancy could've been disturbing to them too.

And Ulquiorra's whole Batman thing.

And Matt in the bright blue cocktail dress had absolutely NOTHING to do with our not getting picked up. Oh no.

I mean, you go and see guys in bright blue cocktail dresses fucking on the shoulder of the highway every day! It's perfectly normal.

My words are just dripping with sarcasm.

* * *

I have had it up to HERE.

* * *

This is Matt reporting. Or Mail Jeevas, if you want to get technical. Just don't tell L or Light that that's my real name, because I don't want to get killed again.

They could've just shot me once, but NOOOO, they have to shoot me like fifteen freaking times.

Anyway, Mello's bugging me to get back to writing about what's going on, so here goes.

Toushirou just ran out into the middle of the highway and he's waving his arms and screaming like a maniac. "Waikaikai!" That's what it sounds like he's screaming.

I think he's completely lost it.

But, I mean, waking up to Near and that demonic grin of his would make you mentally unstable too.

Anyway.

Oh. My. God. He's going to get hit by a van.

Wait. No. The van's stopped, and this guy's run out and is flinging himself to his knees in front of Toushirou. I don't know who it is, but I think Mikami's got some serious competition in the 'Best Worshipper' category.

Anyway, Toushirou is now making these frantic motions to us to get in the car. Okay. Fine by me. Now I can get back to what I was doing with Mello! Yussssssss....

* * *

Okay. I just hijacked Kubo Tite's car. Now it is ours. And thankfully, this car does not smell like sex. Unfortunately, it probably will smell like sex in the very near future, if the Eight Elopers continue what they are doing with vigor.

I can't believe the audacity of Matt. To write his sexual encounters with Mello in MY notebook! How dare he?!

I can't erase it or white it out either, because Matt wrote in Sharpie. :(

Excuse me. I'm going to go and punch Near in the face for waking me up like that.

**_June 15  
Going to punch Near in the face  
Monday  
_****_Hitsugaya_**

**Challenges sent in by .dancing and fanofanime.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL SHOOT YOU LIKE FIFTEEN FREAKING TIMES!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	91. Mattello and Nutella

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Go and vote in my poll if you haven't already! Oh, by the way, last chapter: "Waikaikai" also filled Aruguealot's challenge too.**

**Also, if you have any ideas for the HGT series, they would be much appreciated. So speak up!**

**Daily Advice: Donate clothes to the Salvation Army if you can't/don't wear them anymore.**

* * *

Well, we arrived in South Dakota good and fine. Except now the car smells like sex and the leather seats are...more than a little stained.

It's a miracle none of them have gotten pregnant yet.

By some impossible happening, Tousen and Gin have also been reincarnated. Maybe to aid Aizen in the crossdressing concert? Anyway.

So we arrived in South Dakota, and...actually, I'm writing this while Ichigo is in labor.

Actually, Ichigo's labor may be one of the most "normal" labors. He's only delivering...ehhhh....four months early. (He got pregnant in January, you see.) I mean, considering how Orihime gave birth in, like, two days of getting pregnant and giving birth to TEN kids, and how Ulquiorra gave birth like two months late, his is probably one of the most normal births we shall have in this story. And just to clear up some major confusion that we have been having, yes. Nemu is pregnant with Lisa's child, and I am, unfortunately, pregnant with Stark's child. And Szayel is pregnant with Mayuri's kid.

Right.

Anyway, we got to Mount Rushmore, and upon seeing the stony face of Abraham Lincoln, Ichigo promptly went into labor, and Ishida...stood on the side and smiled very self-righteously, as he is prone to do.

Well, if anything, we got prime row viewing of the famous mountain.

All the other tourists cleared out upon learning that a pregnant man was going into labor at the site. Wise choice of them.

Anyway, I'm kind of stuck here because satscout has now officially taken over the job of obstetrician/gynecologist or whatever you call those people that deliver babies, because Shuuhei and Kensei are a...bit occupied right now doing other, nasty, things.

I hate how the worst things always happen to me.

* * *

Well, it's official. My life is finally fucked up.

Ichigo just delivered his baby, and yes. It is actually normal for once.

However, due to the enormous spiritual pressure that was released after the baby passed out of the birth canal, Mount Rushmore blew up. Accidentally. I think Ichigo blew it up on purpose because he didn't like the fact that the presidents were being perverts and staring at his innocent body while he was in labor. ...RIGHT...

But after seeing Night at the Museum, Ichigo's been deathly afraid of Abraham Lincoln for some odd reason which I cannot fathom. Maybe he was just using his premature labor as an excuse to blow up, oh, ONE OF AMERICA'S MOST FAMOUS MONUMENTS!

Actually, hold on. I'm gonna be right back, I promise. I need to haul myself in the car and get a good spot by an open window and an air vent and preferably a cup holder. We're now "on the run" again. From the KKK. For destroying a national monument and an important symbol of American culture. This is all Ichigo's fault. I blame him. Perhaps I should go and stab him in the head seven times. Yes. That sounds excellent.

Have I mentioned that my life is now officially fucked up?

* * *

Heyyyy, wassup my home dawgs! It's Matt again. Toushirou threw this notebook at me (AGAIN) because he's currently climbing over people and seat backs and head rests to get to Ichigo and his newborn baby in the front seat. Appropriately, the proud parents named their baby Boy. Because, well, their baby is a boy.

Wow. This is like that one Sims 2 game where I made these two guys gay, and then made one of them have a boy child by another girl, and then there was, like, this slapfest because the other gay guy thought that the gay father didn't love him anymore and that was why he cheated on him with some random girl, and blah blah blah, but it was pretty funny.

Of course, if that had been me and Mello, I would never have slapped Mello.

No, never.

Mello is soooooo beautiful.....I would never hurt him. Even though he did get me killed. But old wounds are old wounds, you know?

What was I talking about?

Oh yeah. Anyway, Toushirou is currently stepping over people and the seats and head rests to get to Ichigo and his baby in the front seat. Have I mentioned that we're only going 102 miles an hour so that we can escape the KKK in their luxury limousine behind us? I don't think this is safe for Toushirou. Especially as how he's pregnant as well.

Wow. This is kind of like Grand Theft Auto. Except wickedly cooler.

Ahhh...the joys of parenting. I've always wanted a child. But Mello says he doesn't want a little brat running around the mafia headquarters and stealing all his chocolate.

If I had a child with Mello, I would name it Mattello, and we would be best friends and I would teach him how to own ass on Halo 3.....

Hah. Mattello kind of sounds like Nutella. I like Nutella.

And damn it, Mello got really mad at me for clearing out his chocolate, so he gave Near my PSP, and Near, that little cretin, won't give it back. (**A/N: This is referencing my story Mello's Revenge.**)

I love my Mello! I would never do anything to intentionally harm him! I just thought that perhaps for ONCE, we could have a nice peaceful dinner that wasn't a TV dinner and that wasn't chocolate soup, stew, or chocolate sandwiches. Was that too much to ask?

Uh-oh. Toushirou has randomly produced a bajillion or so sporks out of nowhere. Like, masses of sporks. I didn't know that he controlled sporks too. I thought he only controlled ice. Like, he made enough sporks to drown the Pacific Ocean. How do you drown water, anyway? I don't know. But maybe in Aruguealot's twisted mind, water can be drowned. Or something.

Anyway, Toushirou has grabbed this HUH-UUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGEEEEE spork from the air and has proceeded to stab Ichigo in the head with it. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven times. That's a pretty sweet combo. And that must be a very strong spork. You know, to have infiltrated the skull and whatnot.

Oh. My. God. The KKK is gaining on us. I don't have any more smoke grenades, and Mels won't give me something to throw at them. D:

Oh wait. No. I have a fabulous idea. We can exchange this here guy, Tousen, for our lives!

I just threw Tousen out the trunk.

Teehee.

Oh no. I made Aizen cry. My crossdressing brother! What have I done to deserve this?!

Oh yeah. I threw Tousen out the trunk. And I guess Aizen wants Tousen back. Ummmmmmmmm...notmyproblemcan'thelpyou!

I'm kind of getting carsick from writing and bumping around at the same time. And Mello is currently doing very dirty things to me under my dress, so I kind of have to go now.

Peace out, mah homeskillets.

**_June 16  
Having se - I mean, birds and bees - with Mello  
Tuesday  
Matt_**

**Originally, this wasn't gonna be mostly Matt's POV, but I kind of got caught up in the moment. Challenges sent in by flying. dreaming. dancing and Aruguealot and Linkin Park 4 ever.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL MAKE YOU HAVE A SLAPFEST WITH YOUR GAY LOVER THAT ACTUALLY DOES EXIST IN SOME RANDOM PART OF YOUR MIND!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	92. Long Lost Relatives

**Skyskater's Daily Note: If you are not aware of this, the topic Love/Dating that would originally have been for HGT has now been converted into Death Note form.**

**Check out: "Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage."**

**Daily Advice: Don't take forever in the dressing room stall. We BEG of you!**

* * *

After we escaped the wrath of the KKK somewhere in Nebraska (they were still chasing us even after Matt threw Tousen out the trunk!), we decided to head to Utah for some ungodly reason. I guess it was because satscout wanted to see the Great Salt Lake or something like that. I mean, I don't get what, exactly, is so fascinating about a salt lake in the middle of a piece of land. Really, now. You mere mortals are amazingly fascinated by the oddest things.

And I absolutely cannot believe this.

I threw this notebook behind me when I was climbing over seat backs and head rests to get to Ichigo yesterday. Contrary to popular belief, I did NOT throw it at Matt, nor entrust it to Matt in any way, shape, or form. And then what does he do with it?

He proceeds to write his strong emotions and praises of Mello, he complains about how Near won't give him back his PSP, he talks about making a love child named Mattello with Mello, not to mention that he proceeds to document his sexual encounters with Mello at the end of the chapter.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

Okay. This is it. I have had it up to here. When we stop at Salt Lake City, I am going to kick the cast out.

And I mean OUT.

* * *

We're here in Utah, and...I haven't kicked them out yet simply because I haven't groveled enough to Nova to get him to move them out of this dimension completely.

Stupid filler character.

If I'd had MY way, you never would have existed and none of this would have happened.

But no. I never get my way.

So here we are, staring at this expanse of salty water and not doing much, when I see Orihime and Matsumoto jump out of the water. They had TAILS. OMFG. So basically, this is telling me that they want to stay here and be mermaids. Yes.

Hey, that's not actually such a bad idea. I, Hitsugaya Toushirou, firmly support that idea.

And have I mentioned that I'm afraid that I'm going to take the same delivery route as Orihime?

I'm HUGE.

Shit. This. Is. Not. Good. At. All.

Short sentences are very effective at getting your point across.

* * *

I would rather get destroyed by a giant Terminator from the future than have to deliver this baby.

Not to mention that -

Oh.

Well. Look at this.

Apparently Nova's not only dimension-moving, too, but apparently he's telepathic. He can read your mind. Or whatever you call it.

There's a giant Terminator emerging from the salty waters of the Great Salt Lake, and people are screaming and running everywhere, and then this robot points its finger at me like Ulquiorra would do to shoot a Cero, and says, "I have come to destroy you."

Now, mark my words, I would gladly have stood still and posed a target for this robot, if these HUGE tentacles hadn't just appeared out of nowhere from the water and wrapped around the Terminator. Not to mention that this was the time that Stark decided to get up off his lazy ass and actually make an appearance in the story.

He pushed me behind him, and he was all, "Stay back. I don't want you or the kid to get harmed." Aha! So he admits it! When I am done here, I am going to mutilate him. Very badly. In unspeakable places.

And the giant tentacles, which apparently belonged to the Kraken, dragged the Terminator back underwater, and I guess the robot short-circuited or something, which makes absolutely no sense because it came out of the water.....

Ok. Whatever. Bad news: I've been saved from my untimely demise.

* * *

There was this girl standing a few meters to the left of us, and when she saw Ishida, she was all, "OMG! BIG BROTHER! BIG BROTHER! OVER HERE! OVER HERE! IT'S ME!"

Apparently it was Ishida's long-lost sister. And I will say this: she was actually probably the hottest girl that has ever appeared in entire story. Anyway.

After the whole hugging and "oh my God, how have you been?" "is that a new knit wrap?" conversation, she proceeded to smack him in the face with his own magazine, and then screamed at him, "And that's what you get for not staying with me, you asshole!"

And then, for some reason, she turned around to Ichigo and started kicking him in the stomach. It was a good thing that someone else was holding Boy at the time, I suppose.

And then Orihime and Matsumoto jumped out of the water again (kind of like how dolphins do), and Stark saw Orihime. And it was love at first sight.

He stripped off his Espada cloak thing and anything underneath it (GOD. NEVER HOPE TO SEE THAT AGAIN. HOW DOES LILINETTE DEAL WITH IT?!) and dove into the water, and...let's just say that there were these pretty big tidal waves crashing into the shore. And not from the Kraken devouring the Terminator. From...well, it was pretty evident once the water got cloudy, like someone had spilled milk into it. Or...another bodily fluid that also happens to be white.

Stark emerged, naked, dripping, and looking very pleased with himself. And then he took it upon himself to inform me: "The girl, the one with the big boobs and the orange hair and those hair clips, is pregnant once again."

........Maybe I need to get Matt to throw me out of the trunk like he did with Tousen.

That might be a satisfying ending.

**_June 17  
Scheming against Matt  
Wednesday  
Hitsugaya_**

**Challenges sent in by The Infamous Salem-Chan, flying. dreaming. dancing, and Assault Godzilla.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL SAVE YOU FROM YOUR UNTIMELY DEMISE WHICH YOU ACTUALLY WILL WANT WHEN WE'RE DONE WITH YOU!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan  
**


	93. SWOOSH! FSSSH! WACHAW!

**Skyskater's Daily Note: The challenges regarding the Death Note cast have been cut off, as I am kicking them out quite shortly. I am also cutting off challenges for bringing in the casts of other shows/mangas/books/WHATEVER, as it is kind of a hassle for me to bring them in and kick them out.**

**Please read and review hitsugaya taicho's story "Cheese." HEY, DO YOU GUYS KNOW YOU CAN SEND ME CHALLENGES FOR STORIES BESIDES HGTHS? OR EVEN A CHALLENGE TO WRITE A NEW STORY? Just wanted to get that point across.**

**Daily Advice: Please note that while I can promote your stories like this, it may not always work.**

* * *

After Utah (the governor kicked us out for disrupting the peace), we decided to head out to Nevada for some odd reason. I mean, the few of us that are old enough to gamble are either

A. Wearing dresses, and so would be kicked out of the casino for destroying the peace completely

B. Helping Ichigo with his new baby aka satscout

C. Well, this actually ties in with A, but, the few of us that are old enough to actually gamble legally are also eloping

D. They're helping their partners with their pregnancies - aka Nemu and Lisa and Mayuri and Szayel, and

E. They're being fucking retarded. Like "Batman" over there. And Mikami screaming at random blonde girls out the window of the van, "I'm going to kill and eat your babies!"

...

* * *

In Nevada, GIM promptly pulled out this huge money clip and booked suites for all of us. Now, this would have been a very kind and considerate act of her if she HADN'T booked my suite next to the Double E's suite. Apparently, their suite was supposed to be a private one, except I could hear through the walls. Not very private, now, was it? Not to mention that she dragged L out of the Double E cult and booked a private suite for her and him. And he agreed, because it sounded like the word "sweet." And I guess he thought that Watari would magically appear bearing trays of cakes and eclairs and cookies. Or something like that.

But whatever GIM is planning to do with L, I would just like to inform everybody that L is GAY and will not have sex with women.

Unless said woman looks like a man. But...that would be really weird.

And Kubo Tite can't draw women with small/no breasts, so therefore, the distinction between women and men in this anime/manga is VERY big.

* * *

Lately, I've been having all these cravings for food that I don't normally eat. The other night, it was nachos with chocolate sauce, and Matt took one look at it and threw up out the window.

God. You'd think that someone who smokes all day long would be sickened by the thought that they're breathing in THOUSANDS of deadly chemicals, most of which caused cancer in rats; you'd think that they wouldn't get so disgusted by a person eating nachos with chocolate sauce. I mean, seriously.

L looked at it and then informed me that I was making a very creative stride to marry the two tastes of sweet and salty. Ummm...okay...since when did the best detective in the world develop culinary skills? I mean, the guy gorges on sugar and processed foods all day long. And the occasional small strawberry or two. Even on his deathchair he was eating! No wonder he got a heart attack. You know, the whole congestive heart failure thing. Those processed foods create a lot of cholesterol, clogs your arteries, and then BAM! You're dead! He's lucky he suffered a heart attack and died quickly. He's lucky that he didn't suffer from a stroke; if he did, he'd be forced to go around his whole life with half of his face drooping to the side.

Light took one look at the nacho concoction and went back to writing names in the Death Note. Have you noticed that when he writes them, it's really intense and he's like SWOOSH! FSSSH! WACHAW! and everything? I mean, it's so dramatic! I'm surprised L didn't catch on earlier, what with the drama it takes to kill people via notebook. And then after he's done writing page after page after page of names, he slumps back in his chair and gasps for breath, and dear God, it kind of looks like he's just finished a particularly brutal round of sex. I'm not even joking. Maybe this is his way of getting off or something.

And Near, that little cretin. I mean, good God. I loathe him with a great intensity. He's even surpassed Renji at this point.

He's all, "Oh, Toushirou, did you know that the combination of chocolate sauce and nachos would create an acidic reaction in your lower intestines and this would cause you to be put at a greater risk of colon cancer, which is a prevailing cause of death in humans around the globe? If this happened, you would have to undergo a series of procedures, the least painful of which would be having your doctor stick a camera up your rectumus mutanus, and then you might have to get part or all of your colon removed if they detected a metatastic cancer."

...Excuse me?

First off, it is HITSUGAYA-TAICHOU to you! Second off, I'm dead! I don't fucking care! That's why Kyouraku can drink so much and not cancer! And thirdly, if you hope to act smart by using all these ten syllable words, then it will not work!

Why do people disrespect me?

Seriously, now.

I don't even get respect from Shinigami, either! From this universe or Death Note's universe! Not to mention that Ryuk is ugly as hell and Rem could totally be a guy.

I've got a plan. I'm gonna make Nova throw these people out of here!

Since he seems to be so enamored with Matt, I'm going to go and get Matt drunk and then superglue some fake boobs on him and get him some red extensions.

And then I'll prove to Nova that Matt is actually a girl in disguise.

And then Nova'll be forced to throw them back into the Death Note universe because his heart will be broken!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Now...where would I go about getting fake breasts?

**_June 18  
Wondering where to get fake breasts  
Thursday  
Hitsugaya_**

**Challenge sent in by Garrett-is-Mine.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL SUPERGLUE SOME FAKE BOOBS ON YOU! AND IF YOU'RE A GIRL, THEN WE'LL SUPERGLUE ANOTHER ALTERNATIVE!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	94. I'm Going to Take a Chip and Eat It!

**Skyskater's Daily Note: I actually do enjoy having the Death Note cast in the story, only problem is that we also need to drag the Naruto cast into this story at some point and this story'll be wrapping up soon.**

**Okay, everybody. The SOPHOMORE GUIDE TO HIGH SCHOOL WILL STAY IN HIGH SCHOOL. No roadtrips, please! Insanity, fine. Just no going out of Japan, thanks much. BTW, HGTHS Sophomore Year will start the day after this one ends.**

**Daily Advice: Watch out for the deadly new virus going around called System Security 2009. I got it, but I beat it. So I'm up and running.**

* * *

Well, like I thought we would, we got kicked out of the casino/hotel. For destroying the little peace there was in the beginning. I mean, when you've got eight guys, four of whom are in DRESSES, eloping quite vigorously with each other on the roulette tables, that kinda...destroys any hope of peace there was in the beginning.

And okay. That thing I said about Light writing in his Death Note in the last chapter? Yeah. Well, he's totally beaten out of 'Most Insane Writer/Mass Murderer' by Mikami, his subordinate. Have you SEEN Mikami writing names in the Death Note? Oh. My. God. It's not even like sex at this point. It's practically rape. I mean, the guy does all these weird spins while he writes in the Death Note, like he's practicing ninja skills! And then what's up with the whole "Eliminate. Eliminate. Eliminate! ELIMINATE!!!" thing? We got it, we got it! Don't need to repeat the word twenty times in a row!

So now we're standing outside our hotel/casino that we just got kicked out of, waiting for our van to get driven out of the parking lot, and speaking of ninjas...this flash of bright orange just caught my eye.

Oh dear God no.

So from the other side of the street, I saw Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, and Kakashi walking out of the Excalibur hotel. I mean, what. the. fuck. And then Naruto caught sight of us and ran towards us, creating this huge traffic collision in the middle of the street.

He and his team stopped in front of us, and then Naruto turned to Renji, smiled, and said, "Thanks, Renji! This place is really the best place to vacation!"

And everybody in our group, and I mean everybody, turned and glared at Renji. Even Near. Even Light, who looked up from his furious writing long enough to glare. Even Matt, who looked up from having furious sex with Mello.

And Renji cowered under our gazes.

Then Mikami took it upon himself to whip out his own Death Note, and since he has the Shinigami eyes, he looked at Naruto, Kakashi, Sasuke, and Sakura and wrote their names down in his notebook. And lo and behold, the Death Note did not work because apparently Near had replaced it with a fake one. So Mikami sank to his knees and started screaming, "God, I have failed you! I have FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAILED YOU!"

And that was when our car appeared.

Satscout got in the driver's seat, and I dove in the car, cramming myself as close to the exit doors as I could. I mean, you don't want to be trapped on the inside of the car when you're sitting next to Matt and Mello having sex, or when you're sitting next to L and Light having sex, or when you're sitting next to freaking everybody having sex. You want a quick escape route.

By the way, just on a super random note, if you ever decide for some messed up reason that you want to watch Death Note in English, there's this one part where Light goes, "And with this hand, I'm going to take a chip and eat it!" and I swear, when he says that, he sounds like he's making this diabolical plot of world domination using nothing but five tampons and an Expo marker. I'm not joking. But it's funny as hell.

Not to mention that crazy laugh he did in episode 37? Uh...okay....he kind of looks like a demon in that episode. But whatever.

And L with Misa's commercial for lipstick thing? The one where he tugs on a banana or whatever? I mean, what the hell? See, this is why the Bleach universe is much better than the Death Note universe. Because over in their universe, even the geniuses are stupid as hell and the normal people are even stupider. I mean, I think Renji would fit in perfectly there!

So satscout pressed the accelerator to the floorboard, and we got the hell out of there, leaving Naruto and his gang waving behind us. I hope we don't run into them any time soon.

* * *

As we got on the highway, Mello demanded that we go to Colorado. I have no idea why he said Colorado, but...well, satscout had to comply because he was holding a gun to her head. While having sex with Matt. ... Am I the only one who finds this somewhat amazing? I mean, how do you have sex and threaten somebody to do your bidding at the same time? Conflicting feelings, you know.

Well, I mean, then again, this is also the mafia leader who wears white cotton heart print boxers, too. (**A/N: This is referencing Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage.**)

Anyhow, we're headed off to Colorado. And I have a bad feeling about this. I have a bad feeling that something drastically wrong and life-altering will happen in Colorado.

And Aizen's throwing up out the window. Oh shit. There's only two things this could mean:

1. Either he's eaten something that went horribly wrong with his stomach, or

2. He's pregnant. What makes me think it's the latter? Oh yeah. It's because he's wearing a DRESS.

Anyway, I really hope it's the former. We do NOT need any more pregnant people in this story! Or maybe I could get Nova to throw Aizen and Gin out along with the Death Note cast?

Speaking of throwing the DN cast out of the story, I have managed to get my hand on some fake boobs (I cut them off a mannequin) and some hair extensions (I stole them from Renji).

Now all I need to do is wait for Matt to fall asleep. He he.

**_June 19  
Waiting for Matt to fall asleep  
Friday  
Hitsugaya_**

**Challenge sent in by Assault Godzilla.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL MAKE YOU COWER UNDER OUR GAZES!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	95. Nice, Tight, Silky Leather Pants

**Skyskater's Daily Note: For sophomore year, what do you think if the Death Note cast and the Bleach cast did a collab with each other? Yay or Nay?**

**Send your vote in with your review. ALSO, NO MORE CHALLENGES REGARDING THE DEATH NOTE CAST! THEY ARE BEING KICKED OUT!**

**Daily Advice: AntiVirus 2009 is also bad.**

* * *

Well, I was right. It turns out that Aizen is pregnant. With Tousen's kid, no less. No wonder he was so angry at Matt for throwing Tousen out of the trunk when we were being chased by the KKK for Ichigo destroying Mount Rushmore. You know, child support. Stuff like that.

Dear God. -.- Mello! Gimme that gun and let me shoot myself!

But of course he won't. And I'm just the slightest bit afraid to go and retrieve his gun myself, as he keeps his weapons in a very...ahem...private place....

My life is fucking brilliant. Damn James Blunt. My life is NOT brilliant!

Anyway. I've already glued the fake boobs to Matt's chest when both he and Mello were passed out from all that sex (gotta stop sometime, you know, rehydrate), and I've already added the extensions. Now all I need to wait for is for Nova to fucking turn around in the seat and see that the love of his life is actually a GIRL.

We've arrived here in Colorado. The Grand Canyon. Whoopee.

* * *

Hey! Guess who it is, mah home dawgs?! Yeah, that's right! Matt is in the house!

For some reason, it appears as though I have magically grown fake plastic breasts overnight. And my hair's grown rather long, too. But my darling Mello doesn't mind. He seems quite enamored with the fact that he would now be fucking a transgender. And as long as Mello's satisfied, I am also satisfied.

But that other guy, the one wearing the fur jacket and the mask and the red hair, seems to be quite upset. Lonely sort of fellow, isn't he?

Anyway, you're all probably wondering what I'm doing writing in this journal again! Well, I could totally fool you by saying that I'm a celebrity and therefore you should want to hear from me, and that would have been true if I'd appeared like a bajillion chapters ago. I mean, I'm one of the most popular Death Note characters, so why is it that I only appeared in the manga in chapter 80 something and had a total of twelve panels and then I got shot to death? Why is that, anyway? I know. People love a martyr who died without justice to their name.

The truth is, Toushirou's in labor. I know. In a million years, even I thought I would never have said that. But I am saying it now. It must be past a million years.

I mean, seriously! What did the guy do to get himself like that? Did he not use protection or something? Yeah, that's right, kids. Have safe sex, or you might just end up getting pregnant. And that's like, not cool, you know? Talk about freaking mid life crisis right there.

And did you know that kids can now get pregnant when they're like ten or something? So if you delivered a kid at eighteen, say, and your kid got pregnant at ten and delivered at ten, you could be a grandmother by the time you were twenty-eight. Now, if that's not something to be worrying about, then I don't know what is.

Well, I mean, what would be worse? Being a grandmother at twenty-eight or seeing your ten year old kid walk around pregnant? Honestly now. How would you even attempt to deal with that kind of thing?

Anyway, Toushirou's in labor. He's been like this for like, ten hours already. And that driver lady, she's helping him. She must have a very strong mind, not to pass out at the sight of a pregnant male delivering. I greatly admire her.

And - oh. My. God. He just delivered his baby. And filled the Grand Canyon with unmeltable snow. How do I know it's unmeltable? A pile of it landed in Mello's hair and it's not melting. Well, I mean, it's not in Mello's hair anymore, we got it out, but it's on the ground and it's not melting. I wonder how we're going to explain this to the citizens of Colorado?

This reality is kind of life a twisted version of The Sims.

Oh, and have I mentioned that Mello, after a night of particularly kinky sex, has finally agreed to have a child with me? I mean, this is so great! Now I can have a kid and name it Mattello and play video games with it and we would totally be best buddies! And I would definitely make sure that Mattello did not steal my adorable Mello's chocolate. I would buy Mattello his own stash of chocolate, but then I'd have to stop Mello from stealing Mattello's chocolate...hmm. Maybe I can get Mattello hooked on caramel instead?

I would also make sure that Mattello did not run around the mafia headquarters and disturb everybody, because if it did that, then it might get shot at and my beautiful Mattello would be no more.

Although there is the problem of how we're going to make this child. I mean, but hey. If Toushirou (a guy) could get pregnant, then I (also a guy) should also be able to get pregnant! This is so cool!

And there's definitely no question of asking Mello to bend over and take it. He's the freaking mafia leader! Even I wouldn't go that far!

Besides, he wears the pants in this relationship. Very nice, tight, silky leather pants that show off the fine qualities of his ass......

J'adore Mello. Beaucoup. Hey! Those online RPG games sure do improve your language skills!

Oh. Toushirou's coming back, his baby in tow. I...should probably get going now. Mello, love, where are youuuuuuuuuu???

* * *

That fucking bastard. I can't believe he's vandalizing my notebook, AGAIN! Not to mention this time he not only wrote in neon green Sharpie, he also drew a very...ahem, graphic drawing of a certain part of the male anatomy on the front cover. Great. Just, okay. Whatever. I'm going to calm down and forget about this.

Anyway, as you've already heard, I delivered my brat. A baby girl. I named her Enfer. It means hell in French.

Wow. I'm surprised. Apparently the characters in this story are now becoming proficient in French. Matt just wrote up there that he adored Mello a lot. And I named my baby Enfer. ...Wow.

Anyway, I'm kind of tired - ten hours of labor will do that to ya.

I'm going to sleep now. Good bye.

* * *

I cannot believe this. The love of my life has just forsaken me! He apparently grew breasts overnight and his long hair was let down, and I have come to realize that my Matt, my beautiful, gorgeous, redheaded Matt, is now actually Maddy! What is the world coming to?!

This is it. I am forced to do this. For the sake of mankind, and for the salvation of my broken heart.

Good-bye, cruel world.

* * *

Yo! It's Kensei! See, I'm kinda fucking Shuuhei right now, but since it appears that no one else is actually coherent enough to do something like this, I am taking it upon myself to tell you all that Nova did NOT commit suicide, as it appears in the previous entry. No. He just moved all of the Death Note cast through this portal thingy back to their dimension, and then collapsed on the ground sobbing with grief. The poor guy.

And the Eight Elopers became the Four once more.

Now, excuse me. I'm in the middle of something.

**_June 20  
Fucking Shuuhei  
Saturday  
Kensei_**

**Challenges sent in by flying. dreaming. dancing and Linkin Park 4 ever.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL MAKE YOU RUN AROUND THE MAFIA HEADQUARTERS AND GET SHOT AT! (the original insult would have been that we would have made you bend over and --- as said by Matt, but I thought that would be amazingly crude).**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	96. Chubby Cheeks and a Double Chin

**Skyskater's Daily Note: MISA MISA AKIRA, I THOUGHT I TOLD EVERYBODY THAT I WAS NO LONGER ACCEPTING DEATH NOTE CHALLENGES! Please rewrite your challenge.**

**Thank you for your understanding. However, if you still want to make Death Note challenges, please go and read Near's Guide to High School. It's on my favorites list. Oh, and Mitsune-kun, where exactly is the Great Barrier Reef? Call me ignorant, but I need to know.**

**Skyskater's Song of the Day (now replacing Daily Advice): "Shake It" by Metro Station**

* * *

So, I mean, I fall asleep, and everybody just decides to go and vandalize the notebook. I see how it is. God damn it. I need to go to WalMart and hope that they'll give me a discount for buying notebooks in bulk or something. Then everybody can have their freaking own and Nova can write about his suicidal emo feelings and Kensei can write about the joys of fucking Shuuhei without vandalizing MY notebook and scarring MY readers for life! Not to mention that Matt drew an extremely large part of the male anatomy on the front cover of the notebook so I can no longer look at the notebook without being reminded of Matt, a part of the Eight Elopers.

Actually, did you know Matt's pregnant, now?

Anyway.

We're headed to Pennsylvania now for some reason. Oh. Wait. That's because first of all, the KKK is somewhere in the Midwest, still looking for us, and we got kicked out of Nevada for destroying the peace and now we're getting kicked out of Colorado for...well, we're getting kicked out because I singlehandedly managed to fill their famous monument with unmeltable snow. Hey, I mean, it could've been worse. I could have filled the canyon with unmeltable ICE, and then they would never have had their ditch back and they wouldn't have had the burro rides up the canyon.

* * *

It's Father's Day, as I'm sure you guys are all aware of.

And...I...am a father. Wait. Am I a father, or am I a mother since I delivered the kid? Or would I figuratively be called a mather instead? All this parenting stuff, it's so confusing!

Anyway. I never thought that I would live to see the day where I had a child. Much less see the day where I bore my own kid.

I don't know what you'd call it, but there's this fuzzy little feeling inside me whenever I look at my darling - no! she's not darling! she's anything but, considering what she came from - Enfer.

Damn it. I'm getting attached. Somebody take the baby away from me before I start making little gurgling noises and playing airplane with it!

* * *

Oh. My. God. This is adorable. Like, I am not even joking.

Now, you're probably wondering who the hell is reporting. And, of course, it is I. The fabulous Il Forte. I haven't been getting much story time, well, neither has Yumichika, but I have more legible writing.

But anyway, Toshi and his baby Enfer are just so adorable! Even if he did decide to name his baby girl a curse word in French. But, I mean, she could've been DEAD a long time ago. I mean, what would you choose, a bad name or death? Yeah. I thought so.

Baby Enfer is so cute! She has Stark's hair and Toshi's eyes, and she is just this plump little ball of fat and squishyness with these adorable chubby cheeks and a double chin, and this perfect little mouth...I could rave on about baby Enfer for HOURS, believe me.

I secretly hope that Toshi will choose me to be one of Enfer's godparents. Oh, how I would love that.

But...I kind of have to go now. I'm in the middle of a crisis right now. We're about halfway through Oklahoma and I...don't have service. So I can't text Yumichika all the way from the back of the car (he's sitting in the front of the car). So, peace out for now.

Until we meet again.

**_June 21  
Searching for cell service  
Father's Day, Sunday  
Il Forte_**

**No challenges in this chapter. Wow. So...time for Skyskater stats: On the favorites list of 141 members, on the alert list of 85 members, total of 145 submitted reviews, total words archived: 329,623 words (not including this chapter), average number of words per story: 4,847, total hits to profile page: 8,342.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL THROW YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF OKLAHOMA AND YOU WILL NOT HAVE CELL SERVICE SO YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO CALL ANYONE TO PICK YOU UP!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan  
**


	97. The Grantz Family Misdemeanors

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Ahem. Misa Misa Akira, I am sorry for yelling at you in the last chapter. Now. Please rewrite your challenge. :D**

**So far, in my poll, the leading new guide after high school will be College, followed by Dating/Love, followed by Sex. XD By the way, if you send in a challenge, no more road trip challenges. Furthermore, if I do not get to your challenge before this story is over, it shall go in HGTHS: Sophomore Year.**

**Skyskater's Song of the Day: "Stolen" by Dashboard Confessional**

**

* * *

**

This is Il Forte reporting yet again. It appears as though Toushirou has picked a fight with a grumpy old grizzly bear. The bear kind of reminds me of Barragan. I never liked that old guy in the first place. I knew there was some ulterior motive to all those 'sponge baths.' No wonder his Fraccion decided to go and die easy. I mean, seriously! I probably would too, if I was assigned to him. Grimmjow is MUCH better, trust me. Even though he has all these STDs and now has twins...but the twins are adorable! They would be even more adorable if Ulquiorra, their...mother? wasn't standing over them with his Batman wings all spread out.

Anyway, I'm sorry if my writing is a bit messy, I'm holding Enfer (the little darling!) and texting Yumichika at the same time while I'm reporting on this. I'm a multitasker, see, it's just kind of hard to hold a baby, write, and text at the same time.

Come to think of it, I never knew that bears ran wild in Pennsylvania. But I suppose life is full of surprises.

Like my brother. Um, hello? He's got PINK HAIR. The rest of the people in my family are BLOND. So that either makes him a mutant, or an illegitimate child. Or maybe darling Mamma had an affair and didn't tell Dad. Oh ho, if that happened, she'd be GETTING IT!!!

If it was the latter (illegitimate child), then I actually wouldn't be related to him and that would actually be pretty good. However, if it's the former (mutant), then...I hereby disown myself from the Grantz family. No way in hell am I calling a freak my brother.

Anyway.

So Toushirou's kicking this bear's ass, right, and then this pack of wolves comes running out of the woods from NOWHERE, and "saved him from his possible doom." I mean, he was kicking the bear's ass just fine, but I guess post-pregnant people shouldn't be doing physical stuff like that.

Enfer is absolutely gorgeous. Hopefully she doesn't take after either of her parents, though. I wouldn't want her to be a complete lazy ass, but I also wouldn't want her to have a temper the length of a pin head.

**(A/N: Is it just me, or can the rest of you totally see Il Forte carrying a baby?)**

Oh my goodness. Now those wolves are treating Toshi like one of their pack, and have currently stripped him of his clothes and have proceeded with a licking ritual or something to initiate him. Now, I don't know about you, and I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but nobody needs to see a pre pubescent boy who's just given birth naked. Let me tell you, that pregnancy weight didn't go too well on him. Let's just say it collected about his thighs and leave it at that.

I have the perfect magazine that could help him get his thighs back to being like they were before he got pregnant, but Toshi is a firm non-believer in magazines. I need to convert him some time. Perhaps I can convert Enfer! When she's a little older, of course. It's not like a baby's gonna be doing cardio workout. Or yoga, for that matter.

While this whole licking ritual is going on, a van suddenly comes out of NOWHERE. Like the wolves, I guess. But this van just suddenly appears, the back opens, and all these people in blue suits come running out.

Oh. My. God. I. Feel. So. Blessed.

I have loved Ouran High School Host Club ever since the manga started coming out! And now to meet my idols in real life, this is just absolutely amazing! Hikaru and Kaoru's fashion senses are like, freaking wickedly cool. I so need to get their number.

I guess it turns out that they're on a road trip, too! That's hecka cool! We were, like, destined to meet in these woods or something! I mean, two casts, two road trips, it's just so unlikely that it's not even a coincidence anymore.

Or maybe it is a coincidence and I'm just too stubborn to see it?

Nah. I'm a model. My eyes and mind are open to EVERYTHING.

Uh oh. Enfer's started crying. I think she's hungry. I need to go now. You know, get some autographs and feed her.

Now...where did I put the formula?

**_June 23  
Looking for the baby formula  
Tuesday  
Il Forte_**

**Challenges sent in by The Infamous Salem-Chan and Assault Godzilla.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL DISOWN YOU FROM YOUR OWN FAMILY!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	98. First Words and Condom Wrappers

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Oi! For those of you who are good at drawing, READ HERE! **

**What do you guys think about doing art for writing trades? Like, if one of you wants to draw a scene out of HGTHS (Renji falling off mini empire state building, Ulquiorra pregnant and buying Hello Kitty merchandise, Il Forte holding a baby, etc), I will write you not one, but TWO stories of your choice! See challenge regulations for more details. So...art for writing? Yay or Nay?**

**Song of the Day: "Happy Song" by Liam Lynch**

* * *

RANDOM SKYSKATER NOTE: MATT'S BABY WILL BE NAMED MATTELLO SKYSKATER KEEHL. ZOMG! THIS IS SO GREAT! I FEEL SO BELOVED!

Ahem.

Sorry. Here's the start of the chapter.

* * *

I have absolutely no idea why Skyskater is so obsessed about getting a kid named after her. And it's not even the kid's first name, anyway! I just don't get what's so great about it.

Not to mention that Matt's only been pregnant for a day or so and Skyskater already knows the gender. Is it me, or doesn't this seem just the tiniest bit weird?

And for all those of you who are wondering why the hell I know what's going on in the Death Note universe, it's because I read Near's Guide to High School so I can make fun of his pitiful life.

Anyway, I'm actually writing about NGTHS because I am in denial. That's right. The first stage of dying. Or...something like that. But I'm not denying that I'm dying, because one can't deny that they're dying if they're already dead. I'm in denial because I do not want to accept what is going on before my very eyes.

Basically, do you remember back in Chapter 77, "Pickles and Chocolate Cake", I was in South Carolina and I was watching the Hawaiian islands get destroyed by Transformers? Yeah, well, the giant robot/car thingies are back. With a vengeance. Somehow, I think this is all interrelated with the appearance and disappearance of Near and his cohorts. I knew there was something fishy about Mello's dress...

Anyway, so I'm actually here at a movie theater. The Transformers got so psyched about their new movie, "Revenge of the Fallen" that they just had to force everybody to go and watch it with them. I mean, you were IN THE MOVIE. You don't need to actually go and see it if you've spent like, fifty thousand hours of your life making it, right? Apparently, robots think differently than humans. And this time, the Kraken isn't here to drag me to a watery death, which might actually be welcome right about now.

As we were entering the theater, these ODSTs jump down from the ceiling and hoist guns on everybody, even my darling Enfer! How dare they?!...Oh no. I'm thinking like a father. God save us all! And no, in contradiction to Il Forte's ramblings in the previous two chapters, I am NOT going to name him a godparent. I would not trust that gay fag with my beloved daughter. Well, I wouldn't trust him with a sack of flour...much less a child. Much less my OWN child.

I think these are the postpartum hormones kicking in. I have never felt as much affection for a sack of fat in my entire life.

Anyway, so the ODSTs jumped down and they were all, "Oh, Toushirou, we're your saviors from the future!" or whatever. And so I was crying with joy, because I thought they were going to shoot me so that I could go back to Soul Society and resume a normal life with normal paperwork. But no. Of course not. Instead, they laughed and said, "Oh, these guns are fake! Amazing what you can get at the dollar store these days!" And then they walked into the movie theater, because it turns out that...they wanted to see it too.

...

It seems as though everybody has their priorities mixed up. I swear.

God, Il Forte needs to learn to keep his hands to himself! Keep your hands off my Enfer, you savage barbarian!

* * *

You. Are. All. Trash. Grimmjow says I'm monosyllabic. But I think that monosyllabic is five syllables.

I am curious about these human affections that Hitsugaya calls 'postpartum hormones'. It appears as though he has developed a strong attachment to his daughter Enfer. I cannot say that he has developed the same strong attachment for Stark, however. Well, Stark IS a lazy piece of trash that does nothing but sit on his trashy behind all day. And I cannot curse any more because of my two darling baby boys. I do not want them learning any bad language.

And contrary to popular belief, I know that I am not Christian Bale. That man was a piece of trash. I am an even better Christian Bale than Christian Bale could ever be. I rest my case.

Anyway, it appears that somehow these random gargantas have been opening up all over the place to random universes, and it appears as though the latest one just opened up to the Full Metal Alchemist universe. (I rather do enjoy that show.) No, the last garganta did NOT open up to Ouran High School Host Club, because they were on a road trip around the USA as well. And my oh my, was there some interesting trash in Hikaru's pockets....(condom wrappers, half empty bottle of lube, etc. etc.)

I wonder who he's ban - I mean, copulating with.

Fortunately for us, only two people came out of the FMA universe. This is good. Because then I can annihilate them. But those trashy pieces of scum aren't worth a cero. Hmm. Perhaps I could scare them half to death twice with my Batman awesomeness?

I am so proud of Gomi and Basura. They have super intellects (thank goodness they don't take after Grimmjow) and their first word was 'Trash'. I was so proud.

Anyway, you would think that since I have my Christian-Bale-awesomeness costume on, the people in the theater would be getting mad at me. (In which case, I would eliminate them all anyway.) But no. They're not getting mad at me. Apparently they're getting mad at Kenpachi sitting ten rows down fighting with this blonde short person called 'Ed' about Ed being/not being a midget. (I think he's a midget.) And this other robot guy, 'Al' is watching them and playing with Yoruichi in cat form. Now, don't get me wrong, but I am pretty sure that Yoruichi could impregnate this other guy too. Even though he's a robot and probably doesn't have any functioning reproductive organs at all. And then this OTHER person, who is being completely annoying, is watching and eating popcorn and throwing it at everyone...

And a piece of it just landed in my hair.

Oh, that is it. You are GOING DOWN!

* * *

My beloved wife/husband...well, actually, would-be wife/husband because we haven't gotten legally married yet, has just Ceroed some unfortunate being for throwing popcorn at him. Ah...that man. I do admire him greatly.

And...I honestly have no idea how I impregnated Ulquiorra. He was the one on top.

Please let me go and ponder this interesting phenomenon. Oh, and I need to feed my sons. They're squabbling a little bit.

**_June 24  
Pondering a phenomenon and feeding Gomi and Basura  
Wednesday  
Grimmjow_**

**Challenges sent in by Full Metal Bec (sorry! I annihilated you! LOL) and Assault Godzilla.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL SCARE YOU HALF TO DEATH TWICE!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	99. Civilized Sex

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Sorry. I took a week's hiatus/vacation.**

**I really need to start warning people before I'm going to take vacations. During this week, I watched EIGHT freaking movies - three in theaters, five on DVD -. These eight movies were: The Grudge 3, Saw 5, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, How to Lose Friends and Alienate People, Taken, 12 Rounds, Up, Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs, and Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen. I think I'm done with watching movies for a while.**

**Song of the Day: "New Divide" by Linkin Park. **

**

* * *

**

SKYSKATER NOTE: IF YOU HAPPENED TO SEND ME A CHALLENGE DURING MY VACATION WEEK, PLEASE RESEND IT. FURTHERMORE, AFTER THOSE WHO HAVE RESENT THEIR CHALLENGES, THERE WILL BE NO MORE CHALLENGES ACCEPTED FOR HGTHS.

* * *

After we left the Transformers (for the second time!) and the useless ODSTS with the guns from the dollar store, we headed off to the Great Barrier Reef near Australia for some ungodly reason unknown to man. I think it had something to do with Nemu's cravings for fresh, wild, undomesticated fish. And you know, when Nemu wants something, (well, a pregnant Nemu, at any rate), she gets it. Or blows up the thing next to her to kingdom come.

And besides, I thought Enfer should see the world. You know, before we get back to Japan and start to lead a life of normalcy.

So right now, we're here in Australia, in the Great Barrier Reef. I hope there's no sharks in the water, because I would hate for my darling Enfer to be gobbled up by them. Ah, how I adore her, although the story of her conception is one I would not like to relive.

Oh dear, Enfer's just started crying! Hold on a second, folks, I need to go attend to my daughter.

* * *

Yo there, this is Shuuhei reporting. I haven't really gotten a chance to write in this journal yet, so I figured, why not? Anyway, Kensei can't write because he's fucking me on top of this little plastic boat thingie that we have on top of the water. I mean, ever realized how hard it would be to have sex and swim at the same time? Really now. There are limits to what one can do. Unless you're a form of fish. Or a mammal that lives underwater. Like whales. Whales have sex underwater and can swim at the same time. Well, okay. Truth is, I don't know that one. I've never actually bothered to go and study copulating whales. Not part of my senior thesis, that.

Oh I remember high school with a passion. I remember, even back then, Kensei and I (even though he was a senior when I was a sophomore) had got it going on! We even went to prom together...ah, such good times.

Anyway, Enfer is crying up a storm. I think she'll attract a shark or something. And sharks would love to gobble up that little sack of fat. I think she's hungry though. And hello, we're a bit far out from shore. Toushirou should breastfeed her.

And he's actually trying to. Except he can't. Because he's a guy, and there's no breastmilk. This is quite a predicament. Maybe they could borrow some of Ulquiorra's food that he gives to Gomi and Basura...oh. Wait. Ulquiorra feeds Gomi and Basura dead souls. You know, Arrancar kids and all that. Never mind. Shinigami can't eat dead souls. We actually eat real food every now and then.

But isn't Stark an Arrancar? So wouldn't Enfer be able to eat some dead souls too? I don't know. This is all very confusing. I'm going to stop now before I hurt my head.

Oh my God, some civilian on another of these plastic boat thingies just floated by and glared at us. How dare she?! We're having very civilized sex here, if I do say so myself! I mean, it's so civilized that I can even write while I'm having it! How many kinds of sex can you think of in which this kind of thing can happen, huh? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Anyway, she just floated right on over to Toushirou and Stark and Enfer and handed them a PB&J Ritz sandwich. For Enfer, I think.

But the poor thing doesn't have any teeth, or any milk to wash it down with! Sometimes, I marvel at the stupidity of humans.

Oh, wait. Toushirou and her are having an argument. Something about how his 'baby was allergic to peanuts' or something. I mean, how does he even know that? He never got a scratch test done.

Oh, that little boy does have a temper. He just froze the entire Great Barrier Reef up. Sorry to the poor fishies down below. But hey! Now Kensei and I can go ice skating and have sex at the same time!

Anyway, for some reason, Toushirou has just burst into a fit of tears. Like his daughter. I guess she takes after him in that sense. I've never seen Stark yell, let alone cry. And he's yelling at the civilian that "he's going to run away to Pakistan" or something like that because "the food there and the people there are more courteous than you could ever be!"

Greaaaaattttttt. So now we're heading to Pakistan, apparently. Trying to sate the postpartum prepubescent boy's hormones. Hey, I made an alliteration! Teehee.

I wonder where the money for the plane tickets is gonna come from?

**_July 6  
Wondering where the money for plane tickets is going to come from  
Monday  
Shuuhei_**

**Challenge sent in by Mitsune-kun.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL THROW YOU IN THE GREAT BARRIER REEF AND HAVE THE SHARKS GOBBLE YOU UP LIKE THE SACK OF FAT THAT YOU ARE!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	100. Reverse Sexual Abuse

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Alright. So my first day of sophomore year will be the day that HGTHS: Sophomore Year starts. **

**HGTHS: Sophomore Year will probably have a better title.**

**Song of the Day: "The Con" by Tegan and Sara**

* * *

I really hate how everybody decides that because I'm a postpartum prepubescent boy much more occupied with taking care of his daughter that it's okay for them to write for me. I hate how they assume this. I mean, haven't they ever heard of the saying: "Never assume, because it makes an ASS out of U and ME."? Honestly, people! And it wouldn't be making an ass out of me, because I never asked you to assume this in the first place.

ANYWAY....

We're here in Pakistan. It is hot as HELL. And, I mean, that's not even like, a reference. Pakistan MUST BE hell.

Anyway, there is no way in hell that I am allowing my little darling girl Enfer to play with Ichigo's baby. Even though Ichigo insists that it would be good for the two of them. You know, bonding time and whatnot. I highly disagree, if that...heinous THING ends up anything like this father/mother/mather/parental units.

I am not letting Enfer anywhere near "Boy." That scoundrel. Why, just the other day, I'm pretty sure I saw him feeling up Shuuhei. Oh yes, that's most certainly what it looked like. Seriously. I know that when an adult molests a child, it's called sexual abuse, but what's it called when a child molests an adult? Although I'm convinced Shuuhei is a big, very sexually active child hiding in an adult's body.

Anyway, just a little random off topic note, have you guys noticed that this is the 100th chapter? Yeah, that's right. Through all the blood, sweat, and tears (and two month hiatuses), we've reached one hundred chapters. ONE HUNDRED CHAPTERS. This is a huge achievement. Well, at least to me, that is.

Have I mentioned I'm sweating like a pig here?

And...Oh. My. Fucking. God. Do you remember that story I told you a while ago about the cow falling out of the sky on some poor Japanese fishing boat? Yeah, well, take that same story, and take away the cow and the fishing boat and replace them with the World's Fattest Man - Manuel Uribe - and our car. And Rukia was sitting in the car with E.T. And Manuel Uribe fell on our car. Now, you think she'd be dead, as well as E.T., but apparently he just narrowly missed her. However, the impact was so great that it sent her and E.T. rocketing up into outer space. Or into the stratosphere. One or the other.

And so, of course, I just have to be dragged along with the rest of the gang in order to save her. Why? I don't know. But apparently Stark's guns (you know, those weapons he gets whenever he and Lilinette team up, and if you don't read the manga, you are missing out) can be used for more than just shooting people. They can also be used for rocket ship launchers. ...Now, I didn't know this. And one would like to think that they would know what kinds of things the person they've slept with's guns can do. That didn't really make sense, but it kind of does. But I suppose since it was completely nonconsensual, it wouldn't matter. Do girls know their rapists' names? No. I didn't think so. Unless their rapist is some kind of pervert and is all, "Oh yeah, baby, scream my name, scream my name." ...Someone like Kensei.

Anyway, I'm writing while in outer space, and let me tell you, this is actually rather hard to do. You know, the lack of gravity and all. And if you're wondering why I haven't suffocated to death, it's because I am in a gigai and I don't actually need to breathe. Plus I'm already dead. So it wouldn't matter anyway.

And oh, look at that, I see Rukia floating a little bit off in the distance. With E.T. Why isn't E.T. dead by now? I mean, if that hybrid baby between Edward and Bella in the Twilight series drank blood but was still semi human, then wouldn't the same concept apply to E.T.? Wouldn't he like, need to breathe air but he'd still have spiritual energy? Or something like that?

Whatever. Anyway, E.T. must have some strong sense of navigation, because he wrapped his tentacles around his mother (oh yes, tentacles! What every mother wants in her child!) and started dragging her back to Earth. So, see, we never really had to get launched out here on Stark's Cero guns.

Anyway, whatever. I'm a bit curious as to how in the world the World's Fattest Man got the leverage to get up that high. I mean, what do you use in those kinds of situations? Why would you even want to INDUCE those kinds of situations? Unless someone was really, really bored and decided to take a plane out on a joyride. You know, these things happen. Case in point: Cow jumping out of the airplane incident.

I mean, seriously! All of this is Russia's fault. If they hadn't brought livestock on their planes, then none of this would have happened and that other person who took Manuel Uribe out on a joyride wouldn't have had the fabulous idea of pushing him out of the plane! You see, this is ALL to be blamed on Russia. No joke. I mean, I'm sure we could even find a way to blame global warming on them, too!

Anyway, I really must be getting back to my darling Enfer. You know, space doesn't really suit her. The poor thing.

And no, Boy! You are NOT to be touching her! And the same goes for you, Gomi and Basura! Although I think they're incestuous....you know, weird people breed weird spawn. Case in point: Grimmjow and Ulquiorra, in which Ulquiorra was on top but somehow managed to get pregnant...

**_Friday  
Descending into Earth's atmosphere with Enfer in tow  
July 10  
Hitsugaya_**

**Challenges sent in by 0mohni0 and The Infamous Salem-chan.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL TAKE YOU ON A JOYRIDE AND THEN TOSS YOU OUT THE PLANE!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	101. Armageddon

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Skyskater will not be updating as frequently because I'm currently in the process of moving...**

**In the meantime, why don't you go and read Near's Guide to High School or some of 0mohni0's stories?**

**Song of the Day: "Here in Your Arms" by Hellogoodbye**

* * *

Okay. After the whole Pakistan thing and the whole "Oh my God Rukia is shooting into outer space we need to go save her!" thing, we're FINALLY back in Japan. I mean, seriously! Phew! I never thought we'd make it back to this part of the globe.

And I think my darling Enfer has seen quite enough of the world, thank you very much.

And just on a super random side note, Skyskater is actually writing a novel that she hopes to get published one day, and she was looking up names and their meanings, and she got to this one Japanese name: Hachi. It turns out that Hachi is actually a girl's name, and it means Wise Leaf. O...kay....

So this either makes Hachi a girl (could totally be possible, you know, all those slabs of fat and whatnot) or Hachi's parents were drunk when they conceived him and got that ultrasound that tells you if it's a boy or a girl. You know. Something like that.

Or maybe Hachi's parents just had a wicked sense of humor. I think this could explain the whole "pink hair" thing, too.

And Wise Leaf? Nuh uh. We ARE talking about the same person who tried to convince everyone to buy his magical dishwashing soap, right? The same magical dishwashing soap that was recalled not two days later because of dangerous chemicals in it? Yeahhhh...wise leaf indeed. Maybe a leaf, a very LARGE leaf, but not a wise leaf. Oh no sirree.

But anyway, aside from the whole Hachi thing, which completely sidetracked me from the news I am about to tell you....:

Basically, today is the best and the worst day of my entire life. Yeah. I had no idea that such a thing even existed. Anyway, Shuuhei's dead. That's the good part. I am extremely glad for this turn of events, because this means that the Four Elopers are now down to Three. At this rate, if people keep killing them off, Enfer's eyes shall no longer be scarred by the vile pornographic displays presented by them. I've given up trying to save my own eyes already. Seriously. But Enfer is still young! She needs a chance to actually see pretty things out of her eyeballs!

Anyway, basically what happened to cause Shuuhei's untimely death was something like this:

So remember how the cast of Ouran High School Host Club 'accidentally' met us on a road trip around the USA because they were coincidentally taking a road trip themselves? Anyway, it turns out that Tamaki had been stalking us the entire time, which is JUST the slightest bit creepy, if you know what I mean. Anyway, Tamaki convinced Il Forte and Shuuhei that they should join the Host Club. Il Forte agreed (you know, being vain and all that, and he just thought that his lovely blonde hair would complement the blue of the suit so well! Poor Yumichika didn't get an invite), and Shuuhei also agreed (probably some really twisted thing about getting fucked while in a blue suit or something). However, on his way to the dark side (the OHSHC's minivan) Shuuhei got shot by none other than Dick Cheney, who promptly came out of the bushes and apologized profusely. See, he had been aiming at the ground, he said. Looking for earthworms, he said. But for some reason, his hand just jerked upwards and pulled the trigger, and shot Shuuhei. Complete accident, he said. (I think he needs to get those random twitches checked out. Could be a sign of mild epilepsy.) But thank GOD that he did it! I was seriously starting to doubt the existence of a god in this world. But apparently there is one. And I am happy for that.

Anyway, that was the good part of the day. I am entirely glad that Shuuhei is dead, and I am also entirely glad that Kensei is suffering. That's right. You made me suffer by watching you elope quite vigorously on every possible surface and in every possible position, and now it is your turn to suffer, because Shuuhei is now dead! I'm almost tempted to sing "Ding Dong, the witch is dead" but I'm saving that song for Kensei. You know. In case he gets killed in an unfortunate hunting accident.

And, being happy, I ran off to go and find my wolf buddies. You know, tell them the good news. Besides, they're way better than any of the unusual freaks that I am associated with. Plus they give me the respect I deserve! So I went off to find them.

So I was hanging out with them, right, and I was seriously starting to consider starting a new life with them, when this giant portal/garganta like thing opened up behind me and sucked me and Enfer in. Good God! Doesn't anybody know that the vacuum inside the portal/garganta could suck a baby's brains right out of its ears?! The nerve of some people!

And then I was back with the unusual freaks. I began to cry. And so did Enfer. Damn postpartum hormones. I hate, hate, hate, hate them! But I would go through a million postpartum hormones if it meant I could keep Enfer. The darling thing.

Anyway, it appears that Ukitake has contracted some vile new disease called "Armageddon". Oh, JOY. I mean, the disease even sounds deadly to the human race! And apparently this new disease will make him explode and take everyone with him unless he eats...A BABY?! OH GOD! OH GOD NO!

Of course, I shielded Enfer with my body while subtly poking Boy forward with my foot. Ichigo's baby can die. It's okay with me.

But Mayuri and Szayel, who had pulled me back through the portal in the first place, pushed away Boy and said, "No. This one is not good enough. We will either need Enfer, or you will need to have another baby using the sperm of either Hanatarou or Komamura." HUHHHHH?! WHAT THE FUCK?!

"Why ME?" (What?! It's not like I was gonna give up Enfer!)

"Because you have good chromosomes."

Only SZAYEL would say something like that. Most normal guys would say, "Because you're athletic, you're smart, etc." but nooooo, Szayel has to go and say something like, "Because you have good chromosomes. And Hanatarou and Komamura have good chromosomes as well. And Ukitake needs a good chromosomed baby in order for him and the human race to survive."

........

Alright, then. I'm going off to drink some good strong beer. I need to be intoxicated before I let something like this happen.

-sighs- Oh boy. Here we go again. I'm taking this rather calmly, don't you think? At least this time it'll be consensual. I think. Is it called consensual sex if you have it while you're drunk? And why do I have to be the one getting pregnant?! Why can't Hanatarou get pregnant?! He seems more suited to it than me.

And yes. I will be...copulating...with Hanatarou.

Excuse me. I need to go get myself some alcohol in my system.

**_Thursday  
Being driven to drink - literally!  
July 16  
Hitsugaya_**

**Challenge sent in by Tyki-pon.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, YOU WILL CONTRACT THE DISEASE ARMAGEDDON AND WILL SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST AND TAKE THE WHOLE OF THE HUMAN RACE WITH YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF HELL UNLESS YOU EAT A BABY!!!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan**


	102. Incessant Wailing and Public Copulating

**Skyskater's Daily Note: Skyskater has finished moving but is actually now sick. Ugh.**

**Not to mention studying for SATs is boring.**

**Song of the Day: "Marching Bands of Manhattan" by Death Cab For Cutie**

**

* * *

**Szayel Aporro Grantz reporting. The copulation between Subject A (Hitsugaya, Toushirou) and Subject B (Yamada, Hanatarou) has gone well. Subject A had an excessively high blood alcohol percentage, but in my medical opinion, this will not skew the results whatsoever. Of course, the baby might have developed some pre Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, but as this is a procedure going on between a gigai and a shinigami, I am not exactly sure if pre-FAS will occur.

If pre-FAS were to occur, I have tools that are perfectly ready to handle this equipment.

However, I am extremely concerned about the wellbeing of Subject B. Subject B had no idea that he was copulating with Subject A, and thought that he was having, so to quote, "An extremely pleasant dream." This makes me question the mental state of Subject B, and soon he shall be sent in for a mental competence test. If I am wrong about Subject B having good chromosomes, then Subject A's fetus shall be aborted and we shall have to start again from scratch!

How I love specimens.

Although I am concerned about the state of Subject C (Ukitake, Jyuushirou). He looks about ready to spontaneously combust into flames and noxious carbon monoxide is leaking out of his visible orifices (and not so visible ones, as well, may I add!).

And spontaneous combustion would not be good for the fate of this world.

And I would have no more specimens to deal with.

Speaking of specimens, the last subject for the Birthing Flower never came out. And she is not in the Birthing Flower either. Perhaps I have created a vampiric flower?

How delightful!

Also....Subject A has just decided to run away. I do not know where he plans to go in his state, but he just exited the door in such a manner as to warrant several colorful words from several people in the room.

I have just decided to send my brother, Il Forte, to deal with Subject A and tranquilize him until we can evaluate his state of health. Once it has been determined that he is in fact healthy, then he shall be free to wander around as he pleases while we observe him in his natural habitat and take notes on the stages of his pregnancy.

Furthermore, I am delighted to say that I have succeeded in cheating Death. I have brought Subject D (Hisagi, Shuuhei) back from the dead! No, no, you Americans may think he is like the next Frankenstein or part of a mass zombie attack, but I digress. Shuuhei is perfectly normal and is now walking and talking and eating and also copulating with other people as he has done before his untimely death. This is a great breakthrough in the field of medicine, and I would just like to take a moment here to congratulate myself.

Of course, the treatment for bringing someone back from the dead does involve some illegal materials, such as...ahem...illegal pesticides, cannabis, and methamphetamines. Not to mention it's contributing to overpopulation. But at least I do not have to be bothered by that incessant wailing coming from Subject E (Muguruma, Kensei)'s mouth. I was unaware that shinigami could even make such a sound. I was also unaware that Subject E had ever been qualified to be a captain in his life. However, pulling up his past records proved to me that I was wrong. However, his previous actions led me to assume that his mental capacity was nowhere near what it should have been to hold a captain's position, and in my belief, the Gotei 13 made an incorrect choice in choosing him to fulfill that role.

God knows how many small children he has led into believing that it is perfectly acceptable to get a tattoo on your chest and go get bitten by a Hollow.

Perhaps he is the one humans should blame for the sudden increase in 'sexting', or texting sexual messages and/or pictures. The sexting phenomenon has gotten all the way down to third graders now!

However, Il Forte does not sext. I am curious about this.

Perhaps I should research it. He seems much like the kind of person that would 'sext.' So why doesn't he?

This is an interesting phenomenon.

And Subjects D and E should wear some sort of protection. Goodness only knows which one of them has slept with Grimmjow.

And don't lie. It was bound to happen.

Not to mention that Subjects D and E should not be doing that sort of vile activity in public. Especially not near children!

I was overjoyed when Ulquiorra had his babies. Of course, I wasn't there, but the Birthing Flower still needed a little tweaking, so I was off fixing it. However, I am certainly glad that Ulquiorra and Grimmjow are able to experience the joys of parenthood. Perhaps this time Mr. Jeagerjacques shall learn some responsibility! Although I don't think that's likely.

And I definitely think that Ulquiorra Schiffer should start setting a better role model for his children. Babies cannot be fed on trash by the block, if you get what I mean. Babies need proper nurturing, they need some proper toys (I have some old scalpels that would be perfect for them!), and they need a proper learning environment, which Ulquiorra and Grimmjow do not give them, what with the whole 'going around to people's houses and demanding trash while in a Batman outfit.'

Not to mention Ulquiorra should take some medication for his anger management regime. Like when he assassinated a poor reviewer at the movies for throwing popcorn at him. Well, it wasn't directed AT him, persay, but the guy just doesn't accept stuff like that, if you get my meaning.

Well, I must depart now, because I must go and give Subject A some strong tranquilizers to subdue him until we can proceed with a full physical examination complete with MRIs and CT scans and LPs. No, the lumbar puncture isn't necessary, but I might as well evaluate the strength of his spinal cord. You know, just to see if his back will break when he's heavy with child.

Signing off.

_**25th of June**_

Tranquilizing Subject A

_**Saturday**_

_**Grantz, Aporro Szayel**_

**Part of a challenge from MRegent.2.**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL GIVE YOU UNNECESSARY LUMBAR PUNCTURES AND THEY WILL HURT!!!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan  
**


	103. Immuno Compromised?

**Skyskater's Daily Note: So sorry for not updating. My computer has yet ANOTHER virus, or, let me say this correctly, another buttload of viruses. Ho-kay. **

**On another note, the awards chapter will be up very, very soon! Please remember that you are NOT allowed to send in challenges for HGTHS: Sophomore Year that involve Hitsugaya and the gang going somewhere. Okay? It must all stay in school, as we completely ditched like half of freshman year to go running around the globe.**

**Song of the Day: "Move Along" - All American Rejects**

**

* * *

**

First of all, before I get started, I would like to say that it is not my fault that I have not been updating. If you must blame anyone, blame Skyskater and blame the shitty people who make a living out of forcing poor innocent people into buying their so proclaimed "antivirus" software that does not actually work. Trust me. AVG Free Edition is much better.

Anyway, the real reason that I could not update is because I was getting...ahem...inseminated while intoxicated. And, let's just say that Szayel, that pompous gay bastard, made me go through a whole bunch of procedures, such as MRIs, CT scans, and Lumbar Punctures which, according to his last account, were not necessary. I've already been pregnant once, why would he need to check the strength of my spine now?! God. I never thought I would live to see the day when a male said, "Oh, yes, I've already been pregnant once." And I most definitely thought I would be dead for at LEAST ten centuries before I learned that the male was me.

My life sucks.

I wish I could give Szayel an LP. You know, to check whether HIS spine is strong enough to withstand the weight of a child. However, I intend to miss.

Malicious thoughts that I would indeed like to carry out. Oh yes, I would.

I'm going to run away before I actually harm anyone.

* * *

This is I, Szayel Aporro Grantz reporting once again. It appears as though Subject A has gone missing! And he has completely hidden his reiatsu so that we have no idea where in the world/dimension he is. Subject A should really learn to stop practicing this risky behavior; he is with child, a child that could potentially be Jesus's rival! But then again, I was never one for religion. I'm a man of science.

Well, while Subject A is missing and while my henchmen are attempting to track him down, I believe I shall sit here patiently and wait and ask Ulquiorra and Grimmjow if I could perhaps borrow their two darling little boys. For a study. Haven't you ever wondered how Ulquiorra was able to get pregnant even though, according to Grimmjow, he was the one on top? Well, it is time to put my theory to the test. It appears as though Arrancars, and especially those of high rank, such as we, the Espada, have the ability to "be on top" in a sexual encounter and still get pregnant. Our bodies are apparently immuno compromised, you see, and so, when encountered with sex of any kind, we are able to get pregnant so that our children can live on if we happen to die from an infection. Very self sacrificial. It's just a good thing Ulquiorra didn't get lupus or something! Or even worse, gonorrhea. I'm sure Grimmjow has that.

Oh. It appears as though I will not be able to do that study on Gomi and Basura after all, because Subject A has just come running back out of nowhere. Hmm...and I was so looking forward to sticking a scalpels in their skulls! Oh well. That will have to wait.

Subject A is now screaming and ranting about some terrible mob of "beasties" that he encountered on his journey to wherever he went. Il Forte has not had any luck with extracting more information from him, other than the fact that these "beasties" gather in mobs and happen to be the female gender.

I must make sure to research these "beasties" when I get a chance.

Right now, however, I have more pressing matters to worry about than mythological "beasties" and Subject A's ranting about them. Ulquiorra has just started a Trash-based cult, complete with secret handshakes, goat slaughtering, and whatnot. Grimmjow appears very supportive of it. I wonder if the syphilis has gotten to his brain yet? That would certainly explain the stupid smiling and nodding. Or perhaps it is just his lack of mental stability whatsoever. Or perhaps a joint effort of the syphilis and his already degraded mental system. Yes, that seems very likely.

The state of subject C (Ukitake, Jyuushirou) is getting worse. I have been keeping him under watch day and night and even gone so far as to have Il Forte ransack the nursery of the local hospital in order to quell Subject C's thirst for newborn blood. However, it appears as though mortal babies' blood will not sate his vampirism, and he needs a Shinigaim newborn's blood. How interesting. I must remember to make notes of this condition, just in case anybody else gets it. In which case, I shall be sure to refer to Subjects A and B once more.

Well, perhaps not Subject A, as he seems too mentally unstable. And Subject B is just rather...stupid, if you will forgive my crude language. However, they both have good chromosomes, so the chances of mental instability and airheadedness affecting their baby is very little.

I should start Subject A on fertility treatments after he delivers. That way, if Subject C happens to get this "Armageddon" virus again, we will have babies in stock for him to feast on.

And it is amazing how little Subject A's first baby resembles Stark. She is not lazy whatsoever and in fact does not sleep very much, and she has been causing Ulquiorra and Grimmjow many headaches, as they have been the primary caretakers of her through this trying ordeal on Subject A. Thankfully they have not thrown her through a wall yet. The protective harness keeps them from doing that.

Well, I'm signing off now. I need to go and check up on Subjects D and E (Muguruma, Kensei, and Shuuhei, Hisagi) to make sure that they are indeed having protected sex. A man of science does not need to waste his time treating clearly irresponsibile shinigami for AIDS.

_**The 9th of August  
Going to check up on Subjects D and E  
Sunday  
Grantz, Aporro Szayel**_

**Part of a challenge sent in by MRegent.2**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL MAKE YOU A GOAT FOR ULQUIORRA'S TRASH-CULT!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan  
**


	104. Abrupt Ending, But With Awards

**Skyskater's Daily Note: So sorry for not updating. My computer has yet ANOTHER virus, or, let me say this correctly, another buttload of viruses. Ho-kay. **

**On another note, the awards chapter will be up very, very soon! Please remember that you are NOT allowed to send in challenges for HGTHS: Sophomore Year that involve Hitsugaya and the gang going somewhere. Okay? It must all stay in school, as we completely ditched like half of freshman year to go running around the globe.**

**Song of the Day: "Move Along" - All American Rejects**

**

* * *

**

First of all, before I get started, I would like to say that it is not my fault that I have not been updating. If you must blame anyone, blame Skyskater and blame the shitty people who make a living out of forcing poor innocent people into buying their so proclaimed "antivirus" software that does not actually work. Trust me. AVG Free Edition is much better.

Anyway, the real reason that I could not update is because I was getting...ahem...inseminated while intoxicated. And, let's just say that Szayel, that pompous gay bastard, made me go through a whole bunch of procedures, such as MRIs, CT scans, and Lumbar Punctures which, according to his last account, were not necessary. I've already been pregnant once, why would he need to check the strength of my spine now?! God. I never thought I would live to see the day when a male said, "Oh, yes, I've already been pregnant once." And I most definitely thought I would be dead for at LEAST ten centuries before I learned that the male was me.

My life sucks.

I wish I could give Szayel an LP. You know, to check whether HIS spine is strong enough to withstand the weight of a child. However, I intend to miss.

Malicious thoughts that I would indeed like to carry out. Oh yes, I would.

I'm going to run away before I actually harm anyone.

* * *

This is I, Szayel Aporro Grantz reporting once again. It appears as though Subject A has gone missing! And he has completely hidden his reiatsu so that we have no idea where in the world/dimension he is. Subject A should really learn to stop practicing this risky behavior; he is with child, a child that could potentially be Jesus's rival! But then again, I was never one for religion. I'm a man of science.

Well, while Subject A is missing and while my henchmen are attempting to track him down, I believe I shall sit here patiently and wait and ask Ulquiorra and Grimmjow if I could perhaps borrow their two darling little boys. For a study. Haven't you ever wondered how Ulquiorra was able to get pregnant even though, according to Grimmjow, he was the one on top? Well, it is time to put my theory to the test. It appears as though Arrancars, and especially those of high rank, such as we, the Espada, have the ability to "be on top" in a sexual encounter and still get pregnant. Our bodies are apparently immuno compromised, you see, and so, when encountered with sex of any kind, we are able to get pregnant so that our children can live on if we happen to die from an infection. Very self sacrificial. It's just a good thing Ulquiorra didn't get lupus or something! Or even worse, gonorrhea. I'm sure Grimmjow has that.

Oh. It appears as though I will not be able to do that study on Gomi and Basura after all, because Subject A has just come running back out of nowhere. Hmm...and I was so looking forward to sticking a scalpels in their skulls! Oh well. That will have to wait.

Subject A is now screaming and ranting about some terrible mob of "beasties" that he encountered on his journey to wherever he went. Il Forte has not had any luck with extracting more information from him, other than the fact that these "beasties" gather in mobs and happen to be the female gender.

I must make sure to research these "beasties" when I get a chance.

Right now, however, I have more pressing matters to worry about than mythological "beasties" and Subject A's ranting about them. Ulquiorra has just started a Trash-based cult, complete with secret handshakes, goat slaughtering, and whatnot. Grimmjow appears very supportive of it. I wonder if the syphilis has gotten to his brain yet? That would certainly explain the stupid smiling and nodding. Or perhaps it is just his lack of mental stability whatsoever. Or perhaps a joint effort of the syphilis and his already degraded mental system. Yes, that seems very likely.

The state of subject C (Ukitake, Jyuushirou) is getting worse. I have been keeping him under watch day and night and even gone so far as to have Il Forte ransack the nursery of the local hospital in order to quell Subject C's thirst for newborn blood. However, it appears as though mortal babies' blood will not sate his vampirism, and he needs a Shinigaim newborn's blood. How interesting. I must remember to make notes of this condition, just in case anybody else gets it. In which case, I shall be sure to refer to Subjects A and B once more.

Well, perhaps not Subject A, as he seems too mentally unstable. And Subject B is just rather...stupid, if you will forgive my crude language. However, they both have good chromosomes, so the chances of mental instability and airheadedness affecting their baby is very little.

I should start Subject A on fertility treatments after he delivers. That way, if Subject C happens to get this "Armageddon" virus again, we will have babies in stock for him to feast on.

And it is amazing how little Subject A's first baby resembles Stark. She is not lazy whatsoever and in fact does not sleep very much, and she has been causing Ulquiorra and Grimmjow many headaches, as they have been the primary caretakers of her through this trying ordeal on Subject A. Thankfully they have not thrown her through a wall yet. The protective harness keeps them from doing that.

Well, I'm signing off now. I need to go and check up on Subjects D and E (Muguruma, Kensei, and Shuuhei, Hisagi) to make sure that they are indeed having protected sex. A man of science does not need to waste his time treating clearly irresponsibile shinigami for AIDS.

_**The 9th of August  
Going to check up on Subjects D and E  
Sunday  
Grantz, Aporro Szayel**_

**Part of a challenge sent in by MRegent.2**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL MAKE YOU A GOAT FOR ULQUIORRA'S TRASH-CULT!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
And Shiro-chan  
**


End file.
